August 2012




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Nov. 1st, 2010

Throw on the Black Dress

Mar. 18th, 2010

Updates Updates Updates

Life is a little better. I'm still having trouble getting out of bed, but sunshine is infectious in a good way. Went to the doctors and they've confirmed there is nothing medically wrong with me blood work and all. I did blood work but not scans. The doc didn't feel it was likly there was anything to see, after all I have known "mood issues" that show up in odd ways all the time. My mother has decided I look ill, and that's not encouraging. She is intentionally the last person I let in on mood drops if I have any control at all on the situation. Even when she does her best to help (and half the time she is "helping") we just are too different from each other. She might have empathy but she doesn't do the meaningful relating part well.

I've been wearing a lot of make-up and jewelry recently, I want a nice new style that sticks (or shops the funk out or at least makes me look incredibly put together so no one will notice what I don't want them to notice). I've been growing my hair out some. I like it at the length it's at this moment or maybe a tad longer, but I don't think I want anything past my ears ever again. I was looking at old pictures to help find some young Kyle pics for graduation. Seems that while my long hair was beautiful, it was never beautiful on me (at least not in any of the pictures I can find). There's this jump between my mid back length hair and my curled to my ears hair in Senior and it's just like, 'Oh, there I am.' The other long haired girl is obviously me too, but I was looking for that happier more self assured person and even though in almost all my pictures I have this put upon forced smile--but I look sooooo much better without the hair.

I wonder where I picked up that weird picture pose. Emma is always thrilled to be in pictures she's in the middle of almost all of them striking cute excited "look at me" poses that I know no one coached her into. There's several pictures she wasn't meant to be in but she jumped into last minute fully posed and ready to go. It's humorous really.

My brother has a few forced pics but most of them are him caught off guard in delight and general pleasure.

I'm sulky or forced happy. Most of the time I find a way to turn my head away. Dunno the three of us are so very different no one can ever accuse my mom or dad of trying to make us similar or coach us to a certain way of being (or they could be it obviously was very ineffective).

In other news: I love that new song "Mountain Men" by Crash Kings. No idea what it means, a lot of people online seem to think it's some kind of kink sexy. I think its really just about two people out hiking and adventuring spontaneously and enjoying life though. It made me think of the rockies and living out that way even before I saw the music video. I also like how the chorus talks about "sipping sunshine", it makes me wonder if sunshine is the antithesis of moonshine (booze) and does that mean they are drunk on life or the experience of being out there alive and moving or is sunshine some kind of code for another drug? Dunno I love the song and it's possibilities.

I finally updated firefox and I love the personalities app. Currently enjoying random pretty anime theme. If anyone knows of a good personality theme for escaflowned, FFX, FFX-2, Samurai Shamploo, Mars, Boys Over Flowers, or anything Clamp let me know. I'd love that.

AO3 updated and I have a profile pick. I'm using the Dollhouse "Pimps and Killers (in a Philanthropic way) by hobbitofkobol. It really doesn't fit with the fic I read, the comments I leave, or the works I'm writing write now but the bold colors and the cheek suits me right now. The more I play on AO3 the more I love it. Right now I'm getting into several Watchmen fics, which I'd never have read any Watchmen fics without AO3. They're interesting and I like the different little snips of the original comic that people include. What I've been reading has sort of made me want to write a little drabble for something. Just a 100-500 word tack on to something, but I haven't isolated exactly what or where I want to say something, so I'm waiting.

Speaking of "Watchmen" I know it makes me a huge geek but I really want to see that movie "Kick-Ass". It looks like it could be really enjoyable. I love the names of the super heroes "Kick Ass" , "Red Mist", "Hit Girl" and "Big Daddy". Full of win. I love Hit Girl's costume too, I mean that wig is to die for. I like how she comes out of no where in the commercials and is somehow the most violent and aggressive of the superheros. I also like that Kick Ass is the geeky sort of weak looking guy who takes a serious beating when he dresses up and seems to just get up and keep going. Dunno, I've always been fascinated with regular people transforming themselves into some kind of idealization. Super heroes in particular seem to mean something culturally to me. I like to think it's similar to how mythology might have spoken to people of their day, rising about the mundane world to be something more. Choosing or feeling obligated to do this large task that it seems like no one else could or would do that still needs to be done. It goes along with my fixing people thing I guess.

Later today I'm going to help my tutor child and see how they did on their test. I really really hope it went well, but I have some reservations about several parts of the test that I don't think he managed to perform swimmingly on. I've only been working with him since Saturday and I have some worries that Mom's expectations. This might be my last session and its too bad because there is a lot I know I've done well and more I could do. Then again he might have aced the test or perhaps I haven't given mom enough credit in recognizing the limit to what I can do on short notice.

Cosi and I are not getting along but then that shouldn't be a surprise. They had me work all seven days last week which led me to a new vow not to ever go into work on days off. They've been a little annoyed about that new secret promise, and I suppose it's so common that I come in they think it's part of my job description. Well they can see all the help I've been in a more concrete way now I would hope or at least they will. If not, screw 'em they have shown no consideration for me, there is no reason for me to show them consideration.

Along these lines the kids at Cosi's were having a conversation about their preferences in a sexual partner, and I may have been too blunt in stating some thoughts I'd had. One of my co-workers whose nice to me but possibly a questionable person starting going on about how he was exicted that spring was coming up because there would be bikini shots of the ladies soon. He was encouraging one of my co-workers to post bikini shots in her facebook and she retorted with a you must like Asian chicks cause I have no rack and most guys who like Asians like the stereo typically flat chested girl. The male in question retorted that he would be the judge of what she had to offer in a swim suit.

At this point in time I cut in with the whole "it has nothing to do with how you look and everything to do with how male co-worker A feels like he's sneaking something on the fly by checking out girls he believes are wholesome, young, or minimally unsuspecting. He doesn't like women he likes the idea of having power over women and defiling them or their purity. He likes to think that he has power over you and viewing your pictures in his home and jacking off or even commenting on your general appeal is a power play that thanks to the internet he's allowed to indulge. It's also why he can't seem to get any in real life because women recognize that and generally find it gross." I probably shouldn't have said that (or at least left of the last part anyhow), but really how often am I supposed to listen to the strip club, "I want a young girl to train", "It's technically legal", "it's not stalker-ish if it's freely posted" before I lost it? That the female co-worker is still too young/inexperienced to get what was going on (none of the nudge nudge wink wink behavoir was in play) really just ticked me off.

I can't stop this guy from being a grungy asshole, but really I shouldn't have to listen to it for at least an hour every day either. If this makes him think twice before opening his gross mouth then good for me I think. I guess I don't regret it or feel bad at all then. Well I hope it doesn't negatively affect my job then.

Feb. 10th, 2010

I Know You Too Well

Dear Various Members of Cosi Staffing,

I know you. I know your motivations and thoughts and feelings and personalities. I know far more about your lives than you will probably ever know about mine. And so I would kindly like you to stop before I turn the knowledge I've gathered into weapons.

I get that generally speaking your a group of miserable people. You live at home with your parents and never plan on leaving them or getting a self sustaining job or getting the training for a self sustaining job. Most of you can't be bothered to get insurance even though there is a fine for not having it.

You think a good night is one where you get so drunk you can't remember anything. Not remembering is apparently better than living your life.

You go to strip clubs where you harass the strippers and take liberties that are creepy, threatening, and get you kicked out of the clubs. Yes you are the jack asses that make that racket particularly miserable.

When some one joking implies you aren't hot (not that you are unattractive just that you are not the epitome of masculinity) you retort that at least you wouldn't beat the person senseless. Then you stare at a co-worker whom you believe dated/is dating at guy with domestic abuse charges on record. Because what might have happened to her is funny or what might have happened proved she's at fault/has a low standard/should be grateful about your magnanimous generosity you've shown by not beating her senseless. You're outraged when she is defensive and moody with you after this.

When a co-worker knowingly makes a sex joke where they are the butt of said sex joke, instead of laughing and moving on you feel the need to twist that joke around on them. To make like one small "that sounded wrong" joke speaks volumes to them personally and that there sex life is who they are and that if one can see innuendo then they must be sluts.

While one male co-worker can talk about conquests and one night stands and everyone wants to hear every detail. Everyone wants to congradulate them. Everyone thinks it's wonderful and gives extra kudos when they hear the girl was sixteen and drunk while the male is twenty-two. That's all still fine. No one even blinks.

These comments will encourage several of you to go farther and express desire for another co-worker's younger sister (who is fourteen). You will talk about how she is a tease who knows what she's doing and is definitely interested. You will talk about how she is the same as her older sister except younger and therefor better. You have no problem with saying several of these nasty things in front of the co-worker who's sister is the topic of this conversation. You are surprised she doesn't take this as a compliment to both herself and the sister.

When a female co-worker likes flirting and maybe more, not that anyone is sure because she has never mentioned it or brought it to work with her, there is endless gossip out how she's a horrible slut. How she will sleep with anyone. How she looks for love in all the wrong places. How she should pick up men her own age (because flirting with men eighteen-twenty when you're twenty four is apparently obscene).

None of this is to say that you don't have redeeming qualities. I've seen you be kind and thoughtful. You are a good honest worker and no matter what kind of fucked up life you have at home, I would pick you to be on the team during a lunch rush. You have good taste in music and it's quite cute when you burst into spontaneous song. You let me ramble on about random loosely related topics you probably have little interest in least manage to appear interested. You never snap at me when I make mistakes or when a customer is being fussy and I'm the messenger bring back the third plate of food to you.

You aren't bad people, you've just bought some bad shit. I don't hate you, I don't even dislike you except keenly in patches when you're being an unintended tool.

And now we come to the main point. You are smart enough to know not to treat me like several other female co-workers. Objectification and gossiping to my face would never be tolerated. Flirting past the most generic versions or the most startled exclamations would be violently rejected. You are smart enough to leave me out of that, though sometimes I relate to and act in a perfect mimicry of the women who work at Cosi who you're sure like that attention. I suppose my appearance and that warning edge I have when we tread into that territory effectively send the hint.

You should not take my appearance vs my ability to occasionally appear in ways you find more pleasurable as a right to ask why/how I've done "this" to myself. You make it sound like wearing glasses and having short hair are the same as scarring myself. Don't ever say with wonder and awe that I'm a very pretty girl. Don't tell me how I'm not what you expect and how I completely befuddle you. Don't burden me with confusing revelations that you like me/ are attracted to me even though I am physically and maybe mentally so many things you don't like in women or in people in general.

I won't be flattered. I won't help you wade through your hang ups and ridiculous standards. I won't be interested in having a relationship with you. I don't think we're meant to be together because your attraction to me transcends all your natural inclinations. And I sure as hell am not breaking down a list of my personal choices and why I made them. Maybe I like my hair short. It's easy to take care of, it looks good, and it has the added bonus of usually keeping asshole like you from hitting on me (it still would if we didn't work together so often that you've gotten past the all of "this" that I've done to myself). Because I dress in a way I find pleasing, and I don't give a damn what men or women or anyone else thinks about the look.

Anyhow the point isn't "don't talk to me" the point is "don't ask me ridiculously stupid and insulting questions". Because the first thing that comes to mind when you ask me these things isn't flattery or the fact that maybe this will lead to growth for you, it's all those gross ugly unmentionables I started this rant with. I think of those and I think of the idea that you might like me or find me pretty and I feel like somehow I've taken part in something very dirty. So next time you want to say something nice to me, please don't. Thanks!


Jan. 21st, 2010

A Few Questions I Haven't Seen Asked or Answered

The m/m debate is really confusing for me. Partly because even when people are talking about something they are labeling as slash, they seem to be talking only about m/m.

While I must be the slowest person on the face of the planet it took me a few weeks to figure out if we were talking about bookstore works or fanfiction. If we were talking about professional writing or posted online communities. If we were talking about women who were openly honest about their gender, women who hid behind a male name or initials in their name to get published/read, or women whom had actually created a biography in which they are gay men.

Beyond that I couldn't figure out if we were talking about the actual going ons in the stories (stereotypes, hurtful tropes, lack of understanding regarding the mechanics, an obviously gendered tone of description) or if we were talking about real world repercussions of women telling men's stories.

All that stuff makes a difference to how I see what's going on. To me all those discrepancies and many more make a huge difference in how I see and respond to complaints and concerns.

So full disclosure: I'm a bi/genderqueer/cis female and I'm not going to explain further than that. I read and write fanfiction. I also occasionally read and write original erotica (though I don't sell any) of all varieties and flavors. I don't want to talk about fiction for sale in this post. I want to talk about fanfiction and/or original created not for profit/sale (i.e. adultfanfiction's original works section and other spaces like it).

I don't really want to talk about m/m or slash I want to talk about threesomes. Are threesomes considered slash and sometimes m/m or f/f? Does it matter is while the relationship is clearly between three people, there are sometimes scenes between just two of the three characters? Does a mixed gender threesome vs a single gender threesome make a difference? Are there things that are acceptable in a duo that make you cringed when worked into a trio?

Look I know that as a non-straight female I'm not really welcome in the m/m debate. As a bi person I'm not sure whether I count as gay or straight when it comes to culture, community, the voices I'm allowed to "represent" or identify in. I've caught myself a few times when I wanted to post correction about the benefits or commonness of idea x in straight culture or the problems y facing the gay comm. After all it's easy enough to say I picked up whatever on the other side of the attraction line. I catch myself wanting to explain the kind of discrimination I've experienced as a person perceived to be a lesbian, but I don't know if it was lesbian hatred or women hatred and I don't want other people to tell me which it is, that if I wasn't x I would or would not still see that kind of hate.

I was mostly tired of the whole thing. There's a lot of fail in how the debate has been formed that makes me feel like very little productive can come out of it. The topic is too massive (all the different factors and more I labeled above) and the exclusion of a large group of people (you know everyone who's not a gay male or straight female) has created the unbridgeable rift that doesn't exist or at least I don't think exists in the terms these debates are creating.

Then, it occurred to me that I haven't seen anything about threesomes. It all seems focused on m/m or f/f pairing and I wondered if it had a place that had been excluded here too. I'll admit that I'm more interested in threesomes than slash because I prefer reading and writing it to other varieties. That my fannish interest is that I see threesomes as more apparent, more natural and more interesting. And threesomes definitely result in dialogues regarding a non-conformist sexuality. The people involved face not just gender norms but general relationship norms and in few possibly no contexts have I seen anyone be able to have a threesome that's public and long lasting (emotional and not just a sexual fling) without the need to explain/justify/ deal with shit/ How realistic these stories are to the real world and the exact nature of explanations it entails are very different but except for an original work called The Nomads of Trilos (even then there was an explanation to how this kind of relationship was the norm in said culture and why) explanations were needed and threesomes were exceptions and not the rule.

I dunno I see some connections and I was just chasing how far those connections were and whether any of it is relevant at all.

Jan. 3rd, 2010

Domestic Abuse Support- You're Doing It Wrong

Dec. 29th, 2009

Isms in Fandom and the On Going Meta-Fandom Inspired Debate

I'm probably going to royally mess this thought stream up, but I'm going to go for it anyway.

I read metafandom fandomroundup and a ton of fannish related stuff all the time. I rarely comment but I still read comments too. It sort of comforts me and reminds me of an edgy more modern lit class. I like when people tear things to bits and point out flaws and praise and explanations and all that goodness. It's what I've always loved about reading, it's what's got me loving tv and other media we're all viewing together at the moment.

I really only started fandom about two years ago and at that time racism, feminist, sexuality, gender issues ablism and so on where huge in fandom (or in the fandom I was reading anyhow). It seemed to be a new and fresh development that everyone was wading into. It clicked as a familar element from a ton of feminist blogs I was reading and couldn't get enough of and seemed both welcoming and interesting to me.

People spoke about how these issues would get old. How we should soak up praise while we could because the silencing would move in. The trends would change and heck no one would care about the isms any more. I was familiar with the thought. Bitch and other magazines examined this in aspects of feminism all the time. How book publishers are only interested in one variety of minority story at a time and once they move on, those stories disappear. How in the movement there is silencing, racism, fear, and in some cases what looks like hatred. Feminism isn't perfect and in many places it's as mean and ugly and dark as any aspect of the "rest" society can be. It takes part in the same crimes it complains of to different groups of others and whether feminism wants to talk about it or do something about it comes in little inconsistent circles too.

Anyhow, it seems to me that isms have finally become "old" in fandom, at least for the time being. The sheer number of posts either defending or declaiming their right to write and share in common spots really says all that needs to be known.

Its odd for me because I feel like I've been on both sides of this argument before. Acknowledging and discussing problems in out media is important. Awareness can go a long way to not stepping on someones toes, at least not doing so on purpose. Fandom is a nice safe place to do that because the people and the actions are all fiction and no one should be personally involved in what's happened/happening.

Beyond that, I like the balance between serious real world conversation and hey do you think a Topher Boyd slash would be insanely yummy or are they too clashy to be slashy?

On the other side I can see where people feel like they are talking about non-ism issues and feel burdened when it's "imposed" in the conversation. Like if we were listing the pros and cons of Topher/Boyd and then someone jumped in with some "you know what they say about black quys" like thing, and someone rightly jumped on the "that's racist" bandwagon and suddenly we've got a slash pairing post all about the constructs of power and how if Boyd is in the more "feminized" position for sex that has to do with racism or it could have to do with racism or in some cases it definitely does have to do with racism where others get it right and so on and so on.

Personally I'm all about those convos, they parallel convos about female characters and sexism so closely that I feel like it's the same conversation with different words. I generally know where I stand but love when people present that which I haven't thought about.

For me my hot button is in cultural approbation convos. We're all talking about anime this or manga that and suddenly we're told the whole media is racist. To be fair I know that animes and mangas are Americanized. I do like talking about the differences in Japanese to American versions and what those nuances mean or don't mean. Sometimes I can tell before it's pointed out to me where stuff was changed and it didn't sit well. Likewise, I know the big round eyes and weird hair colors sometimes white wash over race, sometimes I can't figure out gender from the sketches even.

I get that some people take this for granted. I get that I probably don't see exactly how bad this is and some of not seeing it might be my refusal to look or acknowledge it. I do what I can from where I am in my own life. Cultural approbation seems like one of those things that being aware of it isn't enough but there isn't anything I can do about it either. I can't stop it, my refusal to purchase it stops my enjoyment from the watered down bit I can get but won't shut down an industry or show disapproval.

Heck stopping real world approbation doesn't help. From what I've gathered on open cultures (closed cultures is another story) it's not that white people eat their food, wear their clothes, or partake in their activities that's the problem. It's that people of the culture who choose to partake in their own culture are seen as outcasts and picked on for what is cool and chic for white folk to do. It's not that white people like and know something about the culture that's the problem, it's that sometimes they romantized, get over zealous, and correct actual people born and raised in that culture that's the problem.

How to I stop or counter balance that? How can my awareness be enough when the damage is done long before I get on the scene? How would my not enjoying aspects of said culture help the problem and how could I encourage environments where natives of said culture could return to their practices if they wanted to without penalty? It's too big and makes me feel too helpless.

So when I want to talk about Naruto and someone comes in to tell me the whole premise is a race fail, I don't know what to say. "I know" seems as if it would dismissive or imply that I didn't care at all. I care, I just don't know what to do. I know magna for many people is the straw that broke the camel's back. There is so much media bombarding them with ism and this one media was too much.

I get that. I have that one media being "too much" problem too. Right now the existence of Avatar is my "too much" media. A sci-fi where the white men come in and destroy hapless sentient natives because they are "in the way" even though it's those people's planet what they know and want is irrelevant and meaning less because they aren't really people -- it is too much. That white guy becoming the native and having a Pocahontas like romance where he betrays but doesn't the female lead is too much. I can't see that movie no matter what the might be awesome is in it. I can't deal with conversations that seem to skim over the many many many problems with the basic plot. I'm sure some maybe most of the people who partake in those convos know where the problems are, I bet some of them aren't trying to ignore or talk around them, they just don't want to have to deal with them head on all the time when they talk about the movie either. My going in there to throw a "this is wrong" fit will not help those people and it probably won't reach those who really don't think there's anything wrong.

To conclude this rant: people who think there's too many isms posts should avoid them and spend less time complaining and more time actually writing new and interesting (or old but still worthwhile) posts on topics of their choice.

People who are all about an ism camp or at least partially involved in one, where do you stand on saying something within a less serious fannish about x ism? Do you jump in full force immediately as soon as the topic isn't addressed? Do you look for a pattern of comments or one particularly nasty comment to address? Do you say something all the time or are you silent most of the time?

For people who want just a fluff post or a fluff conversation how do they phrase or moderate such a conversation to minimize ism outside of the story arch?

For me personally I prefer an acknowledgment within the first post that shows awareness of potential ism and serious material but clearly states that this post is for discussing specific area X. That there is a lot surrounding it that deserve their own posts for discussion but you want to focus on x today. This kind of focus lets me write my own post about my ism issue and usually steers commenter clear of murky hurtful waters.

It helps if the journal owner keeps tabs on the conversation too. When someone starts veering, putting the convo back on track and immediately shutting down hurtful trends that sometimes occur. If focus is shifting too much either starting a separate post for it, directing someone to another persons post on it, or encouraging others to make a post on it.

Thoughts, feelings, concerns, stuff I skipped or did badly at?

Nov. 9th, 2009

1984 Thoughts so Far

"V for Vendetta" both the movie and the graphic novel did it sooo much better. "1984" is one of those books that so far (I'm only a fourth of the way through part three) could have benefited from major editing. I mean this tome goes on and on and on on on about doublespeak. I got the concept the first eighty times. Seriously, the book dedicates over twenty pages and two separate sections to the idea of doublespeak.

Also, I love a good metaphysical discussion as much as the next person, but how long can a dude talk about the realities of history? Some of it might just be that I don't think our current history records or our current reporting styles are so pristine that I can get too worked up about the Ministry of Truth's work. It's bad sure, I don't know if destroys objective history (as such a thing doesn't exist) or if it would bring every aspect of my life and personal thoughts into question.

Whole swaths of women's history and non-white people's history is still trying to be pieced together and learned. Whether or not we know it or understand it doesn't change that it happened.

In the neo-pagan movement one of the many questions that has to be faced if you want to use British witch-craft as a source or Wicca outer court material is whether the history matters. After all, the creations there are new with faked older lineage. If the material is valid regardless of age the good for you and if it's not good, then it's just not going to work with you.

Winston is horrified by something that we all deal with to a certain degree. Maybe it's just one of those horrors you have to be there to really understand-though if that's the case then maybe 1984 shouldn't have relied so heavily on it.

On a completely different note, how come all these super controlled societies are run by men and questioned only by men? I know what you're going to say, Juila is the catalyst for Winston's true rebellion. Without her, Winston would have just gone on being unhappy and frustrated and probably would have one day given himself away without ever experiencing any of the joy of rebellion.

I like Julia. She sneaks around eating good food pilfered from the elite's store. She sleeps with whomever she pleases. She knows where the safe areas are to go to talk or relax. She knows how to hide in plain sight and she can pick out others who are probably doing the same. Why the hell didn't we start the book off with someone who was frustrated with society and doing something about it the way Julia was? Seriously Winston is just a hopeless little whiner before Julia comes along and he would have stayed that way without her.

What gets me the most about the whole situation is even though Winston "loves" Julia and even though he would be nothing without her, he still looks down on her. She doesn't "care" about The Party's motives or larger goals. Julia doesn't get into a froth over who the party is at war with. She's not surprised that they go back and change information to suit their goals and needs, but she's not horrified either.

Of course, Julia doubts the reality of a war at all, something Winston never even considers. She believes The Party is a bunch of liars but she just doesn't care about what the truth is as it doesn't affect her. Julia believes these things are nebulous and far away compared to immediate concerns over the quality of life.

Winston is on such a high horse about the big issues. Something has to be done. The truth has to be preserved. Would he even care if his quality of life hadn't been impacted?

Beyond that, realistically what is Winston going to do? What can anyone in a society set up as Oceania do? Julia is smart enough to see that her acts of rebellion are probably the limit. You could escape into the proles maybe and then create unrest among them strong enough to cause a revolt, though it seems unlikely as Winston doesn't have the skills or the understanding he'd need to do that. You could stand up publicly in the middle of Oceania against Big Brother and be taken and hope other would follow you example, hope somehow that enough people would protest that the thought police couldn't take them all.

It's a hopeless scenario, sometimes surviving and surviving with some private joys has to be enough.

Another thing why would you trust Charrington? Seriously has Winston ever been in another party building without a telescreen? Did he really believe that The Party let people choose to install them and you know Charrington never found the time or didn't have the money or something?

And why wouldn't Charrington have brought Winston in when Winston first bought the journal or when Winston came back for the paperweight or the first time he and Julia met in the room? How much thought crime did he have to show before he got busted? I thought these people just pulled you off the street for looking at people wrong and now they take their sweet time messing with Winston before they take him in. Heck why didn't O'Brien bring him in at his apartment? It all seems really pointless to me.

Winston seemed far too afraid of pain to really be interested in a change. He cowers at the sight of the thought police. He obeys them even though he knows death and pain are unavoidable. I guess fear can do that to you, but all those words about going down swinging and doing anything to attack at the party seem really hollow when he won't even show rebellion or resistance in the face of what is certain death. How long has he been insisting that he is the dead already only to be suddenly afraid all over again when he has to face it?

Some of the torture seems uninspired and I think that Orwell didn't give human resistance enough credit. He made the human spirit's will to live unbelievably strong and yet it's ability to resist change through brutality is unexplored. I don't know, maybe Orwell was on the ball and people completely collapse all the time the minute torture is implemented. I've been led to believe that torture doesn't work partially because people won't give up correct information or any information even.

One thing Orwell did really well was talk about how once someone breaks they will tell you anything to stop the pain. I liked that Winston just confessed and confessed and confessed. I also like the scene where the one emaciated dying man begs to avoid room 101 and says he will tell them anything so long as he knows what to repeat to them.

It's still a chilling read and it's worth the time, I just think it could have been edited some is all. The book really only has 150 pages of plot and general thought in it worth reading the rest of it seems be be repetition because Orwell thought we should be beaten over the head with a concept that is easy to grasp.

Nov. 8th, 2009

Dollhouse: I think I know what upset me so much in the most recent ep.

Sep. 9th, 2008

Feministe Lipstick Feminist Post Response I guess

I had been on break from feminist blogs for the past month or so.  That happens from time when I get news over load or when I start to feel like I'm reading the same thing over and over again.   I'm tenatively back to reading them. 

Anyhow, my favs are feministe, shakesville, and curvature.  I have another 17 or so that I follow more or less regularly and depending on my mood and the kinds of coverage, I jump favorites too. 

And this is still not on topic.  I really need better focusing skills. 

Anyhow Renee has been blogging over at feministe, though she also blogs at womanist musings.  I always read her posts because I either really agree or really don't with her take.  I find that her style can be really grating, but usually when I stop and really think about why I have a problem with her posts, I learn something new about me or my views.  So keep being conroversial Renee.  

But yes, she's written a post about what she calls
Lipstick Feminism vs Dressing the Part".  I just want to start out by saying that I find the whole premises somewhat insulting.  I know there are feminists who find fashion empowering and feminists who view it as another control instrument for the patriarchy.   I know these women often clash bitterly.  Names are called and feelings are hurt. 

I still think that calling any person or any group a "lipstick feminist" is insultig.  I mean what a person chooses to wear is their choice and even when people do take time and care with their appearance, it doesn't mean that their looks are their main focus, as labeling them by their grooming seems to imply. 

Also drawing a division of either or is a huge problem.  I know "fashion feminists"  and for them it's about looking and feeling good.  They've got quite a few pieces in their wardrobes that  they lik and other women like, but men seem to abhor.  It's hard to argue that these women are slaves to the male gaze (not that women wearing outfits both genders like are).  I also know women who balance comfort and fashion or who acknowledge that some comformity is needed to live in society.  There is a range and I think that most women realize that how one dresses, like many other topics is a CHOICE thing.  Just like choosing to keep an unplanned pregnancy doesn't make you anti-feminist, choosing to wear whatever doesn't make you anti-feminist. 

Another language problem I have is the use of "cat fight".  I know Renee states in the work that she hesitates to use the word, but that's not enough.  Cat fight is a term generally used to lessen or demean conflicts and issues women have with other women.  I don't think its really acceptable to use it, especially on a topic that is stereo-typed as being "cat fightish" the lipsticks vs the baggy shirts and whatever.   I don't know the same person who brought us the post on words used to "silene", "discredit", or "belittle" using those words strikes me as wrong.  

Past the language, Renee has a point and I think it's important to make.  It has me a little sore because as of late, I'll I've heard about is my privledge, but no one seems to be offering things I can do to about that.  I think something that people forget too sometimes (not necissarily Renee, this is more general) that what I can do is limited.  I can't afford to buy sweat shop labor free clothes.  Maybe one or two pieces but not a whole collection.  Even then, where do I go for said clothing that is both fairly mainstreamish, would fit me, and wouldn't break my budget? 

Where is the money to convert from my "gas guzzler" car (which I never considered a Crown Vic to be) to an eco friendly car?   How can anyone expect me to eat food that was grown "earth friendly" and would be better for me?  I mean I can't do it all. 

I have a ton of privledge, no questions, but every cause wants me to step up.  I have to balance all the needs and my personal needs too.  I find it preachy and presumptious on people in general's part to tell me how I should live and to tell me what I have that I should strive to do better with.  I'm doing the best I can.  I like to think that most people are.  However I can't give or give up for all causes either.  Just a thought.  

Jul. 6th, 2008

Long rambly entry that pretty much covers internet and real life in odd patches

Apr. 25th, 2008

Sort of Relieved and Still Not

Notes before reading:

1. Currently, I've got an Amanda vs dissenting voice tone.  This isn't because Amanda is alone in her struggle and has no allies.  She has many, I'd go so far to that she might have more allies than BFP does.  The reason the tone is Amanda vs. dissenting voices is because Amanda is much more visible in discussion and debate than BFP.  In many cases that I've read Amanda is dealing more with BFP advocates that BFP herself.  In rereading my writing it occurred to me that I might be setting up a tone that sounded like one person was being ganged up on.  I'm not sure how to fix this other than state up front that this is not the case.  Sorry that I couldn't think of a better way around this problem.

For those people who follow feminist blogs even passingly, I'm sure you know the Amanda Marcotte situation.  For those who don't, let me summarize what I've gathered.  My understanding of what happened is that Amanda wrote an article on Alternet about immigration and it's relation to feminism.  This is an issue that while recently becoming "trendy" has been discussed a lot by on many WOC blogs, BFP's (or brownfemipower) blog especially.  Many people felt that Amanda had taken the ideas from BFP and others without properly crediting them.  Amanda has since responded hostilely to these claims and insisted that all her inspiration came from different conference speakers.

I wish that she had just apologized and credited these other bloggers for all their work and effort, and at the same time I can understand why she didn't.  She really does think (or at least writes as if she really does think) that she didn't draw any ideas from these people's works and maybe she didn't (I don't know how her mind works).  She did feel very threatened by the attacks on her writing integrity and she should because they are serious attacks and something that could sink a just starting career.  The other side is that I'm sure everyone was aware of how serious the claims were and I'm sure they weren't just idly made. 

Obviously many people were unhappy with her response.  I didn't read BFP's blog when it was up, but the cases people present for approbation of ideas are compelling.  I know that I personally read a lot of people's works and definitely work off of them in ideas, direct responses and what not.  I don't always source back because sometimes I don't realize I've done it until later or I don't remember who wrote what.  If it had been me, I'd have been hurt by the accusation, but I probably would have given in and credited the other people because my mind is a sloppy place and for me it would probably true that BFP planted the seedling idea in my head even if I hadn't solidified it until after seeing several conferences and having time to reflect and think.  My brain takes a lot of process time and requires a lot of sources and views to help me work out kinks and sometimes I don't realize who jump started what because by the time I come to a conclusion, it's so far removed from the original whatever that sparked it I just don't think on it.  To be safe, when an issue like that is brought to my attention, if there's even a chance, I'd throw credit in. 

Amanda either thinks there isn't a chance or she doesn't work as I do on those sort of issues.  I was much more sympathetic to her case before she started commenting on Holly's feministe post on the subject, but after she started calling people right wing nuts using smoke and fire tactics I started losing some of that sympathy.  I understand she felt attacked and people react strongly toward that, but I think it's really condescending to just dismiss someone else's sincere problem or concern as being a crazy or a war starter or whatever.  The concerns are real, and Amanda should have talked with BFP about the problem in a rational way and answered others questions and concerns appropriately.  

I don't completely understand either extreme in the case.  As Amanda sees the issue as purely one of character assassination when there are obviously several important race and priveledge issues mixed in along with good questions about what it does or doesn't mean to be a good advocate.  As many people on the other side see it this has nothing to do with Amanda and everything to do with differing race and silencing issues.  Both of these issues are present.  I see why one would play down the other depending on where you stand.  What I have problems getting is why both sides can't step down and address each in their discussions because both come into play.  Maybe a lot of people feel that both aren't in play is all.  Dunno.  

Anyhow all this aside, Amanda's book came in and there are some really racist retro styled cartoons going on there.  Holly covered this in feministe here.  As appalling as the cartoons were though, I was almost relieved, because that was something I could side on.  The cartoons are racist and wrong.  There is no other side to look at here.  Whatever was going on, was completely wrong period, end of debate. 

See since the Amanda approbation issue began, I've been trying to decide what my opinion on the whole thing is.  People in the blogsphere have been actively courting my and other women's sympathies on the issue.  On one side I hear The Open Letter to White Feminists and I want to be a good advocate.  I have some issues with the context of which all the quotes were taken from, but I get the idea.  The same problem I have with many men when it comes to women's issues, I'm doing to other women who are facing race, sexuality, or religious issues.   I agree with Cara at the Curvature that being a good ally is complex and invariably means speaking out against discrimination as well as helping to get silenced voices heard.  How Amanda handled the situation lead to silencing even if none originally occurred because she tried to shift the terms of what was happening to favor her and silence the other deeper and more important (in the big picture) concerns.

The flip side is that I can't honestly say whether approbation occurred or not.  I think it's likely though probably not intentional, but I can't claim to know Amanda's inner workings.  I get the anger and I see why people would want to boycott her writings, but the other side is isn't a person supposed to be innocent until she's proven guilty and if she said she didn't do it, who am I, especially as a person who hasn't read BFP's work and who hasn't heard those speakers to cast such a judgment?

So I was horrified that these kind of drawings would be included by pleased because I could put the Amanda issue to rest.  Unfortunately (and fortunately, more fortunately than not really) Amanda has apologized about the cartoons that went into her book.  Not that it makes it all better, but she is taking responsibility.  She is removing the images as soon as possible.  She doesn't make excuses for her oversight and that's admirable.  Perhaps not enough, but I'd like to think that people make mistakes, recognize them, and then try to be better people.  Maybe all can't be good right away, but it's a start.  Certainly I know that I have and will probably again step in it as I try to figure out where I stand and why I stand there.  I'd like to think that an apology and an attempt to repair the damage I've done best as I can would open the door way for forgiveness. 

I know I'm not Amanda and deciding that she's wrong and not a person to listen to doesn't make me wrong and all that.  It's just that I'm trying to decide what is reasonable and what is not.  For me it's easiest to do that when I think about it in terms of what I'd want or what I could feasibly do.

And I understand people who have been hurt too much to continue this discussion as well.  There's only so often you can say the same thing without someone hearing you before enough is enough.  I'm relatively new to blogging and paying attention to these kinds of issues.  My hopes might be false and understanding flawed.  I can't claim to entirely get what's going on either.   I've got my take but I feel like (which means there probably is) there is something crucial I'm not seeing or getting about what's happened/happening.  

On a side note, I can say that I was thoroughly unimpressed with Seal's apology.  It sounded fairly fake and even as if they were mocking people's concern.  It started well, but the way that they went on to talk about how the images aren't very feminist friendly with the blond hair and the curvy body came off to me as kind of sarcastic and exasperated.  I didn't like that.  I felt like Seal was blowing off the issue in saying "well since none of the cartoon really supported are views and were meant to be comical you shouldn't be offended by the depictions of those with darker skin as savages".  Not a helpful apology in my eyes really

I guess to conclude, I'm continuing to fence stand on the Amanda approbation issue.  I won't be buying her book because even if I'm not certain about anything, I feel uneasy about the whole thing.  I'll read her blog and whatever other blogs I can get my hands on because I like all the views and the different focuses on different blogs.  I really hope at some point in time the feminist movement can actually take a moment and reflect on our real race and sexuality problems and move forward in a way that's beyond just having some nice conversations in name and starts reflecting in actions too.

Apr. 23rd, 2008

Didn't think I was Going to Get In On this But....

Well, it's all over the place.  I figured that it had been written about enough, but I guess I have a few thoughts on the whole thing anyhow.  He's called the ferret and he's apparently never going to live down his Free For All Gropers Dream .  In fairness, I dislike the idea for a number of reasons.  
1. this "open source" boob thing already is the default for women.  
2. Touching people in a sexual way is an inimate act and I don't want strangers attempting it or asking to attempt it.
3. The idea that men can validate women or women can validate men is creepy and kind of gross to me.  Validate yourself and get some confidence.  

I thought about posting more, but honestly I don't want to.  Feministing has an article (though I find it just this side of snarky they haven't in my opinion really addressed the issue as fairly as possible there's a lot I agree with but the tone is perhaps too harsh for me I don't know, I'm still processing that )
[Unknown LJ tag]</div> has a very tastefully done take here   and [info]telesilla has a nice ancedote here.  Also [info]darkrose has a good read on the topic here

I like a lot of the posts the ferret has and a lot of different thought's he's expressed in the past, this one is just a huge dud for me.  It also sort of seems to me that he doesn't understand what makes a guy sketchy.  Part of it is that they would ask to fondle me or try to fondle me period. 

And another thing I don't like is how he assumes women who said know are ashamed or embarassed or that women who said yes never felt pressured at all.  IT might be different depending on what the conference is for but one thing feministing points out is that this behavior is terriblily inappropriate for any kind of technical, computer, sci-fi con.  Pretty much if it isn't sexuality oriented and even then I'm not sure how I feel about it, it's inappropriate.  Who is a bunch of guys or girls getting their jollies off in public by fondling a stranger ever appropriate or validating or healing?

I mean as far as his open source project goes, I've run into a lot of "participants" just no one with buttons and some of them don't understand the word no.  

Also I think the button puts a lot of pressure on a person to say yes if wearing a green button.  I mean said person supposedly said yes to some people but not you why not?  There's a lot of potential to breed anger, hurt, and what not there too.  Not to mention the whole sense of entitlement a person has to think they could ask. 

Whatever, the point is that I don't like the idea and at the same time I don't like the tone or response of others who don't like the idea and I'm not sure why.  Guess I could just be not liking things to not like them.  Arg, I'll be happy when this post dies and my f-list isn't bumped up for it anymore.

Jan. 6th, 2008

A Bit Miffed

You know I'm as good a sport as any really, but I'm slightly annoyed at the moment.

Dec. 5th, 2007

Another Angry Poem to Suit my Mood Aparently

A Kind of Shitty Poem

Nov. 27th, 2007

The Pink Gang

Article pulled from Feministing. It made my day so I figured that I'd throw it out here for others.
India's Pink Vigilante Women

Nov. 26th, 2007

I'm Back From My Holiday Hiatus and Now a List of Thoughts

I don't know really, I've got a few quotes and thoughts to throw out I guess before I move on with my life. Some of them are pre-Thanksgiving and some Post-Thanksgiving. I guess the order doesn't so much matter as just that I write them before my obsessive nature internalizes them too much.

1. My poetry teacher asked me if I "usually memorized my own poems" because I told him that I "can never read one of my own poems the same way it is on paper unless I have it memorized" I said that it "depended on how long I'd spent playing with the poem". which is true but not how he understands it. I tend to take a lot of time thinking about things in my head before I write them. I'll hold certain lines for months while I wait for the rest of it to come together,. The longer I hold it in my head, the more likely I am to have the exact phrasing memorized. Tweaking it once it's already written though isn't helpful to my memorization. I didn't want to discuss it with the whole class, but I do want the last word...even if he doesn't hear it. Plus, I hate how egocentric he made it sound that I should "memorize my own poems", because I never can directly quote anything else ::rolls eyes:: He didn't mean it that way, and the truth is that I'm probably just sore about it because he made me read what I consider to be one of my more juvenile poems out loud to the class and then praised me on how good it was. I mean sure the poem's construction is fine, but if he doesn't find the subject matter and presentation to be young and immature, then he probably has a lot of his own maturing to do.

2. One of my very good house mates and friends has been talking to me about my "pagan" religion and how, you know, I and her mother and few others know about the "real paganism". What she's really talking about here, and what I've tried to, however unsuccessfully explain to her is that most of what she is talking about happens to be a lot of New Age and Neo-pagan things. Even then she isn't speaking for all people who fall under those labels (it would be really hard to do so). If we really stretched she may even be talking about some British Traditional Witchcraft (often just called Traditional Witchcraft, though I tend to avoid calling it that because it doesn't help to specify what tradition).

I don't think her mother is fluffy, and I don't think my house mate is fluffy, I just don't think she knows the right vocabulary. I tried to explain that "pagan" classifies as anything of a non-Abrahamic faith and that some people today also classify pagan as something that is non-Abrahamic and non-Dharminc (as to exclude Hinduism and other major faiths that may or may not fit under the pagan label). I tried to explain that even if you wanted to be more specific than that that paganism incorporates any religion that is "earth centered" or that reclaims an older faith or that is centered around a lord and lady (god and goddess) figure, or that focuses solely on a mother figure.... None of these definitions actually mean that the practitioner will "harm none" and a lot of pagans don't follow that tenant. Even pagans who do follow the "harm none and do as yee will" don't take that as a don't harm anyone ever, but rather as a "you are free to do whatever is you aren't hurting anyone, if you will hurt someone or something then think about it first". She kind of ignored me, which happens, perhaps I wasn't forceful enough, or perhaps she found my corrections had no relation to the point she was making (which they do way more than she knows).

I think what was most disturbing about our conversation wasn't that she believed that all witches harm none but that she though voodoo was evil. There are a lot of different kinds of voodoo out there and though I am painfully ignorant on the practices of any of the voodoo sects, I'm fairly certain that the practice itself is not "evil" and doesn't encourage harm to others, which is how I believe she was using the term evil when she spoke. I was surprised how tolerant and defensive she was for "pagans" when she was so angry mob against voodoo, which I believe (ironically enough) falls under the pagan umbrella.

Also have to say that whatever "real pagan books" (tm) she was looking at that don't have any spells that could cause harm to others, probably weren't that "real" and she probably didn't consider the implications of all of the spells. I mean just because you aren't doing a spell to harm someone doesn't mean you aren't causing "harm". After all doing a "love spell" could be very harmful depending on exactly what you're doing, as a cliche over used example. The question of free will and interfering with it is always a question when doing spell work. I'm not saying this should stop using any spells or whatever, just that a lot of people who claim they aren't doing any harm could be depending on the wording and what not of a spell (and assuming for the sake of this argument that spells do work).

3. I really hate Western movies. They are racist and sexist. They lack any real plot or good fight scenes. As a grand total I find them highly offensive and displeasing. I just didn't know it until now (I've never watched a western before) but I am anti-that genre right now. Perhaps not all Westerns are that way, but the hero of whatever story I was watching was an ex-soldier for the confederate who hated the "Yankees" and who hated the "Indians". In fairness, the Indian people had killed his family, which does happen and I know there were a lot of confederate soldier and I'm sure a ton of them didn't just drop their grudges for their North neighbors, but I mean its hard to want to root for a guy who is so completely prejudice. He shoots first and questions later. He has no qualms putting family and loved ones in danger. He tried to kill his own niece, who was stolen by Indians and didn't want to come back when they they finally found her five years later. Not to mention the portrayal of Indians and Mexican was sooooo incredibly offensive. The "Si signore" and the accidental "Indian wife" and the whole money killing focus bent was gross. And the portrayal of women wasn't any better. It is a period piece Women are supposed to cook and clean and get married and all that stuff, I get it. But to be sooooo incredibly meek, to insist on this one man who treats you like crap. To scream and by hysterical instead of closing the door and being quiet while under attack, it was just amazing. If women really acted like this then I'm kind of surprised that anyone survived. I couldn't believe it. My shock is part of what kept me watching because my mind was just like "I must be missing something here, they couldn't really play something this overtly offensive on cable". Apparently they can and they will.

4. I'm really surprised by women who claim to be comfortable with their bodies and don't want to touch their vaginas. I don't know what to say to these women. What brings this up, one of my good friends who is very forward thinking and who I thought (and who claims to be) was "sexually liberated" went on to talk to be about how much touching her vagina freaks her out. I mean if you don't want to masturbate fine. But how can you be so comfortable with a partner touching you and not be comfortable touching yourself? I mean how can you really know what you like or don't like if you haven't spent the time to figure it out? How can you ask a man or woman to pleasure you when the idea of doing it yourself creeps you out? You're ok with all sorts of different sex positions, toys, and experimentation with a partner, but learning about your body and it's reactions on your own is too much for you? The whole mindset is odd to me. I mean, I went through a "I'm shy/ uncomfortable touching" phase, but during that phase I wasn't comfortable with ANYONE touching me. The fact that I was uncomfortable made me even more uncomfortable with other people being in that area.

Another thing, if you aren't comfortable enough with your body to put a Nuva Ring in then you shouldn't be having sex. This one is about my sister. She's sexually active and wants to get some form of birth control, which of course I entirely approve of. She wants to be on the pill, and I asked her why. She's never had to take any kind of medication regularly before and I figured that taking it within the hour would probably not be the easiest thing for her to manage, especially considering she can't remember to finish taking strep medication. Speaking of which, she gets sick often and oral contraception doesn't always work if you are taking antibiotics Yeah there are antibiotics that would work, but neither of us know enough about the subject to know which ones do and don't work. Combine this with her allergies to some meds, and you've really limited what she can take prescription wise. Her answer is that she's uncomfortable touching herself to put the ring it. She is so against using the Nuva Ring, which has very few negative side effects that she is considering getting the six month injections instead. Because there are totally less potential draw backs there, I mean you don't have to stick anything up you vagina.

Let me get this straight, you're fine with a guy sticking is penis in you, but a little flexible ring with hormones to keep you from getting pregnant is too uncomfortable/awkward for you? I just don't get it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure there are plenty of reason why women don't want to/ can't use the Nuva Ring. Maybe they are allergic. Maybe their insurance won't cover it or doesn't cover enough of the costs. Maybe they have some other surrounding circumstances I'm completely ignorant of, but the point is that none of those reasons are simply because a woman is uncomfortable with her body. I know that the discomfort probably isn't that woman's fault. I know a lot of people out there are uncomfortable. I just think this discomfort is wrong and I find it particularly confusing in women who allow any kind of penetration to occur in their sex life.

5. It's much quieter on campus then at home. I'm going to miss that when I stop coming here.

6. It is much warmer here than at home and I'm going to miss that too.

7. My bed is more comfortable more sad panda insert.

8. I love my fluffy soft blanket, even if everyone else thinks it's kind of dumb and not as awesome as it really is. I just hope I don't get it dirty somehow.

9. Forced family gatherings make me really nervous. My mom is a ticking time bomb you have to be wary of. I don't really know my relatives I don't really have much in common with them and now I have to spend together time with them. I'd rather not really. It is very stressful for me.

10. I resent Holidays. I know some people see it as time set a side to do X, Y, or Z positive thing but for me it is a time where I am required to feel or fulfill obligations of X, Y, or Z. I don't have fond happy memories of amazing closeness during Thanksgiving ever. It's always meant to me a lot of forced bonding. Everyone is high strung in the effort of making it work and it really just doesn't. The best family bonding times I've had either haven't been planned or were planned by the family as something we all wanted to do and make time for. Having a set period of time by the nation creates pressure/expectation/obligation where there shouldn't be one. Family should be together because they want to be not because the calender says so. Likewise, I resent Valentine's day a lot too. Maybe I'm not in the mood, you know. The system just doesn't work so well for me, I guess. I'm glad it seems to work so well for others though, who knows, maybe it's just me.

11. Missed the bf and I'm very glad to see him again. He's having a hard time though. He's sad and I'm not sure why, he won't tell me, but I wish I could help him. I like him better when he's happy but if I can't have that I like him better when he's just honest with me about what's bothering him, even when it isn't me or anything I can help. I like when he shares. Of course if he doesn't want to share, I can't make him, and I guess it's not really my business. I'm probably a little too curious and concerned for my own good.

12. Explained to the sister once again that Mom and I don't hate her bf. For people who are new to this "drama", my sister has been dating this boy for about two years when she broke up with him in Sept (after starting college). She immediately started dating someone else, within the past few weeks she broke up with the new guy and got back together with the old bf. My mom and I aren't exactly pleased. There isn't anything wrong with the bf she's seeing, we just wanted her to look around a little more. I don't think the guy she is dating is a bad guy, I just don't think he's very special is all and certainly I think my sister could do better. We wanted her to be single for a bit and to look around. We just didn't want her tied down to any one person or thing. If she doesn't feel tied down or if she feels free enough or if she thinks this guy is worth those sacrifices (even though I definitely don't agree), it's her life and she should do what she wants. The important thing is that she's happy and that she feels she's doing the right thing with our life That our mom can't help prying and reinforcing how much she doesn't want my sis to be dating is a mom thing and one that doesn't mean she hates the bf, it just means she doesn't think that dating him is in my sis's best interest. Our parents are way more vocal and prohibitive when they don't like the guy you're dating.

13. Searched for a new winter jacket and found nothing. I'm very picky.

14. Worked under the table at Calvin Klein and made about $100 dollars...woot!

....that's it for now I guess.

Nov. 4th, 2007


The bf and I were watching Batman Forever when I blurted out "I think it would be

healthier for a girl to have Cat Woman as a role model instead of Wonder woman". He turned to me with the usual "I'm waiting" look and I realized I should probably explain that a little.

See Wonder Woman if fine and all, but Cat Woman she's really got flare. Yeah, I know she's crazy, but she doesn't take a lot of shit. She knows how to twist men using the stereo types they have of women against them. I love the scene in the movie when she and Batman fight and Cat Woman says "How dare you, I'm a woman!" Batman stops fighting like a moron and moves towards her to see if she is all right. Boom Cat Woman screws him on that one.

Maybe it's because part of being a super hero is keeping life at the status quo, but I never can imagine Wonder Woman using stereo types to her advantage. I don't see her as the type to insist on her ability to be an independent individual separate from men and society. Yeah she nurses that guy back to health in the Amazon. Yeah she leaves what she knows to enter a new and odd world, not for this one man but for the fate of all mankind. And yeah with her living in an all female society, she really isn't well set up to understand sexism or to combat it. But still, I am often unimpressed with Wonder Woman.

I appreciate that Cat Woman leans on no one. She makes alliances when convenient and breaks them when they aren't. I know heroes can't do this. I know that it is admirable to stick to a sinking ship once you've promised it, but it isn't realistic. I mean realistically why do I have to maintain one thing when everything around me changes? That and for me sticking with alliances when things are going really wrong is too symbolic of how a wife should stick to a terrible marriage rather than "abandon ship" for me to stomach sometimes.

Another thing I like about Cat Woman is that while she's bitter, she doesn't hate all of man kind. I mean she likes Bruce Wayne just fine. She just doesn't like slime balls like her boss who are doing sceevey things and killing any poor person who's in the way. It's nice to see a woman who can differentiate between all men and some men. habits she doesn't want. She doesn't have a grudge against men, but the stereo types they expect her to be. That's something I'd want people in general to carry over in their real lives. And it's pretty much why Cat Woman is better than Wonder Woman.

Nov. 3rd, 2007

Michael Smerconish for the Fail

I'm sure that there are plenty of people here who know that the New York Times recently wrote a cover story article about the word "vajayjay" (here). I was happy about it. I do like the word vajayjay because it is fun and cutesy and sometimes that's the kind of mood I'm in. I like having a slang word for my vagina that isn't in the process of being reclaimed or isn't just plain derogatory. Obviously the feminism scene is never quite that straight forward though. Some people like the word and others don't. They've got some interesting and in depth reasoning behind their opinions though. Even when I don't agree with them I can understand and respect them. Michael Smerconish apparently lacks either basic common sense or a female viewing population. I found his article on the subject to be highly offensive (to feminists and to female genitalia in general) and to lack any understanding of differing female perspectives. Perhaps I'm being to harsh on Smerconish, perhaps he and other men of his standing aren't able to "understand" any perspective beyond that of the white well off male perspective. Then again, I look at my bf who is in some ways more of a feminist than I am and I realize, no indeed, it's just that Smerconish is a schmuck


Because Apparently Reality TV CAN Get Worse

Reality TV and one more way it's completely fucked up

To quote:
""There is no indication that she was unconscious at the time," said Joseph Hundah, an executive at M-Net.

However, viewers of the incident, which took place on Saturday afternoon after an extended drinking bout which ended in copious vomiting and apparent blackout for Molokwu, remain adamant about what they saw: Bezuidenhout lay down next to the comatose young woman and penetrated her vagina with his fingers. He carried on despite the pleas of another female housemate for him stop. Under the law in South Africa - where, on average, a woman is sexually assaulted every 40 seconds - such an act constitutes rape."

This article makes me completely sick. What kind of ASSHOLE is interested in fingering an drunk passed out woman and does so in a publicly broadcasted tv show while other REAL people are right there watching and telling him to stop?!

This guy is a scum bag. I just can't even begin to express how infuriating and unsettling this is to me. And what's worse is that this Bezuidenhout prick's response to any allegations is that "This is Africa". Sorry, I didn't realize that Africa was like a rape free zone.

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