tigresslilly

So yea, I'm a awake but a but grouchy. Both my mom and my dad have very early morning exercise and be at work schedules. I'm glad that they're exercising and not letting their lack of weight loss put them off their diets or exercise routine. I don't mind being vaguely awake and aware of those grumblings when they're moving around. I don't really mind when they call out to talk to me and make me fully awake either but I can't fall back asleep and when they leave I'm just tired and grouchy with nothing to do

It's all good, I'll drink tea later and life will pick up.

As a side note now that my facebook picture hunt addiction is over and my try to revive the insanejournal has proven it's not enough (can only post so often, sometimes I have nothing to say, not committed enough for a nanowrite, and can only respond to some friends and coms) I am addicted to facebook apps. I've got cafe world, farmville, fish town, and happy fish. I have others that I tried and just didn't make it to the temp addiction phase. So yeah I'm a little lame.

Moved around all my icons again. Since I only have about 100 free slots whenever I plan a massive update I delete a few I'm not using and add in the newbies. Sometimes i have more space at the end of the swap around. My fannish icons are getting less and less these days but I think that's because I'm not participating in the fandom as much as I should/thought I would. Need to find some Dollhouse and Fringe groups stat.

In other related notes, I've been slowly backdating old journals I never posted because I didn't have internet and journals I wrote by hand.  While going through my Senior high school journal I realized that beyond being pretentious and righteous and a know it all I sometimes had interesting thoughts and connections, but there's a lot of muck to rake through first.  

Also thanks to my backdating, all my Wyoming journals are off the first page of my journal.   There's more in between I should type in but I'm stuck at a particularly angsty journal I don't want to write in or look at again maybe ever. C'est la vie. 

Finished my application for an educator's liscence.  Hopefully the second set of tests will be worked up and graded soon and I'll have everything I need to start applying for jobs.  It's not an ideal time to hunt but we've all got our crosses to bear on that front.  Minimally tutoring of some sort should be approachable.

My brother is a terrible writer, as I think I mentioned last week. It's not that he can't write, but he needs some one on one focus and some very specific but simple training. All of that is ok. He and I are working on it and I really think he could be in gear for the limited writing he'll do in college with an engineering major.

I suppose I should say that he and I were working on it. My mom took over, partly because Kyle wasn't smart enough to plan so that I could really look at the work and partly because she doesn't like when others are in control of what's hers .

He has rolling admissions and someone needs to push him through this. He couldn't or wouldn't do it on his own. She might have just felt like she had some momentum left after Kyle needed her to look at the common app and pushed through. I don't really know.

What I do know is that she stopped being "helpful" to the cause yesterday. She's fine at correcting but she doesn't get the kind of one on one detail work that needs to be done. She doesn't get that because you can correct it all in one draft doesn't mean you should (not if you want Kyle to pull something from the mess anyway). She doesn't get that oral correction is like you never did anything. She doesn't get that even written corrections just don't get translated over to the paper because Kyle can't copy word for word and he's so unsure about his work and his own instincts he won't correct stuff in the essay that doesn't make sense to him because he knows that's part of what you wrote down so the not making sense bit is all in his head.

Basically she doesn't get that beyond coaching Kyle in writing and compensating for some of his learning disabilities, I'm coaching him in confidence and doing my utmost to make sure that he understands, can do what I did, and feels good about where he is and the progress he's making. It isn't easy and I don't lie to him about anything. If it's bad I say so, but the trick is not to belabor that point. I tell him we all come in at different starting points and there's nothing we can do about where we start, we can only do something about where we move to. I always stress that we can move this to A work The piece is going to finish strong. I focus on the improvements from last time how he stopped doing x and that was great or I could tell he understood and really worked to keep tense together. To be honest how he picks up and integrates what he understands is very promising.

Anyway, my mom has been yelling for two days and it's getting more insulting and personal each day. We all know she has her limits and snaps. We all knew she'd already broken down on this issue once and was therefor more likely to go crazy over it a second time.

I don't get it. I don't understand what she thinks she'll accomplish yelling at Kyle telling him he's stupid and he can't do the work and his attempts are pathetic. I don't get how I can sit and explain what I'm doing, why I'm doing it and point to some positive results and she can still come in and shit on it all.

I don't get what Kyle was thinking when he didn't jump on this after the first time she went ape shit crazy. I know how demotivating she can be. I know she can shake you in a lot of cruel and hard ways. You know I get the hesitation and I get that the quality of work is going to be less than it was before because now you're shaky. I don't get not trying to dodge all the abuse and crazy you can.

I don't get the whole deal.

My mom happened and now I'm exhausted.  For those just entering the hell that is currently my life, my bf moved to WY in July.  There were a number of reasons that this wasn't just the best choice from the beginning for him but at that point in time the only option left to him short of a few other more desperate things.  There was a lot he could have done if he'd acted monthes before but an overly passive role landed him in WY.   

I was upset that this had come to pass, but prepared to see what came out of it.  I told him if he could get a job that paid and he wanted to do permenently or he could find something that would handle living expenses and transferred colleges to finish his degree, then I would go out with him.  My biggest concerns were the debts that he's wracked up so far going to college, that because they aren't federal loans he has to start paying some of them now and some of them are carrying high interest rates.  

Well, I have to be honest, I wasn't entirely optimistic that he could do this, but at the same time I love him and I want to do whatever within certain finiantial ruin, physical and mental safety I can and still be with him.  I didn't think he could pull his loan situation into somewhere I was comfortable, but he has done that.  He's found a really nice place for us to move to and there are a lot of hostpital jobs out that way, which is a field I'm looking into right now.  

Now originally the plan was for me to wait until I had my six months (start looking in Nov, probably move in Jan) to take a vacation and interview.  However, he's moved faster on this, and my job went from tolerable to miserable, so I want to move up the time table of the move.  To within the next three weeks (I decided this about two weeks ago so it's not like there was no notice). 

Apparently my mom either was comfortable with that old plan or somehow never thought that I was moving because the date was so far back.  She has been going crazy and in general exhausting me with all her constant worrying and nagging and insults and arguing.  She's cornered me on several occasions about the whole thing. 

What I don't get is how this has nothing to do with her.   She wanted me out of the house, made it quite clear that while I could stay as long as I needed she didn't want me to be here. 

I'm not asking for money or help.  I'm not looking for time or attention.  I don't want advice or thoughts on it.  I know what I'm doing is dangerous to me and possibly something I'll regret.  I know that it will be hard for me to get a job.  I know driving there will be long and hard.  I know things between my boy and I might not work out if for no other reason than I have a small mental freak out at the thought of marrying, not him specifically, just the thought of tying myself down to anyone for all the forseeable future wigs me out.  I can make the statement that I see the future with us together indefinately and I plan like we are going to be together and I'd rather us together, but I flip out at the thought of predicting whether that will be true in five years.  There are so many variables to that answer.

She wants me to think about what I'm throwing away and I just can't see it.  A shitty secretary job, whatever.  I don't want to do anything clerical again anyhow.  I'm going to have to, I'm sure, at some point in my life (maybe even my next job though that makes me shudder a bit) look at it again.  But why I would care if someone gave me a good review is beyond me.  I can have my best friends give my reccomendation and all of them have been co-workers thanks to my job as an RA over the summer and over a year of school.  Since I'd much prefer getting a job coordinating events or working in admissions or working as a counselor, all of which relate more to RA experience than this, I don't see how a clerical job would help with that.  AND maybe I'm blind Gods know I have been before, but I can't see it.

And I know driving across the country alone is dangerous.  Really, I get that there are aspects that are less than comfortable, but I've always wanted to do that.  I've been talking about it since high school.  Everyone always talks about how crazy I am for it and maybe the idea has been over romantized in my head, I'll allow that my imagination can be active, but I don't think at this point I'll be satified by less than going and finding out.  I see it the same way I see going out to my bf.  I don't know whether or not I'll like it or I'm ready but I'm at a point where if I don't explore it I'll regret it and always wonder. 

And it's not like I'm backpacking around in a foreign country or sky diving.  I'm driving four days across the mid-west.  The clip I'll have to take it out will hardly leave time for anything besides trying to get here (nine hours of driving a day and all that grandness).  They'll know when I leave, they can know my progress along the way, and they'll know when I get there.  Someone is expecting me so even if something happened and I couldn't tell them, they will know and they'll have some idea of where that might have happened at. 

She says I'll hate it there.  Well I'm not so thrilled with living here either.  Yeah there are worse things, I could be in North Adams still.  She talks about cold like it will be new.  I know all about freezing piercing winds and terrible snow and sleet thanks.  I don't care for it, but I know that in WY its usually sunny so to me that's already a huge improvement from North Adams. 

She talks about Dairy Queen jobs, and in my head I'm thinking about how I do know to live very frugally and how I like doing that kind of work.  In my head in a host of ways it sounds like a step up from what I'm doing now.  Heck make it Target or Walmart and I'm totally sold on it.  And yes I know I'm a terrible person for having a college degree and prefering something as "blue collar" as a Wal-mart job.  I'm a terrible, spoiled person who has no understanding of what privledge I have. 

But that's the thing.  I understand that past getting a manager spot in one of those companies there aren't a lot of places to grow and that the money plus insurance would be unpleasant to make it something more than an in between.  I know that, and its not my target (pun haha) job.  I know to take the miserable office job over the retail whenever the option is available.  I'm just saying the work is work and if there were better benefits and steady raise structure like most office jobs, I'd be there in a heartbeat is all.  This statement phrased almost exactly this way drove my mother to tears, and I'm at a loss as to why.   She doesn't mean to (I don't think) but she does make me feel like a bad person sometimes.  I don't always understand why I upset her so much but I almost always feel bad about it.

Not bad enough to change my plans and not bad enough to feel like she deserves an explination.  I don't know how to explain my wants and desires to her anyhow.  I mean some of them, like going across the country in the car must be beyond words.  The whole idea of just yourself and a road and possibility must either be something you get or don't get.  You either see how the challenge and the potential freedom and opportunity and adventure exist or you don't.  You either appreciate what it means to undertake it alone, the demons a person might have to face, the thrill of it all, the chance to do things exactly how you want without aquiesing to others or hearing critiques and so on-or you just don't get it.  I don't think there's middle ground.

I mean for as many people don't get it (and most people don't-which I see why there are a lot of drawbacks) even when I explain it, it immediately clicked for Jeff.  I started to explain and he cut me off because he knew, and the look he gave me combo understanding and hunger for the same kind of experience, said it all to me.  The bf doesn't like it, but he does get it.  That he gave off grudgingly at all shows that he understands the idea even if it doesn't entirely sit well with him.

Anyhow all this fighting and arguing and pulling is wearing on me and it's taking time physically, but it's also taking time in my recover that makes it harder for me to do what I need to move.  She's a crafty woman. 

I've been breaking in bits though.  Instead of cushioning thoughts or feelings I've told her off a couple of times.  The mix of hurt and surprise is satifying and guilt inducing.  I don't know if she's surprised I feel that way, surprised I caught her, surprised I said anything...I don't know I'm way out of known territory with her. 

I mean I told her today that best case senerio I think of her as an unintentional obsticle in my decisions and in my attempts at happiness but more often when we talk like this for longer periods of time I can't help but see her as an intentionally crafty and manipulative person who is trying to live a life she couldn't manage when she was my age.  There was actually a three minute pause (that I loosely timed I had a cell phone and nothing else to do but stare at her and shift) in the conversation before she could figure out how to respond to that.  Of course it was something about my history of secrets. 

It's true that I hold a lot back from my parents.  I omit and I lie a lot, particularly to them.  I seriously considered pretending that I was planning on staying here all the while giving my two weeks, preparing, and then just one day when I was off to "work" I wouldn't return because I was actually headed out to WY.  

That's a ridculous and stupid senerio of course.  What's sad is that it isn't too far from the lengths I've gone not to involve them before.  But I thought it was time to do something new and different.  I know how they react to omission.  What happens when I just tell them?  Let's just say that part of me really regrets it now, but I'm unsure of whether I'd change it.  There would be no relationship with them if I insisted on moving like that.  There is still some hope that we might one day get a long. 

It's still small, but at least now I'm not at fault if it doesn't hold out.  Anyhow I'm worn from dealing with her constant snips and displeasures.  I don't like fighting if it's' hostile and it seems to take less and less for either of us to break out into open hositility, we've had understated hostility at least since I was 13, maybe longer.  It will all be better when I'm out, I'm sure, if I don't kill her or myself getting to that.

Let's do this Cliff Notes Style because goodness knows I have a lot to write and not as much time as I'd like. Turns out I'm ten time busier at home than at school...who'd have thought. (I know I wouldn't)

Couple of notes before I got on. 1. I'm about to intertwine my Internet life and my real life. If the notes don't apply, are boring or are super geeky please feel free to skip them. 2. These thoughts and notes are in no particular order they are all things I just want to either throw out to the community at large or that I just want to jot down. 3. There will probably be a lot of back tracking and the time line is going to be fuzzy. Sorry.

Alright here we go.

• Since I've been poking around at the ij I now own a ton of awesome icons. I want to take a moment to thank all the talented icon creators here. I think I've got like 136 icons and I love them. Thanks to anyone who helped make this possible I love a ton of the work I've seen and hope to see more of it.

• Noticed that the asylum_promo became a modded group and I'm stoked. I know or at least recognize all the mods and from their posts I know that they will be fair and come up with some rules that will hope regulate the community. For the record, things I'd like to see change over at the promo include: not pimping something more than once a week, putting any pictures behind a cut, not repeating the same asylum name over and over again in a post cause it's incredibly annoying, and possibly a separate asylum for advertising rps. I like rps and I like hearing about them, but I just think it could do with a separate space.

• Sorry pagan_times has been so dead recently. Its on my list of things to hit but I've got a large list so excuse me if I don't get it till Tues or Wed.

• I saw the Golden Compass and LOVED it. Loved it so much I went out and got the book. The book is better, but I've got to say the movie is a really good take and while a lot of the religion aspect is gone, the anti-establishment vibe definitely still exists. But I am So PROMISING a post about the book and the movie with spoiler warnings and ij cuts and what not.

• I kind of want to do a write up on Beowulf even though the movie was terrible. I'm not sure about that yet. I know it's been like a month and all, but we'll see.

• My bf did make it out home eventually. There was a huge storm going on and for a while we weren't sure what would happen. I was really really worried for him. But you know a side from a lot of delays and staying overnight in an odd hotel, he didn't get stranded or miss his plane or get hurt, so I guess it all worked out.

  I had the worst nightmares about it though. One of them where a series or worse weather kept coming and then I "woke up" and ran out of my room to answer the door to who I thought was the bf only to realize it wasn't and I should have known better because he was at the airport, but then that person told me the bf had died and I woke up for real with the worst feeling. Of course he was fine and it worked out but that dream was really scary. Then there was the one I had about half a week later where I was the one trying to get a flight and I couldn't seem to catch it and I was so lost and running from a murderer while trying to please my family. Guess I let my anxiety get the better of me on this one. The really funny part of this is that I'm not at all afraid of flying. I like it even cause the flight gives me time to think and prepare myself for where ever I'm going and what I'm doing. I mean I've been on a plane where the turbulence was so bad that the air bags were deployed and over half the plane (including me) got sick, and I never worry twice about flying. I sometimes worry about catching connecting flights, but even then the fear is minimal, so its an odd topic for my subconsious to pick for nightmares.

• I got home fine too. I was worried that there would be some anger cause of my lack of calling. Family was just happy to see me and I felt a little sheepish avoiding them like that. Sometimes I really wish that this power play my parents and I are locked in wasn't so damned brutal. I mean I don't want to be in a power play with them at all. I'm thinking it's going to have to come to a head soon, and I don't know what I'm going to do if it gets ugly, but one hurdle at a time right?

• Bf was terribly sick on Christmas and he missed his family ski trip which is really sad cause he loves skiing, especially in Colorado and he doesn't get a lot of chances to do it.

• My mom was sick for Christmas too and I felt a little bad for her. She's stressed and since she hasn't thrown a fit yet this year I can't help but hope that she's really mellowing. Who knows maybe it really is all my fault she gets all wound up. Go figure

• Before I left I wrote a third part to Surprise Surprise. I haven't looked too closely at it since I've been home so I don't know if I'm going to keep it. I think it might be better if I cut bits but I'm not sure yet. The meat of the section is a conversation between the hunter (where we still don't learn his real name but do get one of his aliases) and a werewolf pack leader. I currently have some set up with the hunter on the subway getting to his meeting with the pack leader. In it we talk a little history of the pack and how it is different than other packs. We also talk a little about Kiyoshi. I don't know if it's needed. I mean it might come across as boring and also it might just be too jumbled but at the same time I'm really not interested in giving the whole set up in one chapter. I just want to throw out what the audience needs to know.

  Also it isn't funny an in this bit our hunter is finally doing some research. Of course it's possible by now that the audience is ready for a lite something because you know, until now it's been action and some people might want more on what's going on. Besides, couldn't have him hunting down werewolves the whole time without a little research and without showing that he has informants and connections. I don't know though if what I've written creates more questions than it gives answers, which if you're going to throw in section that finally begins to help illuminate the reader on what the hell is going on, then it's really important that it actually does that.

  Another problem I'm having right now is that the pack leader is black and I don't know how to drop that in the story well. Part of it is that I haven't actually had any really detailed character descriptions in the story up till now. Sometimes we'd discuss clothing or facial expressions, but never the whole hair color, eye color, height, skin color deal. Even if I'd been doing that I don't know how to throw in the skin color factor. I guess I could just come out with it...actually I think I'm coming up with a thought on it as we speak. This is really important to me because the story does take place in a New Yorkish city where diversity is a huge thing and since white is the default skin color I want to make sure that I have POC's properly represented and mentioned.

• I'm going to be posting my poems up soon. Some will be friended and others won't. I would love feed back on them and I'll be sure to put up some warnings with them as several of them are what I consider to be explicit or potentially upsetting.

• Was given a nativity ornament as a gift and the person was very sheepish about it after learning that I'm not Christian. I wasn't sure how to respond to their awkwardness at the time. I'm not used to family and family friends acknowledging that I'm not Christian. My friends, peers, and the Internet at large knows I'm pagan. I've told my immediate family, who pretend it's a phase, though they have told the extended family on several occasions in an attempt to shame me, but it's never been brought up or acknowledged beyond those awkward instances of attempted shaming. Often I forget that they have any idea and as a result I was unprepared for this kind of reaction that acknowledges that perhaps we don't share a faith and the nativity might not be appropriate. Part of me was pleased that this person had thought of it at all and part of me felt something I can't even pinpoint in my own mind. I don't know, it's just that this ornament was something the person got in Peru for me. The craftsmanship on it is amazing and I have to say whether or not I'm religiously moved, the piece is beautiful. I like it and appreciate it the same way I like and appreciate any other cultural or religious work that is different than my own. I guess the point was that the gift is entirely appropriate even if it isn't appropriate for the reasons that the giver thought they would be. I do like the gift and even if I didn't, that she thought to get me something was nice. I don't know, I guess it doesn't have the effect she hoped and that's why she's sorry, but I think it's kind of silly for people to expect anything religious to hit other people even of the same religion the same way it hits them.

• On that line, my day made a quiet comment about me going to hell that I didn't pick up until it was too late. I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised by it or even taken aback, but I was a little. I guess I had it coming since I've refused to go to church (though I did go for Christmas mass to humor everyone) and told him that I'm not afraid of evil or the devil. Meh, whatever. I just wish that when he'd muttered "it's a dry heat" I'd picked it up fast enough to say, "I don't worry too much about the temperatures of imaginary places, but thanks for the forecast". It probably would have been in bad taste for Christmas Eve anyhow...though I guess talking about how your child is damned on Christmas Eve is probably in equally bad taste.

• Christmas sermon was about hope and how hope of the physical was a weak poor man's substitute for hope of the spiritual nature. This got me thinking why is the physical so much less than this nebulous spiritual to so many people of so many differing faiths? Don't get me wrong, I'll prattle on about energy, the astral plane, souls, and purpose as much as the next person. But I've got to say that my primary focus is in the here and now, which very much includes the physical. I'd think that since what is right in front of our faces is sometimes what's hardest to see that we would want to focus on that at least as much as the spiritual. I mean if God wanted his followers to be all about the afterlife and glory eternal, then why create a physical world at all? If we weren't supposed to pay some kind of attention here and for attachments and hopes and dreams and get caught up in the fleeting then why have it at all. I mean if one thing is fleeting while the other is eternal, shouldn't we go after the fleeting thing first, the other stuff will still be there. I don't know though, maybe I'm taking him too literally.

• While at work I had a thought about mandalas. I was thinking about how traditionally Buddist monks painstakingly make them and then destroy them and how in a lot of ways that 's a lot like doodling. I mean people discard doodles when they're done and what people doodle and how they doodle does say a lot about the kind of person they are and the mood they are in. I mean it isn't as focused as making a mandala is and the level of craft isn't there, but some aspects still remain. Just a thought, silly and fleeting, I figured I would throw it out there. Who knows maybe classes, boring office jobs, and other things that draw people to doodle actually help hone another part of us. Like blocking whatever the thing is that will kill us with boredom actually brings our mind to another frame of consciousness that helps us just show some small piece of the subconscious I do wonder if this could be focused into something more and I do wonder if those doodle trances a lot of people get into where it takes them a moment to respond when someone talks to them is sort of like a pre-meditative state. I know for me there are some similarities, but I don't know about others.

• Mom and Dad say my work cloths suck and I need new ones. The ones I have are perfectly serviceable They told me everyday this week that I looked nice and then told me on Saturday that I looked old and frumpy and they were going to pay to update my work look. They made a big deal about it being something that "shows who I am" and that it was something "I liked". They haven't entirely grasped that who I am is not an office person and that the clothes I enjoy wearing are not appropriate office wear. Some of the problem I have with picking out office wear is that it's hard for me to get nice office clothes because I think all of it looks ugly (no offense to people who like that look I can see why it would be appealing for the right personality and I am aware that there are many people who wear those kind of outfits very well). I think my dad might have put it best when he said "Office wear doesn't have to be as boring as you think it does, plenty of people wear eclectic fun things to work now a days and you can too. Just that to you that eclectic stuff probably registers as normal." So I know that I don't have the foggiest of what to get for that kind of clothing. It's why my mother or my aunt come with me. They pick out clothes, I try them on, and we get what fits and whatever they think looks best.

  This has been the drill for three years now and suddenly my mom wants to mix it up. She comes with me but she wants me to pick out the clothes. Ok, I work in an office where the youngest person next to me is in their late thirties so I have not office wear role models here to base my picks off of. I know what I'm wearing is apparently too old.....so how the heck am I supposed to go about picking stuff. And then when she gets aggravated she starts picking things and every time I go to take it from her she says "do you like it?" and I look at her in confusion. Then she puts it down and says "if you don't like it we won't get it"--when has that mattered and more importantly why should it matter. "Your office cloths need to reflect you". We spent hours like this with me trying to lie about whether or not I liked the ugly clothes and her repeating mantras of "it would be easier if you looked for yourself and picked something out" "your clothes are a reflection of how far you can go in a job" and "you need this to make a personal statement about you".

  I don't ever want to make a fucking personal statement about me at work. I don't think a lot of my personal information is office appropriate and since a lot of my look outside work is centered around that, I don't see how I should be bringing that into the office. I know what she wants is to show them that I can be put together and that I'm up beat and going places. I think my smile and quick processing ability should do that for me.

  I understand not looking sloppy. I understand accessorizing. I'd understand if she wanted me to wear certain colors or styles, but this fucking bull shit about the office being me is driving me batty. My office me is a persona and one that has very little to do with who I am. Just as my dutiful daughter routine is a persona, though admittedly that one is much closer to the real me that the office one.

  Another thing I resent is feeling like buying me this wardrobe is a power play. I know I should be thankful. Office clothes are expensive and even if I just got some new ones this summer, more new clothes doesn't hurt. But some of it is just the way it's handled. The whole "we will do it now", "we have decided that what you wear is inappropriate so you will change it", "you will go with your mother, you will smile, you will agree, you will think she's brilliant, you won't frustrate her or be pouty or disagree, you are lucky and you will act that way". I mean I don't think I need it and I just don't want any of the stuff that bad. I know I'm being ungrateful and I know that some of it has to be in my head but I feel constantly like I'm in a power struggle with my parents for control of my own life. I feel manipulated and cheated. Part of this is a problem because I am really interested in pursuing a career in reiki and alternative healing and I've been doing a lot to work on that. Some of this including scheduling interviews, email people who have made this work, and networking with other people in this field. I've really just gotten started with all this in the past few days, but it's going well and will be going better when my parents stop trying to distract me with things that I don't need to do like go clothes shopping for outfits that I hopefully won't need in a year or two.

• Speaking of power play chronicles, my mother offered to pay to get my hair cut, very generous, but now she won't let me get it cut where I want. She said "when are you going to get it done" and I said "Monday or Tuesday" and she said "Since you haven't made an appointment you won't be able to do it then, it's New Years" and I said "I was going to go to Cost Cutters, they'll have time" and she replied "I said I would pay for the hair cut and when I said that I meant a real one. Cost Cutters isn't an appropriate place to go" where I said "Cost Cutters does cut hair and it's where I got my last hair cut. You liked that one or were you lying when you said that?" and she said "No I liked it, but you just must have been lucky". We didn't talk after that about it. I know she thinks she's won, but I figure I'll just go and pay for it myself like I planned to originally. I appreciate her offer but I don't appreciate the second guessing, the judging, and posturing that go with it.

• And it goes on and on with my fucking hair. When I came home she offered me these sample shampoos and conditioners. I accepted them and thanked her. I've used them and they are nice, but I really like the shampoo and conditioner I'm using already. The original reason I got the product 'm using now is that they were made naturally and I was trying to get rid of a couple specific chemicals used in most shampoos. For a while I was using baking soda and water, then I swapped to natural shampoo and condition at my mother's insistence that my hair smelled (the project started in the winter and when the summer hit there is a legit possibility I needed something more which is why I did go get some product). I love the products I got. My hair has never looked nicer. My curls are nice, the frizz is the lowest it's ever been, my hair is incredibility soft feeling, and I have a really nice shine going on (not overly shiny, just healthy shine).

  There is one problem with the products I'm using and that's the fact that the hemp in the product has made my hair a lot darker. I went from a dirty blond to dark brown. This does make me look a bit paler, but I've always been pale. It also obscures a lot of my natural highlights, but you know what, I'm so happy with everything else about this product that I don't mind the darker hair. To be honest, in some lights the darker hair looks even nicer that the dirty blond did. It's mostly bright light that does that, but hey I love direct sunlight so it's really not a problem.

  This dark hair color for whatever reasons is a huge problem to my mother. She started harping on it over the summer and eventually relented that since the product was so nice for everything else and the dark brown really was pretty in some lights, it wasn't too big a deal. Apparently this was a lie since we had a long conversation about it on Thanksgiving and when I came home she had new expensive product samples for me to try. The products aren't as nice as the ones I've been using and they have the chemicals in them (you know the ones that I was trying to get rid of in the first place)...though my hair has been slowly getting lighter while I've used these products.

  My mother wants to get me these product to replace what I have and I told her no. There's a couple reasons first is the chemical problem, the second is that my other products work better, but the last is that when I was using mainstream brand shampoos and conditioners I had to change what I was using every two or three months because it stopped working and after eight months of use my natural products still work very well. Why would I go to something more expensive, chemically harmful, that would stop working in a few months when I have something that works?

  None of this is her business and here she is trying to throw money at me to control me with so she can have whatever way she wants. I couldn't' believe how rude she and my father were about it either. I get that you think my chemical concerns are stupid, I think your concern over splenda is stupid, but I know it isn't my business and I'm far too polite to go around insulting you for it. Tonight they ganged up on me over the product. My father told me that discounting the color changing properties of my hair products would be like discounting a soap that changed my skin tone. First of all, people change hair color all the time, second of all people do change their skin color with self tanning solution all the time and people do go out of their way to find it in lotion and foundation. In fact I have a foundation that works well and also happens to darken my skin slightly. I got it because it worked well not because it gave my skin a slightly more tanned look (in fact I think I would like it better without the slight tan cause now I have to worry about my neckline and what not), so it looks like I do buy other products that alter my coloration for reasons other than the color changing property and still use them so long as they are flattering. And since both of them said it was flattering over the summer I don't see why it's ugly now.

  A lot of times they let things go when they think it will be a phase though so it's possible and apparent at this point that this was another of the many lies they tell me hoping I'll grow out of something. It would be easier to get me to stop it early on with honest and frank commentary. Now that I've been lied to about it why would I trust your opinion or advice? And now that I'm used to the color and everyone who sees me often is used to it, I don't see how it could or should be effecting me negatively. It looks natural on me and all that jazz. Whatever though, some of this is my fault for not just being blunt and telling them to shut up. Most of the time I just say nothing and continue as I have been. This makes them angry since a lack of reaction makes them believe they've won. All it means is that I want them to shut up and I know my silence does this faster than an argument could. They call this passive aggressive. I call what they do to me manipulate and passive aggressive. I guess my friend is right, I"m not going to be able to live here long after college, it at all. I'm thinking I should add looking for a place to live on the list of things to do, because I'm not going to make it even six months here.

• Flip side, I've loved spending time with my brother. He's a really good kid and I missed him. I'm glad he's gotten more talkative and his attempts at humor, even when they miss are cute and I'm glad to see him making the attempt. And he's already better at making jokes than Ian is so all is well.

• Haven't spent a lot of time with my sis. Probably won't

• Miss my bf, but not as much as I thought I would. I was really lonely for him when I was at college and he wasn't, but being home is enough separation I guess to keep it from being as hard.

• Am in the process of some reiki contacts and plans will give more details when I have them.

That should cover it. Until my next post. Love you all and hope to be updating more frequently.

It's been raining since Monday. In spurts of course. Sometimes it's drizzles and sometimes it's like walking through Niagara Usually I hate the rain. The dark overcast makes me sad and it makes me want to curl up in bed with my comforter cocooning me while I snuggle my ginger heating pad. What can I say though, I'm easily depressed.

Zac loves this kind of weather. He likes the wet just rained air. Says it's the cleanest air after the hardest rain. He likes that the sun won't hurt his pale skin and apparently light sensitive eyes. We go out together and I sit on the cement steps watching the rain while he just stands in it and laughs. And I'll admit, there is something comforting with the pattering of it on the ground. It makes me think of ocean waves and drifting to sleep in the rocking. And I would love a cup of warm tea and not the nice stiff unsweetened kind I've been taking I want a rich chaitea velvet smooth feeling from the cream, smelling of far away places, and tasting of sweet sugar.

There is something calming and steadying about it. The rain itself can be mesmerizing. Just watching drop after drop, but that's not what I felt like last night. Had all this energy. It was like being a kid and I just wanted to splash around and make the biggest mess possible. Not that water and mud cause that much of a mess and not that as a lazy college student I'd put myself through washing a set of mud ridden water logged clothes, but still I just had the urge.

And instead of taking me back to my kid days with sticky sap hands and unruly long hair, I thought about my first real relationship and one of our first real dates. It was spring and it had been raining for weeks. For some reason we decided to go for a walk, even though there were sheets of water and even though neither of us had any rain gear. So there we are me in a jean jacket (one that I'll never wear after that day) and him in just his t-shirt....trying not to get wet in the middle of a downpour. We walked a healthy distance away from each other, unsure of what to do or how to act, even though we'd kissed already and even though it was obvious that we liked each other and probably should have been holding hands.

Awkward silences were always filled up with conversations. That's one thing, with him there were always the most fascinating conversations. He challenged me so much in so many stupid little ways intellectually. Yeah it was all talk and there was nothing to act on, but you know it was the kind of stuff that you had to work for, the kind of thing that just felt good. I think that's probably the thing I miss.

Anyhow, going through a wood path more puddles than anything else and walking over slippery tree roots makes it impossible to not fall into a puddle eventually. I, being clumsy, was of course the first to slip right into a knee deep puddle. And at first there was silence. For a moment he gave me this "What will she do" look, where the man (or boy at this time) is wary. He isn't sure which way his girl will go.

I laughed and then started to run. Loved the huge waves coming up behind me. Probably changed him from just soaked to coated in sticky pine needles and soaked with the first running jump. He stared dumbfounded for a moment before laughing and following me. We raced for a while, who could get to the deepest part of the puddles first. Who could stay ahead of the other, who got the other most wet (though we were beyond maximum density then). And before I knew it we were tumbling and rolling through the puddles kissing and laughing and generally breathless.

It was a good.

And it was such a classic little movie romance scene I can't even believe it. But that whole relationship was like the best scenes and the worst from cliche romance movies. Sometimes I think its ironic because he used to insist on being unique and doing the odd thing sometimes just to do the odd thing. Sometimes I think its fitting because it was during my "I want to be a famous movie star" phase and there I was, living out a made up high school Hollywood romance.

Of course in the movies they don't show you the aftermath. It was freezing when we got inside. Both of us were shaking from head to toe, and I was late for when I told my parents I'd be home. Jumped in the car more nerves now that anything else, shaking to much to get the key in the ignition. Shaking to much to see much of anything. Had my first real car crash that night. Too rushed to get home and too wet to pay attention. I side swiped someone while making a left. Thankfully there was no damage either car. The guy I hit felt bad for me. I was soaked and shivering and upset and young. We left without exchanging info. Took me a minute to pull back onto the road with all the adrenaline and now with the whole thing over I was tearing up. Too much to deal with I guess. Young love angry parents and a brush with death (in my head anyhow).

I never told anyone that half of the story. The part where with my license for less than a week I almost have a nasty spill. My parents still don't know. They yelled at me for being wet and late and all the time in my head all I could think about is a car crash I can't tell them about. I could only nod, because the accident the almost catastrophe is right on the tip of my lips.

And you know, its funny because these two events happened to me on the same day and I think about both of them from time to time. When I was younger I thought of them both a lot, and I never really connected the two. I mean yes same day same afternoon one directly after the other, but somehow its like two completely different years. There was the time I was out with a boy in the rain and the time it was raining so hard and I was shaking so much and so worried that I went out into traffic without looking.

I told the story how it happened one after the other, but when I was thinking about it yesterday, the car accident didn't pop into my head at all. Its like a little shadow at the end that never comes clear in the same moment as the other memory. Funny how different the story is how it happened and then how I think of it now is all.

List because I like them and because sometimes life isn't easy to sum up

1. Have a bunch of little things to post for my own collection will be sorry to clog the f-list list that but, meh, I can be that way sometimes.

2. I have been paying attention to international peace month I just haven't had time to post prompts or really write myself. For those who want a prompt, though unfortunately I won't be able to respond myself, todays prompt is Tranquility. When have you found it? What does it mean to you? Where or how do you get it? Do you think it would get boring if there were too much of it? Is tranquility synonymous with static/homeostasis? Any thoughts of feelings you have or that come to mind with it. Again doesn't have to be about you. Can be a character or a poem or just a block of text.

3. Must post in </a></a>writers_cafe all these nifty new character creation prompts. They are really helpful and really neat and want to share.</strong>

4. Straightened my hair for the first time in years, must show the sister the pics....must talk to the sister at all because I wonder about her from time to time.

5. Should email the brother to encourage him again.

6. Have to call parents sometime tonight *le sigh*

7. Have lots and lots to do. Feel both overwhelmed and underwhelmed by the tasks. Am exicted and annoyed. Have been stalling and am not quite ready.

8. School is over whelming. Not a good think or a bad thing, just a thing. I like my classes and still find them a chore. Got my first A/ first grade back. Am pleased about it and at the same time I wonder if its earned of if the teacher's an easy grader. I can't help but doubt, me good or they are just easy?

9. Have been reading so much news and yet really nothing. Wanted to do a write up on the woman in West Virgina (or Virgina?) who was raped. But there is nothing to say, I mean, just wow. I'm surprised what happened isn't an auto hate crime, and I'm surprised about the victims bravery (she allowed her name and her mother's name to be printed). Don't know if that's ignorance or bravery. One thing to put your name there and say yes this happened to me yes I am not a faceless person and no I am not ashamed, why should I be ashamed. I was attacked, brutalized, and tortured. On the other side I feel like this woman might have allowed or been coerced to do something she wasn't ready to do or that wasn't in her best interest. I feel like the papers can be animals, especially towards people who aren't used to them. Everyone wants their gore. They aren't really interested in a story or in anything but increasing the human fascination with pain and destruction. But as much as I am sunshiny in person, I am very dark in my heart. Perhaps the papers had the best intentions, perhaps she hasn't put herself in danger through the information. Perhaps her whole life isn't about to be stripped bare and scrutinized within an inch of her life because she was abducted, held for a week, forced to each feces and drink toilet water, stabbed repetitively, raped, and strangled. People so easily lose sight of this to focus on something like “Well she wasn't living with her parents so...” or “well she did wear that...” or “well look at how many lovers she had” or even worse, “She was prone to abusive friends and relationships, maybe its time she really learned about abuse”. I get so angry when people say this, try to rationalize something that doesn't have rational. I know its a defense mechanism for some “She did these risky behaviors and I don't so I'm safe” or something to try to justify, but there is no justifying this. This was something she didn't want something that she didn't deserve.

10. I want to talk about the 16yr old threatening to rape a 12 yr old, but I don't know what to say. The coaches of the track team want to stress how good the girls were, and how composed they were. They stayed together as a group while running, they took down the license and they called the police. The police want to stress how sorry the 16yr old is now that he realizes that the girl was upset....HE SHOULD NEVER HAVE FUCKING SAID THAT!!!! It is always inappropriate even if she wasn't upset, rape is serious, it isn't something to joke about or trivialize. One in four men would rape if they knew they wouldn't be caught, and this little stat makes me sick, but it also makes me prone to believe those “I'll rape you” jokes. Sure I know they won't rape me, I don't really ever give people the chance (never am alone, always have a locked door...blah blah you name it I'm doing it to avoid that) but that you would joke about it, that you would find it funny or harmless, to me that makes you the one of four who would rape if you knew you'd get out of it. Seems though now a days discussing rape isn't serious, and the kid, with a juvenile record already, who last month was shooting paint balls at the same track team, who at the very least has anger issues and DOES seem to prey on younger girls got a slap on the wrist. No actions taken...what does this say to those girls now track coaches? That you can do ALL the right things and STILL be threaten, humiliated, and scared. Police will do nothing.

11. Southwest Airlines officially sucks. I mean come on. Neither of those women were wearing anything that is past the norm and you are hassling them for their outfit. I, like many others, can't help but notice that these women have large chests. As a buck some woman I can tell you that there is no pleasing people who accuse you of being provocative because of your chest. You wear a conservative button up shirt and everyone is whispering about how the buttons are straining. Where a turtle neck and people complain about how the fabric stretches. Wear a potatoe sack and you don't “care about you appearance” and are sloppy. What do you want any of us to do. I'll match the look that is appropriate but someone has to point it out first because there is no way I can help looking top heavy.

12. Lots of story idea. For Lauren I have a scene in the pediatric office. For my hunter I have a scene with him confronting a pack, and with Lily there is a nice drinking scene and then one at thanksgiving.

13. Got a poem too something about my desire to become one with the bed. “Desire to meld with the mattress” “Lying like a Log, Laziness in mind” “Desperate desire to escape into the oneness of a dead world” depressing I think might be the over all theme here though and I want funny or harsh or ironic or even a bit cruel. Don't want this sad self pitying lay down and disappear bullshit. I am worth more than that (really). There is something worth being here for (hopefully). I am not suffering (well not compared to other years, this one is really probably the best I've had since freshman year and in some ways its better). Its just that anger is easier to fuel me than a quiet desperation. Anger hurts and cuts but it pushes and demands. It numbs better that tender carefully guarded hope. Guess there isn't anything wrong but you know my own worries, concerns for things I am helpless to stop. I'm just waiting for it to fall in a few months. I hate being so completely pathetic. A year ago (sept 25) my friend wrote a poem for me, one that I still think applies (sadly). From my comments in lj that sadly don't carry over here:

    Jess, just:
    
    She wishes she were lesser
    and lesser, lesser still.
    She knows she could be so much more,
    The juxtoposition makes her ill.
    Impassioned, truly, for nothing...
    But yearns the unity passion suggests--
    She can fake it, oh she can fake it
    (But it's a heartache nonetheless.)
    
    Perhaps the restlessness will never leave?
    Inquisitive, objective...has a price.
    Life's a struggle, breathe just breathe...
    Tis a... comforting! No! Ineffective! Device...?
    
    Stop the analyzation.
    "But my saving grace would fall!"
    
    "No wait, but if, You see,
    A piece of you and them in me,
    Energy mine in those and this and of us all..."
    You shh, just shh, if shh
    Fuck it all///.

14. I'm thinking a lot about individuals. My energy has been focused on Kim because I can't decide how to feel about her. No question she is nice enough I will always be friendly to her, but what do I think. On one side she is friendly,easy to talk to, and she makes people feel welcomed like they belong. She has this passion and energy and still she isn't doing anything. She “works” many jobs where she doesn't do anything but place hold. I really value work, and while she's got a lot of good points I can't help but wonder if the action bely the words. Is she really empty and trying to convince people she's full? Does she really deserve the awesome recommendations she will get even though she didn't do the work? Are people who do this for her helping her or hurting her in the long run, because really if you aren't working and if you aren't helpful, shouldn't someone tell you that? After all it isn't really entirely her fault if no one has ever stopped and told her. Though to be honest I'm not big on sparing people's feelings for the sake of “kindness”, I think its really a disservice to that person. They have a right to know the truth and even if they hate you for it later, at least they can grow and move on. This “kindness” bull crap is why we have so many terrible want to be artists. No one has the balls anymore to say, “Hey you should scrap that, its great it means something to you but it isn't marketable and will never be marketable”, “You don't seem to have the skills”, “IF you want this you should do this” and so on. Everyone is all fake “its nice”, “I like it”, “it shows you and how you're feeling and therefor is art”. Just no, art is to some degree in the eye of the beholder but being a recognizable artist or actor or whatever is some degree talent, some degree luck, some degree connections, but also some degree managing to make something that is MARKETABLE that OTHERS like and value. It has personal meaning, great, I'm the public and I'm telling you it sounds terrible.

15. Thinking a lot of Ian too. He and eye are similar. He has more talent and he's crashed more than me, but we are the same. So much potential, so much smarts and talent and we are wasting it all. We probably piss the hell out of people. Ian just makes me sad because he is suffering and I know it. I know why, and in my secret heart of hearts I agree with what he feels. I feel it so deep in my own being, and it has cut me in the same way its broken him. He's better with wording it, but he caught on later than I did. This little dark cloud has been part of me, an idea forming since second grade. Couldn't name it then and I certainly can't really articulate it now, but for Ian its been all at once. Some time I'll have to quote him because I know that pain. It makes me sad that he sees it because it is a confirmation that I'm not crazy but that there is something wrong, and it makes me more sad because the realization is destroying him and he could give and be so very much. There's nothing I can do about that though, try to be there if he needs me I guess.

16. Haven't seen AJ much and want to keep it that way. In small doses he can be colorful but large ones he is a depression. Plus I don't have to worry about him too much, he's doing well in school, he's always doing well in school.

17. Saw Kevin Friday at a party. I was all dressed up and he looked right through me like I didn't exist. Of course I was giving my scared as hell deer caught in the head lights, hide behind or in the bf face. And honestly he does scare me. He is violent and I know that being with Pines could have only encouraged this. He is a drunk and I know he is a cruel one. He has hurt me in ways that I'm not sure will ever heal. Zac seems to sense these kind of things because his whole body posture changes. No matter how drunk or sober we are, he seems to recognize the threat this boy and the whole frat/sorority is in my head (possibly in real life there have been confrontations, but none of them have been so bad that they justify this throat closing sweat inducing terror). They don't confront me (haven't actually since early November of last year). They don't acknowledge me at all actually, and I don't acknowledge them. Sometimes this is sad because friendly acquaintances have joined this group after our break up and gone from willingly holding conversations with me to giving terse and hesitant nods. Sometimes I wonder what he says that does this to them. Sometimes I am afraid I know. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just being too sensitive. Though if I'm sensitive to this, my bf is more sensitive because once in a while (it is rare because I am such an observant paranoid person) he stiffens before I do. He pulls me close and his eyes get guarded. It's these times that I know he isn't reacting just to me and how I react but to the actual presence and stare of these people where I get most sad. It would be more tolerable if I could convince myself that its all in my head.

18. Anyhow, we left Friday's party early. This is part from Pines, part because we had a friend who was new to the scene and wanted to leave (we'd have left with her just because she wanted to go, but it certainly helped that I wanted to get the hell out), we left because suddenly I didn't want to be in a crowded dark place drinking gross punch and pretending to be someone I'm just not. We left because the cigarette smoke was so thick in the air I thought I'd be sick. We left because Zac is a good boy and all I have to say is that I want to go and we should tell the others before taking off and he handles everything for me. He never questions the distress, just lets me babble happily with my friend while we walk home while I wonder what happened and why I got like that. Later when everyone is in bed he just holds me and lets be be comforted by his presence. So good not to push me to talk about things he wants to know, questions and insecurities I may have placed in his mind that he deserves better than.

19. Lucky's b-day was significantly less emotional an affair. On Wednsday we went out and just had a good time at the bar. Played some games got the guitar to place “Sweet Caroline” and “Journey” because everyone's first night as 21 drinking should include these songs. Drank sex on the Beaches, two to be exact and was very much drunk. Had the boy finished the last one and we left. Asked Lucky to come back with us (lives with me) but she wasn't ready to go. Learned later we should have insisted. Knew she was drunk but thought she should take care of herself, make her own choices. She got back alone (not cool) and then was sick by herself (even less cool). If we'd taken her at midnight she could probably have avoided the sick and the walk home alone, even if it isn't a long one, is one no one should do late at night. Still it was nice to have the boy to myself. I like being places with him and sharing him but I love having him all to myself. I am such a sappy girl with the adoration of cuddling close and whispering little secrets and he seems to be satisfied with just that too. I've never dated a boy who's been so patient, who completely lacks a set of demands or an agenda. I really like it.

20. Want to talk about Harry Potter some, but I'm still working on it </a></a>the_willow has inspired it but its still all jumbled and senseless. Maybe I'll hit that in a list later.</strong>

21. Saw the “unknown” works of Claude Monet. Some of these “unknowns” were really famous and well known even to me. Some of them were charicterures though and I thought those were pretty cool not only because it was early on in Monet's life but because some of them were copied from the paper, other were clearly inspired by a cartoonist and still others were just done for himself. It was interesting to see Monet's hand at cartoons. Was surprised by all the crayon drawings, I know they were just a tool before Crayola came along and stigmatized them, I really still adore crayon now, there are a couple neat things you can do with them (though I suppose that this isn't anything that would be “great” art. Also the Clark is really a place for rich people. I come to this conclusion because well there were so many really expensive cars. I recognized the BMWs and Mercades and the arrogance in the drivers.

22. We talked about Porches, which is a hotel in town that is one of the top ten hotels in the world to stay at. It is weird to think about that because well, its in the least well off part of town. It is facing this worn dead mill and the houses in the surrounding area are run down and some of them are clearly running drug operations. I wouldn't walk alone on the streets there, and somehow this is a nice environment for a hotel....I don't know I mean I like to feel safe at the hotel and on hotel grounds and I want to see something pretty, Porches fails these. Though apparently rich people like this whole thing. They want to see squalor and I don't enjoy viewing from behind glass where they eat their gourmet breakfast, whatever, its weird.

Think that might be all I have right now though. Meh. There you are tons of words for you all to enjoy and possibly marvel at or not. Just some of the endless thoughts I didn't know how else to get out. Hope this takes the edge off me a bit.