August 2012

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Sep. 16th, 2007

Two Poems of the moment

The First one called "So Yeah, Six Years Later" is for poetry class and its one requirement is that you know, you need to have one question in the poem.

The Second Poem is not for poetry class though it also fits the assignment, has some of the free write in it and I think sucessfully covers my Poem Idea that I wrote about earlier and its currently called "Really?"



Really? )

Aug. 23rd, 2007

Woot the ever popular work update

Apparently if you check ij at one in the morning and expect something new to be up for lunch break, you are sadly mistaken.  Not that this a huge surprise to me, just that it leaves me with little to do during my precious half hour.   

So work update.  I think I've been moved to write some more about my life, but it will probably be later as a more private post.  

Until then talking with Kathleen last night was good.  She told me not to worry about that other incident because, well she could be talking to a lot of people.  As a result, I've privatized that entry for the moment.  It may pop back up and it may not.  We'll see.  

Kathleen and I also came to the conclusion that our dear friend is getting less well.  Which brings me to ask, does anyone know what to do if a friend is getting steadily less mentally stable than they were before?  He was on a lot of meds and stopped cold turkery.  He was moving away from a very rigid dogmatic Christian base to a more open one and has suddenlt sprung back worse than he was before.  He's always been a little obsessive but now its to the point where it is dibilitating him in some ways.  Neither my friend or I can help him with this and our presences seems to make it worse.  The only thing I can think of doing is retreating from him until whatever this is takes its course...which may be forever.  So any thoughts?  

I have a couple of story ideas I want to tinker with.  I think that I can finally return to writing Escape Artist (which I'll post a fourth chapter soon, maybe later today).  I also think I'm going to write another short or maybe two in the modern day short I wrote a week or so ago.  I have two or three scenes that seem particularly clear to me.  

And you know, I'm not going to think of a job or future, because I find it depresses me.  I don't like my options and even though I'm cool with working a job that doesn't make me warm and tingly (I know the extras that give me a happy vibe so I don't need the job to do it) its more a concern of the job and out of college thing isolating me completely from peers or community that I would enjoy...plus I think I might still live with my parents for at least a few months after college and I really really really don't want to do that.  I know the ij has some neat community but its not the same as face to face.  But alas, I'll either have to live or not think about it too much or both.  

I worry about the bf too.  But honestly, its far too early in the relationship to think about or talk about that.   

I'm also pretty consumed with the world wide thirty day peace prayer.  That's going to start Sept. 11th and I'm still trying to decide how I want to participate and whether I can organize others to do the same.  More thoughts on that after work though.  Now I don't have the time.

May. 6th, 2005

RA aj

"I'm not the one who is so far away

when I feel the snake bite enter my viens,

never do I want to be here again

and I don't remember why I came."

-Voodo by Godsmack 

 

I don't know guys I feel like complete shit today.  I want to cry, but I know I won't.  I don't cry for the most part, but  I think that I would feel better if I did.  I've done a lot of walking and thinking and "clearing of my head" and really its just seemed to make it worse.  When I'm up I'm really up, and I don't want to discount that.  I had a great time this past weekend in Boston.  Hanging out with Alix and chilling at Anime Boston was great...I also loved going to the aquarium and it was in a lot of ways really just what I needed.  At the time it had completely stopped my anger at AJ and I was fine after my big rant and utter fury at the boy a week ago.

I also have had good times this week, I mean I saw Boondock Saints and that was great.  Kathleen and I offically exercised once this weekend and it wasn't so bad.  My computer is almost completely healed and Kathleen and I had a great time chilling with Tim. 

 

Likewise though I took a whole day off classes on Wendsay amd I've just been everywhere really.  I called my mom the other day and we talked for a while about a bunch of stuff.  I really wanted to talk to her about somethings that I just couldn't say on the phone.  I feel like I should prepare her in some way for them, but I don't know how to do that.  All those times I was at the shrinks and she wanted me to talk about "blah" and what I really needed to do was talk about something else entirely.  I know its a little late, but it always takes me time to work around to saying what needs to be said.

Part of what has brought this up is my disscussion with Prof Cardinal today about my family essay.  It was just a draft and it was terrible.  I knew that when I handed it in, and I knew that she would be upset.  I have done some really good work and some really bad work in that class as a whole.  I want the end results to be good, but a lot of times everything is just so mixed.  Its hard to write about things that I feel as deep as I feel my family.  I know that what I would write about them would sound horribly emo and angsty, everything in that subject is too charged to touch.  Some of it is so good and some of it is so bad, and I know the depth of feelings that I have on the negative side make me sound like a weak pathetic melodramatic whiner, and I don't want to be her.  I know that soooooo many people have problems worthy of complaint space in their familys and I know that mine issues are piddling in comparison and that I need to get over myself and my issues.  I've been yelled at so many times over that sort of shit it does make me guarded and afraid to say too much or not enough.  I don't want to be one sided, I did my share to incure my suffering...in fact what went on is mostly my fault, but it isn't all my fault either. 

I'm also worried about the whole AJ thing in general.  I like him a lot, no doubt and he is a great person.  I worry where our relationship is going though.  We've been going out for a while and I have to figure things out soon because there are some things he'll be expecting soon and I have to sort everything out before that.  I worry that even though I do care about him that I really am going out with him as a crutch.  That I like the fact he is always there and he'll give me a hug and hold me and even if he says nothing the act alone in inmeasuable comforting to me.  Even though I know he isn't aware of it I feel sheltered by him, but I know I can't go out with him just to use him as a crutch and a sheild.  That can be part of a reason to go out with someone but it is the wrong reason if it is the sole reason one is dating someone.  I feel like I should break up with him, but every time I think about actually doing it I get really upset. 

I've been trying to think about why that is too.  Part of the reason I'm so upset is because I know that he will hate me if I break up with him.  I know that he will yell at me and make angry gestures and I'll go from being cute and little to a cunt bag he will never want to talk to again.  And that hurts and makes me want to cry...in fact I have cried a little over it when I was talking to my mother about ths subject.  Another part of it is that seeing him makes me smile, and I know its silly but I like when he is around and if AJ were to suddenly leave, there would be an empty space in my life which I couldn't fill very easily. 

Logically I know that while AJ is a nice guy, he doesn't have enough intellectually to offer me.  I also know that he doesn't have the ambition or drive I need in a man.  I know that he will drag me down and keep me in the long run from being free to do what I want.  I know that his loyalty is to the point of entrappment.  I know that he doesn't love me, and he doesn't even really like me, I'm just the best of what's around.  I know that I will always have to compromise and placate him while he will never do the same for me.  I will have to yell and scream to get him to move, and that AJ will never look at me and see anything special. 

I know that if I ever did fall in love with AJ, it would be one sided and painful for me, as someone who does not know themselves can not know let alone love someone else.  I know that if I had sex with AJ it would be like getting married to him and that if I broke up with him after that  I would become a dirty cheap whore interested in only one thing....

And still I don't want to break up with him, and I don't know why.  It is the damnedest most annoying thing, because I think I really should break up with him sometime over the summer, and yet somehow I think that next fall I'll still be going out with him...ah well. 

I'm also terrified about a summer job.  Somehow I have to pull it off, I just don't know how yet is all. 

And I want to write, but I don't have the time.

So much work and so little time, time is trapping me right now, but oh well.  I'll get through.  But I think I'm going to stop this before it gets worse.  Thanks and maybe I'll take a quiz or two.  Talk to you all later bye.