From time to time I still miss Zac. I almost always miss WY or I suppose more accurately I miss CO . I generally feel lonely and sad, but this isn't particularly new in my saga. I feel lonely and sad pretty easily and all that. It doesn't help that I tend to self isolate. I pull away from people and I don't reach out to new friends for replacement or augmentation. I retreat into fantasy too much and am generally difficult. I want more from others than perhaps I'm willing to give or even offer.
I'm out of touch with the time and people in this place.
I think one of the things I miss most about the midwest is even though all this was still true (in some ways my ideals and goals made this more true) I almost never felt isolated. It wasn't just Zac either, heck most of the time I was alone and sometimes I was pleased about that too. The boy is a lot of overhead.
There was always someone I could talk to. Strangers started up conversations with me all the time and that was nice. People weren't on their cell phones all the time and completely unapproachable. I got to know some of the regulars in town who were often out and around the same time I was. I know I was really only talking knitting, tv, current news, weather, and random household nonsense, bu that was enough. I really don't need a lot of socializing to feel good. That's probably the saddest peice.
This really isn't a bitch session about the Northeast though I find the people cold and intentionally malicious. This isn't even really about me being overly senstive and a little paranoid, though those are also true.
I'm trying to get back up, when I was never really on my feet to begin with and it's exhausting. I'm tired and sad and lonely and generally misable. I fall to tears at the drop of a hat. I'm spending more money than I have or will ever have at this point. I'm so keenly hopeful for a promotion at work that I know will never happen and whenever anyone throws out even the tiniest shred of hope I jump on it.
I'm working on becoming at teacher and keenly aware that in this state I just might be unfit even if I pass all my tests and get into a degree program.
I was trying to give up writing. It's occurred to me that I only reach out to the internet or to pen and paper when I'm alone and isolated. It also occurrs to me that all the fiction, poetry, memes, and even journal entries I write so talently is all a form or escapism that I fuel energy into instead of an actual escape. While when I was a teen and there usually wasn't another place for me to go that might have been alright (though probably not because it created negative patturns) it shouldn't be ok forever. Heck when I wanted to desperately drop out of college and I knew I couldn't finding satifaction in writing about dropping out and being ridicuously successful when I knew it could never be true in the real world was probably ok too. Just got it out of my system is all, though I suppose in some ways feeling satified through wring instead of doing might be the whole problem. It's more than a cartharsis. I feel like I've done it, explored the possibility as far or farther than I could have in the real world so there's no reaso to purse it farther.
Anyhow, I'm trying and failing to connect to the world around me. I was looking to my faith to help me, but the truth is that I'm having trouble connecting to much of anything at the moment and it makes me feel more cut off that I've felt in a long time. It's not even like it's a loss of faith. I believe what I've always believed. I don't doubt I just am having a hard time connecting and some of the things I'd have done to help myself reconnect, I just can't do here in this house.
I know I'll figure it out. I know it will be fine. But just like thinking on the past and maybes and what ifs and shouldn't haves doesn't help the will bes are pretty fucking cold comfort.
I'm out of touch with the time and people in this place.
I think one of the things I miss most about the midwest is even though all this was still true (in some ways my ideals and goals made this more true) I almost never felt isolated. It wasn't just Zac either, heck most of the time I was alone and sometimes I was pleased about that too. The boy is a lot of overhead.
There was always someone I could talk to. Strangers started up conversations with me all the time and that was nice. People weren't on their cell phones all the time and completely unapproachable. I got to know some of the regulars in town who were often out and around the same time I was. I know I was really only talking knitting, tv, current news, weather, and random household nonsense, bu that was enough. I really don't need a lot of socializing to feel good. That's probably the saddest peice.
This really isn't a bitch session about the Northeast though I find the people cold and intentionally malicious. This isn't even really about me being overly senstive and a little paranoid, though those are also true.
I'm trying to get back up, when I was never really on my feet to begin with and it's exhausting. I'm tired and sad and lonely and generally misable. I fall to tears at the drop of a hat. I'm spending more money than I have or will ever have at this point. I'm so keenly hopeful for a promotion at work that I know will never happen and whenever anyone throws out even the tiniest shred of hope I jump on it.
I'm working on becoming at teacher and keenly aware that in this state I just might be unfit even if I pass all my tests and get into a degree program.
I was trying to give up writing. It's occurred to me that I only reach out to the internet or to pen and paper when I'm alone and isolated. It also occurrs to me that all the fiction, poetry, memes, and even journal entries I write so talently is all a form or escapism that I fuel energy into instead of an actual escape. While when I was a teen and there usually wasn't another place for me to go that might have been alright (though probably not because it created negative patturns) it shouldn't be ok forever. Heck when I wanted to desperately drop out of college and I knew I couldn't finding satifaction in writing about dropping out and being ridicuously successful when I knew it could never be true in the real world was probably ok too. Just got it out of my system is all, though I suppose in some ways feeling satified through wring instead of doing might be the whole problem. It's more than a cartharsis. I feel like I've done it, explored the possibility as far or farther than I could have in the real world so there's no reaso to purse it farther.
Anyhow, I'm trying and failing to connect to the world around me. I was looking to my faith to help me, but the truth is that I'm having trouble connecting to much of anything at the moment and it makes me feel more cut off that I've felt in a long time. It's not even like it's a loss of faith. I believe what I've always believed. I don't doubt I just am having a hard time connecting and some of the things I'd have done to help myself reconnect, I just can't do here in this house.
I know I'll figure it out. I know it will be fine. But just like thinking on the past and maybes and what ifs and shouldn't haves doesn't help the will bes are pretty fucking cold comfort.
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