tigresslilly

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 15:16:46 GMT

I've been busy and exhausted. Dunno why I'm so tired, I just am. I slept most of my two days off away. I meant to write. Heck I meant to get to the library to borrow some of my suggested reading. Instead I made a cake for my sister, slept, and started a knitting project (which does take hours for me cause I keep starting and restarting it until I have something halfway decent on the sticks).

Somewhere I found the energy for reading posts and internet games. I responded to a few, but meh. I'm in a mopey tired mood for no reason. Hopefully this week at work won't be as hard as last weeks but since we're swinging into Christmas season I don't hold out a lot of hope.

I feel like my brain has been fried.

Hey Everyone Suggest Books for Me That Would be in a Library!

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 15:06:11 GMT

Comment with a good book or two or a million I could get at my local library.

Just finished Push, the one that the movie Precious is based off of, and it occurs to me I really like reading and need some more stuffs. Not money rich though so keep in mind whatever you rec can't be too new or even if it's at the library, I'll be charged to take it out.

Help a girl out with comments, links and so on please.

1984 Thoughts so Far

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 15:26:55 GMT

"V for Vendetta" both the movie and the graphic novel did it sooo much better. "1984" is one of those books that so far (I'm only a fourth of the way through part three) could have benefited from major editing. I mean this tome goes on and on and on on on about doublespeak. I got the concept the first eighty times. Seriously, the book dedicates over twenty pages and two separate sections to the idea of doublespeak.

Also, I love a good metaphysical discussion as much as the next person, but how long can a dude talk about the realities of history? Some of it might just be that I don't think our current history records or our current reporting styles are so pristine that I can get too worked up about the Ministry of Truth's work. It's bad sure, I don't know if destroys objective history (as such a thing doesn't exist) or if it would bring every aspect of my life and personal thoughts into question.

Whole swaths of women's history and non-white people's history is still trying to be pieced together and learned. Whether or not we know it or understand it doesn't change that it happened.

In the neo-pagan movement one of the many questions that has to be faced if you want to use British witch-craft as a source or Wicca outer court material is whether the history matters. After all, the creations there are new with faked older lineage. If the material is valid regardless of age the good for you and if it's not good, then it's just not going to work with you.

Winston is horrified by something that we all deal with to a certain degree. Maybe it's just one of those horrors you have to be there to really understand-though if that's the case then maybe 1984 shouldn't have relied so heavily on it.

On a completely different note, how come all these super controlled societies are run by men and questioned only by men? I know what you're going to say, Juila is the catalyst for Winston's true rebellion. Without her, Winston would have just gone on being unhappy and frustrated and probably would have one day given himself away without ever experiencing any of the joy of rebellion.

I like Julia. She sneaks around eating good food pilfered from the elite's store. She sleeps with whomever she pleases. She knows where the safe areas are to go to talk or relax. She knows how to hide in plain sight and she can pick out others who are probably doing the same. Why the hell didn't we start the book off with someone who was frustrated with society and doing something about it the way Julia was? Seriously Winston is just a hopeless little whiner before Julia comes along and he would have stayed that way without her.

What gets me the most about the whole situation is even though Winston "loves" Julia and even though he would be nothing without her, he still looks down on her. She doesn't "care" about The Party's motives or larger goals. Julia doesn't get into a froth over who the party is at war with. She's not surprised that they go back and change information to suit their goals and needs, but she's not horrified either.

Of course, Julia doubts the reality of a war at all, something Winston never even considers. She believes The Party is a bunch of liars but she just doesn't care about what the truth is as it doesn't affect her. Julia believes these things are nebulous and far away compared to immediate concerns over the quality of life.

Winston is on such a high horse about the big issues. Something has to be done. The truth has to be preserved. Would he even care if his quality of life hadn't been impacted?

Beyond that, realistically what is Winston going to do? What can anyone in a society set up as Oceania do? Julia is smart enough to see that her acts of rebellion are probably the limit. You could escape into the proles maybe and then create unrest among them strong enough to cause a revolt, though it seems unlikely as Winston doesn't have the skills or the understanding he'd need to do that. You could stand up publicly in the middle of Oceania against Big Brother and be taken and hope other would follow you example, hope somehow that enough people would protest that the thought police couldn't take them all.

It's a hopeless scenario, sometimes surviving and surviving with some private joys has to be enough.

Another thing why would you trust Charrington? Seriously has Winston ever been in another party building without a telescreen? Did he really believe that The Party let people choose to install them and you know Charrington never found the time or didn't have the money or something?

And why wouldn't Charrington have brought Winston in when Winston first bought the journal or when Winston came back for the paperweight or the first time he and Julia met in the room? How much thought crime did he have to show before he got busted? I thought these people just pulled you off the street for looking at people wrong and now they take their sweet time messing with Winston before they take him in. Heck why didn't O'Brien bring him in at his apartment? It all seems really pointless to me.

Winston seemed far too afraid of pain to really be interested in a change. He cowers at the sight of the thought police. He obeys them even though he knows death and pain are unavoidable. I guess fear can do that to you, but all those words about going down swinging and doing anything to attack at the party seem really hollow when he won't even show rebellion or resistance in the face of what is certain death. How long has he been insisting that he is the dead already only to be suddenly afraid all over again when he has to face it?

Some of the torture seems uninspired and I think that Orwell didn't give human resistance enough credit. He made the human spirit's will to live unbelievably strong and yet it's ability to resist change through brutality is unexplored. I don't know, maybe Orwell was on the ball and people completely collapse all the time the minute torture is implemented. I've been led to believe that torture doesn't work partially because people won't give up correct information or any information even.

One thing Orwell did really well was talk about how once someone breaks they will tell you anything to stop the pain. I liked that Winston just confessed and confessed and confessed. I also like the scene where the one emaciated dying man begs to avoid room 101 and says he will tell them anything so long as he knows what to repeat to them.

It's still a chilling read and it's worth the time, I just think it could have been edited some is all. The book really only has 150 pages of plot and general thought in it worth reading the rest of it seems be be repetition because Orwell thought we should be beaten over the head with a concept that is easy to grasp.

Dollhouse: I think I know what upset me so much in the most recent ep.

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 16:20:11 GMT

I hadn't been able to get Dollhouse out of my head. I've been thinking and thinking and thinking about it. I haven't been a huge fan of season two and the most recent episode Belonging I found was highly triggering for me.

I've read a ton of blogs about Dollhouse trying to see if someone somewhere had said what I felt and couldn't articulate.   I couldn't find anyone with a real thought on why Belonging was so fucking upsetting considering they either thought the whole thing was the bomb or miserable and often saw no need to bring in specifics.

I did find this. Tiger Beatdown explains why I liked season one so much more articulately than I can.

While, I spend a lot of time thinking about the dolls in the dollhouse, Beatdown focuses on the bad guys. It was that honing in on the bad guys that made me realize that my problem isn't with the dolls or the portrayal of the dolls (all of which is another essay), my problem is on the bad guys.

Topher is my trigger. The rape, the manipulation, the use of Sierra and the dolls is something I've come to expect not just in the Dollhouse but within life in general. Horrible shit happens and is more likily to happen to those not in power. It's fucked up that we live in a society where the rape and use of a person isn't the necissarily the trigger, but I have to say for me, the response to the rape, at least in this case, was my trigger.

Previously in the series Topher has been shown a character with no consious and I like him best that way. It makes sense to me that the tech guy can be smart and funny and for whatever reasons not get or not care about what he's doing. Being oblivious or incapable of the situation is simple and makes the character simple.

When Topher was confronted by Dr. Sanders/Whiskey his character started making a dangerous character arch that I was slow on picking up. He acknowledged that the work he does is dangerous and potentially (there's not potential here but Topher sees it differently) damaging to the dolls. He shows that he is aware of the implict evil in the dollhouse, and that Dr. Sanders is his way to escape responsiblity. Dr. Sanders is the fail safe. Topher programed someone to tell him when he's going too far so he never has to think about what he's doing. He never has to consider the broader consequences of the dollhouse. He can just sit up in his computer lab focusing on how to best make a personality that will please a customer. He never has to think about what he's doing to the dolls or what customers are doing to dolls or what he is implictedly a part of because Dr. Sanders is there to do that for him.

In a way Topher imprinted Whiskey with his conscience so it's particularly telling when Dr. Sanders says "why did you make me hate you?" The first time she asks in either "Omega", Topher is too astonished respond. He walks away looking guilty or hurt. In season two episode one "Vows" Dr. Sanders pushes Topher for an answer.

Topher blurts out that he never imprinted her with hatred of him. He talks a bit about how she's a counter balance to him and she's programed to keep him in check, but if she's come to hate him that's all her own emotion.

If Topher looked at what he was doing, as he has to when Dr. Sanders leaves, he would hate himself and his work as much as his programed conscience does.

"Belonging" is the first episode where we deal with Topher making an "on the line" moral decision. He tries to fall back on Dr. Saunders almost immediately and Dewitt reminds him she's gone and he'll have to do this one on his own. While we're watching Echo try to "wake up" the dolls, Dr. Saunders/Whiskey is forcing Topher to wake up and look at what he's doing too.

Topher's reactions are normal, when he first learns about the abuse, he turns to Dewitt, the authority. The authority does more damage and leaves Topher a loose ends over what to do. Blah Blah Blah.

The conversation that bothered me was:

"Topher: I was just trying to help her. Now she's ruined.
Boyd: You had a moral dilemma. Your first. And it didn't go well.
Topher: Priya does not belong in the Dollhouse."

source

That Priya/Sierra doesn't belong in the dollhouse implies that Topher feels other people belong. I'm bothered by the fact that Topher can see what's being done in the Dollhouse is wrong and believe that some people deserve that kind of life and that some people even belong there.

No one belongs in the Dollhouse no matter who they are or what they've done.

I hope that this is another part of Topher's journey and that he continues on to realize no one belongs in the dollhouse and that there are no "good" missions. As he stands now he's graduated from some douche-bag incapable of understanding or who doesn't want to look at the bad to a guy who can feel torn up about people who've "really been abused".

I feel better now that I know what was bothering me and I know it was a particular stopping point in a character arch and not the entirity of the show. This is my current spoon and I'm sticking with it.

* Edit 1* My links aren't working I don't know why so here they are: The first two take you to hulu.com one to the Dollhouse page and the other to the specific episode Belonging.

The second linke take you to Tiger Beatdown's blog specifically a post on the dollhouse: http://tigerbeatdown.blogspot.com/2009/04/dollhouse-joss-whedon-and-strange-and.html

The last link will take you to imdb quotes for Belonging: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1494936/quotes

My mother woke me Up insert the tears

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 14:32:31 GMT

So yea, I'm a awake but a but grouchy. Both my mom and my dad have very early morning exercise and be at work schedules. I'm glad that they're exercising and not letting their lack of weight loss put them off their diets or exercise routine. I don't mind being vaguely awake and aware of those grumblings when they're moving around. I don't really mind when they call out to talk to me and make me fully awake either but I can't fall back asleep and when they leave I'm just tired and grouchy with nothing to do

It's all good, I'll drink tea later and life will pick up.

As a side note now that my facebook picture hunt addiction is over and my try to revive the insanejournal has proven it's not enough (can only post so often, sometimes I have nothing to say, not committed enough for a nanowrite, and can only respond to some friends and coms) I am addicted to facebook apps. I've got cafe world, farmville, fish town, and happy fish. I have others that I tried and just didn't make it to the temp addiction phase. So yeah I'm a little lame.

Moved around all my icons again. Since I only have about 100 free slots whenever I plan a massive update I delete a few I'm not using and add in the newbies. Sometimes i have more space at the end of the swap around. My fannish icons are getting less and less these days but I think that's because I'm not participating in the fandom as much as I should/thought I would. Need to find some Dollhouse and Fringe groups stat.

In other related notes, I've been slowly backdating old journals I never posted because I didn't have internet and journals I wrote by hand. While going through my Senior high school journal I realized that beyond being pretentious and righteous and a know it all I sometimes had interesting thoughts and connections, but there's a lot of muck to rake through first.

Also thanks to my backdating, all my Wyoming journals are off the first page of my journal. There's more in between I should type in but I'm stuck at a particularly angsty journal I don't want to write in or look at again maybe ever. C'est la vie.

Finished my application for an educator's liscence. Hopefully the second set of tests will be worked up and graded soon and I'll have everything I need to start applying for jobs. It's not an ideal time to hunt but we've all got our crosses to bear on that front. Minimally tutoring of some sort should be approachable.

Awesomeness

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 20:38:31 GMT

So I passed the math portion of the teacher's test. I don't know about the English junk yet as it's a new test and they hold on to it forever, but hey the math part is good and that was the part I was worried about. Go me!

Put this on the list of things I Do. Not. Get.

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 14:25:47 GMT

My brother is a terrible writer, as I think I mentioned last week. It's not that he can't write, but he needs some one on one focus and some very specific but simple training. All of that is ok. He and I are working on it and I really think he could be in gear for the limited writing he'll do in college with an engineering major.

I suppose I should say that he and I were working on it. My mom took over, partly because Kyle wasn't smart enough to plan so that I could really look at the work and partly because she doesn't like when others are in control of what's hers .

He has rolling admissions and someone needs to push him through this. He couldn't or wouldn't do it on his own. She might have just felt like she had some momentum left after Kyle needed her to look at the common app and pushed through. I don't really know.

What I do know is that she stopped being "helpful" to the cause yesterday. She's fine at correcting but she doesn't get the kind of one on one detail work that needs to be done. She doesn't get that because you can correct it all in one draft doesn't mean you should (not if you want Kyle to pull something from the mess anyway). She doesn't get that oral correction is like you never did anything. She doesn't get that even written corrections just don't get translated over to the paper because Kyle can't copy word for word and he's so unsure about his work and his own instincts he won't correct stuff in the essay that doesn't make sense to him because he knows that's part of what you wrote down so the not making sense bit is all in his head.

Basically she doesn't get that beyond coaching Kyle in writing and compensating for some of his learning disabilities, I'm coaching him in confidence and doing my utmost to make sure that he understands, can do what I did, and feels good about where he is and the progress he's making. It isn't easy and I don't lie to him about anything. If it's bad I say so, but the trick is not to belabor that point. I tell him we all come in at different starting points and there's nothing we can do about where we start, we can only do something about where we move to. I always stress that we can move this to A work The piece is going to finish strong. I focus on the improvements from last time how he stopped doing x and that was great or I could tell he understood and really worked to keep tense together. To be honest how he picks up and integrates what he understands is very promising.

Anyway, my mom has been yelling for two days and it's getting more insulting and personal each day. We all know she has her limits and snaps. We all knew she'd already broken down on this issue once and was therefor more likely to go crazy over it a second time.

I don't get it. I don't understand what she thinks she'll accomplish yelling at Kyle telling him he's stupid and he can't do the work and his attempts are pathetic. I don't get how I can sit and explain what I'm doing, why I'm doing it and point to some positive results and she can still come in and shit on it all.

I don't get what Kyle was thinking when he didn't jump on this after the first time she went ape shit crazy. I know how demotivating she can be. I know she can shake you in a lot of cruel and hard ways. You know I get the hesitation and I get that the quality of work is going to be less than it was before because now you're shaky. I don't get not trying to dodge all the abuse and crazy you can.

I don't get the whole deal.

Halloween Post Because I Can

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 13:18:23 GMT

My mom and I have been talking about this Halloween party we're putting together since September. It's really very sweet that she's trying to share my enthusiasm and general need of this holiday. Its the one Christian holiday that was never ruined by some sort of whatever junk that's tainted all the others. You know all that junk that's covered them which generally result in me having a bunch a panic attacks and nervous break downs and general freak outs as they come closer.

I mean my connection to this one holiday in the most secular of views is probably one of those big subconscious things that tipped the scale in favor of some neo-paganism classic where I can celebrate Halloween as a big party. A culmination of last year and a clean start on the new year. Beyond the party and the food and all that I'm really trying to focus on that last bit. I need a new start. I need to let go of what I'm carrying and reconnect with some of the good energies and things that I used to sense so naturally. I thought that I could do that without a mile marker, but since I can't, I'm hopeful that the little addition will help.

Anyhow, I'm cooking for a party this year. My brother and his little friends are coming over. The food is mostly weight watchers friendly because I really do want to help my mom with her diet. I want to rent out the Rocky Horror, Evil Dead, and Rosemary's Baby. All classic movies Kyle and his young friends have missed that just need to be remedied. I'm not really a Rocky Horror fan, but I don't think my prejudice should stop peeps from seeing it. After all I'm not a Monty Python fan either so what do I know about great cult classics.

Got food shopping and movie renting and class and work all on the horizon. Ta.

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 14:22:56 GMT

I keep having nightmares and vivid dreams. I wake up and for a few brief seconds I expect to be in Wyoming and then I remember my life and that part sucks almost more than the dream. Zac and Jeff run rampant in my dreams always starting off as people I'm happy to see and turning into people I hate or hide from or am emotionally wounded by. When it's not them it's about strangers abducting me and horrible things happening. It's always winter in these places. I hate it all so very much. I always wake up tired and sore and wishing I could still be asleep even if I'd be back in those dreams. At least the dreams aren't real.

Jeff is gone to Indonesia and I never said good bye. I've been dog sick and busy with work and Kyle's paper stuff. I think there's a chance I can get him to write an essay on his own and I'm not screwing it up. Plus I don't know if I'll ever want to talk to Jeff again. I don't know if I can stomach all the pushing for something more something I'll never want.

I've written and thought about why I hate Jeff's advances now when before I felt similarly. Before Jeff was the best boyfriend I'd had. It was easy to still be interested in him when my current bfs didn't have what he had and didn't have and qualities that filled the void.

Zac filled the void. He's not like Jeff in the least, but he's a complete package. I was with him for so long and appreciated the consideration and thought he offered so much how could I go back to someone as selfish or self centered as Jeff.

I know Jeff believes he terribly considerate to me, and how he acts towards me compared to the world at large is considerate. I've lived with more though and I'll always want that now that I've had it.

Beyond the whole comparison of exs though, Jeff exists on a completely different thought plain than I do. That wasn't the case even months ago, but letting go of a dream and a lifestyle and choosing something else that still nebulous and unknown has completely warped my outlook.

My aura color is altered. Kathleen and I have argued the positives and negatives of it, but it comes down to the fact that I don't just feel like and an altered being, I am an altered being. How I think what my focus is the way the world looks is all different.

I've finally had or taken the life changing experience that people talk so much about for college essays and all that. Odd.

A little imagination...

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 23:49:21 GMT

You will cross a country for him and it will be about so much more than love. Of course everyone will hear about how love is the predominate reason, and why shouldn't they? His personality is perfect for yours. The quiet observation is powerful. He knows all your little gestures and truths that no one else knows. Your trust in him is absolute because he holds so much of you in the palm of his hand. He could never betray you.

In truth it's hard to decide whether seeing him or the journey to see him has you more exicted. There's something in travel and adventure that holds your attention. A people wandering across the land with no one place to call home fascinates you. The biblical burdens of the Jewish people and the constant forced march of the Native Americans holds a strong pull over you. You know it's wrong or at least unusual to feel this way. Phrases like road weary come to mind. The photos of tear filled Natives being ripped from their land is the reality behind the dream of a fluid people. After all, didn't the Jews just want a home? Isn't stability to be worshipped above all others?

Something in your being must be terribly broken to not just look forward to the drive but to long for one continous stream of travel. Some people hate the commute, and others just hate the destinations. Of course you're going to him, so the destination is wonderful too. You keep telling yourself that its all going to work out. Love conquers all doesn't it? What's an unquenchible wander lust, an economic slump, and a host of other small bumps in the road compared to love?

Everything will be fine.

And you know, it is fine for a while. There's so much ground to cover. You don't think there's ever been so many places to explore or things to o see. He will smile and laugh with you. Sometimes it will all be to humor you, but most of the time he likes the travel just as much as you. Even when he's seen it before, your wonder is his wonder. Sometimes the light and joy of half can satisfy the whole.

Sometimes the misery and interia of one half can styme the whole too. Your frustration will build, because you want more than this. There's always more to want. For you it's mostly more travel and, ironically enough, more stability.

You'll keep taking little dead end jobs to keep the finances a float. You'll be worried and you will argue. The arguements are little ones. Knit picking over who is doing the worst. Disagreeing over the next course of action and what will happen in the future. Fights over who worries too much and who doesn't worry enough. Food bills, entertainment, and road trips are scrutinized.

He will ask for you to do your share. You will ask that he finishes school as he promised. There are a million reasons why he can't start school and none of them will seem reasonable to you. He has debt and doubt regaurding school. You have debt and your own doubt in him and how in sync he can ever be with the kind of life you want to live. You have serious doubts about whether he will ever be more than the guy who started college, works in a warehouse while on "break" from school, and drinks with a few of his buddies from time to time.

One day you'll wake up and realize this was not the agreement. You promised to move if he got a job, a place, and had a plan for school or for formal training in a field. You held up your end of the promise and moved. Left a stable sturdy job for one temporary place of work and then another. Nothing ever seems to level out. All those temporary to permenent jobs fall through. You know you're a hard worker and you know you have valuable skills, but your confidence of these statements keeps shrinking. You keep telling yourself it's not you it's the economy. Everyone echoes this, but it doesn't change the fact that you can't hold down a job and have no idea what you need to do to change this streak.

He's watched you struggle and worry but it hasn't moved him. His promise to start school the next semester fails. Summer semester is upon you now and after weeks of hassling him, he tells you he's not going to school. He decided sometime, and Gods know when he planned to tell you, that he won't go back to school until after his loans are paid off. Forget that he's left the whole thing half done. Forget that colleges won't take his credits after three years. Just forget ever getting out of the hole in general. He's happy in a pit and the two of you can be happy there together.

You will be shattered by the news. On one side is a man you trust, who makes you happy, who you love and want to do well. On the other side is a standard of living that will make you haggard and old long before your time. You'll know what you have to do but you won't want to do it.

It takes a week to work up to talking to him about moving back across the country. There's more opportunity for you there and both of you know people who might help you some. He won't hear of it. Calls you selfish and unfair for springing it on him. He'll end the relationship with just that conversation. There will be no more talk about marriage or lives together. It will be over in two hours. You'll be packing and crying.

It will be hard to decide if you're angry or sad or both. You'll feel wrecked. You will be devestated over what's broken here and what you are leaving and you will have reservations about where you're going.

But damn it all, you are still looking forward to the journey across the country.

And Now a Sort of Fannish Post

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 19:50:02 GMT

There are spoilers regarding the latest episode of the Dollhouse and possibly all of season two so far.

During the first season of Dollhouse, I gave it the tentative thumbs up. The device wasn't the best I'd seen, but the whole troupe of actors playing completely different parts each episode is really cool. That the lead was a woman showing her versatility as an actor made me happy. The different games, cult infiltrator, rock star back-up singer, hostage negotiator, and so on were fun. I like that Echo twisted traditional roles. She did unexpected things and took her character to the next level in a lot of the mini skits. I could overlook that the power she showed in these moments was wiped away at the end of each episode because I like the mini person and in the big picture it looked like Echo had been powerful and willful and was still a force of potential danger and power. There was a hint of maybe and the maybe was just another taste for me to want the uprising and to see it as a potentially big and glorious event to look forward too. I don't know if I'm the only one who feel this but the whole show reminds me of The Pretender with a female lead.

I never in a million years wanted the show to become about the actual Dollhouse. I didn't want to learn more about it's internal workings. I didn't want to see that Adelle was in many ways as much a doll as the actual dolls to a bigger group where some men sit in a dark room and smoke. The implication that these men existed and that Adelle had to walk softly to get around them was enough for me. That she sometimes was getting one over on them and that there could be consequences beyond her power to alter if they were involved was enough.

I never wanted Topher to be more than a sad narcissist incapable of real relationships or empathy for others. The question of whether those remembering or those who don't get to remember suffer more isn't a question or theme I want incorporated into the show. Hello been there and covered it best through Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind thanks. By the way the answer to who's better off is always the people with the power are better off. Those remembering always win. They have a choice, they have the knowledge and they have the power. The dolls have to wander around in the dark. That I could ever grow to sympathize with Topher or his position is to make overly light of the whole scenario It makes me blindingly angry.

At the end of the latest episode Topher talks about how Sierra was never meant to be in the Dollhouse. This implies that others in the Dollhouse are meant to be there. Sierra's story is particularly sad and tragic. Comparatively to November's story, the only other doll's back story we have a full account of, it does seem cruel and awful November did seem far more willing in the process than Sierra does.

Still what we know about Victor implies some sort of war trauma why would that make him belong more? And with Echo it seems that she was snooping into the Dollhouse's experiments It seems that the company probably killed her fiancée and was going to send her to jail with trumped up charges. She knew too much and was being silenced, or at least that's what I've gathered. How does this make Echo belong more. Is it because she was "asking for it" by "snooping around" and "sticking her nose where it didn't belong"? Echo is clearly upset about her options and she seems to fully understand in her meeting with Adelle that she's probably never going to be Carolyn again. How is that chilling terrifying knowledge and forced choice make her belong more than Sierra's choices?

Beyond that, how come Sierra is always a victim? Within the dollhouse her keeper was raping her. Outside her doctor drugged and raped her and got her sent to the dollhouse to become a doll after which he continually paid for her to do engagements where she slept with him "willingly". It's too much for me. Too much victimization Too much powerlessness. Too much focus on what is the most unpleasant part of the show and not enough time using the Dollhouse as a tool to do completely different shows every week.

Echo might have some power in this place. She seems to be growing more capable the more she ignored and left to her own devices. Where last season she stood out as "glitching" she now hides that through lies and deception while she tries to lead the other dolls to the same awareness she has now. When caught we find Echo's favoritism continues with Boyd who has a soft spot for her and through Ballard who apparently considers her the insider that will make it possible to take the dollhouse down.

As if one woman's rise in power above suppression and cohesion must be shot down Sierra's character is hit with all time low. As the character that is supposed to be the fighter the gun carrying woman who cleaned up messes, she's become the victim White but still foreign woman to be punished and continually taken advantage of.

Season 2 really hasn't been the same at all as season 1 and I'm not sure whether I can hold onto it after this past episode. I've been watching and waiting for a return to fun echo on assignments with little side trips to the dolls developing personality, but it's not what I'm getting. Echo has up and changed for no particular reason maybe the multiple personality boot is what did it, I don't really know but suddenly we were let in too much to her world I think. It was too much change in her basic doll structure to go so unnoticed. I mean it was a big deal when Sierra Victor and Echo started sitting together.

At the end of last season Ballard suggested that who the dolls had been always effected the imprint. He used Alpha's past as part of the proof and it shows again in Echo's responses. I want more of that kind of direction if we must talk about the dollhouse. I don't know. I'm really unhappy with the second season and how the show looks and feels. I can't give the same defense of it or any defense really that I gave back in season 1. The nefarious has become too much I guess.

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 18:50:40 GMT

There are things in life that are beyond me. I don't know what it would take to make me happy. I don't know if there is any foreseeable time when I'll ever be able to move out of my parents' house. Gods know I want to, but there's all this work, which I'm working on, that's in the way before I can even consider it. It's ugly and heavy and bitchy of me to bring it up. Gosh knows they should be the ones who are angry and tired. I should be thankful that my brother takes so much energy and time.

Kyle is another thing that's just beyond me. The kid is a senior in high school and he really can't write an essay on his own. I mean I know children where that's the case, hell I know college peeps who can't write essays and are successful. The difference is that they know they can't write essays, They know it takes a team and they prep in advance so that the whole team can work it's magic and the essay works.

I like working on Kyle's essays. I like to help him. I mean I'm not useful at as many things as I'd like to be helpful with but I'm really really good at anything English oriented. It's one of those things that college and Wyoming and life kind of made me forget, but I really like literature and I'm really intuitively good at parsing out bits and pieces. I know what to write down to get an A and I know how to write it. I know all about the different processes you can take to get those words on paper.   I know how to lead people with no skill or intuition into the same answers that come to me like a form of divine intervention. I know how to rewrite the shittiest most primitive work into something respectable. I can do it with poetry, lit analysis, exposition and so many other forms of writing.

I know how to weave the obvious into something subtle and rich with meaning if given the opportunity. I am a fucking spin machine. My problem isn't that I don't get it, it's just that there's so much to get. I can go off for hours about the uses of what are seemingly arbitrary words. I can point out what was probably intentional in an author and what was luck. I can point to conscious and unconscious decisions in work. I can follow any lit critics analysis not matter how asinine if he or she throws out a few examples.

I know how to use styles that are considered difficult to master. Hell, I've written some of my best work in the second person and for me if was pretty simple.

I'm not saying that there aren't better people out there. Obviously there are. I'm not even suggesting that I could be helpful to everyone. I think I could help a majority of people with their work if given the one on one time with them and a person who really wanted my help. What I'm saying is that I know what I'm doing and I'm good at it. I can make a plan that will work for a student who has trouble in that area because even though I have a good intuitive grasp of the work, I have several disabilities that make the process as difficult for me as other people less talented find it. I know a lot of tricks, and even ones that don't work for me, I recognize the kind of person they might work for.

For whatever reasons Kyle can't or won't help me work out a schedule for him to do his work by. It's causing tension in the household because everyone has agreed that I should take point on this task, heck I'd like to take point on this, and I can do nothing for a person who won't work out a schedule with me and then stick too it.

Oh well. There is some good. I know that even though I'm good at English, I'd probably fail in job where I'd have to work with more than ten people on their work. I think that working with Kyle has helped to bring back some of my passion too. I mean I'm writing again and I want to write. I feel like some of my poetic inclination is back too. Who knows, maybe some of my poetic flow is awake and well. It's all baby steps.

I still hope to help him. I really want some of this college stuff nailed down. I'll just have to keep pushing at it and hoping it works out.

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 19:24:24 GMT

I miss the road. I miss the space. I miss the air and the wind and the rustle. I miss waking up next to someone. I miss living my life and my selfish spoiled nomadic existence where nothing was stable but there was still love and hope and laughter and dance. I've traded up eventually I guess but it sure doesn't feel that way right now. What I miss could fill tomes and still what I want seems like a daunt open wasteland of uncertain guesses. At least I'm still moving.

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 14:04:06 GMT

From time to time I still miss Zac. I almost always miss WY or I suppose more accurately I miss CO . I generally feel lonely and sad, but this isn't particularly new in my saga. I feel lonely and sad pretty easily and all that. It doesn't help that I tend to self isolate. I pull away from people and I don't reach out to new friends for replacement or augmentation. I retreat into fantasy too much and am generally difficult. I want more from others than perhaps I'm willing to give or even offer.

I'm out of touch with the time and people in this place.

I think one of the things I miss most about the midwest is even though all this was still true (in some ways my ideals and goals made this more true) I almost never felt isolated. It wasn't just Zac either, heck most of the time I was alone and sometimes I was pleased about that too. The boy is a lot of overhead.

There was always someone I could talk to. Strangers started up conversations with me all the time and that was nice. People weren't on their cell phones all the time and completely unapproachable. I got to know some of the regulars in town who were often out and around the same time I was. I know I was really only talking knitting, tv, current news, weather, and random household nonsense, bu that was enough. I really don't need a lot of socializing to feel good. That's probably the saddest peice.

This really isn't a bitch session about the Northeast though I find the people cold and intentionally malicious. This isn't even really about me being overly senstive and a little paranoid, though those are also true.

I'm trying to get back up, when I was never really on my feet to begin with and it's exhausting. I'm tired and sad and lonely and generally misable. I fall to tears at the drop of a hat. I'm spending more money than I have or will ever have at this point. I'm so keenly hopeful for a promotion at work that I know will never happen and whenever anyone throws out even the tiniest shred of hope I jump on it.

I'm working on becoming at teacher and keenly aware that in this state I just might be unfit even if I pass all my tests and get into a degree program.

I was trying to give up writing. It's occurred to me that I only reach out to the internet or to pen and paper when I'm alone and isolated. It also occurrs to me that all the fiction, poetry, memes, and even journal entries I write so talently is all a form or escapism that I fuel energy into instead of an actual escape. While when I was a teen and there usually wasn't another place for me to go that might have been alright (though probably not because it created negative patturns) it shouldn't be ok forever. Heck when I wanted to desperately drop out of college and I knew I couldn't finding satifaction in writing about dropping out and being ridicuously successful when I knew it could never be true in the real world was probably ok too. Just got it out of my system is all, though I suppose in some ways feeling satified through wring instead of doing might be the whole problem. It's more than a cartharsis. I feel like I've done it, explored the possibility as far or farther than I could have in the real world so there's no reaso to purse it farther.

Anyhow, I'm trying and failing to connect to the world around me. I was looking to my faith to help me, but the truth is that I'm having trouble connecting to much of anything at the moment and it makes me feel more cut off that I've felt in a long time. It's not even like it's a loss of faith. I believe what I've always believed. I don't doubt I just am having a hard time connecting and some of the things I'd have done to help myself reconnect, I just can't do here in this house.

I know I'll figure it out. I know it will be fine. But just like thinking on the past and maybes and what ifs and shouldn't haves doesn't help the will bes are pretty fucking cold comfort.

Updates

Fri, 31 Jul 2009 16:51:23 GMT

I have been writing a lot in my paper journal on my back and forth from here to Boston. I''ll probably back date and add those entries in later for my own records. I think there will be a lot of time spent journal writing that way this summer. It makes me super glad I got a small cute owl journal earlier this year.

Today is pretty much the day I'll have off for a little while. Not complaining about it at the moment, just saying.

I'm still really into the work I'm doing at the fund, which is good because it's only been three days and it would be terrible if I suddenly stopped liking it. I find that I'm surprisingly a tiny bit embarassed to explain or talk about what I do to other people. Which is odd because I've never felt that way about working for fast food or working as a secretary. Maybe it's the way people rush to tell me I'm doing a good thing and have a strong moral compass and so on. It's like they are justifying the work for me or something. I don't like the feeling that people are making excuses for why I do what I do.

And I'm not doing something embarassing. I'm a grassroots activist with strong focuses in bringing information to the public, getting support and bringing momentum to campaign against big buisness lobbists. You do that one person at a time door to door or on the streets. Then you follow up with publishing as much as you can in any newpaper, magazine, or other work that will have you. You petition and send letters to congressmen and reps. None of this is embarassing stuff. It's empowering and interesting and potentially hope laden. I'm confused by my own reactions when explaining the job really.

Met this kid Todd the other day who goes to MCLA. Got a million little bits of gossip from him and I was loving it. We had a ball and I'm sorry that I won't be seeing him again. Makes me think this job is really going to give me more of a chance to reach out and make some more friends or friendly aquantences. The ones I have are great but I need a few more really. And I know I'm done with college and need to move out of that mind set into something else, but I dunno, as long as I'm not trolling college activities and classes looking for friends, it's probably ok for me to float for a little while.

I also noticed that if a gay guy tosses around the word whore all the time it doesn't bother me. Maybe because he never really meant it as any one thing, just something to say inbetween like cool or awesome would be for most. Maybe it's my own persceptions of who can or can't call someone a whore. I don't know, it's got me thinking. Because I know people have used that word causually in convo and it's pissed me off, so I'm trying to figure out why now, while I've recently been hyper sensitive about language and its usuage, hearing whore bantered around made me laugh and shrug most of the time. Is it a preconcieved notion I need to address with me or is it really a case of context and usage?

The veneer of the Fund has been tarnished for me and I'm relieved. I learned that it's all about the money and being liked as far as staying goes. They do actually throw away some of the petitions when they become unwieldy instead of saving them all. They keep people they don't like or trust or whom don't follow protocal if they make money and if you don't make money and are liked you can stay forever. It makes me less nervous to know who I'm playing ball for and to know it's all the status quo. I think it might be enough for me that the money and effort is going to the cause and that there's a middle ground between horribly earnest and intense people and people who don't care at all. It's more human.

And I'm off to Jason Maraz soon so I'm happy all around. Will tell more about the Mohegan Sun and all else afterward, but I'm stoked. ^_^

I'm a bit scattered

Wed, 29 Jul 2009 02:11:47 GMT

So I like my job at the Fund. I'm still working out kinks to it, but I like it a lot. I like the women I've met there and some of the men. I suppose my general wariness is something I have to deal with better, on the other hand, it would settle my nerves a lot if they didn't loom in my personal space and openly admit that they are doing/ are on drugs right this minute. In fairness, I know stories of drinking, blacking out, drunk driving almost deaths, stories about the chase for the weed and so on generally amuse my peer group of 19-28, they make me feel threatened and generally turned off to a person when they tell it as a funny or a one up. I don't know what I didn't get about drinking in my college days, maybe it was that we never drove or we didn't leave people behind or I was never involved in dicey drug scenes, but it seemed more fun and less ominous than it does now. Maybe it was always the same and my point of view has just gone through a drastic overhaul.

Anyhow, I have met a ton of cool people too. They are sooo earnest and care so much about our country and where we are going and what we are doing. They still really believe that we can change things and make a difference. They still believe unequvicably that not only can we win but that they'll be there to see it. It's really nice. I think I could use more of that. I mean I get being realistic and that has it's own comfort, but it's nice to be excited and energetic and hopeful. I might just ride that for a little and see where it takes me. I mean this presidency has my hopes so high, they are going to be shattered, I might as well know I ran flat out to the bottom right?

And there I go again showing that I'm not sure I can hope, believe, or have faith without reservation. I think we have great opportunities. I think we should strive for the best we can in so many fields and interests, but I don't generally expect a lot. Dunno maybe that's the problem, people give you what in your heart you expect. Maybe I don't trust or try or fight enough. It will be interesting to jump in head first and try to keep that sense of "realism" out and only go day to day door to door thinking everyone cares about the issues and everyone has and wants to give me a thousand dollars to help the cause.

It's funny how optimistic I can be about the job, people, and work and how I can still be so terrified for my job, future, and general well being. I haven't felt this combination of joy and terror ever I don't think. It's like the feeling as you go up the first big roller coaster hill combined with the feeling you have right at the end of the ride. I didn't even know you could have space for both of them at once.

Another great thing about the Fund is that it focuses me. Today and tommorrow and probably the next couple weeks, I have my sights set on recycling. I'm keeping up with other stuff, but my really driver is recycling at the moment. Sure I can keep writing to my reps on other issues and talking about them when it strikes my fancy, but the fund gives me a solid goal and solid ways to reach it in one issue. It keeps me moving instead of spreading my time over so many interests and thoughts and desires that it becomes to much and I've accomplished nothing.

Beyond that, I'm happy to be leaving the Cosi. My general manager was fired and having corporate in is a bear. Stan is a fine enough person but miserable as a boss. Little bits of nothing set him off and then he's in your face screaming at you or the person next to you forever with the customers there wasting time, making things awkard, and basically making everyone tense and itchy.

Other days he's in the mood to joke around where he slacks off, doesn't follow protocal and otherwise creates more work we can't do until after he leaves (he goes ape shit if you touch anything he's done even if it's to add freshness dates). And when he's gone he's got a certain group all jazzed up with talk about boozing it adventures, chasing women, and starting fights. Then I have to deal with endless Dodgeball and Anchor Man quotes that are lude, gross, and offensive but for some reason were funny when Will Farrel said them and are of course still hilarious when randomly repeated out of context. I'm supposed to smile and think of how witty these jerk offs are because they remember lines from these movies. I'm apparently supposed to automatically remember the lines too and know that they are jokes and therefor not be offended or in anyway displeased. So happy my days of smiling and dealing are numbered (at least of smiling and dealing with those guys anyhow).

Oh and I have Jason Maraz tickets for this Fri and am off to see it with my mom. Over all my week is shaping up wonderfully.

Obama is the Man

Tue, 21 Jul 2009 10:15:45 GMT

Mr.President,

I know you were not thinking of me in specific when you created and pushed through the stimulus package, but I still would like to thank you and congress for it. In a time where I see media judging it's value to make jobs and help the economy or even truly fund change, I'd like you to know it has indeed created a few job opportunities for me in fields I'm thrilled to be in.

I know my job and the jobs available to many other young people (and older people though the push is for grads and students) existed before the stimulus, and here in MA I'm fairly confident that a lot of the funding will be raised or maintained to keep these jobs after the stimulus. However the sheer number currently offered to jump start college grads as well as to offer lasting careers in the advocacy field is all on you.

The money from that package in MA is being split up into a series of green bills. While our reps vote out exactly where and how that creates a huge boon in advocacy groups to moblize and lobby for green energy, increased recycling, bills to reduce non reusable packaging and so on.

Beyond the money though, your rhetoric and stances on these issues bring us hope that if we just canvas a bit more and push a little harder. Green energy for everyone is in sight. My new job and hundreds of others like it is delicious, but the sense of hope and urgency I can see filling advocacy offices and campaigns is even sweeter.

For the jobs and the money and the hope of a more viable future Mr. Pres, I thank you.

So Thrilled

Mon, 20 Jul 2009 15:23:23 GMT

I have three interviews to do campaigning work with differing public groups all in the same building. I'm sorta stoked. It seems the positions need to be filled imediately to maybe I'll be on my way to job goodness. More updates post interviews. Wish me luck ^.^

Music Post Y'All

Mon, 20 Jul 2009 01:34:57 GMT

So I've been wanting to do a list or female artists that rock. It will be composed of singers, bands, and on occasion when only select song are appropriate just those songs. It isn't a feminist list persay-indeed I can think of a few songs that are not feminist friendly but still have a pleasant beat and therefor make the list. On the other hand I feel generally compelled to do a girls singer list because I constantly hear at work and in general that there aren't any or many good female singers or songs and that just isn't true. There are tons and tons of women with amazing voices and killer lyrics. There are women rocking out in all aspects of music and while I'm not the end all be all of music, even I can name fourty off the top of my head.

Alanis Morissette- I know people dismiss her as a "chick song" singer and that's just not true. While Alanis covers a plethora of traditional "women's experiences" her songs really can and do speak to anyone who's been down on their luck, treated like an other, or just wants a moment to rejoice in a triumph on an up hill battle.
The Cranberries- Hands down one of my favorite all time bands. The range of subjects they cover in their songs, the amazing different things they do with their voices and with beat in general. You wanna talk talent and quality, I'm saying Cranberries.
Frou Frou- I've always loved her album "Details". Her music is peaceful and beautiful and deep and well blended.
Loreena McKennitt- favorite album is "The Book of Secrets" favorite song is the "Mummer's Dance". Her process and her creations are so very pretty. She's got a great voice.
Dido- Admittedly I got into her through Roswell and I'll admit that none of the work she's done since the album "No Angel" hasn't been, in my opinion, as good. Of course, I'll also openly admit that I think some of her best work never made it big anyhow. "Isabelle", "hunter", and "No angel" were always better than "Won't Stay", "Thank You", and "White Flag".
Dar Williams- She's a folk singer and kind of an off the chart lady with a huge following. Her work is smart and funny and touching. Pretty much what you'd want, and she's getting better with age her new album "Promised Land" is more intense and meaningful in some ways for me than other work she's done. Though "Cool As I Am" will always be my favorite
Madonna- So many people I know seem to hate her and while I'm not in concert with her personal life and affairs, I can't see what's not to like in her music. She's got something for everyone, though I like a lot of her latter techno forays better than some of her early songs.
"Rehab" by Amy Winehouse- It's all I've heard from her, but I like it. It's catchy and just a fun time song.
Lady Gaga- While I don't agree with the messaging I like the repeative beats and stylings of "Poker Face" and "Love Game". Meh, it's a fun sound.
Katie Perry- I really really tried not to like her. Seriously I know she perpetuates hetreonormality and problematic stereo types for lesbians and bisexual people and I still like the sound of "I kissed a Girl". While I find the line "you change your mind like a girl changes clothes" annoying on a host of levels, I still like the overall sound of "Hot and Cold". I know that "Waking up In Vegas" should grind my last nerve, but I can't help but smile when it plays. She's a guilty pleasure.
Brittney Spears- "Womanizer" is catchy and it's fun to say even if the lyrics have limited substance.
Andrea Bocelli- EDIT Agent_Alpo has just corrected my gender fumble here. Andrea Bocelli is a male tenor singer. My apologies, I should look these things up first. He still has an amazing voice though. My bad.
Kelly Clarkson-The only idol contestant-expect possibly Adam Lambert eventually, who has a career worth talking about. I don't like her new song that's out, but that's probably a first for me when it comes to her songs.
Pink- she's my go to fun time girl singer
Tori Amos- Little Earthquakes eclispes all of her other works as far as I'm concerned, but all of it is beautiful.
Ani Defranco- I couldn't make a list that didn't have her on it
Kittie- because anyone who can scream can do heavy metal well.
Bjork- Who doesn't like "Violently Happy"?
Black Eyed Peas but not Fergie on her own- I like "Don't Phunk with my Heart" but I don't like "London Bridges" or "Fegilious"
TLC- I grew up listening to "Unpretty" "No Scrub" and "My Life" they make the list.
Enya- Needs no explination
Evanescence- Sexy voice and a sexy body, the only problem is her songs are over played till you can't stand them any more
"Sweet Dreams" by the Eurythmics
"I'm So Sick" by Flyleaf- Rockband made you super famous, but you've always been good.
"Maps" by Yeahs Yeahs Yeahs- I have no idea if this song is about anything but it's repeative fun
"Before he Cheats" by Kerry Underwood- my bro and I still do kareoke to this one ^.^
Gwen Stephanie- because "hollar Back Girl" and "Rich Girl" are linked to a good time in my life they make the list
The Bangles- They're just fun
Indigo Girls- no need to explain here
"Breathe (2am) by Anna Nalick- because this is the song of my life and the voice is heart breaking pretty.
Jewel- True I liked her better when she was in hippie gear, but she's still nice to listen to.
Reba- perhaps the only country I enjoy listening to while I was in WY
Jennifer Lopez- I like "Play" and I'm sure there are others I can't think of off the top of my head.
LeAnn Rimes- because Coyote Ugly soundtrack=good times in my mind
Michelle Branch- I love "Goodbye to You" and "Ordinary Day" and "Love me Like that"
Natalie Imbruglia- I love "Torn" it's probably one of the first hair raising peices I picked up and realized was going to be with me forever in one form or another.
Nelly Furtado- She's fun and not afraid to do something different
Regina Spektor- I like "Fidelity" and "Lost my Phone"
Rihanna- I like "Disturbia" and Shup up and Drive"
"Kiss with a Fist" by Florence and the Machine- I'd probably enjoy other songs of there's but this is what I know

Not a big Fan of HP6

Sat, 18 Jul 2009 14:28:57 GMT

For those of you who haven't seen the movie, I wouldn't bother. This movie's fail is comprable to that of HP4. I can now safely announce that HP5 was a fluke of beautiful melding of good parts of book with beautiful visuals granted to film. Beyond that, I won't say too much because while I love spoilers, most people don't.

Went to six flags this week with bro and bro's friend. While an awesome time was had by all, the Bizzaro coaster is down and based off of what I've seen of it (people being rescued from he top slope, fire shooting out inconsistantly and what not) I wouldn't suggest anyone ride it until the thing has a total over haul. Maybe they should have spent the off season replacing whatever bits are making it old instead of repainting the superman track purple. Whatever floats your boat though.

Occurs to me that bro's friend may be making friends with me or flirting or a bit of both. Currently uncertain of how to take that, but since right now it just involves ddr playing and listening to random comp and car talk while playing munchkins, I'm not going to worry or over think it. Just gonna hang out when I feel like it and not when I don't. If it creates problems later, I can always just not be around when the bro and he decide to chill out.

That's pretty much all of my exicting news and not exicting news. I'm pumped over our possible to probable supreme court justice and beyond that, I've no more announcements. Woot

Find Hate in Unexpected Places

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 03:04:34 GMT

Yesterday my car was getting an oil change, so after work I was sitting with another coworker while we waited for our rides.   So we were talking, as people do when I mentioned my ex-boyfriend in passing and he said "oh well that answers some questions".

Now, there are a couple obvious questions that this statement "answers" on the surface.   Maybe he was wondering if I was dating someone or maybe he was wondering if I was gay or straight or maybe he was wondering why someone with a college degree was working at the Cosi and my sudden move cleared that up. Whatever it was I was just going to smile and let it go, but he continued.

"With that hair cut I couldn't help but wonder if you were one of those hairy armed dykes."

And I was just so startled. It seems stupid, but the first thing I thought was that I have blond hair on my arms and we wear short sleeves so wouldn't he have noticed if I was hairy? And then my next thought was maybe this was one of those assholes where any hair on your arms makes you hairy.

By the time I got to the implication that short hair makes you gay and he was using a slur and perhaps all lesbians in his mind are hairy and butch because they won't date him, my ride had shown up and I'd left.

I was both lucky and unlucky that my ride showed so quickly after the comment because part of me wishes I'd been more with it and confronted him about his language and use of stereo type and the the other part of me is just grateful. I was just so thrown by that one statement, you know. There was so much loaded implication about how I look and am viewed even when in a uniform and in a work zone where sexuality isn't expressed and then so much implication about lesbians and what it means to be one and what kind of person he is in general.

I mean this guy is 5'1" hairy and overweight what the fuck is he doing judging others on their looks? Seriously, do men some men feel so above general look requirements that they can decide based on looks whether a woman is one of those lesbians and state them casually to coworkers?

I don't know, every since I can remember people have felt entitled to comment positively or negatively on my looks, men more so than women and it's always bugged me. Until recently though, while some women have asked me out as men sometimes ask me out, no one in my peer group has ever assumed or wondered about my sexual identity based on my looks. Maybe that's just because I've always showed signs, like boyfriends, that I identified as "straight". Maybe no one has ever had the guts to say stupid shit like that to my face. I don't know, it bothered me on so many levels that he would say it more than anything else.

I know I'm being a little overly sensitive. People make asshole assumptions based off of looks all the time, I do that a lot too. I wonder when men and women come in as same sex couples with children whether they're sisters, friends, life partners, and so on. Sometimes I try to guess what based on body language and interactions and probably looks to some degree.

I don't know. I didn't like that he said it, I didn't like that I didn't confront him about it and confronting him about it later would be weird and I didn't like when I relayed the story how my mother and sister roled their eyes and called me a hyper sensitive feminist. This most definetely qualifies as a bitch post.

Getting on with Life and all that Goodness

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 16:12:08 GMT

Been working for about five weeks on my feet and its long enough for me to conclude a few things. My foot is definitely broken or fractured severely enough that there's this sickening shift that happens sometimes when I'm on my feet for a while and walk the wrong way. Keeping the weight off my foot by shifting to the other isn't an option as it makes that leg's knee hurt.   I really really need the insurance and enough money to get that looked at.

On the plus side of work, I really like my co-workers and they've really made that job as good as a food service job gets. I get free delicious bread extras, I get to make fun coffees and fruity drinks, and my thick skin towards terribly behaved children is returning. In WY kids had way higher standards for behavoir and there was a short time where I was one of those people who thought there should be a law demanding a certain base standard of behavoir for children. What can I say, we're all allowed to fall of the wagon once in a while.

I got my tax returns back so while I'm not poor, I'm not rolling in the cash either. I ate KFC yesterday and it was super disappointing. I think I've had too much fast food and indulged my whims on that front a bit much.

In other job related news I turned down a sales position and am in the second set of interviews for the environmental advocate position. That job the more I hear about it, the more I think it would be a dream job for me. I'm sooooo exicted and nervous for the interview. I really want things to go well.

In other not love related news, I miss the hell out of WY and will do almost anything to get myself back to Cheyenne, Denver, or Arizona...though the politics in some of those places are scarey, the people are really friendly and welcoming and the view is unbeatable. I miss the sense of space. I miss the hell out of the sun. I actually miss driving fifty miles to whole foods and relaxing because I'm with my people and they are all friendly and kind and welcoming. I don't know MA people think the same way I do but a lot of them are really cold and aloof and apathetic. I'm getting really tired of people either ignoring me when I jump into a public conversation or giving me death stare. If you don't want others to listen then don't speak in public damn it. I'm totally willing to brave the tornado warnings for the rest of the quality.

Saw K-dog last week and it was good. It's always nice to catch up with people and what not. Also, I think it's best if I keep busy. My dreams have been restless and I'm a bit restless myself. I feel like I should be doing a million different things and can't quite seem to keep hold on any one of those things.

Like I'm learn html but the process is slow and fast and slow again.   I'm writing but it's here and there and very patchy. I'm applying and interviewing and then I'm not. I'm social and then I'm a recluse again. I've got no work hours and then I pick up a ton extra. I'm tired and then I'm full of life. I have a million things to say to a couple of people but when the time comes to say them or even just to write it out, I'm silent. I dunno, it's like I can't hold anything constant even for a few days. It's weird, and somehow probably on par per usual.

Zac's sister made it to the finals of American Idol Arkansas talent hunt, still seeing if she'll make the show. She and her hubby might be splitting soon as apparently he decided to take a nap instead of feed there couple month old baby. I don't know, she's always a lot of drama and sometimes she makes things up. Of course if the previous alligation has any truth, an immediate separation is probably best.

Zac's other sister has been in a bad car accident at which she was at fault for and messed up her knee, though she and everyone else should recover. Now she does very little talking, won't drive, and has problems being in a car or leaving her parents house. It's a shame beyond the wrecked car and the injuries because she just started a new job and I'm not sure how she can do that and deal with this. I feel for here and her family.

Zac himself is looking for a second job with no hope of ever finding one. He needs jaw surgery, and his hours at work have been cut back again to barely full time. Things looks desperate for him, and I feel bad for him. At the same time some little part of me is so beyond relieved that I'm not involved. I just couldn' handle all of this, plus looking for my own job and whatnot. It's too much for me and I don't know how he deals at all except to think that maybe he doesn't deal with it. I dunno, but I keep him and his family in my thoughts and prayers.

Wed, 06 May 2009 19:16:08 GMT

It's been a while. So since I've last written, I was fired, collecting unemployment, and then getting desperate for work. Since then I've moved back to MA and apparently broken it off with my significant other, which makes me evil, even though I wasn't the one who gave up. I gave up on finding a job in Wyoming sure, but I very much would have like to bring him back with me to MA.

I'm sure I'll be crushed later. Right now I'm just pissed off that he wouldn't even consider coming out this way in a few months if I found something that was good for me out this way. Since I went out to where he could "go to school", not that he is going to school or planning to go within the next few years.   I don't know someone who will commit so little of themselves after two years and after I've shown the most commitment I know how to show to their goals and dreams, just makes me angry. Guess I feel cheated and bitter. Like I was never important to him or not important enough to be considered when I wasn't convient. Guess his unconditional love was more conditional than my specifically stated conditional love.

Anyhow, I'm back in the Mass area. I have an interview with the temp agency tommorrow at 9:30. I've cleaned up my resume, or my daddy helped me do so anyhow. I've applied to ten or so paces. What can I say, monster is a miserable engine but I'm doing my best with it.

Since I've been home I've had two interesting dreams.

In the first, I was in Wyoming and looking for something. I don't know what, it was never really the same. I spent a lot of time at stores being turned away and in the parking lot there were animals, like horses and chickens and bunnies and goats and whatnot. I stole some of them but I don't know what happened to them. I wanted to see Zac and at the same time I knew that I couldn't/wouldn't like what I came across. So then I went home and worked on pink eye shadow. I did one eye so well and then the other came out alright but uneven and I spent a long time looking for the stuff to redo the eye with.   When they both were ready to go I left to go clubbing only to remember I have no idea where clubs in cheyenne are (if the kind that I think would be fun exist at all in that state). So I'm driving around with my eye shadow done up wishing for a dance and my bf only to remember that for some reason he doesn't want to see me or I don't want to see him, it's confused.

When I woke up I wasn't befuddled. I knew where I was and why I was there. There were no dream cobwebs of Cheyenne or illusions that Zac and I were still dating. I don't know guess that makes a relationship really dead then, when you don't even forget momentarily.

Anyhow, I don't remeber so much in the second dream except that I was traveling a lot at first with Zac who wanted to break it off and then when he did I was traveling with Jeff. Before I know it, Jeff and I are kissing and Zac is back and wants to get back together but Jeff and I are already together. It was akward and I was glad to wake up.

Saw Kathleen yesterday and that was fun. Will see AJ later when I'm less relationship sensitive and now I have to go because my brother just came home and has apparently decided he's going to go to prom after all. Date and everything and the prom is Fri and we have to pull together a tux and convince our mom that he can/should go without too much fuss. Write more later.

Flist-ish meme from Brimac13!!

Wed, 04 Mar 2009 01:08:01 GMT

So I'm on your flist, WOOT! Anyhow behind the cut is some questions to get to know you better. Feel free to head on back and answer them for me in a comment if you so please.

1. Can you cook?
2. What was your dream growing up?
3. What talent do you wish you had?
4. Favorite place?
5. Favorite vegetable?
6. What was the last book you read?
7. What zodiac sign are you ?
8. Any Tattoos and/or Piercings?
9. Worst Habit?
10. Do we know each other outside of lj?
11. What is your favorite sport?
12. Negative or Optimistic attitude?
13. What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
14. Worst thing to ever happen to you?
15. Tell me one weird fact about you:
16. Do you have any pets?
17. Do you know how to do the macarena?
18. What time is it where you are now?
19. Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
20. If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
21. Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
22. What color eyes do you have?
23. Ever been arrested?
24. Bottle or Draft?
25. If you won $10,000 dollars today, what would you do with it?
26. What kind of bubble gum do you prefer to chew?
27. What 's your favorite bar to hang at?
28. Do you believe in ghosts?
29. Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
30. Do you swear a lot?
31. Biggest pet peeve?
32. In one word, how would you describe yourself?
33. Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?

Massive Post is Massive

Tue, 03 Mar 2009 01:36:23 GMT

A lot of update-iness going on. But I'm a good dooby and I'll use the ij cuts. Pick what parts interest you...if any at all do.

So right now I'm very anti-spore. I'm tired of creating and tired of commenting and over all tired of playing. I thought I was tired of the game before, but now it's like I NEED at several week break.

I'm still annoyed that for whatever reasons achievements regarding getting the level ten shaman and reaching the center of the universe are not showing up. I've earned a few achievements since that have shown, so I know for some reason just those two aren't logging.

It seems to me that to get comments one has to be a bit of a drama whore. I mean I do have some people who consistantly comment, but it seems to me either I have creative bursts where I make to much or I'm not making enought and either way I lack comments.     Or perhaps as someone suggested to me, my creations just aren't that good. Meh, I'll admit I'm not front page news, but I have good color and some good shapes and creatures.

I'm really really really sick of trends in spore. I don't want to see another young dna creature, aquatic creature, or flower creature possibly ever again and that even includes my own works. I also don't think I want to see anything anime, video game, or otherwise related on spore.

Getting sporecasts to take off is terribly hard. I know some of my sporecasts are of unpopular things (like tea or quilting). But I have a Roman and Eygpt themed sporecast that kick ass. I mean the Rome theme has EVERYTHING in the entire sporeipedia that is nice looking that has any Roman/Greek flavor to it.    And the Eygpt sporecast can boast the same. Plus I've advertised those casts often in the forums, because they are two nice, should be popular casts. Who can say that they've never just wanted some classy nice buildings for a planet or some creatures that are all themed similarly?   I mean hello, that's the whole point of a sporecast, to be able to search for items all of the same nature in one area.

And the game play is very flat. I'm just very tired of it. I think if there wasn't something wrong with my main game, and I was still earning acheivements, this would be a whole different post. I think I'd but up there organizing and slating planets to be x thing or y thing. I'd probably be all over making new sporecasts filled with goodies I'm going to want for galatic. As it stands now, I'm not sure I want to buy the expansion.

It's possible spore has turned me off all forms of gaming right now. I mean we bought a cube this weekend and we got some games I love (smash bros and pikmin and we're looking into a few Zelda games) and I'm soooooo not into it. I played pikmin for a bit all exicted and what not, but then after maybe 40min I was done. I have no desire to play again anytime soon.

The mate wants to get a wii, and I like the wii and a host of wii games, but I just can't seem to get any interest in playing any of those games even if we had them. I don't know, now that I have a little more energy and can think a bit longer at night, playing video games of any sort seem to be a waste of my time. I know it sounds a bit snobbish. Especially since my idea of doing something includes writing in insanejournal, reading fanfic, and thinking about stuff. It's really not that much higher than playing video games. Execpt that I've been having so much trouble doing any of that recently after work it feels huge.

So yeah really really not in a video game mood and it's a shame because some games I was waiting for have recently rolled out onto DS. Pokemon platinuim is of course among them.

So I witnessed my first head on car crash this past Fri. Everyone was not ok.   I'm still trying to piece out what happened. I was driving, slowing down for the red light a head, traffic started flowing and right in front of me two cars just ran head into eachother. Didn't seem like anyone was turning or anything just bam. No idea why or how. Bumpers and unidentified car parts everywhere. The Guy's jeep was so wrecked he had to escape out the top. He was bleeding and he needed two guys to help him. The other guy was wandering around in the middle of the road, dazed or stoned or I don't know.   I had my first aid kit on me and did what I could till the ambulance got there. I don't think the guy in the jeep should have gotten out of the car, I'm pretty sure he had some kind of concussion, but then it looks like his car might have been leaking gas and here in WY people are such assholes they will drive through an accident like that too. Not something I'd do, but hey, I'm a decent sane human being.

Also I'm wondering if anyone knows whether used strep tests, RSV tests and flu tests are considered bio-hazards?   I had to look through shred the other day for some information, which to my knowledge should have been filled up with only patient info, when a nurse comes in and tells me that no, they also throw out used tests in shred because they have patient info on them and I should really wear gloves. Besides the ick factor, the exposure both myself and a colleuge endured, and the exposure the guys who move the shred eventually get, isn't anything with spit or snot on it a bio-hazard---especially if the test is positive?   Dunno, I just don't think that's how we're supposed to be legally disposing those tests.

I wish my life were more insteresting and I had more to share with you, but it's not.   I mean it seems that the chemicals in the cleaning and sanatizing solutions at work were making me sick and my organic substitutes seem to prevent that.   It also seems like I had either a vitamin B12 or/and iron deficienty and after about a week and a half on vitamins I feel much better.

I'm in a poetic mood, but I don't know what if anything that will produce. I had some great descriptive lines bouncing in my head on the way from here to fort collins, but I lost them before I could write them. They'll probably come back at another time I can't write them. I'm also in a fanfic mood and maybe a mood to go and look at my briar story.   Not 100% on that.

I have some pics of Wyoming and Colorado, but it's been snowing on the weekends and in the 50-70s on the week days so I haven't got as much as I want or exactly what I want.

I asked the mate if he thought I could be a doctor and his first answer was no, which is kind of funny. I can see where he gets that idea though. I don't like gore or thinking about gore.   I really am good with it when it's actually in front of me (couldn't even be a receptionist at a Children's Clinic here if that wasn't true), but he's never seen that. In the end, the mate relented and said if I really wanted to I probably could be. Of course, that's the rub. Do I really want to? I was into the idea two days ago and now I'm into a completely new and different idea. Anyhow, probably no summer classes if I can't narrow it down any. There's so mucht to do and so little time.

I feel very calm. I'm sure that will be short lived though. Anyhow, I know there was more I planed to write about, but this is what I can think of. I'll write the rest as it comes...if it comes.