tigresslilly

So I'm going to go see New Moon. I hate the concept of the books (I've never tried to read them so I can't out right dislike the writing though I loathe the plot) and I find the fangirls (and fanboys as it happens) generally pathetic and somewhat upsetting. This team Jacob/ team Edward stuff that everyone is embracing grates on me in so many ways. I mean Bella, no matter how simpering and pathetically she is portrayed is a person and not a game or a favorite toy for two "powerful and mysterious" forces to fight over. Secondly, we know what happens. I mean who doesn't know the outcome of the series by now? So why are we routing on a predetermined outcome?

I hate that the series is so popular amoung youth and adults that they are using these movies to sell cars. It was bad enough there were shirts, toys, perfume, makeup and so on but cars. CARS!

I hate all the vampire series that have cropped up trying to take some of twilight's success. I mean I just Do. Not. Like. any aspect of the phenomina. I'm fiercely annoyed that I can't look at anything without there being a reference or reminder or a sale pending on the series. I think that harry potter and lord of the rings might have been similar, but since I liked those things and chose to wrap myself in them, it's hard for me to tell if my annoyance is that I dislike twilight or I dislike my inability to escape or both.

That being said a new girl my age at work asked if I would go with her and I said yes. I don't generally have a lot of friends and I have less in the area now that I usually do. I thought a companion even a casual one that I'd have to sit through Twilight to possibly gain would be worth something. I mean you don't turn down someone's first offer to hang out unless it's dangerous because there may never be a second one.

So I'm going and I'm going to focus on what I liked and not think about anything thing else as hard as I can. So it looks like the guy playing Jacob, is a cute looking guy so there should be some eye candy. From the trailers the wolf transformation looks cool to watch at least. Um, I think there should be less screen time where I have to deal with Edward in this one than in others I could have been dragged to. The scenery looks like it could be pleasant. The girl playing Bella is probably a good casting call. There might be a neat score of music. I'm told the fight scenes are epic-but it was a bunch of love struck teens I was talking to so...

Yeah, I'm this desperate, but fuck it, I had good nights out watching shitty movies. I had a blast a Beowulf after all and that might have been one of the worst movies I've ever watched. Another positive thing no matter how much I hate the plot it is not humanly possible for the thing to suck as much as the whole mess that was Beowulf.

On related notes Zac is in Little Rock Arkansas and living with his sister while trying to help raise her baby. I want to talk about this and my feelings and I don't. Maybe in another few days. I was too emotional to even utter the words or think of the idea for a few weeks. Now I can wrap my head around it some and there's a lot of bitterness and darkness to a degree I'm a little surprised with myself. Am I this angry and vengeful? Is it all morose thinking or am I just being realistic.

I don't know I know some personal private information on the situation, I want to respect by not musing with it publicly, but I have a lot of reservations whether or not this situation is beneficial to anyone involved.

In spite of it all I do want him to be happy. I wish he and his sister a lot of luck and hope they can pull a sense of family together for little Hannah. She's going to be one in a few months. To think it's been so long and she was such a beautiful baby. Probably is still a beautiful baby and starting to form into a beautiful little girl.

Beyond Zac I worry for Ian too. He's out now alone in WY. I know his job won't cover the cost of the apartment he's living in. I know he has substance abuse problems and apparently is trying out AA meetings-though I don't think he has the sticking power for that without a stronger support system. I worry about him so far away from his parents especially without a friend in the area. I feel a little guilty because I didn't want things to be easy for him, but I never wanted him to be hurt or for him to lose his friendship with Zac.

Snow is on the ground here and its cold. I feel like so many people around me are going through little winters in their lives right now. Options are closing off and doors are locking them out and whether it's there own choice or not, I still don't want people out in the cold. I'm worried for them and I'm worried for me. I am just worried I guess and without a proper outlet at the moment.

I hate family holidays. It's not as bad as it used to be. There isn't a mind numbing soul obliterating anxiety about them anymore as there used to be. There's just a dull ache of worry and some slight stomach tremors. Really the worst bit was that I thought I'd probably never have to go to a shin dig like this again. I would go one day, I just would never have to.

I didn't want to talk about where I'd been what I'd been doing and how I was. I'm better but not so well that I can always talk about Zac or Wyoming or what was a fairy tale life that while childish and unsustainable was also beautiful. I just can't talk about it especially with people who don't get it and no one in my family gets it.

Instead I gave short answers and listened to long unending diatribes of how awesome everyone else is. I was glad they were well but I could have done without the jabs at where they were compared to me. I sincerely hope I never did that to them or anyone else, though my successes are so few and far between, I'm sure I've had little opportunity to knock some else further down that way.

In particular my cousin, who works at Fenway went on and on about how boring but glamorous her job was, how much she hated living at home (though she does nothing there but sleep and hang out), and how wonderful her parties and nights out were. I wanted her to be successful. I was prepared to hear about her success and joy so it didn't even sting that much when she kept slighting me and where I was or discarding some of the work I have to do like chores and house upkeep and whatnot.

What did sting was to find out later that her job at Fenway pays $9/hr she works no more than 30hrs a week and she doesn't get benefits. She'd sat there and scorned my retail work as less and demeaning when we make the same hourly rate, I work full time and my job gives me benefits. I don't have an hours commute by public transportation to pay for or anything.

In other more pleasant news my bro got a letter from Mass Maritime and we think it might be his acceptance *hopefully*. I've got to wait for him to come home and open it but I'm super hopeful for him. It's very exciting.

Also, they've finally corrected the comp and literacy portions of the mtels, I should finally have results and hopefully a license on the 9th. Maybe I've be able to pick up some second term work or start vigorously looking for the fall. I'm apprehensive and excited. I don't know what I'll do if this doesn't work and my parents feel strongly I'll need several other back up plans that I'm not sure how to approach but I'll have to figure something out soon I guess.

I've been busy and exhausted. Dunno why I'm so tired, I just am. I slept most of my two days off away. I meant to write. Heck I meant to get to the library to borrow some of my suggested reading. Instead I made a cake for my sister, slept, and started a knitting project (which does take hours for me cause I keep starting and restarting it until I have something halfway decent on the sticks).

Somewhere I found the energy for reading posts and internet games. I responded to a few, but meh. I'm in a mopey tired mood for no reason. Hopefully this week at work won't be as hard as last weeks but since we're swinging into Christmas season I don't hold out a lot of hope.

I feel like my brain has been fried.

Comment with a good book or two or a million I could get at my local library.

Just finished Push, the one that the movie Precious is based off of, and it occurs to me I really like reading and need some more stuffs. Not money rich though so keep in mind whatever you rec can't be too new or even if it's at the library, I'll be charged to take it out.

Help a girl out with comments, links and so on please.

"V for Vendetta" both the movie and the graphic novel did it sooo much better. "1984" is one of those books that so far (I'm only a fourth of the way through part three) could have benefited from major editing. I mean this tome goes on and on and on on on about doublespeak. I got the concept the first eighty times. Seriously, the book dedicates over twenty pages and two separate sections to the idea of doublespeak.

Also, I love a good metaphysical discussion as much as the next person, but how long can a dude talk about the realities of history? Some of it might just be that I don't think our current history records or our current reporting styles are so pristine that I can get too worked up about the Ministry of Truth's work. It's bad sure, I don't know if destroys objective history (as such a thing doesn't exist) or if it would bring every aspect of my life and personal thoughts into question.

Whole swaths of women's history and non-white people's history is still trying to be pieced together and learned. Whether or not we know it or understand it doesn't change that it happened.

In the neo-pagan movement one of the many questions that has to be faced if you want to use British witch-craft as a source or Wicca outer court material is whether the history matters. After all, the creations there are new with faked older lineage. If the material is valid regardless of age the good for you and if it's not good, then it's just not going to work with you.

Winston is horrified by something that we all deal with to a certain degree. Maybe it's just one of those horrors you have to be there to really understand-though if that's the case then maybe 1984 shouldn't have relied so heavily on it.

On a completely different note, how come all these super controlled societies are run by men and questioned only by men? I know what you're going to say, Juila is the catalyst for Winston's true rebellion. Without her, Winston would have just gone on being unhappy and frustrated and probably would have one day given himself away without ever experiencing any of the joy of rebellion.

I like Julia. She sneaks around eating good food pilfered from the elite's store. She sleeps with whomever she pleases. She knows where the safe areas are to go to talk or relax. She knows how to hide in plain sight and she can pick out others who are probably doing the same. Why the hell didn't we start the book off with someone who was frustrated with society and doing something about it the way Julia was? Seriously Winston is just a hopeless little whiner before Julia comes along and he would have stayed that way without her.

What gets me the most about the whole situation is even though Winston "loves" Julia and even though he would be nothing without her, he still looks down on her. She doesn't "care" about The Party's motives or larger goals. Julia doesn't get into a froth over who the party is at war with. She's not surprised that they go back and change information to suit their goals and needs, but she's not horrified either.

Of course, Julia doubts the reality of a war at all, something Winston never even considers. She believes The Party is a bunch of liars but she just doesn't care about what the truth is as it doesn't affect her. Julia believes these things are nebulous and far away compared to immediate concerns over the quality of life.

Winston is on such a high horse about the big issues. Something has to be done. The truth has to be preserved. Would he even care if his quality of life hadn't been impacted?

Beyond that, realistically what is Winston going to do? What can anyone in a society set up as Oceania do? Julia is smart enough to see that her acts of rebellion are probably the limit. You could escape into the proles maybe and then create unrest among them strong enough to cause a revolt, though it seems unlikely as Winston doesn't have the skills or the understanding he'd need to do that. You could stand up publicly in the middle of Oceania against Big Brother and be taken and hope other would follow you example, hope somehow that enough people would protest that the thought police couldn't take them all.

It's a hopeless scenario, sometimes surviving and surviving with some private joys has to be enough.

Another thing why would you trust Charrington? Seriously has Winston ever been in another party building without a telescreen? Did he really believe that The Party let people choose to install them and you know Charrington never found the time or didn't have the money or something?

And why wouldn't Charrington have brought Winston in when Winston first bought the journal or when Winston came back for the paperweight or the first time he and Julia met in the room? How much thought crime did he have to show before he got busted? I thought these people just pulled you off the street for looking at people wrong and now they take their sweet time messing with Winston before they take him in. Heck why didn't O'Brien bring him in at his apartment? It all seems really pointless to me.

Winston seemed far too afraid of pain to really be interested in a change. He cowers at the sight of the thought police. He obeys them even though he knows death and pain are unavoidable. I guess fear can do that to you, but all those words about going down swinging and doing anything to attack at the party seem really hollow when he won't even show rebellion or resistance in the face of what is certain death. How long has he been insisting that he is the dead already only to be suddenly afraid all over again when he has to face it?

Some of the torture seems uninspired and I think that Orwell didn't give human resistance enough credit. He made the human spirit's will to live unbelievably strong and yet it's ability to resist change through brutality is unexplored. I don't know, maybe Orwell was on the ball and people completely collapse all the time the minute torture is implemented. I've been led to believe that torture doesn't work partially because people won't give up correct information or any information even.

One thing Orwell did really well was talk about how once someone breaks they will tell you anything to stop the pain. I liked that Winston just confessed and confessed and confessed. I also like the scene where the one emaciated dying man begs to avoid room 101 and says he will tell them anything so long as he knows what to repeat to them.

It's still a chilling read and it's worth the time, I just think it could have been edited some is all. The book really only has 150 pages of plot and general thought in it worth reading the rest of it seems be be repetition because Orwell thought we should be beaten over the head with a concept that is easy to grasp.

So yea, I'm a awake but a but grouchy. Both my mom and my dad have very early morning exercise and be at work schedules. I'm glad that they're exercising and not letting their lack of weight loss put them off their diets or exercise routine. I don't mind being vaguely awake and aware of those grumblings when they're moving around. I don't really mind when they call out to talk to me and make me fully awake either but I can't fall back asleep and when they leave I'm just tired and grouchy with nothing to do

It's all good, I'll drink tea later and life will pick up.

As a side note now that my facebook picture hunt addiction is over and my try to revive the insanejournal has proven it's not enough (can only post so often, sometimes I have nothing to say, not committed enough for a nanowrite, and can only respond to some friends and coms) I am addicted to facebook apps. I've got cafe world, farmville, fish town, and happy fish. I have others that I tried and just didn't make it to the temp addiction phase. So yeah I'm a little lame.

Moved around all my icons again. Since I only have about 100 free slots whenever I plan a massive update I delete a few I'm not using and add in the newbies. Sometimes i have more space at the end of the swap around. My fannish icons are getting less and less these days but I think that's because I'm not participating in the fandom as much as I should/thought I would. Need to find some Dollhouse and Fringe groups stat.

In other related notes, I've been slowly backdating old journals I never posted because I didn't have internet and journals I wrote by hand.  While going through my Senior high school journal I realized that beyond being pretentious and righteous and a know it all I sometimes had interesting thoughts and connections, but there's a lot of muck to rake through first.  

Also thanks to my backdating, all my Wyoming journals are off the first page of my journal.   There's more in between I should type in but I'm stuck at a particularly angsty journal I don't want to write in or look at again maybe ever. C'est la vie. 

Finished my application for an educator's liscence.  Hopefully the second set of tests will be worked up and graded soon and I'll have everything I need to start applying for jobs.  It's not an ideal time to hunt but we've all got our crosses to bear on that front.  Minimally tutoring of some sort should be approachable.

So I passed the math portion of the teacher's test. I don't know about the English junk yet as it's a new test and they hold on to it forever, but hey the math part is good and that was the part I was worried about. Go me!

My brother is a terrible writer, as I think I mentioned last week. It's not that he can't write, but he needs some one on one focus and some very specific but simple training. All of that is ok. He and I are working on it and I really think he could be in gear for the limited writing he'll do in college with an engineering major.

I suppose I should say that he and I were working on it. My mom took over, partly because Kyle wasn't smart enough to plan so that I could really look at the work and partly because she doesn't like when others are in control of what's hers .

He has rolling admissions and someone needs to push him through this. He couldn't or wouldn't do it on his own. She might have just felt like she had some momentum left after Kyle needed her to look at the common app and pushed through. I don't really know.

What I do know is that she stopped being "helpful" to the cause yesterday. She's fine at correcting but she doesn't get the kind of one on one detail work that needs to be done. She doesn't get that because you can correct it all in one draft doesn't mean you should (not if you want Kyle to pull something from the mess anyway). She doesn't get that oral correction is like you never did anything. She doesn't get that even written corrections just don't get translated over to the paper because Kyle can't copy word for word and he's so unsure about his work and his own instincts he won't correct stuff in the essay that doesn't make sense to him because he knows that's part of what you wrote down so the not making sense bit is all in his head.

Basically she doesn't get that beyond coaching Kyle in writing and compensating for some of his learning disabilities, I'm coaching him in confidence and doing my utmost to make sure that he understands, can do what I did, and feels good about where he is and the progress he's making. It isn't easy and I don't lie to him about anything. If it's bad I say so, but the trick is not to belabor that point. I tell him we all come in at different starting points and there's nothing we can do about where we start, we can only do something about where we move to. I always stress that we can move this to A work The piece is going to finish strong. I focus on the improvements from last time how he stopped doing x and that was great or I could tell he understood and really worked to keep tense together. To be honest how he picks up and integrates what he understands is very promising.

Anyway, my mom has been yelling for two days and it's getting more insulting and personal each day. We all know she has her limits and snaps. We all knew she'd already broken down on this issue once and was therefor more likely to go crazy over it a second time.

I don't get it. I don't understand what she thinks she'll accomplish yelling at Kyle telling him he's stupid and he can't do the work and his attempts are pathetic. I don't get how I can sit and explain what I'm doing, why I'm doing it and point to some positive results and she can still come in and shit on it all.

I don't get what Kyle was thinking when he didn't jump on this after the first time she went ape shit crazy. I know how demotivating she can be. I know she can shake you in a lot of cruel and hard ways. You know I get the hesitation and I get that the quality of work is going to be less than it was before because now you're shaky. I don't get not trying to dodge all the abuse and crazy you can.

I don't get the whole deal.

My mom and I have been talking about this Halloween party we're putting together since September. It's really very sweet that she's trying to share my enthusiasm and general need of this holiday. Its the one Christian holiday that was never ruined by some sort of whatever junk that's tainted all the others. You know all that junk that's covered them which generally result in me having a bunch a panic attacks and nervous break downs and general freak outs as they come closer.

I mean my connection to this one holiday in the most secular of views is probably one of those big subconscious things that tipped the scale in favor of some neo-paganism classic where I can celebrate Halloween as a big party. A culmination of last year and a clean start on the new year. Beyond the party and the food and all that I'm really trying to focus on that last bit. I need a new start. I need to let go of what I'm carrying and reconnect with some of the good energies and things that I used to sense so naturally. I thought that I could do that without a mile marker, but since I can't, I'm hopeful that the little addition will help.

Anyhow, I'm cooking for a party this year. My brother and his little friends are coming over. The food is mostly weight watchers friendly because I really do want to help my mom with her diet. I want to rent out the Rocky Horror, Evil Dead, and Rosemary's Baby. All classic movies Kyle and his young friends have missed that just need to be remedied. I'm not really a Rocky Horror fan, but I don't think my prejudice should stop peeps from seeing it. After all I'm not a Monty Python fan either so what do I know about great cult classics.

Got food shopping and movie renting and class and work all on the horizon. Ta.

I keep having nightmares and vivid dreams. I wake up and for a few brief seconds I expect to be in Wyoming and then I remember my life and that part sucks almost more than the dream. Zac and Jeff run rampant in my dreams always starting off as people I'm happy to see and turning into people I hate or hide from or am emotionally wounded by. When it's not them it's about strangers abducting me and horrible things happening. It's always winter in these places. I hate it all so very much. I always wake up tired and sore and wishing I could still be asleep even if I'd be back in those dreams. At least the dreams aren't real.

Jeff is gone to Indonesia and I never said good bye. I've been dog sick and busy with work and Kyle's paper stuff. I think there's a chance I can get him to write an essay on his own and I'm not screwing it up. Plus I don't know if I'll ever want to talk to Jeff again. I don't know if I can stomach all the pushing for something more something I'll never want.

I've written and thought about why I hate Jeff's advances now when before I felt similarly. Before Jeff was the best boyfriend I'd had. It was easy to still be interested in him when my current bfs didn't have what he had and didn't have and qualities that filled the void.

Zac filled the void. He's not like Jeff in the least, but he's a complete package. I was with him for so long and appreciated the consideration and thought he offered so much how could I go back to someone as selfish or self centered as Jeff.

I know Jeff believes he terribly considerate to me, and how he acts towards me compared to the world at large is considerate. I've lived with more though and I'll always want that now that I've had it.

Beyond the whole comparison of exs though, Jeff exists on a completely different thought plain than I do. That wasn't the case even months ago, but letting go of a dream and a lifestyle and choosing something else that still nebulous and unknown has completely warped my outlook.

My aura color is altered. Kathleen and I have argued the positives and negatives of it, but it comes down to the fact that I don't just feel like and an altered being, I am an altered being. How I think what my focus is the way the world looks is all different.

I've finally had or taken the life changing experience that people talk so much about for college essays and all that. Odd.

There are spoilers regarding the latest episode of the Dollhouse and possibly all of season two so far.

During the first season of Dollhouse, I gave it the tentative thumbs up.  The device wasn't the best I'd seen, but the whole troupe of actors playing completely different parts each episode is really cool.  That the lead was a woman showing her versatility as an actor made me happy.  The different games, cult infiltrator, rock star back-up singer, hostage negotiator, and so on were fun.  I like that Echo twisted traditional roles.  She did unexpected things and took her character to the next level in a lot of the mini skits.  I could overlook that the power she showed in these moments was wiped away at the end of each episode because I like the mini person and in the big picture it looked like Echo had been powerful and willful and was still a force of potential danger and power.  There was a hint of maybe and the maybe was just another taste for me to want the uprising and to see it as a potentially big and glorious event to look forward too.  I don't know if I'm the only one who feel this but the whole show reminds me of The Pretender with a female lead.

I never in a million years wanted the show to become about the actual Dollhouse.  I didn't want to learn more about it's internal workings.  I didn't want to see that Adelle was in many ways as much a doll as the actual dolls to a bigger group where some men sit in a dark room and smoke.  The implication that these men existed and that Adelle had to walk softly to get around them was enough for me.  That she sometimes was getting one over on them and that there could be consequences beyond her power to alter if they were involved was enough. 

  I never wanted Topher to be more than a sad narcissist incapable of real relationships or empathy for others.  The question of whether those remembering or those who don't get to remember suffer more isn't a question or theme I want incorporated into the show.  Hello been there and covered it best through Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind thanks.  By the way the answer to who's better off is always the people with the power are better off.  Those remembering always win.  They have a choice, they have the knowledge and they have the power.  The dolls have to wander around in the dark.  That I could ever grow to sympathize with Topher or his position is to make overly light of the whole scenario  It makes me blindingly angry.

At the end of the latest episode Topher talks about how Sierra was never meant to be in the Dollhouse.  This implies that others in the Dollhouse are meant to be there.  Sierra's story is particularly sad and tragic.  Comparatively to November's story, the only other doll's back story we have a full account of, it does seem cruel and awful  November did seem far more willing in the process than Sierra does.  

Still what we know about Victor implies some sort of war trauma why would that make him belong more?  And with Echo it seems that she was snooping into the Dollhouse's experiments  It seems that the company probably killed her fiancée and was going to send her to jail with trumped up charges.  She knew too much and was being silenced, or at least that's what I've gathered.  How does this make Echo belong more.  Is it because she was "asking for it" by "snooping around" and "sticking her nose where it didn't belong"?  Echo is clearly upset about her options and she seems to fully understand in her meeting with Adelle that she's probably never going to be Carolyn again.  How is that chilling terrifying knowledge and forced choice make her belong more than Sierra's choices?  

Beyond that, how come Sierra is always a victim?  Within the dollhouse her keeper was raping her.  Outside her doctor drugged and raped her and got her sent to the dollhouse to become a doll after which he continually paid for her to do engagements where she slept with him "willingly".  It's too much for me.  Too much victimization  Too much powerlessness.  Too much focus on what is the most unpleasant part of the show and not enough time using the Dollhouse as a tool to do completely different shows every week.

Echo might have some power in this place.  She seems to be growing more capable the more she ignored and left to her own devices.  Where last season she stood out as "glitching" she now hides that through lies and deception while she tries to lead the other dolls to the same awareness she has now.  When caught we find Echo's favoritism continues with Boyd who has a soft spot for her and through Ballard who apparently considers her the insider that will make it possible to take the dollhouse down. 

As if one woman's rise in power above suppression and cohesion must be shot down Sierra's character is hit with all time low.  As the character that is supposed to be the fighter the gun carrying woman who cleaned up messes, she's become the victim White but still foreign woman to be punished and continually taken advantage of.

Season 2 really hasn't been the same at all as season 1 and I'm not sure whether I can hold onto it after this past episode.  I've been watching and waiting for a return to fun echo on assignments with little side trips to the dolls developing personality, but it's not what I'm getting.  Echo has up and changed for no particular reason maybe the multiple personality boot is what did it, I don't really know but suddenly we were let in too much to her world I think.  It was too much change in her basic doll structure to go so unnoticed.  I mean it was a big deal when Sierra Victor and Echo started sitting together.

At the end of last season Ballard suggested that who the dolls had been always effected the imprint.  He used Alpha's past as part of the proof and it shows again in Echo's responses.  I want more of that kind of direction if we must talk about the dollhouse.   I don't know.  I'm really unhappy with the second season and how the show looks and feels.  I can't give the same defense of it or any defense really that I gave back in season 1.  The nefarious has become too much I guess.

There are things in life that are beyond me.  I don't know what it would take to make me happy.  I don't know if there is any foreseeable time when I'll ever be able to move out of my parents' house.  Gods know I want to, but there's all this work, which I'm working on, that's in the way before I can even consider it.  It's ugly and heavy and bitchy of me to bring it up.  Gosh knows they should be the ones who are angry and tired.  I should be thankful that my brother takes so much energy and time. 

Kyle is another thing that's just beyond me.  The kid is a senior in high school and he really can't write an essay on his own.  I mean I know children where that's the case, hell I know college peeps who can't write essays and are successful.  The difference is that they know they can't write essays,  They know it takes a team and they prep in advance so that the whole team can work it's magic and the essay works.  

I like working on Kyle's essays.  I like to help him.  I mean I'm not useful at as many things as I'd like to be helpful with but I'm really really good at anything English oriented.  It's one of those things that college and Wyoming and life kind of made me forget, but I really like literature and I'm really intuitively good at parsing out bits and pieces.  I know what to write down to get an A and I know how to write it.  I know all about the different processes you can take to get those words on paper.   I know how to lead people with no skill or intuition into the same answers that come to me like a form of divine intervention.  I know how to rewrite the shittiest most primitive work into something respectable.  I can do it with poetry, lit analysis, exposition and so many other forms of writing.

  I know how to weave the obvious into something subtle and rich with meaning if given the opportunity.  I am a fucking spin machine.  My problem isn't that I don't get it, it's just that there's so much to get.  I can go off for hours about the uses of what are seemingly arbitrary words.  I can point out what was probably intentional in an author and what was luck.  I can point to conscious and unconscious decisions in work.  I can follow any lit critics analysis not matter how asinine if he or she throws out a few examples.  

I know how to use styles that are considered difficult to master.  Hell, I've written some of my best work in the second person and for me if was pretty simple. 

I'm not saying that there aren't better people out there.  Obviously there are.  I'm not even suggesting that I could be helpful to everyone.  I think I could help a majority of people with their work if given the one on one time with them and a person who really wanted my help.  What I'm saying is that I know what I'm doing and I'm good at it.  I can make a plan that will work for a student who has trouble in that area because even though I have a good intuitive grasp of the work, I have several disabilities that make the process as difficult for me as other people less talented find it.  I know a lot of tricks, and even ones that don't work for me, I recognize the kind of person they might work for. 

For whatever reasons Kyle can't or won't help me work out a schedule for him to do his work by.  It's causing tension in the household because everyone has agreed that I should take point on this task, heck I'd like to take point on this, and I can do nothing for a person who won't work out a schedule with me and then stick too it.   

Oh well.  There is some good.  I know that even though I'm good at English, I'd probably fail in job where I'd have to work with more than ten people on their work.  I think that working with Kyle has helped to bring back some of my passion too.  I mean I'm writing again and I want to write.  I feel like some of my poetic inclination is back too.  Who knows, maybe some of my poetic flow is awake and well.  It's all baby steps. 

I still hope to help him.  I really want some of this college stuff nailed down.  I'll just have to keep pushing at it and hoping it works out.

I miss the road.  I miss the space.  I miss the air and the wind and the rustle.  I miss waking up next to someone.  I miss living my life and my selfish spoiled nomadic existence where nothing was stable but there was still love and hope and laughter and dance.  I've traded up eventually I guess but it sure doesn't feel that way right now. What I miss could fill tomes and still what I want seems like a daunt open wasteland of uncertain guesses.  At least I'm still moving. 

From time to time I still miss Zac.  I almost always miss WY or I suppose more accurately I miss CO .  I generally feel lonely and sad, but this isn't particularly new in my saga.  I feel lonely and sad pretty easily and all that.  It doesn't help that I tend to self isolate.  I pull away from people and I don't reach out to new friends for replacement or augmentation.  I retreat into fantasy too much and am generally difficult.  I want more from others than perhaps I'm willing to give or even offer. 

I'm out of touch with the time and people in this place. 

I think one of the things I miss most about the midwest is even though all this was still true (in some ways my ideals and goals made this more true) I almost never felt isolated.  It wasn't just Zac either, heck most of the time I was alone and sometimes I was pleased about that too.  The boy is a lot of overhead. 

There was always someone I could talk to.  Strangers started up conversations with me all the time and that was nice.  People weren't on their cell phones all the time and completely unapproachable.  I got to know some of the regulars in town who were often out and around the same time I was.  I know  I was really only talking knitting, tv, current news, weather, and random household nonsense, bu that was enough.  I really don't need a lot of socializing to feel good.  That's probably the saddest peice.

This really isn't a bitch session about the Northeast though I find the people cold and intentionally malicious.  This isn't even really about me being overly senstive and a little paranoid, though those are also true. 

I'm trying to get back up, when I was never really on my feet to begin with and it's exhausting.  I'm tired and sad and lonely and generally misable.  I fall to tears at the drop of a hat.  I'm spending more money than I have or will ever have at this point.  I'm so keenly hopeful for a promotion at work that I know will never happen and whenever anyone throws out even the tiniest shred of hope I jump on it. 

I'm working on becoming at teacher and keenly aware that in this state I just might be unfit even if I pass all my tests and get into a degree program. 

I was trying to give up writing.  It's occurred to me that I only reach out to the internet or to pen and paper when I'm alone and isolated.  It also occurrs to me that all the fiction, poetry, memes, and even journal entries I write so talently is all a form or escapism that I fuel energy into instead of an actual escape.  While when I was a teen and there usually wasn't another place for me to go that might have been alright (though probably not because it created negative patturns) it shouldn't be ok forever.  Heck when I wanted to desperately drop out of college and I knew I couldn't finding satifaction in writing about dropping out and being ridicuously successful when I knew it could never be true in the real world was probably ok too.  Just got it out of my system is all, though I suppose in some ways feeling satified through wring instead of doing might be the whole problem.  It's more than a cartharsis.  I feel like I've done it, explored the possibility as far or farther than I could have in the real world so there's no reaso to purse it farther.

Anyhow, I'm trying and failing to connect to the world around me.  I  was looking to my faith to help me, but the truth is that I'm having trouble connecting to much of anything at the moment and it makes me feel more cut off that I've felt in a long time.  It's not even like it's a loss of faith.  I believe what I've always believed.  I don't doubt I just am having a hard time connecting and some of the things I'd have done to help myself reconnect, I just can't do here in this house. 

I know I'll figure it out.  I know it will be fine.  But just like thinking on the past and maybes and what ifs and shouldn't haves doesn't help the will bes are pretty fucking cold comfort.

I have been writing a lot in my paper journal on my back and forth from here to Boston.  I''ll probably back date and add those entries in later for my own records.  I think there will be a lot of time spent journal writing that way this summer.  It makes me super glad  I got a small cute owl journal earlier this year. 

Today is pretty much the day I'll have off for a little while.  Not complaining about it at the moment, just saying.  

I'm still really into the work I'm doing at the fund, which is good because it's only been three days and it would be terrible if I suddenly stopped liking it.  I find that I'm surprisingly a tiny bit embarassed to explain or talk about what I do to other people.  Which is odd because I've never felt that way about working for fast food or working as a secretary.  Maybe it's the way people rush to tell me I'm doing a good thing and have a strong moral compass and so on.  It's like they are justifying the work for me or something.  I don't like the feeling that people are making excuses for why I do what I do. 

And I'm not doing something embarassing.  I'm a grassroots activist with strong focuses in bringing information to the public, getting support and bringing momentum to campaign against big buisness lobbists.  You do that one person at a time door to door or on the streets.  Then you follow up with publishing as much as you can in any newpaper, magazine, or other work that will have you.  You petition and send letters to congressmen and reps.  None of this is embarassing stuff.  It's empowering and interesting and potentially hope laden.  I'm confused by my own reactions when explaining the job really. 

Met this kid Todd the other day who goes to MCLA.  Got a million little bits of gossip from him and I was loving it.  We had a ball and I'm sorry that I won't be seeing him again.  Makes me think this job is really going to give me more of a chance to reach out and make some more friends or friendly aquantences.  The ones I have are great but I need a few more really.  And I know I'm done with college and need to move out of that mind set into something else, but I dunno, as long as I'm not trolling college activities and classes looking for friends, it's probably ok for me to float for a little while. 

  I also noticed that if a gay guy tosses around the word whore all the time it doesn't bother me.  Maybe because he never really meant it as any one thing, just something to say inbetween like cool or awesome would be for most.  Maybe it's my own persceptions of who can or can't call someone a whore.  I don't know, it's got me thinking.  Because I know people have used that word causually in convo and it's pissed me off, so I'm trying to figure out why now, while I've recently been hyper sensitive about language and its usuage, hearing whore bantered around made me laugh and shrug most of the time.  Is it a preconcieved notion I need to address with me or is it really a case of context and usage?

The veneer of the Fund has been tarnished for me and I'm relieved. I learned that it's all about the money and being liked as far as staying goes.  They do actually throw away some of the petitions when they become unwieldy instead of saving them all.  They keep people they don't like or trust or whom don't follow protocal if they make money and if you don't make money and are liked you can stay forever.   It makes me less nervous to know who I'm playing ball for and to know it's all the status quo.  I think it might be enough for me that the money and effort is going to the cause and that there's a middle ground between horribly earnest and intense people and people who don't care at all.  It's more human. 

And I'm off to Jason Maraz soon so I'm happy all around.  Will tell more about the Mohegan Sun and all else afterward, but I'm stoked.  ^_^

So I like my job at the Fund.  I'm still working out kinks to it, but I like it a lot.  I like the women I've met there and some of the men.  I suppose my general wariness is something I have to deal with better, on the other hand, it would settle my nerves a lot if they didn't loom in my personal space and openly admit that they are doing/ are on drugs right this minute.  In fairness, I know stories of drinking, blacking out, drunk driving almost deaths, stories about the chase for the weed and so on generally amuse my peer group of 19-28, they make me feel threatened and generally turned off to a person when they tell it as a funny or a one up.  I don't know what I didn't get about drinking in my college days, maybe it was that we never drove or we didn't leave people behind or I was never involved in dicey drug scenes, but it seemed more fun and less ominous than it does now.  Maybe it was always the same and my point of view has just gone through a drastic overhaul. 

Anyhow, I have met a ton of cool people too.  They are sooo earnest and care so much about our country and where we are going and what we are doing.  They still really believe that we can change things and make a difference.  They still believe unequvicably that not only can we win but that they'll be there to see it.  It's really nice.  I think I could use more of that.  I mean I get being realistic and that has it's own comfort, but it's nice to be excited and energetic and hopeful.  I might just ride that for a little and see where it takes me.  I mean this presidency has my hopes so high, they are going to be shattered, I might as well know I ran flat out to the bottom right?  

And there I go again showing that I'm not sure I can hope, believe, or have faith without reservation.  I think we have great opportunities.  I think we should strive for the best we can in so many fields and interests, but I don't generally expect a lot.  Dunno maybe that's the problem, people give you what in your heart you expect.  Maybe I don't trust or try or fight enough.  It will be interesting to jump in head first and try to keep that sense of "realism" out and only go day to day door to door thinking everyone cares about the issues and everyone has and wants to give me a thousand dollars to help the cause.

It's funny how optimistic I can be about the job, people, and work and how I can still be so terrified for my job, future, and general well being.  I haven't felt this combination of joy and terror ever I don't think.  It's like the feeling as you go up the first big roller coaster hill combined with the feeling you have right at the end of the ride.  I didn't even know you could have space for both of them at once.

Another great thing about the Fund is that it focuses me.  Today and tommorrow and probably the next couple weeks, I have my sights set on recycling.  I'm keeping up with other stuff, but my really driver is recycling at the moment.  Sure I can keep writing to my reps on other issues and talking about them when it strikes my fancy, but the fund gives me a solid goal and solid ways to reach it in one issue.  It keeps me moving instead of spreading my time over so many interests and thoughts and desires that it becomes to much and I've accomplished nothing.  

Beyond that, I'm happy to be leaving the Cosi.  My general manager was fired and having corporate in is a bear.  Stan is a fine enough person but miserable as a boss.  Little bits of nothing set him off and then he's in your face screaming at you or the person next to you forever with the customers there wasting time, making things awkard, and basically making everyone tense and itchy. 

Other days he's in the mood to joke around where he slacks off, doesn't follow protocal and otherwise creates more work we can't do until after he leaves (he goes ape shit if you touch anything he's done even if it's to add freshness dates).  And when he's gone he's got a certain group all jazzed up with talk about boozing it adventures, chasing women, and starting fights.  Then I have to deal with endless Dodgeball and Anchor Man quotes that are lude, gross, and offensive but for some reason were funny when Will Farrel said them and are of course still hilarious when randomly repeated out of context.  I'm supposed to smile and think of how witty these jerk offs are because they remember lines from these movies. I'm apparently supposed to automatically remember the lines too and know that they are jokes and therefor not be offended or in anyway displeased.  So happy my days of smiling and dealing are numbered (at least of smiling and dealing with those guys anyhow). 

Oh and I have Jason Maraz tickets for this Fri and am off to see it with my mom.  Over all my week is shaping up wonderfully.

Mr.President,

I know you were not thinking of me in specific when you created and pushed through the stimulus package, but I still would like to thank you and congress for it.  In a time where I see media judging it's value to make jobs and help the economy or even truly fund change, I'd like you to know it has indeed created a few job opportunities for me in fields I'm thrilled to be in. 

I know my job and the jobs available to many other young people (and older people though the push is for grads and students) existed before the stimulus, and here in MA I'm fairly confident that a lot of the funding will be raised or maintained to keep these jobs after the stimulus. However the sheer number currently offered to jump start college grads as well as to offer lasting careers in the advocacy field is all on you. 

The money from that package in MA is being split up into a series of green bills.  While our reps vote out exactly where and how that creates a huge boon in advocacy groups to moblize and lobby for  green energy, increased recycling, bills to reduce non reusable packaging and so on. 

Beyond the money though, your rhetoric and stances on these issues bring us hope that if we just canvas a bit more and push a little harder.  Green energy for everyone is in sight.  My new job and hundreds of others like it is delicious, but the sense of hope and urgency I can see filling advocacy offices and campaigns is even sweeter. 

For the  jobs and the money and the hope of a more viable future Mr. Pres, I thank you.