I keep having nightmares and vivid dreams. I wake up and for a few brief seconds I expect to be in Wyoming and then I remember my life and that part sucks almost more than the dream. Zac and Jeff run rampant in my dreams always starting off as people I'm happy to see and turning into people I hate or hide from or am emotionally wounded by. When it's not them it's about strangers abducting me and horrible things happening. It's always winter in these places. I hate it all so very much. I always wake up tired and sore and wishing I could still be asleep even if I'd be back in those dreams. At least the dreams aren't real.
Jeff is gone to Indonesia and I never said good bye. I've been dog sick and busy with work and Kyle's paper stuff. I think there's a chance I can get him to write an essay on his own and I'm not screwing it up. Plus I don't know if I'll ever want to talk to Jeff again. I don't know if I can stomach all the pushing for something more something I'll never want.
I've written and thought about why I hate Jeff's advances now when before I felt similarly. Before Jeff was the best boyfriend I'd had. It was easy to still be interested in him when my current bfs didn't have what he had and didn't have and qualities that filled the void.
Zac filled the void. He's not like Jeff in the least, but he's a complete package. I was with him for so long and appreciated the consideration and thought he offered so much how could I go back to someone as selfish or self centered as Jeff.
I know Jeff believes he terribly considerate to me, and how he acts towards me compared to the world at large is considerate. I've lived with more though and I'll always want that now that I've had it.
Beyond the whole comparison of exs though, Jeff exists on a completely different thought plain than I do. That wasn't the case even months ago, but letting go of a dream and a lifestyle and choosing something else that still nebulous and unknown has completely warped my outlook.
My aura color is altered. Kathleen and I have argued the positives and negatives of it, but it comes down to the fact that I don't just feel like and an altered being, I am an altered being. How I think what my focus is the way the world looks is all different.
I've finally had or taken the life changing experience that people talk so much about for college essays and all that. Odd.
Jeff is gone to Indonesia and I never said good bye. I've been dog sick and busy with work and Kyle's paper stuff. I think there's a chance I can get him to write an essay on his own and I'm not screwing it up. Plus I don't know if I'll ever want to talk to Jeff again. I don't know if I can stomach all the pushing for something more something I'll never want.
I've written and thought about why I hate Jeff's advances now when before I felt similarly. Before Jeff was the best boyfriend I'd had. It was easy to still be interested in him when my current bfs didn't have what he had and didn't have and qualities that filled the void.
Zac filled the void. He's not like Jeff in the least, but he's a complete package. I was with him for so long and appreciated the consideration and thought he offered so much how could I go back to someone as selfish or self centered as Jeff.
I know Jeff believes he terribly considerate to me, and how he acts towards me compared to the world at large is considerate. I've lived with more though and I'll always want that now that I've had it.
Beyond the whole comparison of exs though, Jeff exists on a completely different thought plain than I do. That wasn't the case even months ago, but letting go of a dream and a lifestyle and choosing something else that still nebulous and unknown has completely warped my outlook.
My aura color is altered. Kathleen and I have argued the positives and negatives of it, but it comes down to the fact that I don't just feel like and an altered being, I am an altered being. How I think what my focus is the way the world looks is all different.
I've finally had or taken the life changing experience that people talk so much about for college essays and all that. Odd.
Comments