August 2012

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Aug. 23rd, 2007

Woot the ever popular work update

Apparently if you check ij at one in the morning and expect something new to be up for lunch break, you are sadly mistaken.  Not that this a huge surprise to me, just that it leaves me with little to do during my precious half hour.   

So work update.  I think I've been moved to write some more about my life, but it will probably be later as a more private post.  

Until then talking with Kathleen last night was good.  She told me not to worry about that other incident because, well she could be talking to a lot of people.  As a result, I've privatized that entry for the moment.  It may pop back up and it may not.  We'll see.  

Kathleen and I also came to the conclusion that our dear friend is getting less well.  Which brings me to ask, does anyone know what to do if a friend is getting steadily less mentally stable than they were before?  He was on a lot of meds and stopped cold turkery.  He was moving away from a very rigid dogmatic Christian base to a more open one and has suddenlt sprung back worse than he was before.  He's always been a little obsessive but now its to the point where it is dibilitating him in some ways.  Neither my friend or I can help him with this and our presences seems to make it worse.  The only thing I can think of doing is retreating from him until whatever this is takes its course...which may be forever.  So any thoughts?  

I have a couple of story ideas I want to tinker with.  I think that I can finally return to writing Escape Artist (which I'll post a fourth chapter soon, maybe later today).  I also think I'm going to write another short or maybe two in the modern day short I wrote a week or so ago.  I have two or three scenes that seem particularly clear to me.  

And you know, I'm not going to think of a job or future, because I find it depresses me.  I don't like my options and even though I'm cool with working a job that doesn't make me warm and tingly (I know the extras that give me a happy vibe so I don't need the job to do it) its more a concern of the job and out of college thing isolating me completely from peers or community that I would enjoy...plus I think I might still live with my parents for at least a few months after college and I really really really don't want to do that.  I know the ij has some neat community but its not the same as face to face.  But alas, I'll either have to live or not think about it too much or both.  

I worry about the bf too.  But honestly, its far too early in the relationship to think about or talk about that.   

I'm also pretty consumed with the world wide thirty day peace prayer.  That's going to start Sept. 11th and I'm still trying to decide how I want to participate and whether I can organize others to do the same.  More thoughts on that after work though.  Now I don't have the time.

Jun. 16th, 2007

Pity Fest 07 part 1 I think anyway

And its occurred to me that I'm quite lonely.  Its fine when I leave MCLA.  Its fine for weeks.  It only happens right after I hang out with friends.  Like since this past weekend I've been desperate to return to North Adams.  I miss Zac and Kathleen.  I miss hanging out with people.  Its easy enough to keep this feeling at bay on weekdays even when all I'm doing is staring at a wall, but as soon as that friday evening hits I'm all mopey and sad.  I'm lonely and trying to hang out with family as a replacement is lame and ineffective.  Plus right now it seems that Emma and I really aren't getting along.  If that little bitch calls me fat or tells me how to diet or not diet one more time I am going to punch her in the face.  She's so fucking skinny she thinks she knows everything there is to know about how to maintain or lose weight.  Its not a math formula dumbass.  I'm not fat and I"m not trying to lose weight thanks. I am trying (with probably very limited success) to tone up my tummy.  I am trying to do yoga, but its as much for theraputic reasons as for exerscise and I realize what I'm doing on the mat isn't anything Emma would ever recognize as a work out.  There is no sweating involved.  There isn't long lasting soreness.  Well, stupid bitch you aren't supposed to work till you're sore and if that means it takes some time to work up into the work out then that's what it means.   I'm not really trying to diet or eat less, I am trying to eat healthier.  Some of what makes Emma think that I'm trying to diet is that I'm hunrgy almost all the time.  Some of this is my body adjusting to what a portion of something is, I'm used to eating way over a portion and I'm too small to be going that.  I'm often hungry after eating, its that ravenous hunger, like I really haven't eaten at all that's getting to me a little.  And the bitch wants to tell me I'm eating wrong, I'm going to fuck up my metabilism.  She can get back to me when she actually starts eating supper again.,..which she hasn't done because she "isn't hungry" for the past week.  She can come talk to me when she is eating all her fruits and vege servings, which I am doing but the skin og my teeth and I know she isn't even coming close to. 

  I'm kind of bummed everyone is at beta and I'm not there too.  I know I could be, but that's not really the point.  I mean, everytime I go it's a compromise.  By going I'm saying to my parents that I won't be going up another weekend.  I know I'm 21 I shouldn't but up with tempers and rules blah blah blah.  IF only adulthood meant freedom.  Money is freedom and I don't have the money to be free.  I'll probably never have the cash to be free.  It will always be a compromise between my desire to be free of their influnce and judgement and my desire for their support.  I can't help that I care about their approval or lack there of.  They will never really approve. They will never really like me, but at the same time, I want to keep them from yelling all the time.  The yelling is so draining.  I feel like I'm fighting an fight where there will never be any winning.  I mean if I want to do yoga and massage and reiki, then there is a huge fight.  (Kathleen will remember the peak if this and all the voicemails I had to just delete.  I still to this day don't know what they've said).  When I say what I want to do will never make money and I'm interested in the bottom line (you know that one that I've been yelled at to consider) ad what I want to do is work and office job somewhere and just make a ton of money so that I can walk away from the job and pursue things in my off time that make me happy, this makes them upset too.  They "don't want me" to do that either.  That abandoning my intesrests isn't what they've said.  Well now you're frustrating me.  I hear what you're saying about my interests being penniless.  Really I get that massage, reiki, yoga, and so on, while there is money being made in those fields a very different kind of personality is successful in them than me.  I'm a little too sincere, when I don't sense anything or when I'm not sure, I don't make things up.  I don't and won't fake it for a dollar.   I don't pursue that kind of thing intensly enough.  I do get gun shy.  I don't know how people will react to my thoughts or beliefs and experiences.  It can be hard to sum a person up in thirty seconds of meeting them and then try to sell them something that they most likely find hard to believe.  I'm not interested in making people believe something either.  Its something that appeals to you or it doesn't.  If it doesn't that's cool with me, there is not real proof one way or the other.  Studies go both ways and while there is pause that meditation seems beneficial and that things like prayer and energy work only aid, there are as many studies that show they are useless.  All I have to really push my feelings and thoughts are personal experience and I won't push slanted information or my personal feelings on other people.  I hate when others aren't as kind.  Like in everything else, I just don't fight for it enough.  Alright, I get it, I lack the viscous single minded drive to pursue.  I lack contacts.  I lack the means for this kind of life.  I don't fight logical, even if cruely put points.  Maybe one day this will be a different disscussion.  It isn't now. 

So I've scrapped the idea of pursuing a meaningful career.  If its only 8-5 Mon-Fri then I can deal with almost any sort of bullshit people want me to go through.  I don't really care.  But apparently this too was the wrong response. 

It seems I'm supposed to suddenly pick up different interests and hobbies.  I'm supposed to like dudgery and office politics.  I'm supposed to become business savy and curious.  My office secretary job, while I appreciate it more and more, my parent appreciate it less and less.  They hate that I don't like it.  They thought I'd do it and see the office wasn't soooooo bad, but it is terrible.  I don't hate working there, but there isn't anything I like about it really either.  Its easy and its mindless and the people are range from nice to annoying so I don't really mind it.  I do hate the work.  I don't like dressing up for nothing special.  I don't like sitting in that chair just being there and I don't intend to fool myself into thinking that what I do really matters or that there aren't millions of others who could do the same or even better than me in that job.  Its a stupid ego trip in the office to think otherwise. 

The more I talk to them about life the more I feel they are disappointed in me for not being someone else.  I can't help who I am.  I could pretend, but I like to think that I'm past that point in life.  I'm tired of pretending to be this or that and I'm not really that good at it anyway.  Isn't pretending and failing miserably at it combined with the depression that brings what brought me to a shrink's twice now?  It upsets me that they don't want me to be who I am.  They inist that the person I present isn't who I really am.  Oh so now they know me better than I know myself?  Great.  One more thing they can lord over me.  I'll admit that maybe this isn't really the real me.  Maybe this person I present is a front (to some degree I can say for a fact that is true, but who isn't presenting some basic level of a front).  I'll go that far, but I know for a fact the business savy, styilish smiling office worker speaking loads of techinical mumbo jumbo isn't me either.  This me is much closer than the one they want me to try on.  I  resent their implications to the contrary.  Like they've ever known jack about me.  I feel preasured and hurt and I don't really know what to do about it. 

Butler called me once, we lost service.  I called back and got voice mailed.  I left a message weeks ago and he hasn't called back.  I wish he hadn't called at all.  If he didn't want to hang out fine, but don't call me and get my hopes up only to just drop it.  I know its probable not really a big deal.  He's busy or away or just completely forgotten.  But in the back of my mind I just think of all the pranks I've seen him play on other people and think that I'm now one of them too. 

I saw Dave's lj, but other than that no people, only communities.  It made me sad.  i was hoping for some fake human contact at least.  Ohs wells. 

I finished Mort and it was good.  I guess Zac was right, it is a love story, but I'm still a little sorry about how it ended up. Oh well, I'm not sure what really would have been a better ending anyway.  Except that I"m not sure I like this ending either.  Good book, but I feel like the ending crapped out on the build up. 

Well now that I'm done venting I think I'm going to work on my story some,  I really do like it, even if its nothing but a vent and my own personal little escape.  Funny since I've titled it Escape Artist.  Meh.  The dry and semi-depressing humor in it fits my mood.  talk to you all later though.  And by that I mean perhaps a maximum of three people and myself.  ^.^
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