A little imagination...
You will cross a country for him and it will be about so much more than love. Of course everyone will hear about how love is the predominate reason, and why shouldn't they? His personality is perfect for yours. The quiet observation is powerful. He knows all your little gestures and truths that no one else knows. Your trust in him is absolute because he holds so much of you in the palm of his hand. He could never betray you.
In truth it's hard to decide whether seeing him or the journey to see him has you more exicted. There's something in travel and adventure that holds your attention. A people wandering across the land with no one place to call home fascinates you. The biblical burdens of the Jewish people and the constant forced march of the Native Americans holds a strong pull over you. You know it's wrong or at least unusual to feel this way. Phrases like road weary come to mind. The photos of tear filled Natives being ripped from their land is the reality behind the dream of a fluid people. After all, didn't the Jews just want a home? Isn't stability to be worshipped above all others?
Something in your being must be terribly broken to not just look forward to the drive but to long for one continous stream of travel. Some people hate the commute, and others just hate the destinations. Of course you're going to him, so the destination is wonderful too. You keep telling yourself that its all going to work out. Love conquers all doesn't it? What's an unquenchible wander lust, an economic slump, and a host of other small bumps in the road compared to love?
Everything will be fine.
And you know, it is fine for a while. There's so much ground to cover. You don't think there's ever been so many places to explore or things to o see. He will smile and laugh with you. Sometimes it will all be to humor you, but most of the time he likes the travel just as much as you. Even when he's seen it before, your wonder is his wonder. Sometimes the light and joy of half can satisfy the whole.
Sometimes the misery and interia of one half can styme the whole too. Your frustration will build, because you want more than this. There's always more to want. For you it's mostly more travel and, ironically enough, more stability.
You'll keep taking little dead end jobs to keep the finances a float. You'll be worried and you will argue. The arguements are little ones. Knit picking over who is doing the worst. Disagreeing over the next course of action and what will happen in the future. Fights over who worries too much and who doesn't worry enough. Food bills, entertainment, and road trips are scrutinized.
He will ask for you to do your share. You will ask that he finishes school as he promised. There are a million reasons why he can't start school and none of them will seem reasonable to you. He has debt and doubt regaurding school. You have debt and your own doubt in him and how in sync he can ever be with the kind of life you want to live. You have serious doubts about whether he will ever be more than the guy who started college, works in a warehouse while on "break" from school, and drinks with a few of his buddies from time to time.
One day you'll wake up and realize this was not the agreement. You promised to move if he got a job, a place, and had a plan for school or for formal training in a field. You held up your end of the promise and moved. Left a stable sturdy job for one temporary place of work and then another. Nothing ever seems to level out. All those temporary to permenent jobs fall through. You know you're a hard worker and you know you have valuable skills, but your confidence of these statements keeps shrinking. You keep telling yourself it's not you it's the economy. Everyone echoes this, but it doesn't change the fact that you can't hold down a job and have no idea what you need to do to change this streak.
He's watched you struggle and worry but it hasn't moved him. His promise to start school the next semester fails. Summer semester is upon you now and after weeks of hassling him, he tells you he's not going to school. He decided sometime, and Gods know when he planned to tell you, that he won't go back to school until after his loans are paid off. Forget that he's left the whole thing half done. Forget that colleges won't take his credits after three years. Just forget ever getting out of the hole in general. He's happy in a pit and the two of you can be happy there together.
You will be shattered by the news. On one side is a man you trust, who makes you happy, who you love and want to do well. On the other side is a standard of living that will make you haggard and old long before your time. You'll know what you have to do but you won't want to do it.
It takes a week to work up to talking to him about moving back across the country. There's more opportunity for you there and both of you know people who might help you some. He won't hear of it. Calls you selfish and unfair for springing it on him. He'll end the relationship with just that conversation. There will be no more talk about marriage or lives together. It will be over in two hours. You'll be packing and crying.
It will be hard to decide if you're angry or sad or both. You'll feel wrecked. You will be devestated over what's broken here and what you are leaving and you will have reservations about where you're going.
But damn it all, you are still looking forward to the journey across the country.
In truth it's hard to decide whether seeing him or the journey to see him has you more exicted. There's something in travel and adventure that holds your attention. A people wandering across the land with no one place to call home fascinates you. The biblical burdens of the Jewish people and the constant forced march of the Native Americans holds a strong pull over you. You know it's wrong or at least unusual to feel this way. Phrases like road weary come to mind. The photos of tear filled Natives being ripped from their land is the reality behind the dream of a fluid people. After all, didn't the Jews just want a home? Isn't stability to be worshipped above all others?
Something in your being must be terribly broken to not just look forward to the drive but to long for one continous stream of travel. Some people hate the commute, and others just hate the destinations. Of course you're going to him, so the destination is wonderful too. You keep telling yourself that its all going to work out. Love conquers all doesn't it? What's an unquenchible wander lust, an economic slump, and a host of other small bumps in the road compared to love?
Everything will be fine.
And you know, it is fine for a while. There's so much ground to cover. You don't think there's ever been so many places to explore or things to o see. He will smile and laugh with you. Sometimes it will all be to humor you, but most of the time he likes the travel just as much as you. Even when he's seen it before, your wonder is his wonder. Sometimes the light and joy of half can satisfy the whole.
Sometimes the misery and interia of one half can styme the whole too. Your frustration will build, because you want more than this. There's always more to want. For you it's mostly more travel and, ironically enough, more stability.
You'll keep taking little dead end jobs to keep the finances a float. You'll be worried and you will argue. The arguements are little ones. Knit picking over who is doing the worst. Disagreeing over the next course of action and what will happen in the future. Fights over who worries too much and who doesn't worry enough. Food bills, entertainment, and road trips are scrutinized.
He will ask for you to do your share. You will ask that he finishes school as he promised. There are a million reasons why he can't start school and none of them will seem reasonable to you. He has debt and doubt regaurding school. You have debt and your own doubt in him and how in sync he can ever be with the kind of life you want to live. You have serious doubts about whether he will ever be more than the guy who started college, works in a warehouse while on "break" from school, and drinks with a few of his buddies from time to time.
One day you'll wake up and realize this was not the agreement. You promised to move if he got a job, a place, and had a plan for school or for formal training in a field. You held up your end of the promise and moved. Left a stable sturdy job for one temporary place of work and then another. Nothing ever seems to level out. All those temporary to permenent jobs fall through. You know you're a hard worker and you know you have valuable skills, but your confidence of these statements keeps shrinking. You keep telling yourself it's not you it's the economy. Everyone echoes this, but it doesn't change the fact that you can't hold down a job and have no idea what you need to do to change this streak.
He's watched you struggle and worry but it hasn't moved him. His promise to start school the next semester fails. Summer semester is upon you now and after weeks of hassling him, he tells you he's not going to school. He decided sometime, and Gods know when he planned to tell you, that he won't go back to school until after his loans are paid off. Forget that he's left the whole thing half done. Forget that colleges won't take his credits after three years. Just forget ever getting out of the hole in general. He's happy in a pit and the two of you can be happy there together.
You will be shattered by the news. On one side is a man you trust, who makes you happy, who you love and want to do well. On the other side is a standard of living that will make you haggard and old long before your time. You'll know what you have to do but you won't want to do it.
It takes a week to work up to talking to him about moving back across the country. There's more opportunity for you there and both of you know people who might help you some. He won't hear of it. Calls you selfish and unfair for springing it on him. He'll end the relationship with just that conversation. There will be no more talk about marriage or lives together. It will be over in two hours. You'll be packing and crying.
It will be hard to decide if you're angry or sad or both. You'll feel wrecked. You will be devestated over what's broken here and what you are leaving and you will have reservations about where you're going.
But damn it all, you are still looking forward to the journey across the country.
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