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Dec. 29th, 2009

So On to the Real World

Dec. 14th, 2009

About to Emotionally Bleed Out Across Insane Journal

May. 6th, 2009

It's been a while.  So since I've last written, I was fired, collecting unemployment, and then getting desperate for work.  Since then I've moved back to MA and apparently broken it off with my significant other, which makes me evil, even though I wasn't the one who gave up.  I gave up on finding a job in Wyoming sure, but I very much would have like to bring him back with me to MA. 

I'm sure I'll be crushed later.  Right now I'm just pissed off that he wouldn't even consider coming out this way in a few months if I found something that was good for me out this way.  Since I went out to where he could "go to school", not that he is going to school or planning to go within the next few years.   I don't know someone who will commit so little of themselves after two years and after I've shown the most commitment I know how to show to their goals and dreams, just makes me angry.  Guess  I feel cheated and bitter.  Like I was never important to him or not important enough to be considered when I wasn't convient.  Guess his unconditional love was more conditional than my specifically stated conditional love.  

Anyhow, I'm back in the Mass area.  I have an interview with the temp agency tommorrow at 9:30.  I've cleaned up my resume, or my daddy helped me do so anyhow.  I've applied to ten or so paces.  What can I say, monster is a miserable engine but I'm doing my best with it.  

Since I've been home I've had two interesting dreams. 

In the first, I was in Wyoming and looking for something.  I don't know what, it was never really the same.  I spent a lot of time at stores being turned away and in the parking lot there were animals, like horses and chickens and bunnies and goats and whatnot.  I stole some of them but I don't know what happened to them.  I wanted to see Zac and at the same time I knew that I couldn't/wouldn't like what I came across.  So then I went home and worked on pink eye shadow.  I did one eye so well and then the other came out alright but uneven and I spent a long time looking for the stuff to redo the eye with.   When they both were ready to go I left to go clubbing only to remember I have no idea where clubs in cheyenne are (if the kind that I think would be fun exist at all in that state).  So I'm driving around with my eye shadow done up wishing for a dance and my bf only to remember that for some reason he doesn't want to see me or I don't want to see him, it's confused.

When I woke up I wasn't befuddled.  I knew where I was and why I was there.  There were no dream cobwebs of Cheyenne or illusions that Zac and I were still dating.  I don't know guess that makes a relationship really dead then, when you don't even forget momentarily. 

Anyhow, I don't remeber so much in the second dream except that I was traveling a lot at first with Zac who wanted to break it off and then when he did I was traveling with Jeff.  Before I know it, Jeff and I are kissing and Zac is back and wants to get back together but Jeff and I are already together.  It was akward and I was glad to wake up.  

Saw Kathleen yesterday and that was fun.  Will see AJ later when I'm less relationship sensitive and now I have to go because my brother just came home and has apparently decided he's going to go to prom after all.  Date and everything and the prom is Fri and we have to pull together a tux and convince our mom that he can/should go without too much fuss.  Write more later.
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Jul. 19th, 2008

My Week, Let Me Show You

Yeah so Coldplay isn't exactly giving me a glowing example of my taste.  You know though, I really am a bit addicted to "Violet Hill", I'm thinking it's going to be the bf's and my song....not the most hearting true, but not the least either.  I mean the whole snow theme really goes with North Adams and what place is ours more than that?  Alright the rest of it is a bit....

Well there is always trouble for me isn't there.  No point in holding it back.  He called me and the whole graphics art thing fell through.  Everything over there is falling apart for him.  No surprise.  And I'll admit when he called me on Tuesday to explain this to me I was pissed.  Beyond pissed, beside myself might be a better choice, because I want the get the fuck out of here and because if he can't pull his finances together, I can't continue to date him because I can't marry him and we're at a point where if I'm not ready to move towards that, then I'm to connected to stick.  He owes too much money not to have a plan and I'm far too nervous a person to fly blind.  

I guess it pissed me off because there have been so many ways he could have avoided this.  At every chance he got to make a choice he made the absolute worst one there was to make, and I know a thing or two about bad choices.  Man this kid kicks my ass at fucking up. 

But it isn't my life, and he's pulled himself out of things tight spots before.  Not all is lost.  I'm just letting it go however until September and then if he hasn't pulled it together than it's over.  I'll be telling him just that tonight.  I don't want him to talk to me about his jobs or his plans at all until then because it just upsets me.  If he actually wants my advice, we could talk about it, but if he just is going to tell me x, y, and z then no, he can just save it.   I'll hear it all in September.  

It's all good though.  Tuesday I watched a ton of Daira to calm down.  You know I could find it on youtube then and on Friday when I went to show Kyle, it was all gone.   Interesting that. 

Not to mention, I'm not an eggs in one basket kind of lady.  I've got many baskets and many many eggs.  So the boyfriend thing is no good, whatever, when has that last worked out?  

I'm thinking about going for my divinity license.  My mom wants to quit her job at the church and she thinks I'd be a good replacement.  I know, I know, a pagan running CCD is odd, but I think it might be a good idea.  I don't have problem with teaching any religious doctrine as long as I can specify that this is what group X believes.  I like the age group (bratty pre-teens and young teens are actually right up my ally cause they are just beginning to become aware of themselves and I have a lot of respect for what it does or doesn't take people to become self aware) and really it's more about giving the kids all the info they need to make an informed decision about commiting to the church.  Teaching them the doctrine, is a way to do that.  Also the church needs a youth minister and if I take those kind of jobs, I'll get to help create programs I think the young folk might actually like to do and what not, but I'll get to go to BC for a divinity degree at a 75% discount.  Plus I can keep my other job. 

Anyhow, at the least I'm going to start teaching and understudying, if it works out, then yay.  If I hate it, it won't be a huge surprise either. 

My yoga is really improving.  I'm noticably stronger and more fexible and I haven't even beeing that faithful in my practice, but well, you know how life goes.  You do the best you can.  Since I'm going to be around here for a bit (probably, never can be 100%), I might consider taking a week or two off in Jan if all goes well to get a yoga teacher certification.  Too early to tell, but if progress is steady, I might be very sucessful at that. 

I didn't like college.  I think getting that degree was a waste of time and money, but the degree is providing a base job to help fund some of my little excesses.  Maybe the point of college for me was getting a degree that will earn me seed money for the real career.  I still feel like I'd be farther along if had made other choices, but no one is  happy right after college anyway.  At least I didn't jump right into grad school to buy me time from the real world (not that everyone who goes to grad school is doing than and not that I could get into grad school with my gpa if I had wanted to, but still). 

I did do some writing on Sunday and that was good.  My little detective story is beginning to pick up.  I sort of know where I want to go with that, so that's exicting.  It's odd for me because I'm working with mostly male characters and that's newish for me.  It's not like I shy away from male characters, but the last time I made a man the lead of a story was in 9th grade, and that novel was beyond convoluted.  It isn't even worth salvaging..though goodness knows I tried often because there are aspects.  If the thing was cliche, over done and rehashed to hell, there are a few scenes that are really worthwhile.  Of course I was going through my whole soul mates, one true love, black and white, fate, lord of the rings-you get the idea- phase. 

Wow, I've spent a lot of time this week rehashing older projects.  

Anyhow, the detective thing is cute.  Funny and light, which is exactly what I feel up to writing right now.  I'm in a rambly random mood, you know?  No need to try to write the great American novel, especially if I don't think it's ever going to be publishable.  Publishing isn't something I'm so much pursuing anymore.  I like writing and I'd like it if someone read some of the stuff, but I'm not even really sure books and magazines are the way to go with that anymore, you know?  I've started reading books and magazines again, and most everything I read is still from online.  I read tons of fanfiction and from authors who show something that really was amazing, I read their original work, when they have it.  That's really my big fiction reading push and that's all I feel moved to read. 

This whole Twilight series has me a little bummed though too.  I mean those books sound like utter tripe.  Don't get me wrong, I ate up that tripe when I was of a certain age  ::cough 14-18 cough:: and those books have a place.  It doesn't mean I can't think the books are a little gross.  I mean a girl who's got a vampire admirer who thinks they are soul mates and it too afraid he'll hurt her if he has sex with her?  What the hell?  All my soul mate series books involved sex, that was kind of half the fucking (pun, hehe) idea.

An the whole, "I'm a dude so when I'm in the zone I have no control" so not cute.  Also the whole "must protect womenz from everyone, including my own ill intentions....even if she wants such intentions"  not exactly a picture I want to color in for young teens. 

Might I add that a vampire who has lived thousands of years and never had any kind of love affair sexual or not until he meets this girl is either a liar or the most boring vampire on the face of the earth.  What kind of Johny no imagination thought this up?

Why am I ranting about a book series I haven't read that I'm not going to read that is very similar to most teen books of suck, well cause my sister actually asked me if I wanted to read them!  I didn't say any of this to her because you know it was sort of sweet that she tried to think of me at all, but does she have no taste, does she really think what I read and am into is comprable to this bullshit.  What am I saying, of course she does.  It's alright though, I've got to remember these suggestions come from a girl who read Prep and felt uncomfortable because there were too many similarities between herself and the bad characters in the book.

What bitter, maybe a little, yeah.  But I love writing and I love reading and it's ok if that's all that ever is.  

Speaking of bitter, can I just say that my love for Barak isn't absolute or even close.  I've lost a lot of respect for him since he became the Democratic canidate.  He's no where near the asshat McCain is, but he still sucks a little.  I don't like him moving towards the center at all.  I don't care if its some shitty political tactic (one that alienates his stronghold and I have a lot of doubts that it woos any fence sitters), I don't like it and it either makes him a liar or someone with quite a few views I don't agree with. 

I'm still voting for him.  He's still got good policy on a lot of topics.  Even if he didn't my options are limited, though I already have my second pick all lined up if he fucks up to much.  What, I'm in Mass, not like McCain has a snowball's chance in hell here, I could vote of a car and it wouldn't effect the election and I won't vote for Barak just because he's a democrat.  His speaking skills have left a lot to be desired and his abortion stance ignores Doe (not to be confused with Roe).  

I guess I thought if I read more news and politics, I'd really like him is all.  I thought a lot of abstract things from what I  knew of his campaign that aren't true.  And no I'm not an expert or even well enough versed that I'd be comfortable debating much.  I'm just well enough versed to know there are a lot of inconsistences and a lot of things I don't like in the gaps with him.  I'm very uneasy I guess. 

It's just beginning to occur to me there are things worse than Bush and I think it's possible that McCain is in that catagory--I obviously don't feel that way about Barak, but I don't feel good about him either is all.

Visisted my friend this past week.  He's had an ugly break up and as sad as it is to say, this was probably really stabalizing for me in a lot of ways.  I mean I do feel terrible for him and I'll do whatever it takes to help him back on his feet,  but it doesn't change how this can be reassuring for me.  First off, I like being the spiritual and mental counselor and he always puts me in that position.  A lot of my exes do that for me.  I like to think it's because I'm good at it and this aspect of my personality was something that was highly important for them when we were together and still is valued while we're friends.  But it just could be that I'm quite good a throwing out the right words for the right people

It also helped me come to some conclusions about my relationship as I think best about my relationships when I make them secondary to something else.    And it reminds me why I'm interested in holistic healing and why I would find getting deeper into that so rewarding.  

Today I went to the flower show with my mom.  That was good.  I finally just up and told her everything about my career plans and my intentions with my boyfriend.  It might have gone well, I'll see in a few weeks. 
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Aug. 23rd, 2007

Woot the ever popular work update

Apparently if you check ij at one in the morning and expect something new to be up for lunch break, you are sadly mistaken.  Not that this a huge surprise to me, just that it leaves me with little to do during my precious half hour.   

So work update.  I think I've been moved to write some more about my life, but it will probably be later as a more private post.  

Until then talking with Kathleen last night was good.  She told me not to worry about that other incident because, well she could be talking to a lot of people.  As a result, I've privatized that entry for the moment.  It may pop back up and it may not.  We'll see.  

Kathleen and I also came to the conclusion that our dear friend is getting less well.  Which brings me to ask, does anyone know what to do if a friend is getting steadily less mentally stable than they were before?  He was on a lot of meds and stopped cold turkery.  He was moving away from a very rigid dogmatic Christian base to a more open one and has suddenlt sprung back worse than he was before.  He's always been a little obsessive but now its to the point where it is dibilitating him in some ways.  Neither my friend or I can help him with this and our presences seems to make it worse.  The only thing I can think of doing is retreating from him until whatever this is takes its course...which may be forever.  So any thoughts?  

I have a couple of story ideas I want to tinker with.  I think that I can finally return to writing Escape Artist (which I'll post a fourth chapter soon, maybe later today).  I also think I'm going to write another short or maybe two in the modern day short I wrote a week or so ago.  I have two or three scenes that seem particularly clear to me.  

And you know, I'm not going to think of a job or future, because I find it depresses me.  I don't like my options and even though I'm cool with working a job that doesn't make me warm and tingly (I know the extras that give me a happy vibe so I don't need the job to do it) its more a concern of the job and out of college thing isolating me completely from peers or community that I would enjoy...plus I think I might still live with my parents for at least a few months after college and I really really really don't want to do that.  I know the ij has some neat community but its not the same as face to face.  But alas, I'll either have to live or not think about it too much or both.  

I worry about the bf too.  But honestly, its far too early in the relationship to think about or talk about that.   

I'm also pretty consumed with the world wide thirty day peace prayer.  That's going to start Sept. 11th and I'm still trying to decide how I want to participate and whether I can organize others to do the same.  More thoughts on that after work though.  Now I don't have the time.

Jan. 28th, 2007

Arg, I was up to all hours of the night with an incident!  A resident had alcohol posioning and stopped breathing.  Obviously an ambulance was needed and then we had to search that resident's home for perscription medication to make sure he was only consuming booze.  I kind of hate booze at the moment.  I just can't imagine drinking so very much that I'd stop breathing.  I'd probably drown in my own vomit before I'd consume enough alcohol for that to happen, but goodness, I'm hopeful neither will happen to me.  

AJ called and we talked forever.  Apparently AJ is in love with me.  I hadn't realized that seeing him less than once a week, ignoring his calls, and generally insulting him resulted in one wanting to date another.  I feel bad because I can't return his feelings.  I know he's trying, but it just isn't going to work.  He'll move past it though we all do in our own time.  

So much homework and so little time.  Silly sleeping in until like 2 in the afternoon.  Oh well, I'm off to do more work.
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Oct. 8th, 2005

Totally
bored.  Urg, its raining and cold....why is is cold?  I mean
yes, the window is open, but hell, its shouldn't be this bad. 
Bored out of my fucking mind.  What the hell did I used to do to
take up time, oh wait I remember...homework, duh.  Maybe I should
do some of that some time.....Nah, damn it I should never be bored
there is lots of to do.



 I almost wish it wasn't raining just so that I could make myself
go running.  I hate running, but man it kills the time....mostly
cause I don't run, always starts with running for like maybe two feet
and then its walking lots of walking.  I can honestly say that
I've never gone running up here, I did a lot of walking last year, but
a lot of that wasn't for health reasons and just like "I'm so done with
the dorm rooms, get me the fuck out of here before I go comepletely
insane!!!", looks like I was late on the staying sane part but oh well,
it was most likely too late before then too.  



I am so bored that I could sleep and I've slept so damn much, its
unhealthy, icks.  Who would have thought the townhouse would be so
damn quiet?  When did silence start to drive me so crazy? 
Last year I loved being alone, soooooo much more independent last year
than I am this year, how did that happen?  I mean last year I used
to get annoyed at dorm set up sometimes because you would run into
fucking everyone and then you would have to stop and talk and what if I
just want to go to my room?  Isn't college supposed to make me
more independent?  Oh well, one of the many problems I'll have to
deal with sometime or another.  Probably later rather than sooner
cause its soooooooo damn weird I can't even begin to understand. I mean
I just don't get lonely, I don't miss people and all that good stuff,
never have before anyway.  Meh.



Watched "The Longest Yard"  it was pretty good, Kevin's got good
taste in movies for the most part ::shakes fist at "Underworld" 
(though in fairness I might have just disliked the company I saw it
with and not the actual film)::  Right now I'm listening to the
"Anit Kev-bo" cd, heh I love "Scarrs".



Last night we ate at Jae's food there is really good, but getting there
was tricky.  So much drama I almost didn't want to go by the time
we started our way there.  When to leave was an issue cause of the
Soxs game, which I have no problem with really, but there was
fiestiness.  Then the whole "who to bring" and "there's not enough
room in the car" issue came up.  Next is the whole AJ is super
sick randomly and he didn't really want to go, I don't think, which is
ok we should have not gone then whatever.  I was afraid that Joey
was pissed at us but she showed up later, so now I think things are
cool and I was just paranoid, always good.  I don't know why
everytime whe try to get together there is so much drama, it makes my
stomach hurt, but meh, I need to stop being a baby and get over
it. 



AJ really does piss me off, but he doesn't mean to, well actually he
does but fuck I just need to be nice to him BECAUSE.  Besides, I
get unreasonably angry at him, and I do say mean things to him
too.  That's really not fair either because I know exactly what to
say to tear him up.  From everyone else's view, I haven't said
anything at all, but he really is hurt.  That little bit of me
that is really mean and spiteful, the tiny part of me that wants to
drive him from the townhouse in tears...I really am a heartless bitch
sometimes. 



Le sigh I thinks this be a slightly emo entry for no reason yet agains,
but really skip the gross part of last night it was fun, isn't that how
any time spent with AJ is, forget the really bad part and the rest was
good.   I don't know if that is because the bad part is so
bad that everything else is great or if the good part is legitamately
good.  Either way part of it is fun, and my brain has a tendancy
to just "forget" negative things so everything is wonderous. 



After the AJ left, Kathleen and I talked for a while.  She should
get a boyfriend, at least I think it would be a great idea, and it
wasn't until we started talking that I saw what little confidence she
had in herself.  Everyone worth a second glance is "out of her
league".  Silly of her really she sells herself way too short, I
don't personally get it and I think her and Anthony should date. 
It would be an awesome couple, and before she says it NO, I SHOULD NOT
DATE ANTHONY BECAUSE HE MAKES ME NERVOUS.  God, no one should
share so many interests, I'm trying to tell him about all my geeky
qualities and getting him to lose interest in talking to me and ah, so
weird, its never backfired like that for me so many times in a
row.  Yes he is a cool guy and eerily into everything that most
men find unattractive  (maybe he's gay?), next time he tries to
talk to me, I'll bring up sports or something in the hope he doesn't
know about that.  



Oh and I need to stop grazing.  Like right now I have the
strongest urge to cook pasta, but no I am going to stand strong, I've
been up since 11:30 but I've already eaten Ramen and left over Jae's
and a granola bar, which would be fine if I did anything athletic, but
I don't and I've been drinking and that's calories too.  If I keep
it up it won't be "Jess I'm proud of you, besides a little belly you
didn't gain any weight at college!"  Its going to be something
like "You fat bitch, no more food for you," and I eat so much at home
that that's going to be hard to deal with.



I'm a little worried about my plants getting too cold by the window,
after all I am snugly wrapped in blankets and pillows and a sweatshirt
and I can feel the chill, they are right by the window and it must be
colder.  At least I would be cold, but they are plants maybe the
like it?  I thought could was bad for them, but most of them seem
to be doing alright.  I really need to get a plant light that
works.  One of them is dying, but I'm hopeful that since I've
moved it that it can make a full recovery.  I want them all to be
happy and good.  They make me happy after all.  I like havig
something to take careof and knowing that no mater what else I'm doing
something right cause all my little plants are alive and well.  ^_^



Meh though, I'm going to read some more on herbology and type it into
the lovely compy for now though.  Tal to you all later.  Good
times and later days ^_^

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Oct. 7th, 2005

appologizing for the emoness in advance, going to see what I can do to trim it down

"tear my heart open

Sew myself shut

My weakness is that I care to much

The scars remind me that that past is real

I tear my heart open just to feel"



I don't have the slightest clue why I feel empty inside.  I was
happy hours ago, and before that I was beyond thrilled, but as of right
now I don't really know.  Mood swings suck.



But let's move on to happy shizat ^_^  This week has been great
and I'm happy about all of that quality.  Fun times with the guys
and what not.  We went to a volly boll game, which was fun and
then we talk and had fun.  Eventually we started up a game of keep
away.  That was sort of my fault that the whole thing
started.  Mike was trying to intercept and I sort of took the ball
from him, and that's when the boys found out how competive I could
get.  I attacked them for a stupid little scoccer ball
hardcore.  Man, that got intense, even Kathleen got into it. 
She tried to beat Kevin up hardcore, I don't know if she was freaking
out cause she was backed in a corner or because he forced the ball out
of her hands and she was honestly fiesty but it was funny to
watch.  And it was great to push the boys areound and rip the ball
from their hands, even if the two of them could do circles around us
and they were really just taunting us while we were doing everything we
could meh.



Mike claims that I was clawing and biting, I was accidentally clawing
if anything, I mean my nails are long and its a natural reaction to use
that to my advantage.  As for the biting, while we were playing
keep away I didn't snap of threaten to bite anyone...until after the
game, at that point in time Kevin was still tauntung me and I did take
a fake snap at his hand to get him to stop, I wasn't anywhere near as
close to his hand as he seems to think, but meh.



Oh and I hit my head against the fridge and I have a little bump on my
head.  Kevin and Mike were worried that I was going to cry or be
really hurt or something, but meh, not a big deal at all.  Even if
it had been a big deal I'd have walked it off cause I don't want the
boys to worry and be all gentle and stupid shit like that ick, that's
not fun.  Hehehehe I totall shouldered Kevin in the back and that
was awesome, I haven't done that sort of move in a game since my
Freshman year of high school.  I love aggressive sports ^_^



Then we said bye to the guys and ALix today.  Everyone is
abandoning MCLA for the weekend, like always on long weekends, but
that's good.  They'll see home, have some fun, and com back
refreshed.  I met Mike's mom and there were hugs.  I love
hugs, especially since we've moved past the phase of akward hugs and
onto the phase of real hugs.  Oh and Kevin left us a the Longest
Yard to watch, should be good.  Yayness.  



Right now AJ is over and Kathleen is avoiding him like the
plauge.  There was a time and place last year when I knew what was
up and why things were like this.  There was a day and time where
I knew how to smooth things over and help to keep everyone together and
not so depressed.  But that isn't my place anymore, nor do I want
it to be, but I want us to all be happy.  I want smiles and
laughter, but nothing is the same anymore.  I miss some of the
group things, and how that was, but at the same time I really don't
miss it.  I just don't like it when they are all sad it pretty
much it.  I know that something is wrong and there's nothing more
I can do, but its probably better that I am not involved and can't
become involved.   Or at least I'll keep telling myself that
and I will give the whole group a wide birth.  Well yes that's
really it, gonna be a quiet weekend, but still fun and good with any
luck.

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Oct. 3rd, 2005

Woot woot.  Long time no see here in lj world ^_^ 



I was looking through my old livejournals today and man it was
intense!!!  In between quizs was all this I hate AJ crap, do you
know how long I was unhappy and angsty over the AJ?!!  I was
impressed with how long I let that tradgety go, man I was super emo and
bitchy....its almost funny.  I can't even remeber what it feels
like to be that angry.  Tee he more cupcakes for me
^_^  



Yeah, I don't want to hang out with AJ...ever just for the
record.  I mean he's a great kid but we have nothing in
common.  He talks about stupid shit, makes Kathleen angry, and
then takes me on the most stupod God foresaken trips.  Meh, I
think he only wants to make others miserable or he wants help with his
own work.  I'm not angry at him, but hanging out with him is not
on my list right now or the near future.  HE has the best
intentions at heart, or so I tell myself but whatever I'll hang out as
little as politely possible and try not to let him open up old
wounds.  



So far this year has been great.  I love my town house mates and
my new friends.  I've been partying this year on the weekends and
drinking....shhhhhhhh......  ITs been a lot of fun and a lot of
drama but I don't want to recap it all right now ^_^  Maybe
later. 



I went home last weekend cause I was having a terrible time this year,
but I've straightened a lot of that out.  I am really happy with
life right now, though I'm still a little frustrated with where I am at
the moment, but whatever.  I'm sure that I'm exactly where I
should be.  



What else, what else?  Meh lots of cool shit but I just don't
really have too much to say right now I'll work on it later .  I'm
swamped with work but I'll do it later 



Kathleen is super worried about my school this year, but I'll pull it through and blah blah blah;.....

Tags:

Sep. 9th, 2005

EM AJ rant after I broke up with him

I would like to write out all the words in my head, but it would take far too long. How do I explain it all to him? I don't think that I am ever supposed to say it to him, so I don't think that it really much matters, but we all know how it goes. You always want to say more. We want words to fill the void that is created through turbulent emotions, but words are so empty and cold. Even when they are heart felt and meant in the strongest senses, they seem so hollow and stale. Words have a clinical sterile feeling to them that I hadn't noticed before now. Words meant a lot to me because I didn't talk so much. What I had to say was precious and important. Words were perfect vehicle for me then, but now I talk more and now I realize just how much everyone else talks and how little the word means.




They are often a waste of air or space. They never can properly communicate what I mean, and they are so easy to say even if there is nothing behind them.




I want to tell him how much I miss him. I want to tell him how far away he is and how hurt and empty I am from it. But mostly I want to tell him that I am not what he wants. I never was what he wanted and I can't become what he wants. If he had more time, he would have found out himself. We are going different places. We want and value very different things. He only clings to me because he doesn't like change and because he likes the security.




We aren't so different in that. I would love to cling to him because of the safety in it. He makes me feel safe and secure and protected, and at a time like this I want that more than he could understand. I really just want him to hold me and never let me go, but he can't. I'm the one who's rendered him powerless in that stance and I have to stand by it. I have to pretend I don't want that. I have to pretend that I don't want him, because actions speak in a way words can not and I can not send him such mixed signals. I mean my actions in a way I can not mean the words, but I meant the words with an understanding that my mind won't quite remember. I will stick by my words, as I have usually done.




I want something that can not be, and what I do is selfish and cruel to him because of it. I know the difference between wanting him for the protection and safety he provides and wanting him because I love him. It is something that in his mind is interchangeable, so perhaps he would not even see the problem I have.




Love doesn't equate security or anything else. Love is love and there is no real synonym for it. I have a lot of affection towards him and it is hard not to express it the way I used to be able to. Little gestures and things I said or did can no longer be used and should not be done. I have these strong protective feelings towards him. I want to hold him and let him know that I wasn't surprise or blown away by his successes because I always knew he could do them. That is who he is, a person who can always do what is asked to be done, and I don't respect enough. I don't recognize the strain or effort that goes into that role. I don't respect how hard he is working to not let my injury to him injury me. It hurts to feel his sadness and his struggle, but I can't help him. My attempts to help have only hurt and I've already made a mess of it. I wish I could take away this weekend and all my own short comings in it. All the times I injured him because I knew better than to tell the truth but could not bring myself to say the lie that would have pushed him to move on. I need to start telling the lies.

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May. 6th, 2005

RA aj

"I'm not the one who is so far away

when I feel the snake bite enter my viens,

never do I want to be here again

and I don't remember why I came."

-Voodo by Godsmack 

 

I don't know guys I feel like complete shit today.  I want to cry, but I know I won't.  I don't cry for the most part, but  I think that I would feel better if I did.  I've done a lot of walking and thinking and "clearing of my head" and really its just seemed to make it worse.  When I'm up I'm really up, and I don't want to discount that.  I had a great time this past weekend in Boston.  Hanging out with Alix and chilling at Anime Boston was great...I also loved going to the aquarium and it was in a lot of ways really just what I needed.  At the time it had completely stopped my anger at AJ and I was fine after my big rant and utter fury at the boy a week ago.

I also have had good times this week, I mean I saw Boondock Saints and that was great.  Kathleen and I offically exercised once this weekend and it wasn't so bad.  My computer is almost completely healed and Kathleen and I had a great time chilling with Tim. 

 

Likewise though I took a whole day off classes on Wendsay amd I've just been everywhere really.  I called my mom the other day and we talked for a while about a bunch of stuff.  I really wanted to talk to her about somethings that I just couldn't say on the phone.  I feel like I should prepare her in some way for them, but I don't know how to do that.  All those times I was at the shrinks and she wanted me to talk about "blah" and what I really needed to do was talk about something else entirely.  I know its a little late, but it always takes me time to work around to saying what needs to be said.

Part of what has brought this up is my disscussion with Prof Cardinal today about my family essay.  It was just a draft and it was terrible.  I knew that when I handed it in, and I knew that she would be upset.  I have done some really good work and some really bad work in that class as a whole.  I want the end results to be good, but a lot of times everything is just so mixed.  Its hard to write about things that I feel as deep as I feel my family.  I know that what I would write about them would sound horribly emo and angsty, everything in that subject is too charged to touch.  Some of it is so good and some of it is so bad, and I know the depth of feelings that I have on the negative side make me sound like a weak pathetic melodramatic whiner, and I don't want to be her.  I know that soooooo many people have problems worthy of complaint space in their familys and I know that mine issues are piddling in comparison and that I need to get over myself and my issues.  I've been yelled at so many times over that sort of shit it does make me guarded and afraid to say too much or not enough.  I don't want to be one sided, I did my share to incure my suffering...in fact what went on is mostly my fault, but it isn't all my fault either. 

I'm also worried about the whole AJ thing in general.  I like him a lot, no doubt and he is a great person.  I worry where our relationship is going though.  We've been going out for a while and I have to figure things out soon because there are some things he'll be expecting soon and I have to sort everything out before that.  I worry that even though I do care about him that I really am going out with him as a crutch.  That I like the fact he is always there and he'll give me a hug and hold me and even if he says nothing the act alone in inmeasuable comforting to me.  Even though I know he isn't aware of it I feel sheltered by him, but I know I can't go out with him just to use him as a crutch and a sheild.  That can be part of a reason to go out with someone but it is the wrong reason if it is the sole reason one is dating someone.  I feel like I should break up with him, but every time I think about actually doing it I get really upset. 

I've been trying to think about why that is too.  Part of the reason I'm so upset is because I know that he will hate me if I break up with him.  I know that he will yell at me and make angry gestures and I'll go from being cute and little to a cunt bag he will never want to talk to again.  And that hurts and makes me want to cry...in fact I have cried a little over it when I was talking to my mother about ths subject.  Another part of it is that seeing him makes me smile, and I know its silly but I like when he is around and if AJ were to suddenly leave, there would be an empty space in my life which I couldn't fill very easily. 

Logically I know that while AJ is a nice guy, he doesn't have enough intellectually to offer me.  I also know that he doesn't have the ambition or drive I need in a man.  I know that he will drag me down and keep me in the long run from being free to do what I want.  I know that his loyalty is to the point of entrappment.  I know that he doesn't love me, and he doesn't even really like me, I'm just the best of what's around.  I know that I will always have to compromise and placate him while he will never do the same for me.  I will have to yell and scream to get him to move, and that AJ will never look at me and see anything special. 

I know that if I ever did fall in love with AJ, it would be one sided and painful for me, as someone who does not know themselves can not know let alone love someone else.  I know that if I had sex with AJ it would be like getting married to him and that if I broke up with him after that  I would become a dirty cheap whore interested in only one thing....

And still I don't want to break up with him, and I don't know why.  It is the damnedest most annoying thing, because I think I really should break up with him sometime over the summer, and yet somehow I think that next fall I'll still be going out with him...ah well. 

I'm also terrified about a summer job.  Somehow I have to pull it off, I just don't know how yet is all. 

And I want to write, but I don't have the time.

So much work and so little time, time is trapping me right now, but oh well.  I'll get through.  But I think I'm going to stop this before it gets worse.  Thanks and maybe I'll take a quiz or two.  Talk to you all later bye.

Apr. 29th, 2005

RA AJ

"Watching you watching me, I can feel you drag me down...  I won't let you drag me down!!" Yeah that's parts of some song from Evanescence its not in order its jumbled and angry...same as I feel.

I don't know why AJ is pissing me off soooooo damn much.  I don't know why I'm letting him piss me off.  I don't know why I feel at an angry breaking point with him where I want to rip him to shreads and pull everything apart until he is alone weak and defenseless....then ionce I have him defienseless I will tear into the heart and soul of him with all my vicious cold words and stand back to watch him bleed to death on it.  I don't know where these ruthless cruel and killer instincts come from in me. 

I do know that he's wearing on my last nerve for him.  I feel like everything he does it a God damned test that's trying to force me into proving how committed I am to him.  I just want to scream at him "I care a lot about you, and you mean a lot to me.  I miss you when we don't get chances to hang out during the week.  I seek you out when I know you aren't too busy to talk to me.  I respect and care enough for you to want what's best for you over what would be best for me in crucial areas.  I respect your need to have other friend and other experiences without me.  I respect your need to see the Soxs games and your need to study and do work, even when you don't respect me enough to give me the same allowances.  WHAT MORE DO YOU FUCKING WANT FROM ME?!"  Does he want my soul?  My essence, does he want my every move and every being to be dedicated to solely him?


I know I am difficult sometimes, but you know what?  I don't ask for much.  I'm not high matainence and I don't ask for more than he can give.  I think that for the most part I'm more than understanding about most things, but no matter how much I give or how far I sacrafice, he wants more. 

It started off with his insane demand to know whether or not I love him.  I use those words as far as a romantic sense goes very carefully.  I explained all of that to him.  That I love him as a friend, and of course he means more to me than just a friend but he can't have my love because he wants it or needs it for some sort of weak and pathetic reasurance of self worth.

He's trying to force both commitment and sex out of me.  I'm not buying, not at all.  Some of this is my fault for giving in when it came to the question of a long distance relationship.  I shouldn't have backed down in that.  I should never have said maybe we will go out if we transfer, that was a mistake on my part.  I should have stayed firm in the idea that we won't cpntinue the relationship, because we won't.  Now that I've given in once he thinks that he can make me give in again, and that's not how it is.  He can get me to fake a lot of things, but I would never degrate myself or the feeling of romantic love to the point where I would ever fake that.  And I'm not having sex without love.  So he can jump off a God Damned bridge and drown for all I currently care.

His newer issue is the idea of staying over the night at his house.  I can't do that, because my parents would never allow it, and all it would take for them to find out is one little slip from his mom or himself and then I'd be kicked out for all the sex I hadn't actually had.  He knows this, I've explained it so many countless ways, and he seemed to accept it.  Now that we are actually going to Boston and I'm to stay at Alix's while he goes to his house, he's making a huge stink about it.  I feel bad, because dropping me off there is two hours out of his way, but he knew it from the beginning and had no problem with it until today, the FUCKING DAY OF...jack ass.  He just wants to pressure me into staying at his house, when he knows I can't and won't.  I refuse to feel bad and I hope he really does crash into the fucking tree he keeps telling me he is going to crash into and dies, just like he says he will.  I wouldn't feel bad or blame it on myself at all. 

Sometimes I feel less like a girlfriend and more and more like a glorified babysitter who is tied to her post through manipulation and guilt tatics.  I have no reason to feel guilty and I'm not I'm just angry.  I almost don't want to go at all right now I'm so pissed and I have so many things to work around.  What a cock face, I am so utterly beside myself in rage.  Jack Ass, arg, I shouldn't let him get to me like this I have so very much to do and no time for such a loser.  Sorry about my rant, talk to you all later, hopefully when my boyfriend is less of an asshole....grrr I'm so pissed at him right now!!!!!!!!!!!!

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