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Nov. 13th, 2010

Amused

The neighbors have a golden retriever puppy that they apparently don't know how to train or leash. It's sweet and energetic but clearly untrained and it makes my dog edgy. My mom and I were outside, we'd just let our dog back in the house because she was having trouble with the retriever when the retriever decided to jump on my mom, and boom just like that I had the dog down and on the ground. It was kind of cute how quickly it calmed down and was all like "oh so this is what you want". Very sweet dog. I hope the owners work something out soon because it's a smart dog, but it's going to be very big when it grows up and the jumping and nipping it displays now will hurt someone when it's bigger if someone doesn't give it a better outlet.

Now my dog is anxious in the house, following my mother and I around while whining. The retriever is tracking us outside, every window I go to, there's the dog looking expectantly at me. It's very cute. I kind of want to pull out a tennis ball and have the two dogs play together, but I think it would agitate my dog as she's already kind of edgy. Le sigh for insecure dogs and neighbors who don't understand the responsibilities of dog ownership.

Nov. 12th, 2010

Teen Books, The Nook and Very Little Else to Talk About

Nov. 1st, 2010

Throw on the Black Dress

Jul. 31st, 2010

updating from my new nook

So the laptop has really really died and im now trying to use my nooks beta eb to write. It's kind of odd and a bit difficult. I think a keyboard plug in would make a. A world of difference. Meh im a little over half way reading warof the worlds. It slow going because itsso old. One thing that wells does well is the differing emotions that vary people go through in crisis. Thealiens lack fear that the modernized movie gave them, thoughthey retain those badass heat rays but the book maibtans. And improves on the terror that is our own kind

Anyhow this is going to be the summer of free nook books. Im reviewing library audios along with ebooks throughmy bnaccount my en name s still tigresslilly. Feel free to look me up or steer me to good free ebooks. Really into sci fi though anything free is nice

Other news i may visitaj today. Mixed feelings on the adventure but meh i can always leave

Jul. 27th, 2010

Updates and Short Reviews

So the comp has promptly crashed and died on me again. It's of no matter, I've been journalling on actual paper so meh.

In more interesting news, I saw Inception and it is a must see to all my friends. A lot of thoughtful themes are there and I think I'm going to write a more in depth spoilery something later. Until then know it's awesome and that there should really be a prequel.


Also, I did end up buying a nook. I really like it so far, though I've only had it a few days. I've read two full books on it and in the process of reading War of The Worlds. I'd forgotten how much I liked sci-fi till just now. Anyhow, if anyone is looking for a free good ebook to read, I reccomend Metagame, it's a 1984 style book/plot with some of the dread, a lot more interest in the new tech, and less of the overwhelming sense of hopelessness. Other interesting things to note is that the speech and the evolution of this world apparently relied heavily on gaming so get used to a lot of gaming terms and hard core gamer mentalities played out in real life. Also the book is very heavy handed with religion which didn't bother me until the last five pages of so. The rest of it kind of makes up for those five pages though.

Beyond Metagame I read a short sci-fi erotic story which mostly reminded me of trolling adultfanfiction original works. It wasn't good but it wasn't bad. I'd recommend reading it to those looking for a mild quick diversion. Something a little campy with very limited technical quality.

And now I'm off to pick up on War of the Worlds again. See you!

Jul. 20th, 2010

I know I skipped two days writing. Day 1 my mom caught me and needed to vent about the new edics of the pope where he finds pedophilia and women becoming priests equally heinous crimes. Since his faith finds shop lifting and murder also equally heinous and punishable, I'm not sure where my mother's resentment comes from. I guess it's probably just the gall that he would say it or that he would imply that female priests were an abomination against God as opposed to just against church doctrine. I feel bad for her because she was just beginning to find her faith again after the European pedophile scandals and was just ready to go back to church and now this decree has brought her back to square one. She talks to me because my inherent presence is apparently comforting and I'm innately spiritual, and she currently chooses to overlook that I'm not innately spiritual with Jesus.

I can't be too involved though. There is nothing I could say that would be true to me and would help lead her back to the church. I'm really against the Roman Catholic church. All the good they do will never justify the hurt and the self righteous attitude that they wear like some kind of impenetrability cloak really angers me.

What I find most interesting about the whole situation is that I did a reiki healing on Thursday and in that session I became aware of and cut several energy lines coming out of my heart chakra. What's fascinating to me is the next day one of my exs calls me out of the blue and keeps insistently asking to date me again for the next day and a half. My mother wants to go on long walks and talks with me about everything under the sun and she seems less secure and certain than she has in months, my sister is calling me and looking to hang out more. Just all these people where maybe these cords were going to or coming from are coming out of the wood work wanting time and energy and attention. It isn't proof of anything and I'm not making definitive statements. I'm just observing.

I need to do energy work for myself and others more frequently. Like the writing that I'm trying to make a habit doing gratitude daily and acknowledging life is something I have to fit into my routine.

It's hard particularly this week to get a good start running since I'm working so many hours, but I'm going to work on it.

In other news, it was supposed to take me two weeks to manage in tips to pull together enough money for the nook. I have enough money now, surprise of all surprises. Apparently focusing on what you want and valuing customer service makes for lots of tips even when about half of your time isn't interacting with customers. The universe really does manifest what one focuses on and in this case it's been money.

Anyhow lots of work and very little time for me to write off to change laundry and possibly clean a bit.

Jul. 17th, 2010

Ereaders, Publishing, and Paganism

So I've decided I need to write more and in specific I want to write more that relates back to pagan-ish stuff. I don't know, I feel kind of compelled almost, I have all this thoughts and buzzing and I think I'd be better off sticking it down and looking at it.

Anyhow I'm making the commitment to write once a day everyday until Shamamian. I'm going to try to make that writing be pagan related and NOT Christian focused (or even Christian noticed or comparable unless I'm tracing roots or influnces). It seems I've slipped into the habit of relating or comparing everything back to Christianity, which is easy enough to fall into when in real life you spend most of your time bringing your faith into terms the majority understands, but this is a going back to source and in source and through source that's for me and I want to keep it free of the constant compare contrast as well as free of the long streak of bitterness I'm still working through with it seems both Christians and the faith itself. And on to the actual writing now!

For the past week or so I've been looking into different cheap ereaders. I finally cashed in my tip change jar and I'm probably two weeks out from being able to purchase the least expensive name brand ereader, the nook. I'm sure there are less expensive readers out there, but honestly some of the research on these different readers and their capability are a little over my head and I want to stick with something popular and main streamy with lots of reviews and thoughts all put in less complex terms.

One problem I have with the nook and the kindle is that there seems to be a limited amount of pagan books in the ereader format. If I wanted to keep a copy of Spiral Dance or Drawing Down the Moon on hand for example, it wouldn't seem to be possible through these stores/devices. Perhaps it isn't possible at all, but I kind of thought that besides beach reading and recreation it would be nice if I could carry pagan resources and tools on hand with me. It's nice when one is referencing an author or a work in an explanation to be able to just go to that example and have a person read it, instead of paraphrasing or trying to remember or whatever else.

It seems that kindle does have Scott Cunningham's work, $ilver Ravenwolf's work (not that this is good simply that it is available and while I might not like her or agree with her she is technically pagan), Ted Andrews and some others available.

Nook has Ted Andrews. I'm not sure who else because their site doesn't make it easy to search for "new age" "occult" or "spiritual" ebooks. They have a ridiculous amount of Christian works compared to other faiths (about three times as many books as all other faith sections combined if you do not including General religion section which is usually mostly Christian work anyhow).

On a side note, nook (I don't know 100% for kindle) does support pdfs so several pagan resources I have on my comp which is now too fiesty to run, I can move over to the nook to read, look at and otherwise enjoy.

The fiction selections are better on both devices (about equal really), though they obviously don't have everything, I've gone through four or five pagan book websites and looked up interesting books to see if they're available. For what interested me there is about 45% availability on either kindle or nook. I haven't checked the library sites yet, but the nook might win out on available cheap fiction just because it's compatible with sails ebook format.

Beyond that both of these products magazine subscription areas are very limited. It would be lovely to have several articles of magazines with me all the time and to be able to pick and skim and recall. Cooking magazines and feminist ones come mostly to mind, but I'd love to capture some craft magazines on there too. Even if I only bought and article and there was no color it's nice to have a quick reference. Heck some mags might even find me buying their product twice, once in print and ones electronically if there was a few pieces that were of value.

What does interest me about the nook over the kindle is there epub section which is coming soon (how soon is up for speculation right now since it was supposed to launch this summer and hasn't). At the epublishing section one can self publish any of his or her own writings and Barnes and Noble will sell it as an e-book for their nook and ereader apps. It's occurred to me that this might be an amazing platform for pagan writers. Depending on when it opens and what the terms are, it might be a very open source for writers who struggle to get published or to find an audience. The long memes and discussions about lack of pagan reading material or reliable pagan info could become a thing of the past or more true than ever with an automatic (because the epub does describe itself as a place a writer logs in and auto publishes) publisher. People who have the research/knowledge/or story telling bug could just do the work and pop out published.

Obviously in conjuncture with that there would need to be a marketing campaign which could probably be orchestrated through pagan forums, journal groups, or even a few youtube plugs. It's interesting though with the way the net has caused blogging to pop up with everyone having an opinion and voice and equal chance to speak what maybe online publishing whether this site or another could do for minority groups. It could network and help mainstream and open all of us up did different voices and thoughts that were more localized because of lack of medium. I don't know, it's exciting to think of the possibilities that an online publishing area which feeds into one of the major ereader devices could do.

I'm trying not to let this idea effect my ereader purchase too much. After all I don't see an epub up and running. I don't know how it will run, and even if it is a free as the propganda implies, it still is likely to be mostly cluttered with shit instead of quality. It will probably require a lot of interenet and real world networking to get anything one would publish read and there may be fees involved, which makes at least breaking even more important and lessens the chance of using it as a tool for free content to gain a following.

Jun. 25th, 2010

Life

Life updates:

1. Was promoted at Cosi to shift supervisor and I could be promoted again within six months. Right now I'm making $11/hr and will be up to $12/hr in 39 days, not that I'm counting.

2. Wakefield is up in the air, they keep putting me off and I'm wondering if they have it in their budget to hire me or anyone for that position or if they don't want to turn down my Aunt's favorite nephew's grandchild and can't find a nice way to turn me away.

3. The vic is dead, breaks went on me. We're trying to sell the car on Craig's List because my dad can't stomach the idea that she'll be torn into pieces in a junk yard.

4. I can not afford a car new or used. I don't have enough to buy it out right and even though I have school loans, for some reason those don't count so taking out a car loan would be my first loan which no one is willing to share enough that I could by a car with with any kind of reasonable interest. Banks suck as do car dealers and car salesmen. I don't know why this shit has to be so hard.

5.My family is sharing cars until my car shit can be sorted out, which will probably be in mid August when I'll be more comfortable with my promotion and have saved up enough to go from $1500 down on a car to about $2000 down and be more comfortable with car payments-- maybe. Perhaps there are sales or something else that I'll be able to use then. I don't know the whole situation makes me nervous as fuck and often I just want to cry about it (now if only that would help).

Anyhow getting rid of the Vic has brought up a lot of WY shit. Just memories and dreams and amorphous floating thoughts. Not a bad place just not a good place either. It makes me miss Zac a little and I had thought I was past that. I mean I don't date miss him I just companion and partner miss him. A lot of the romance in our relationship had kind of faded anyhow by the time I'd left him. We tried, but our lives were too much on edge for a lot of that. We knew we were losing that fight. But travel partners, friends in struggle and all those good metaphors were as golden as ever. I could use a room mate or a friend like him right now is all.

Anyhow working in Wareham makes me think of WY too. The people there have a lot of similar characteristics to those in WY. They aren't as rough around the edges and they aren't homophobes, but the J-man is very present in their lives. They are very serious about a job that most people think of as a "fake" job. There are warm and inviting and generally lack the classic New England snobbery/ cold fish syndrome that I hate so much. Aloof is not my choice emotion in myself or others.

I feel like part of me is finally knitting back together that was lost. About eight months ago I'd gone to get an aura reading and confirmed that my aura had drastically changed. It isn't back the way it was before, too much has happened for that, but it isn't blue anymore either (not that there is anything wrong with blue in general, but I'm not really suited for that amount of that level of energy).

Some spiritual stuff later but I'm not up for a write up on it right this moment.
Tags: , ,

Jun. 16th, 2010

My faith wanderings in supposedly problem solution format

Jun. 6th, 2010

Post Wedding Notes

May. 19th, 2010

I Turned Twenty-Four Yesterday

Nothing meaningful will be in this post, just musings and life updates and so on.

For the record, I think I secretly like Emma coming home from college. Sure she's a moody stressed out pill. Sure she makes it clear that she has utter disdain for me and my life and how I'm doing, perhaps I even deserve that. And yeah she's a patronizing, mess making, privacy stealing, condescending jerk. And there is still a silver lining. She's driving both my parents crazy. I know I drive my mother crazy but I hadn't realized until dad started spending so much time at home how easy it could be to also drive my father crazy in completely different ways.

I mean he's definitely going to lose it on her. I tried to intervene the other day and talk with Emma about the stuff she's doing to drive both parents, especially dad, up the wall. She blew me off cause she knows better than me. If anything some of her behavior is worse than it was before.

That's the difference in personality between her and me though. I see the value in people with her attitude and I see what they can achieve so easily that I constantly struggle with but she sees no value in me. Because Emma is a successful person and will continue to be successful. She has so much energy and drive, people respect that and promote/reward her (and she deserves that). She is also careless with people's emotions, misses large cues on when to stop talking or doing something, and leaves her stuff everywhere and expects lessers to clean up her mess because she has serious important business ahead of her. I know she thinks people like me are nice sniveling cowards who must act as we do because we can't create worth through doing we are forced to create it through being. I know she doesn't get that for as many promotions she earns, she also has to leave quite a few jobs because of her blunt and sometimes mean statements.

We'd be a great team if Emma ever wanted me on board, but most of the time we're just people forced to acknowledge the other and occasionally be jealous that one of us has something the other wants. I've been really down on myself recently. My career life is going badly and I don't foresee improvement soon and meanwhile Emma has achieved some basic things I really need in her life that are just nice accessories to her. It's good to know I have some value and worth on my own that she can't take from me and that achieving my goals as she achieved them would be impossible with my temperament. Just as basic empathy and forethought seems completely foreign to her.

May. 15th, 2010

Kids Today

So I've been thinking a lot about vampire novels in the past few months. My intention was to write an entry about what vampire novels appealed to me as a teen and why. It was to go on to explore how much of that I could have gotten those elements with out the fantasy aspect, and I'd probably have talked about how some of what I was looking for was/is very different than what my peers found or were searching for in the same books. Then I was going to jump forward in time and talk about the vampire craze among youth today and what similarities and differences their vampire craze has to mine. I mean they've totally re-imaged the L.J. Smith, Ameila Rhodes, and the woman who wrote Blood and Chocolate/The Silver Kiss covers, but they are the same books I read and liked as a teen so there MUST be some cross over (granted the focus is on the books I liked the least with the ones I like best still hard as hell to find but I mean if they are still playing with the same toys we must be looking for some of the same things).

I was going to build up to how Twilight, while I might enjoy the series for many other reasons (I mean I haven't read it so I might like it), would not have what I'm looking for in a vampire book/movie/event.

And then while talking to the younger kids at Cosi a few days ago I realized what exactly was missing. These kids have NEVER heard of Anne Rice or her Vampire stories. I mean to me if you want to catch a vampire novel Anne Rice is pretty much THE name to know. Her writing and her ideas and her descriptions are largly influential in how I see vampires and interpret them within fiction.

And this isn't just me. I read a lot of shit no one had heard of and didn't care about, but if I started talking about Anne Rice with any of my teen peers (my college peers, hell adults between the ages of 25-50), they had minimally seen the movie Interview With a Vampire, if not gone on to read that book. They had major thoughts on the work and whether they were good or bad there was a lot of thinking about the image of a vampire presented through Rice's writings or movie renderings of her writings.

These children with their twilight craze have never even heard of who Anne Rice is. They don't know Interview with a Vampire or Queen of the Damned exist even as movies. They don't know who Lestat is and they don't care to know. They have these soft fluffy cuddly vamps, some of which have small aspects of a larger vamp picture I appreciate, but they've missed the big meat and potatoes of what I want in a vampire. I mean the next closest rendition of worthwhile vamps is either Angel or Spike from Buffy and then we still see mostly the soft shit with hardly a mention to the dark twisted gory underbelly that is core to the whole vampire being.

What kind of goth children are we raising who read Twilight but never pick up Anne Rice? I don't know I'm still a little dumbfounded. Did other people know about this? And why is it that teens prefer these marshmellow fangless vamps to Rice's dark, rich, complex descriptions? Is it a marketing move or a conscious choice of teens to steer clear of some content. I mean where's the balance between the soft "saving myself" kind of junk and the dark messed up confusing sometimes titillating works (and not just Anne Rice here, she's kind of an old stand by but there are plenty of others)? Je ne sais pas.

Apr. 24th, 2010

Is a Bit Melancholy I suppose

Apr. 23rd, 2010

Hero Within Quiz (okcupid found via moondancer)

Your result for Awakening the Hero Within: Hero Archetype Test...

You are the Seeker.

54% Innocent, 25% Orphan, 54% Warrior, 71% Caregiver, 92% Seeker, 63% Lover, 67% Destroyer, 63% Creator, 72% Magician, 63% Ruler, 67% Sage and 63% Fool!

Goal: Search for better life


Fear: Conformity


Response to Dragon/Problem: Flee from it


Task: Be true to deeper self


Gift: Autonomy, ambition


Addictions: Independence, perfection




The Seeker seeks to find a better future or found a more perfect world. Seekers often feel confined and are therefore vulnerable to the call of the unknown. Wandering begins with rather aimless experimentation. Often, this experimentation alienates those around the Seeker and the Seeker is forced to give up his/her conventional life to wander and grow. Eventually, the Seeker finds h/er Grail and can create a new life of convention.



Shadow Seeker


The Shadow Seekers manifests itself as an obsessive need to be independent that keeps us isolated and alone. Other times, the urge to seek will take destructive forms such as chemical addiction, or even to dangerous situations that produce adrenalin. Seeking is often dangerous. In a materialistic, secular society, the mountain to be scaled is often professional or vocational. Initially, channeling the urge to ascend into various kinds of achievement is very positive and healthy. Therefore, modern Seekers often find themselves seeking a high through their work, working an ever increasing amount of time to satisfy her/his needs.




Take Awakening the Hero Within: Hero Archetype Test at OkCupid

Apr. 17th, 2010

Kickass Deserves Some Awards

If you can't guess, last night I went to see Kickass. No real analysis this early in the movie viewing process, I just want to say damn, this movie rocked. It's the first movie since The Golden Compass and Kiss Kiss Bang Bang that I've seen and really been like "this movie was the bomb, I had a great time and there's nothing I'd change/want more of/wish wasn't there." (not entirely true with Golden Compass, I loved it so much I read the book and then there was stuff missing from the movie I'd have wanted).

Some things that took me by surprise in a good way that are not spoilers:

1. The fight scenes are beautiful. None of that jerky m-tv bullshit that screams "I don't know how to make a fight seen but wanted one in my damn movie". These were clear pretty easy to follow scenes with some wonderful, if a little stereo typical moves.

2. The differing levels of intensity between superheros really helped balance the messaging and thoughts about the whole concept.

3. Use of cell phones, social networking pages, gps was smart and funny and modernizing.

4. The music was perfectly timed and added significantly to the movie.



Conclusion: this movie needs motherfucking awards maybe as one of the few movies that is actually viewable out of all the shit usually produced. I don't know but it was very funny and it was a cute little action film. It's not a movie I'd recommend to everyone (the violence is very graphic and anyone with a sensitivity to childhood abuse will probably find Mindy/Hit Girl to be triggerish and there are many other pc problems I could think of if I wanted to but am ignoring for a moment of squee) but it was a refreshing change to other stuff I've seen and been told to like.

Apr. 7th, 2010

Happy Share Time

So I'm now officially 128lbs, if I lose another eight pounds I'll be within the high end of average for my height category and if I lose thirteen pounds I'll be at what doctors have been telling me should be my ideal weight. I'd love to tell people in the real world this but the people at Cosi will hardly care and bless my mother but she had trouble being a good sport when she's working so hard and has so much to lose while it seems to be melting off me with so much less work. It particularly gets at her because I've been losing weight since maybe September and I've lost a little over 10% (17lbs) of my total weight since then. She's been on this diet and exercise plan and going to weight watcher meetings (which I don't do of course) since May and lost her 10% like a month ago. Her 10% is more than twice mine though, so I think she's doing better than me in a lot of ways and this is her first diet she's started and followed so go team go. Plus she has to remember that I miss a lot of times for over eating (like Easter) by working. No will power or points, I'm just not present.

Another thing that galls her is that she's seen weight loss in areas she'd prefer to keep and kept weight in areas she wanted to lose. I've lost weight from my waist and that's it pretty much. I thought that part of the reason I went up two cup sizes past was because I'd gained weight. It looks like I might end up keeping that though. Since the time I went up cup sizes was all before I turned twenty I suppose it's possible that it was just the tail end of puberty, but I'm less than thrilled to learn I'm just as top heavy as I've always thought I was. My slightly bottom heavy proportion is gone (though I still have a nice butt ^_^).

In other news bunny is in the hutch and she seems to be loving the warm weather and the new scents and the increased space.

Our basement is no longer flooded and it seems the water has cleared out of our surrounding area.

I love my new 14yr old tutor student. She's pretty much the reason I think I'd like teaching that age group. I wish I felt more optimistic about my application process. I wish I knew how to make me more successful with that.

I'm frustrated with my fourth grade tutor family. The child is his same nine year old self but the mother keeps canceling, swapping session times, and otherwise running a muck with my schedule. I know as a Catholic she's been in the middle of holiday season and that she plans to go on a two week vacation soon but I hate all this being yanked around and canceled or rearranged within a half hour of when I'm supposed to be there.

Reiki with Mrs. V was the bomb last week and I'm trying to apply some of the lessons we talked about to my life. It's been hard, but interesting. I'll probably hang out with her again in a week or so.

There's a bee in my room at this moment that is scaring me but I'll live. I slept last night with it there and am so far unscathed.

And now I'm off to get ready for work. Must be dressed and eat something and all that fun stuff.

Mar. 31st, 2010

On Pagan Narnia and General Thinky-ness

I've been thinking about [info]elfwreck's Journalspherical Religion Talky-Thinkiness post and this one is most definitely inspired by it though not necessarily 100% related.

I suppose this is meta arguing for Pagan flavored writing and what might equate a pagan narnia )

Mar. 30th, 2010

Real life Talk for a bit

I am in a yet unkown mood. I don't know really. It's raining and there was a basement emergency flooding session that stressed the hell out of me yesterday. My mom, brother, and I have it under control now. Apparently one sump pump won't do the trick when there is like a six inch moat of water all around your home.

I ran into Mrs. V on Friday and am going to see her today to catch up and maybe do some reiki. I dunno yet about the reiki but I think probably.

My cramps are killing me slowly it seems. I'm maxed out on pamperin again and very little effect seems to come of that. I'm tired and my back hurts. I'm probably just a tad bit angsty.

A guy from Cosi has a band playing at club hell that he wants me to see on Monday. I agreed before I thought about it and now I'm wondering if I'm going to go. It's a metal band so I have meduim at best interest to start with. I have no hangout peeps at the moment so there is no one to go with (could ask Emma but I know Tues and Thurs are her heavy class load days and she would probably say no anyhow). It's possible that there are others at the Cosi who are going or want to go but I hung out very briefly with those kids on Fri at Dave and Busters and while all kind people, I'm too damn awkward. I mean they are younger than me, all of them have significant others, and all of them are interested in a pace of life that I just can't seem to catch on to.

I have another tutoring kid I start working with today. She's fourteen and needs help in math. I hope I can help her some but we'll see.

Anyho, life calls and I'm working on being there. See you all later.

Mar. 25th, 2010

Is Ranting

Mar. 22nd, 2010

Pokemon Pokemon Pokemon

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