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Mar. 11th, 2010

Le Sigh

So I think I might actually be depressed. With the lovely time of the month over, I actually feel worse. The weather (minus today) has been beautiful, I've finally got a teacher's license in hand, I even have a tutoring job starting today, and I have a possible editting job looming.

I feel awful. I'm tired all the time even though I'm sleeping well. My food diet hasn't changed and it includes lots of iron and b12. My head doesn't hurt but it feels all heavy and every now and then there's a lightening storm of pain that is sudden and random. Emotionally, I feel miserable and things are getting better. I don't understand.

I mean I'm writing, fanfiction, but still writing makes me feel good usually or at least it distances the numbness and general dark cloud.

I think if I were so inclined, I could write a poem or two, but I don't think I'd like the subject matter much. I already know I miss Zac. Why now and suddenly and sharply in this moment is a bit of a mystery to me, but meh. I miss him.

I know missing Zac is sort of like missing empty space. You weren't using it, you didn't know it very well, really what you liked most about it was the freedom of possibility that having it gave you. Beyond all that once you'd filled the empty space you might not like it so much anymore, and even if you did still adore it, it would be something completely different.

Which is to say that Zac isn't particularly rare or special (at least some of the qualities in him I valued most weren't), and it seems a bit of a waste to pine after him this way. I mean I knew how we were living was going to be temporary and both of us needed to change some to make it really work. I left because he wasn't going to change and I couldn't make that fly by myself.

Maybe I'm just lonely. Seems highly likely. I mean I'm surrounded by people at work and at home who don't get it and no amount of explaining would make how I view life and interact make sense. I'm far too intense in some places and not engaging enough in others. For all the people happy enough to approach me and make small talk for a few moments, in the long run I'm off putting. It's mostly my own fault, I know that, it doesn't make picking up someone or something to be less sad easier.

I miss being whatever I was before this. I dunno what specifics that entails, but I know I really miss that woman or at least I miss feeling like her.

I feel very incomplete and sad these days. I'm starting to consciously think the worst in people. I need to get up and drive and never look back, but as that can't/won't happen. I need to find something else I can turn to.
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Dec. 14th, 2009

About to Emotionally Bleed Out Across Insane Journal