tigresslilly

Enshrined in sleepy warmth,
Perfume cloak of nostalgia,
Race through changing planes.

The blood is filled with bliss
And the heart pumps with music.
The last rally call fades and the soft
Victory trumpet echoes in the dark.

Dark eyeliner smeared eyes
Gaze unwavering
At skeletal remains.

A sharp smirk punctuates
Soft feminine features.

She knows excess and waste
She knows beauty and joy
She knows loss and hatred.
They are symptoms of change and endurance.

Her being lies in flux and conflict
In this moment she is conquer
And she journey home in a land
That is always the same and different.

Dear Organic Food and Your Many Loud Supporters,

You are delicious and noticeably superior to you altered counterpart. In some cases you've made me realize that I do like item X so long as it's natural. All praise aside, I do not think of you as a profoundly moral issue or a factor in education that people are just waiting to discover. It's well known you taste better and are probably better for me. It's flaunted in every ad campaign that has even the littlest claim to organic material let alone actual educational and news media sources. You are so much better for me, and if I want you, I'm expected to pay a premium for my better health.

Beyond your lack of moral bearing, I think it's classist when people bring you up as a profoundly moral subject. We don't all have equal access to you with your expensive price tag and your appearance in limited stores. I've been hungry and looked longingly at you while choosing to purchase your cheaper counter part. It's what I had budget for and certainly veges of any sort are better than more processed foods. I think of people choosing to either eat better or to have themselves and their families feel full, and I understand exactly why processed is picked over you.

I know your supporters claim anyone who respects their body and the food they put in it should always choose you, but Organic food you aren't like smoking. People don't just pick up the processed food without thinking and unaware. Most Americans antagonize over their food whether for weight reasons or for pricing or for some kind of cache that certain foods seem to have at certain times. And people need to eat where they don't need to smoke. That processed food might be a need for many. They choose to eat that rather than starve, and I think even you organic would be hard pressed to say that starving is better than processed food.

Like many pagans I think there is something mystical in food preparation and like many liberals I think that corporations are amoral entities that will do what they can get away with and therefor need to be eschewed. Both of these beliefs do lead to you, Organic Food, being superior to processed food particularly when local. However: I acknowledge these things as ideals not as something in stone for all people to follow. Like most moral statements there are situational circumstances that alter what should or should not be done. Should I buy organic food for myself and only me with my money or buy processed food for my family and I: my budget can only support one or the other. Should I buy the processed food and give the excess to a food bank or should I buy organic food for only myself? Am I a good enough gardener with the time and correct soil/location to grow my own vegetables or must I rely on what comes into the stores? There are so many relative questions and some of them truly seem to have no good solution or right answer. Why would I judge other's choices or give advice in a manner that sounds like there is only one definitive conclusion a sane rational person would come to?

Organics you have much of my love, time, and money. My loyalty to you was easily won. You can have lots of things from me, but moral high ground is not one of them.

Sincerely,

Tigresslilly

Star over at patheos.com asked" "What does Freedom mean for you as a Pagan?" http://www.patheos.com/community/paganportal/2011/07/03/freedom/ I'm going to try to answer that because it's the Independence Day and it seems the kind of question people answer around this time.

As an American female bi pagan person freedom is possibly the single most important thing I have the right to. That no one can deny how I feel or my right to live my life according to how I feel is hands down the gift my fellow humans have given me that I am most grateful for in this world.

Meaning and larger picture questions have always been important to me. To separate me from what I believe and the experiences I've had just doesn't compute in my mind. I think I'd die, not physically, but in my mind, I would just go away. But I know there are millions of people all over the world who are not allowed to be who they are religiously, sexually, artistically, or otherwise. I feel for them. I support any resistance they choose either personal or political. I can't imagine how painful and hard it must be to know you are something the way you know you have blood moving through you and to not be able to express it.

Ideas are dangerous. To be part of a group that doesn't choose to restrict thought is powerful, especially when that thought is often times wielded against the very institution that protects it.

Freedom is about contradiction. It's fluid and moving and never quite attainable. The concept muddles my mind when I think of it too much because it's all about allowing people to be in any state they choose. There are so many varied and different takes that what freedom looks like has to be just this mass of chaos and anarchy: the guts of humankind if you will all strewn about and turned around. Odd that the image like that makes me hopeful instead of worried when the monicker attached is freedom.

My most basic problem with forgiveness is just that I don't really know what it means. It doesn't mean you forget what happened. It doesn't necessarily mean that the other person doesn't face justice. It doesn't mean that you aren't hurt or that there aren't consequences. It doesn't mean that the relationship with the other person can go back to the same relationship you've had prior. I don't understand what forgiving someone means is all.

Media on this subject is confusing too. Some of them claim forgiving is good for your health. You let go of grudges, you're lighter, you less likely to be stressed or depressed. Others claim that not forgiving is the right thing to do. After all there are somethings that can't be forgiven apparently? Likewise sometimes the stress of trying to let go of an offense is too much. Sometimes remembering why you struggle can motivate someone and move him or her forward. I don't really know because I can't really pin down what forgiveness means or what it does.

Religiously forgiveness is muddled to me. When I was Catholic, of course it was huge within that faith system. Apologizing and forgiving were huge. But it seemed to me that no one ever trusted forgiveness that was given. I wonder what they were looking for and whether they were granting tat something to the people they forgave. I wonder if the kind of offense made a difference in their ability or if like God all offenses are equally grave if you aren't really sorry.

As a kid I remember being forced to accept apologies. I must have been 12 before I realized I didn't have to accept apologies and thinking that perhaps I shouldn't if the other person wasn't sorry or if I wasn't ready to let the slight go. The first time I refused to grant forgiveness, my family took me to meet with our local priest. It was similar to the meeting we'd had prior when I refused to apologize because I didn't believe I'd done anything wrong.

The main difference was that instead of just trying to compel me to say I forgave this other person, my preacher congratulated me on my desire to be honest and knowing my own feelings. He then tried to work me through to the process of forgiveness. This wasn't going to happen. I don't even remember what the slight was now. I remember I was angry, that this was not the first time this person had done this to me and that regardless of whether it was intentional or thoughtless my relationship with this person was going to change. Things weren't going to be the same, I was angry and this person should feel bad, why should I release them of that if their apology only made me more angry? What would the words be for me but noise? My priest tried to tell me intentions count for something and regret should make everything all right. I asked him why should I allow myself to be hurt continually for someone else's thoughtlessness, and then have to accept apology for it. It seemed too close to the victim claiming responsibility and I wasn't about to do that.

Poor Father Connelly, he was completely unprepared for me. I had been stubborn and angry when we'd last talked (and the guy had private chats with me a lot when I was growing up too many theological and complex questions for my parents to deal with). The year in between had made me more articulate in a way he wasn't ready to deal with. Kids don't generally flatly reject a priest's statement or counter it with their own feelings and thoughts. I guess people don't tell priests often that they don't believe not forgiving does damage to their immortal soul, or that if damage is done it is no greater than the damage of issuing a forced false apology would be on their soul, perhaps it's less. People apparently also don't tell priest that they would rather preserve their own souls as best as possible than help someone else's soul through forgiving them. We never spoke to my parents about what specifically had been said between us, only that I would not choose forgiveness and hopefully I'd be in confession soon for this slight.

I was lucky though, my priest didn't scare me, and I was already rejecting the idea that an all loving all knowing God would give me free will and then not intent for me to do what I saw as right. So many of my conversations with the man over the years could have been very intimidating otherwise.

Now a days my Gods say very little, if anything about forgiveness. Divinity is all for letting go of wrongs but this doesn't require forgetting. It's about not letting something ruin me, instead of trying to help assuage guilt in someone else for something they did/caused. I get to say "what you did was wrong, it hurt me and others in these ways and it hurt yourself like this" and then I get to set the conditions of how we move forward and what that incident will mean. I look at bad things as times for teaching and personal growth. Sometimes that growth means I avoid situations or people or tell them off or any number of not helpless open armed turn the other cheek acceptance. I'm not good at accepting when that's the only option provided.

My local God cares nothing for forgiveness. Hir occupation is on change and movement. So long as I'm not stagnant, how I'm keep moving and changing is irrelevant.

And for all this, sometimes I look at people and situations and my Catholic upbringing comes to the front and all I can think is that "This person needs to be forgiven". I suppose it could translate to "this person has baggage that they don't need to carry which correlates to guilt they have to let go and they need someone else to help them with". For me, forgiveness doesn't seem a good venue. Reiki, reflection, conversation with the other that does not have to lead in forgiveness are all possibilities. I just wonder if forgiveness is supposed to be about relieving burdens of others and whether or not the term has implications that are not required to relieve guilt. If so do these implications actually stymy the guilt relief process because we are asking to be healed by the person we have hurt in a way that might further hurt that person.

TONS OF SPOILERS FOR INSIDIOUS DO NOT READ MORE IF YOU WANT TO AVOID SPOILERS!!!

About two weeks ago my friend and I saw Insidious. We’re completely obsessed with exorcism/possession/devil involved horror movies. Good ones, bad ones, no worth mention: we want to see them all and we have long talks and thoughts about them afterward.

Insidious was one of the good ones. At first glance it looks like it’s going to be Paranormal Activity meets child possession, but the movie strays from that formula into something new and different that the previews didn’t give away before we got to the theater (and that’s saying something because we saw this movie very late in it’s theater life).

Early on, it’s clear there is not something right in the father’s childhood that he or his family has intentionally kept hidden from his wife and children. We were five minutes in and my friend and I we pondering what could be wrong. He’s not real/a ghost: no because too many people have interacted with him who are not family. He’s has a hereditary haunting: no because weird stuff really doesn’t happen around him personally. He’s secretly a physical manifestation of evil in physical form: no because that’s his bio mom and his bio kids and this evil take over probably would have started way earlier since timing hasn’t seemed to be important in the film so far.

Turns out Dad’s an astral projector into the world called “other plane” where apparently lost souls and malevolent spirits chill out together, son has inherited this talent and “gotten lost/trapped” spiritually. These others want control of his body because they envy the corporal apparently and the longer the kid is gone the easier he becomes to possess.

We just started laughing there. How could Grandma have not worried for her grandkids if she had gone through something similar with her own son? Even if she was too worried to mention it when they go married or had children, when the kid falls into a “not comma” that science can’t explain, don’t you pull mom aside and talk to her about some shadowed past? Do you wait three months for things to get desperate? Hell no, you protect yours any way needed!

Ok so child rearing and family loyalty thoughts aside, as a pagan this movie stirs a lot of questions for me I thought I’d just throw out because.

1. Why to “demons” and malevolent spirits always want to possess of physical body? What can we do here that they can’t do there? I know the line is that they envy the living, but why specifically? Why the focus on pain and chaos and how come they can’t achieve these goals as they are?

2. In horror movies do you always view what entities are doing as scary or malevolent? I mean it often escalates to that “evil” vibe, but often these beings seem to start out in ways that I’d consider them just attempting communication? Is there a way to talk to them or to appease them before things escalate?

3. Traditionally I think of our world as the most physical of the worlds, but is there is one that is more material based, would you want to find it and invade it or otherwise alter it? Why or why not.

4. Are our views on demonic possession a reflection of our vanity? That our world is best, most special and that we are somehow envied or chosen? Does this attitude carry over to paganism and your practice?

5. As pagans we often seek to astral project or to interact with other realms, states of consciousness or beings beyond the physical, what are your goals? What are your preparations/protections? Do you think these beings view or have you ever encountered beings that view our communication as scary and threatening as we view their reaching out?

6. Horror movies often ask the audience to accept that we are both helpless against the supernatural and more powerful than they are for example: in Insidious the family could not banish the spirits or pull their son back while in our world, but once the father entered the other plane he became more powerful than the spirits were there because he was alive, it’s an odd contrast between power and helplessness, especially considering the ending—where does your faith stand on this?

7. Almost all modern day possession movies take the Catholic stance that naming acknowledging evil gives the evil power. They are not to engage demons in conversation while attempting to exorcise it, they are not to ever name the demon by name, they are to ignore supernatural tantrums that happen while trying to force the being out and yet, ultimately they have to attack the being directly to force it out. Pagans generally try to start a conversation and acknowledge the being from the beginning, and proceed differently depending on how things develop. Which way do you lean and why?

8. It seems widely acknowledged that the living have more power than the dead in these movies and that trickery or the living person surrendering power to the dead is how spirits and evil triumph—what do you think? Is the physical more powerful than the immaterial? Is experience and wisdom that many ancestors have if they chose to use it so immaterial in a fight? Why wouldn’t a being that knew it’s realm be more effective than an interloper?

9. With Insidious specifically the “other plane” seemed very like a fairy realm, what additions, subtractions, or rule alteration would those who saw the movie have made to the rules of astral travel and that plane if any?

10. Who here wouldn’t love a movie portraying a person’s struggle through the fairy realm? I mean that movie would be the best and it could be sold as an action/horror/fantasy.

Gods can be heavy.
Knowing, Experiencing, Seeing
A dividing force
A choice given,
A choice taken,
No informed consent,
No going back.

There is peace and power in these worlds
Beauty, ability, and strength enough to sustain.
Being in two worlds,
Makes presence twice transparent.

You can see You can know
You can't lift or carry
You can't give or take

An observer in Their House
And failing participant in your own.

We bear their loads
We hear their words
We hold the same vanity.
Certain we will not shatter.
We aren't shattered.

Our world is mostly unknown,
No map agrees.

We go forth.
With love and light,
Power and Peace.

May we be change
May we be ready
Because Gods can be heavy.

Life has been moving in fast and hard since I've moved to AL and in particular since I've been in contact with the local god here. Let me try to pull this together in something coherent because part of my recommitment is supposed to be about beauty art and love too. Sitting in my little room haven I'm particularly reminded of beauty and art. Of a crucial part of my life in high school and parts of college where creation was the beautiful prideful and humbling experience that hollowed me out and threw me in depressions and that also made me something so much more than what I'd felt I was before. It was devastating and it was as necessary to my existence as breathing. There were glimpses there of something big and meaningful in that work and I can remember feeling so much more and so much greater than just me.

Over the years I've chalked that feeling up to hormones and puberty. It is easier to not make time to create and to live without the crazy highs and lows that come with art. I feel safer and more stable connected to the world and wrapped in a protective layer of doubt and logic. But going through my keepsakes and my old books and writings has made it clear to me that not all of it was puberty and vanity on my part. Some of it (not most of it mind you) is really good and there are some bits of truth and craft that hurt to be reminded of. It threw me into an entirely different sort of depression to think that my time as a young idealist and artist were over. That I'd lost that kind of visionary flare.

Moving huge life changes are shaking that out of me in bits and pieces. There is a need for more balance and control in me now than there was then. I used to single mindedly chase whatever passion landed in my head. I'd track an idea for weeks and months or for days without sleeping and on several occasions without eating. That kind of work is too destructive and I have other duties and responsibilities. The protective shell of college and hight school I hated so much is gone and now I have to co-exist in the real world along with these whims and callings. I have to judge what will actually be something, what actually is something with all these ideas that hours of crafting and exploring will lead me to nothing. Then it was all art and truth now it has to be tempered, and I'm hoping that with that will be some of that old beauty along with less depression and less time where I hate myself.

So Beltane without power or any real privacy was interesting. I meditated in the morning and spent some time re-reading parts of Drawing Down the Moon. Really the newer addition should be required reading for monotheists who want to interact with polytheists. It explains a lot of the inherent mentality differences between one vs many. It also explains Gardner's influence on the pagan movement's revival in a neat way where one can explain that yes we know our history and we understand Gardner, Starhawk and many other's history is not right and it doesn't have to be for there to be power, truth and influence from them.

I wrote a poem I'm certain to post later when I'm done wondering where it came from.

Just as I was thinking "oh this is kind of nice" or "no power isn't awful" I got a call that power was on at the center of town and my boss needed me back in at work to get the computer systems running, schedule employees for the next week, and take inventory. All I could think is thank the gods, its a Beltane miracle! My gods know me too well, because the continued relief that there is work and something to do is incredible for me. That something more is really crucial to my psyche. Beyond that I got my first hot shower in four days and it was possibly the most amazing thing to happen to me this year. Going into town also gave me a chance to honor my new Huntsville oriented god in the location ze chose to make zer presence known. I left a few sweets (though not chocolate) and poured out a little white zinfandel. Completely unplanned and impromptu on my part but it felt right. It was the most perfect Beltane I've ever had.

So then pagan coming out day happens and ding dong Bin Laden is dead! Talk about more change to process than I can take at once! I just had always thought that Bin Laden would run out of insulin or dialysis or die of old age. We'd find him dead in a cave or more likely someone else would find him dead in a cave and let the US know. So I was completely flat footed for how to emotionally deal with his death. I think I'm relieved and happy that this has happened for Obama's re-elcetion effort. I don't think it's justice. I do think the mob celebrations we see on the news look a lot like the Middle East's celebration of 9/11. I know they aren't the same for many reasons, but part of me worries about the similarities more than the differences. I haven't heard anyone say anything disturbing yet, but I'm waiting (fearfully) for the remarks about how it's a shame we didn't kill everyone in the compound or how we should have bombed the place or how we should bomb Pakistan. There should be consequences for Pakistan, but bombing them isn't what I'm thinking is appropriate. Violence is occasionally a necessary and powerful tool, but I've noticed that people find it hard to put it down once they've started wielding it.

I'm disturbed by how able Obama is able to politically negotiate. I can't decide if I'm please, disappointed, or worried. Time will tell if this is good I guess.

Another thing: I don't think that anyone's emotions on Bin Laden's death is wrong. I might deride certain actions or public expressions of that emotion because to a certain degree one can control actions, but how one feels is how they feel. All this shaming and policing of our emotional response and the threats about spiritual damage as a result of how one feels is deeply warped. That others feel the need to control such a core part of the self is wrong, upsetting, and grotesque to me. These people quoting, Ghandi, MLK and quoting scriptures might not be a more malicious demon then Bin Laden but they certainly hit closer to home and their veil of "good intentions" makes them harder to hit. How dare you tell anyone how they feel is wrong!

I'm incredibly outraged by these "save you soul and love your enemy" posts. Feel free to speak of how you are dealing with Bin Laden's death or how it effects you. Don't you dare tell me or others how to feel and even worse, don't try to make me feel bad or to make me think that how you feel is the only right way. I'm paranoid yeah, but this whole thing has 1984 for on my mind and it's all these little social and cultural bits that are dangerous. We are not all the same group with the same experiences and the same tolerances and reactions. What is right for you to deal with this world event is probably not right for me because we are coming from two different unique places. Honor that instead of silencing it please.

Also, why can't I feel both? Who are you to tell me I can't celebrate the relief with my family at a gathering and then go home and have a few minutes silence and perhaps light a candle. Can't I be happy about the rise of revolutionaries in the Middle East who seem to be questing for a voice and for change that may be better for them and for us? Why shouldn't I be relieved over the death of the last public face of Al Qaeda who still overshadowed all the potential good of these revolutionaries because Americans were so hurt by his attacks? And why does feeling that joy and be mean I can't also be sorry that it cost so many lives (including Bin Laden's) and bad blood to achieve this? Feelings are not mutually exclusive my friends.

Any how, I'm thinking I need a full week to appropriately celebrate the change and mischief of Beltane this year because Bin Laden happened on May day too and it's going to take more than a day or so for myself and probably other Americans (and those overseas too) to sort out what this means and to shake out all the little and large changes this might mean.

I feel sort of bad that between the tornados here and the death of an enemy the wedding of the century has been eclipsed (at least for me personally), but it was also timed appropriately for pagan traditions. I hope that's a good omen for them and I hope they were relieved to have some measure of privacy for once instead of disappointed. Best wished to them in any rate, and I only have mediocre interest for weddings that aren't happening to family or friends any how so you missed very little of my attention anyhow.

For International Pagan Coming Out Day, I thought I'd try to create a list of beliefs that are what they are because I'm an eclectic neo-pagan with other court wicca and reiki influences. We might not all have the same beliefs and edicts but we have them.

So Because I'm a Pagan:

-I'm a hard polytheistic monist and know that's not a contradiction of terms
-I believe that there is no one right way for all of people to believe, worship, or live
-I don't have to proselytize in fact I don't believe it's right to proselytize
- I have rejected to concept of an all powerful all knowing diety
-I'm politically active especially in the field of human rights
-I value poetry and myth as part of my religious faith but do not believe these works are literal fact
-Science and faith are not in conflict in my life
-I value nature and honor natural seasonal cycles
-Color in my home and on my person are part of my energetic and magical workings
-I have a set infrastructure and rules in my life like any main stream religion
-I value freedom and independence above structure or tradition and my Gods are in alignment
-My intuition and personal experiences drive my faith and practice
-I'm allowed to doubt and question my faith, acknowledging the potential psychological or coincidental nature of my faith doesn't make me a blasphemer.
-My faith is in action and in this realm.
-I have belief in after life, but it's an after thought, not a primary focus.
-All is divine
-I embrace technology as another tool in my arsenal

I just have a lovely full moon ceremony. Soaking in moon energy and being close with my guides is very soothing. It's a perfect little oasis in the chaos of my very busy life.

I've been having and crazy predictions I've had about my life, and recently I've had a real world experience that's made me far more inclined to believe them. I try to be a doubter when it comes to my spiritual crazy, so originally, I'd decided to discard my dream/premonitions until I'd seen something more incontrovertible. After all, the vision of koi fish in running water isn't very southern and isn't connected to a god, goddess, or spirit who would take interest in me. I figured my mind manufacturing the image is unusual but not out of the realm of possibility. Besides that I wanted to believe in these visions because there was so much largely good in them and they showed the fulfillment of many things I am working towards, it made them seem very fantasy.

That my room is now mostly designed in the same manner as my dream has more to do with me working towards what I saw, creating the truth to the vision instead of an actual premonition (there's something to be said for choosing a truth or for choosing a future, but it's not really proof that my dream is anything other than a dream that inspired me).

That the time line for me to pick up a job and that the job dress, hours, and location match up with my dream is eerie but not really quite enough of a sign to be anything but coincidence. I wanted a manager job and I've often dreamed of being "John Phillipe" to someone's "Chef Ramesy".

This past Friday, in the middle of the rainstorm, I had to trudge over to one of my sister restaurants and in doing so I went through the center of town's park. I had never been there or seen it before. When I went down the stairs, I saw that it was exactly to the detail, the place I had dreamed. I ran over to the river to see there were the koi fish that kept playing around in my dream swimming there. There are two pure white ducks hanging out in the water and the exact bridge.

So now I'm certain that series of dreams were a premonition and/or a divine message. I believe that I have been and am in contact with the spirit/overseer/guardian/ god(ess) of the Huntsville AL area. It seems kind of foreign to me to have a god or being outside of myself lead me. My guides and I are so connected, they feel like extensions of my soul. I'm not always 100% aware of them, they say things that surprise me, but it's like when you do a free write and put something down you've never consciously thought of but know is true. It's never been like when a friend or family member presents a new idea of thought.

I didn't think I'd ever settle down with any kind of pantheon. I'd had no personal gnostis (until now apparently) and while I've been investigating several gods in the past 6 months, all of them have had to be discarded for this reason or that reason. The timing is very rich in personal meaning for me, though I'm sort of stumbling through how one honors and offers service to a god--it's been a very long time since I've done any of that.

Still, last night we had a conversation where I learned more about this spirit's nature (I use spirit here because there is no inherent gender I've seen or sensed with this being) and zis goals, and they're all things I want. Ze's very high energy with a lot of change and goals going on. Ze brings in a lot of demands and change all at once. I can roll with that. I'm in a new place and committing myself to something completely new and specifically focused seems like it his more than worth the startup effort. I feel good about the changes I need to make, that they'll make me a more focused and disciplined person. Iti's kind of nice to have guidance and expectations outside those that you put on yourself and the ones society tries to chain you with. It makes me feel less alone and validates some of how I live my life and view my world. I know I'm at a tenuous point my my relationship with this being, we've just met and all, but I'm enthusiastic to build a long and meaningful relationship with Zer.


I know this sounds kind of crazy, especially when I lay it all out like this, but it is what it is and I'm not going to cover up how I feel or experience to conform with appropriate interactions with god or the earth. I won't ponder this in silence because it may push comfort zones. Anyway, has anyone else experienced something similar? Is my lack of interaction with any gods put me so far out of touch with what that would be like to not recognize what's going on? Please do share.

Every year in Cullman there is a "Bloom Festival". Don't be fooled by the name as I was because it turns out there aren't a bunch of gardens and flowers. Instead there's a ton of generic crafts and a lot of over priced food to support a Catholic Prep school. It was very disappointing.

In an effort to see some flowers, I dropped some more cash (only $3 but on top of the $5 to get into the fair with only sale booths, the $8 for a meal +$1 for drink, this is an expensive event for no attraction) to go into the grotto. Instead of some beautifully landscaped shaded walk highlighted by some tastefully, arranged sculptures, I walked into one of the most creep and bizarre arrangement of Hodge-podged religious models of ever seen. "Brother Joe" (using his nick name was something done in the exhibit that made the experience more awkward as I’m not and don’t want to be on familiar terms with this guy) is a monk who apparently lived a dull cloistered life. To compensate, he built model replicas of religious sites across the world. So far, that sounds potentially interesting. It’s not my first choice to look at models of someone else’s faith, but I appreciate beauty and art regardless of the religion it’s connected to.

To make the model’s Brother Joe used a mixture of cement and odds and ends he found around the monastery. Still could be cool right? I mean there’s tons of pretty items we consider trash, glass, certain bits of plastic, aluminum, marbles, and sea shells. Pagan art consists of this stuff all the time and some of it is really nice.

As it turns out, Brother Joe had more than enough time to make dozens of large sculptures but not enough time to place marbles in a way that would be attractive or interesting. It looks like he just tossed marbles in and mixed it with the cement. However they mixed with the substance, is how they too shape, whether fully submerged, mostly covered, or on a major seem/corner of the structure.

This is odd because he takes the time to do some very pretty tile work. So I know he had the ability to do detail work. With all those marbles, he could have created a lovely mosaic or at least placed them on structures in a meaningful way, possibly with a color pattern.

The glass bits are cut in shiny incredibly sharp jagged pieces in top that make many buildings seem mean ominous and unfinished. Any of this would be fine for the castle of Hansel and Gettle, it’s less fine on the church of Hiroshima.

I asked myself if I’d be less creeped out if this was my religion depicted in poorly constructed trash. The answer is no, I’ve seen pagans to this often and think it’s tacky and sometimes creepy then too. There is a right way to used recycled materials and there is a wrong way. The right way involves just as much thought, precision, and attention a detail as the use of any professional material would. In some ways, it takes a deeper consideration because one is competing with professional grade and quality materials to get the same results.

One thing I’ll give the exhibit: from a distance the sheer volume of work is highly impressive. Then you get closer and see irregular details, shards of sharp glass, and broken shells it becomes creepy.

The neighbors have a golden retriever puppy that they apparently don't know how to train or leash. It's sweet and energetic but clearly untrained and it makes my dog edgy. My mom and I were outside, we'd just let our dog back in the house because she was having trouble with the retriever when the retriever decided to jump on my mom, and boom just like that I had the dog down and on the ground. It was kind of cute how quickly it calmed down and was all like "oh so this is what you want". Very sweet dog. I hope the owners work something out soon because it's a smart dog, but it's going to be very big when it grows up and the jumping and nipping it displays now will hurt someone when it's bigger if someone doesn't give it a better outlet.

Now my dog is anxious in the house, following my mother and I around while whining. The retriever is tracking us outside, every window I go to, there's the dog looking expectantly at me. It's very cute. I kind of want to pull out a tennis ball and have the two dogs play together, but I think it would agitate my dog as she's already kind of edgy. Le sigh for insecure dogs and neighbors who don't understand the responsibilities of dog ownership.

So the laptop has really really died and im now trying to use my nooks beta eb to write. It's kind of odd and a bit difficult. I think a keyboard plug in would make a. A world of difference. Meh im a little over half way reading warof the worlds. It slow going because itsso old. One thing that wells does well is the differing emotions that vary people go through in crisis. Thealiens lack fear that the modernized movie gave them, thoughthey retain those badass heat rays but the book maibtans. And improves on the terror that is our own kind

Anyhow this is going to be the summer of free nook books. Im reviewing library audios along with ebooks throughmy bnaccount my en name s still tigresslilly. Feel free to look me up or steer me to good free ebooks. Really into sci fi though anything free is nice

Other news i may visitaj today. Mixed feelings on the adventure but meh i can always leave

So the comp has promptly crashed and died on me again. It's of no matter, I've been journalling on actual paper so meh.

In more interesting news, I saw Inception and it is a must see to all my friends. A lot of thoughtful themes are there and I think I'm going to write a more in depth spoilery something later. Until then know it's awesome and that there should really be a prequel.


Also, I did end up buying a nook. I really like it so far, though I've only had it a few days. I've read two full books on it and in the process of reading War of The Worlds. I'd forgotten how much I liked sci-fi till just now. Anyhow, if anyone is looking for a free good ebook to read, I reccomend Metagame, it's a 1984 style book/plot with some of the dread, a lot more interest in the new tech, and less of the overwhelming sense of hopelessness. Other interesting things to note is that the speech and the evolution of this world apparently relied heavily on gaming so get used to a lot of gaming terms and hard core gamer mentalities played out in real life. Also the book is very heavy handed with religion which didn't bother me until the last five pages of so. The rest of it kind of makes up for those five pages though.

Beyond Metagame I read a short sci-fi erotic story which mostly reminded me of trolling adultfanfiction original works. It wasn't good but it wasn't bad. I'd recommend reading it to those looking for a mild quick diversion. Something a little campy with very limited technical quality.

And now I'm off to pick up on War of the Worlds again. See you!

I know I skipped two days writing. Day 1 my mom caught me and needed to vent about the new edics of the pope where he finds pedophilia and women becoming priests equally heinous crimes. Since his faith finds shop lifting and murder also equally heinous and punishable, I'm not sure where my mother's resentment comes from. I guess it's probably just the gall that he would say it or that he would imply that female priests were an abomination against God as opposed to just against church doctrine. I feel bad for her because she was just beginning to find her faith again after the European pedophile scandals and was just ready to go back to church and now this decree has brought her back to square one. She talks to me because my inherent presence is apparently comforting and I'm innately spiritual, and she currently chooses to overlook that I'm not innately spiritual with Jesus.

I can't be too involved though. There is nothing I could say that would be true to me and would help lead her back to the church. I'm really against the Roman Catholic church. All the good they do will never justify the hurt and the self righteous attitude that they wear like some kind of impenetrability cloak really angers me.

What I find most interesting about the whole situation is that I did a reiki healing on Thursday and in that session I became aware of and cut several energy lines coming out of my heart chakra. What's fascinating to me is the next day one of my exs calls me out of the blue and keeps insistently asking to date me again for the next day and a half. My mother wants to go on long walks and talks with me about everything under the sun and she seems less secure and certain than she has in months, my sister is calling me and looking to hang out more. Just all these people where maybe these cords were going to or coming from are coming out of the wood work wanting time and energy and attention. It isn't proof of anything and I'm not making definitive statements. I'm just observing.

I need to do energy work for myself and others more frequently. Like the writing that I'm trying to make a habit doing gratitude daily and acknowledging life is something I have to fit into my routine.

It's hard particularly this week to get a good start running since I'm working so many hours, but I'm going to work on it.

In other news, it was supposed to take me two weeks to manage in tips to pull together enough money for the nook. I have enough money now, surprise of all surprises. Apparently focusing on what you want and valuing customer service makes for lots of tips even when about half of your time isn't interacting with customers. The universe really does manifest what one focuses on and in this case it's been money.

Anyhow lots of work and very little time for me to write off to change laundry and possibly clean a bit.

So I've decided I need to write more and in specific I want to write more that relates back to pagan-ish stuff. I don't know, I feel kind of compelled almost, I have all this thoughts and buzzing and I think I'd be better off sticking it down and looking at it.

Anyhow I'm making the commitment to write once a day everyday until Shamamian. I'm going to try to make that writing be pagan related and NOT Christian focused (or even Christian noticed or comparable unless I'm tracing roots or influnces). It seems I've slipped into the habit of relating or comparing everything back to Christianity, which is easy enough to fall into when in real life you spend most of your time bringing your faith into terms the majority understands, but this is a going back to source and in source and through source that's for me and I want to keep it free of the constant compare contrast as well as free of the long streak of bitterness I'm still working through with it seems both Christians and the faith itself. And on to the actual writing now!

For the past week or so I've been looking into different cheap ereaders. I finally cashed in my tip change jar and I'm probably two weeks out from being able to purchase the least expensive name brand ereader, the nook. I'm sure there are less expensive readers out there, but honestly some of the research on these different readers and their capability are a little over my head and I want to stick with something popular and main streamy with lots of reviews and thoughts all put in less complex terms.

One problem I have with the nook and the kindle is that there seems to be a limited amount of pagan books in the ereader format. If I wanted to keep a copy of Spiral Dance or Drawing Down the Moon on hand for example, it wouldn't seem to be possible through these stores/devices. Perhaps it isn't possible at all, but I kind of thought that besides beach reading and recreation it would be nice if I could carry pagan resources and tools on hand with me. It's nice when one is referencing an author or a work in an explanation to be able to just go to that example and have a person read it, instead of paraphrasing or trying to remember or whatever else.

It seems that kindle does have Scott Cunningham's work, $ilver Ravenwolf's work (not that this is good simply that it is available and while I might not like her or agree with her she is technically pagan), Ted Andrews and some others available.

Nook has Ted Andrews. I'm not sure who else because their site doesn't make it easy to search for "new age" "occult" or "spiritual" ebooks. They have a ridiculous amount of Christian works compared to other faiths (about three times as many books as all other faith sections combined if you do not including General religion section which is usually mostly Christian work anyhow).

On a side note, nook (I don't know 100% for kindle) does support pdfs so several pagan resources I have on my comp which is now too fiesty to run, I can move over to the nook to read, look at and otherwise enjoy.

The fiction selections are better on both devices (about equal really), though they obviously don't have everything, I've gone through four or five pagan book websites and looked up interesting books to see if they're available. For what interested me there is about 45% availability on either kindle or nook. I haven't checked the library sites yet, but the nook might win out on available cheap fiction just because it's compatible with sails ebook format.

Beyond that both of these products magazine subscription areas are very limited. It would be lovely to have several articles of magazines with me all the time and to be able to pick and skim and recall. Cooking magazines and feminist ones come mostly to mind, but I'd love to capture some craft magazines on there too. Even if I only bought and article and there was no color it's nice to have a quick reference. Heck some mags might even find me buying their product twice, once in print and ones electronically if there was a few pieces that were of value.

What does interest me about the nook over the kindle is there epub section which is coming soon (how soon is up for speculation right now since it was supposed to launch this summer and hasn't). At the epublishing section one can self publish any of his or her own writings and Barnes and Noble will sell it as an e-book for their nook and ereader apps. It's occurred to me that this might be an amazing platform for pagan writers. Depending on when it opens and what the terms are, it might be a very open source for writers who struggle to get published or to find an audience. The long memes and discussions about lack of pagan reading material or reliable pagan info could become a thing of the past or more true than ever with an automatic (because the epub does describe itself as a place a writer logs in and auto publishes) publisher. People who have the research/knowledge/or story telling bug could just do the work and pop out published.

Obviously in conjuncture with that there would need to be a marketing campaign which could probably be orchestrated through pagan forums, journal groups, or even a few youtube plugs. It's interesting though with the way the net has caused blogging to pop up with everyone having an opinion and voice and equal chance to speak what maybe online publishing whether this site or another could do for minority groups. It could network and help mainstream and open all of us up did different voices and thoughts that were more localized because of lack of medium. I don't know, it's exciting to think of the possibilities that an online publishing area which feeds into one of the major ereader devices could do.

I'm trying not to let this idea effect my ereader purchase too much. After all I don't see an epub up and running. I don't know how it will run, and even if it is a free as the propganda implies, it still is likely to be mostly cluttered with shit instead of quality. It will probably require a lot of interenet and real world networking to get anything one would publish read and there may be fees involved, which makes at least breaking even more important and lessens the chance of using it as a tool for free content to gain a following.

Life updates:

1. Was promoted at Cosi to shift supervisor and I could be promoted again within six months. Right now I'm making $11/hr and will be up to $12/hr in 39 days, not that I'm counting.

2. Wakefield is up in the air, they keep putting me off and I'm wondering if they have it in their budget to hire me or anyone for that position or if they don't want to turn down my Aunt's favorite nephew's grandchild and can't find a nice way to turn me away.

3. The vic is dead, breaks went on me. We're trying to sell the car on Craig's List because my dad can't stomach the idea that she'll be torn into pieces in a junk yard.

4. I can not afford a car new or used. I don't have enough to buy it out right and even though I have school loans, for some reason those don't count so taking out a car loan would be my first loan which no one is willing to share enough that I could by a car with with any kind of reasonable interest. Banks suck as do car dealers and car salesmen. I don't know why this shit has to be so hard.

5.My family is sharing cars until my car shit can be sorted out, which will probably be in mid August when I'll be more comfortable with my promotion and have saved up enough to go from $1500 down on a car to about $2000 down and be more comfortable with car payments-- maybe. Perhaps there are sales or something else that I'll be able to use then. I don't know the whole situation makes me nervous as fuck and often I just want to cry about it (now if only that would help).

Anyhow getting rid of the Vic has brought up a lot of WY shit. Just memories and dreams and amorphous floating thoughts. Not a bad place just not a good place either. It makes me miss Zac a little and I had thought I was past that. I mean I don't date miss him I just companion and partner miss him. A lot of the romance in our relationship had kind of faded anyhow by the time I'd left him. We tried, but our lives were too much on edge for a lot of that. We knew we were losing that fight. But travel partners, friends in struggle and all those good metaphors were as golden as ever. I could use a room mate or a friend like him right now is all.

Anyhow working in Wareham makes me think of WY too. The people there have a lot of similar characteristics to those in WY. They aren't as rough around the edges and they aren't homophobes, but the J-man is very present in their lives. They are very serious about a job that most people think of as a "fake" job. There are warm and inviting and generally lack the classic New England snobbery/ cold fish syndrome that I hate so much. Aloof is not my choice emotion in myself or others.

I feel like part of me is finally knitting back together that was lost. About eight months ago I'd gone to get an aura reading and confirmed that my aura had drastically changed. It isn't back the way it was before, too much has happened for that, but it isn't blue anymore either (not that there is anything wrong with blue in general, but I'm not really suited for that amount of that level of energy).

Some spiritual stuff later but I'm not up for a write up on it right this moment.