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Dec. 29th, 2009

So On to the Real World

Nov. 30th, 2009

On Family and Other Sour Spots

I hate family holidays. It's not as bad as it used to be. There isn't a mind numbing soul obliterating anxiety about them anymore as there used to be. There's just a dull ache of worry and some slight stomach tremors. Really the worst bit was that I thought I'd probably never have to go to a shin dig like this again. I would go one day, I just would never have to.

I didn't want to talk about where I'd been what I'd been doing and how I was. I'm better but not so well that I can always talk about Zac or Wyoming or what was a fairy tale life that while childish and unsustainable was also beautiful. I just can't talk about it especially with people who don't get it and no one in my family gets it.

Instead I gave short answers and listened to long unending diatribes of how awesome everyone else is. I was glad they were well but I could have done without the jabs at where they were compared to me. I sincerely hope I never did that to them or anyone else, though my successes are so few and far between, I'm sure I've had little opportunity to knock some else further down that way.

In particular my cousin, who works at Fenway went on and on about how boring but glamorous her job was, how much she hated living at home (though she does nothing there but sleep and hang out), and how wonderful her parties and nights out were. I wanted her to be successful. I was prepared to hear about her success and joy so it didn't even sting that much when she kept slighting me and where I was or discarding some of the work I have to do like chores and house upkeep and whatnot.

What did sting was to find out later that her job at Fenway pays $9/hr she works no more than 30hrs a week and she doesn't get benefits. She'd sat there and scorned my retail work as less and demeaning when we make the same hourly rate, I work full time and my job gives me benefits. I don't have an hours commute by public transportation to pay for or anything.

In other more pleasant news my bro got a letter from Mass Maritime and we think it might be his acceptance *hopefully*. I've got to wait for him to come home and open it but I'm super hopeful for him. It's very exciting.

Also, they've finally corrected the comp and literacy portions of the mtels, I should finally have results and hopefully a license on the 9th. Maybe I've be able to pick up some second term work or start vigorously looking for the fall. I'm apprehensive and excited. I don't know what I'll do if this doesn't work and my parents feel strongly I'll need several other back up plans that I'm not sure how to approach but I'll have to figure something out soon I guess.

Sep. 5th, 2008

I Did it!

Gave my two weeks today.

So the good news was that it wasn't as hard as I thought and as bad as my job is, my boss really is a nice guy.  He was fair and understanding about  it all. 

The bad news is that I was so relieved and so interested in being accommodating I agreed to work three extra days to train a replacement if my boss could arrange someone (hey Kathleen, is Anne still looking for a job?).  My bf is going to be pissed when I tell him (sometime later tonight when and if he calls).    And I'm worried for my dad (he insists on escorting me and I don't want him to have to take too much time off).  

At least all went relatively well and it could have been much worse.  I'm more relieved and happy than worried really.

C'est la vie.      
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Sep. 2nd, 2008

So Very Busy

In pink because I'm hopeful that makes my stress and worry lower a bit.  Though to be fair there is a lot of exictment there too.  

  • Saw Kathleen this weekend, for what I thought at the time would be our last face to face for a while.   I'm pretty sure I'm going to see her again for a Dar Williams (here's hoping her new CD with "buzzer" is out) concert though (if you read this before I email yes to you, the answer is yes pending on ticket prices).   Anyhow I'm definately going to miss her, it's a little sad to see our college best friendness be stretched, but I suppose it will be good too.  After all going somewhere new and doing something completely different has to be (hopefully will be) at least as good as it is bad.  Maybe I've totally messed that up though.  Meh.  
  • been helping my brother with all of his many summer reading essays and he's not too bad a writer.  My mom made it sound like he was terrible and, well he isn't.  I guess I should have pulled that from my high marks in English compared to my mother's rather acidic criticque of my own work.  Either way, I'm glad it will be easier on him...even if he does fight me a bit on how much correction is required to make the essay actually meet the ruberic AND fit into your basic thesis formed paper.  It's not entirely his fault they wanted him to cram so much info in one essay, personally I think really there should be a summary paper and a reaction paper as opposed to forcing the two together, but that's just how I do things I guess. 
  • I've noticed how some habits you think are dead really aren't.  A few weeks ago my bf was talking to me about how he'd downloaded all of The Killers because they reminded him of me.  Now I like The Killers, but I couldn't for the life of me figure out why they would remind him of me.  I mean if I were to pick an artist, it would be something less mainstream, like Frou Frou, Loreena Mckinett, Tori Amos, and what have you.  What I hadn't figured in to this equation is that I sing and hum a lot, most often if there is a song to go with like the Killers (which I would be more likily to hear because it is both on my playlist and on the radio as well as on many other's playlists) but I also sing whatever is stuck in my head when I'm happy or when I need filler or when I want cheering up or just because.  I didn't think about that because I didn't think I did that anymore.  My mother hates humming, singing, and whistling.  She always told me I had a terrible voice when I sang that would drive people away (of course none of my friends think this and I have some pretty honest and musically inclined friends, but to each their own).  I didn't want to hear all that so I stopped singing and phased out humming when at home.  Turns out I still do it as long as I'm not at home.  I noticed that at work, since I'm in an isolated area, I'll often catch myself singing out loud and have to stop.  It's just weird to think something like that, which I thought I grew out of is still very much a core little snippet.  I don't know, I guess it just sort of hit me how much I change/shut down when I'm at home. 
  • I've been having really stressful upsetting dreams but when I wake up, there's just that emotion and little snippets of what was going on.  For example, I know that last night's dream was about packing and moving but it was also about hiding from some dream version of Nazis who pretty much wanted me dead.  I know it's just stress from the waking world but it still is unsettling.  I wish the anxiety would leave me be when I'm sleeping.  
  • I'm making a baby blanket for my bf's sister.  I'm trying to hold reiki energy while making it too, but I'm not sure how well that's going to work out for me.  It's hard to be a clear radio as Mrs V woud call it when one is snarking over snarls, tangles and lost loops.  I'll just have to try harder I guess. 
  • My bf started moving into our apartment today.  I know I'm not there and not going to be there for a bit, but I can't help but feel thrilled. The landlady didn't just clean the carpet, but she just put in a new fridge, stove, and dishwasher.  She hadn't mentioned that when we were looking at it (and by we I mean my bf while he kept me informed of course).  I'm glad we stuck with this appartment pick even if the kitched is insanely small. 
  • While talking to Kathleen it occurred to me that I think I really do want to try my hand at getting some of my work published.  I haven't felt this free in years and it's so odd.  I mean on one hand I can see that my slightly emotionally abusive mother has a pretty strong hold on me still because when I tried to tell my bf that I wanted to work on getting published as part of my career goals in WY I lost all basic control to talk and blurted out "what do you want me to do for work when I get there?"  It's the kind of answer I give my parents when they are working on me.  It isn't the kind of answer I should give my bf.  I should be able to just say what my plan is and he should accept it.  Hell I know he supports me, I know he would want me to explore all opportunities I can perceive to the fullest degree and I still choked up in telling him.  It doesn't matter now, I mean I did end up explaining what I meant along with my freeze.  I'm really exicted about the whole chance.  I'm pretty sure I won't get too far, but at least I'll have tried it and seen if it was for me now. I'm going to be posting more about this job and other work related thoughts though, so I'll leave this for now. 
  • I need to throw up a pagan post at some point in time so know that's reserved too. 
  • MUST CLEAN.  Though I'm beginning to see an end, so that's always happy.  I'm thinking about doing the same thing my sister did in regard to packing my clothes anyhow, which will cut all that down immensely.   Still being finicky with books but Gods know I can get through it. 
  • I am THRILLED to give my two weeks on Fri WORK SUCKS.  
  • Saw Barack's speech on Thurs and I soooooo want to be part of his speech team.  Wonderful writing.  Really moving.  
  • Haha McCain you pick poor vp choices

Aug. 23rd, 2008

I was going to go into a posting fenzy but...

My mom happened and now I'm exhausted.  For those just entering the hell that is currently my life, my bf moved to WY in July.  There were a number of reasons that this wasn't just the best choice from the beginning for him but at that point in time the only option left to him short of a few other more desperate things.  There was a lot he could have done if he'd acted monthes before but an overly passive role landed him in WY.   

I was upset that this had come to pass, but prepared to see what came out of it.  I told him if he could get a job that paid and he wanted to do permenently or he could find something that would handle living expenses and transferred colleges to finish his degree, then I would go out with him.  My biggest concerns were the debts that he's wracked up so far going to college, that because they aren't federal loans he has to start paying some of them now and some of them are carrying high interest rates.  

Well, I have to be honest, I wasn't entirely optimistic that he could do this, but at the same time I love him and I want to do whatever within certain finiantial ruin, physical and mental safety I can and still be with him.  I didn't think he could pull his loan situation into somewhere I was comfortable, but he has done that.  He's found a really nice place for us to move to and there are a lot of hostpital jobs out that way, which is a field I'm looking into right now.  

Now originally the plan was for me to wait until I had my six months (start looking in Nov, probably move in Jan) to take a vacation and interview.  However, he's moved faster on this, and my job went from tolerable to miserable, so I want to move up the time table of the move.  To within the next three weeks (I decided this about two weeks ago so it's not like there was no notice). 

Apparently my mom either was comfortable with that old plan or somehow never thought that I was moving because the date was so far back.  She has been going crazy and in general exhausting me with all her constant worrying and nagging and insults and arguing.  She's cornered me on several occasions about the whole thing. 

What I don't get is how this has nothing to do with her.   She wanted me out of the house, made it quite clear that while I could stay as long as I needed she didn't want me to be here. 

I'm not asking for money or help.  I'm not looking for time or attention.  I don't want advice or thoughts on it.  I know what I'm doing is dangerous to me and possibly something I'll regret.  I know that it will be hard for me to get a job.  I know driving there will be long and hard.  I know things between my boy and I might not work out if for no other reason than I have a small mental freak out at the thought of marrying, not him specifically, just the thought of tying myself down to anyone for all the forseeable future wigs me out.  I can make the statement that I see the future with us together indefinately and I plan like we are going to be together and I'd rather us together, but I flip out at the thought of predicting whether that will be true in five years.  There are so many variables to that answer.

She wants me to think about what I'm throwing away and I just can't see it.  A shitty secretary job, whatever.  I don't want to do anything clerical again anyhow.  I'm going to have to, I'm sure, at some point in my life (maybe even my next job though that makes me shudder a bit) look at it again.  But why I would care if someone gave me a good review is beyond me.  I can have my best friends give my reccomendation and all of them have been co-workers thanks to my job as an RA over the summer and over a year of school.  Since I'd much prefer getting a job coordinating events or working in admissions or working as a counselor, all of which relate more to RA experience than this, I don't see how a clerical job would help with that.  AND maybe I'm blind Gods know I have been before, but I can't see it.

And I know driving across the country alone is dangerous.  Really, I get that there are aspects that are less than comfortable, but I've always wanted to do that.  I've been talking about it since high school.  Everyone always talks about how crazy I am for it and maybe the idea has been over romantized in my head, I'll allow that my imagination can be active, but I don't think at this point I'll be satified by less than going and finding out.  I see it the same way I see going out to my bf.  I don't know whether or not I'll like it or I'm ready but I'm at a point where if I don't explore it I'll regret it and always wonder. 

And it's not like I'm backpacking around in a foreign country or sky diving.  I'm driving four days across the mid-west.  The clip I'll have to take it out will hardly leave time for anything besides trying to get here (nine hours of driving a day and all that grandness).  They'll know when I leave, they can know my progress along the way, and they'll know when I get there.  Someone is expecting me so even if something happened and I couldn't tell them, they will know and they'll have some idea of where that might have happened at. 

She says I'll hate it there.  Well I'm not so thrilled with living here either.  Yeah there are worse things, I could be in North Adams still.  She talks about cold like it will be new.  I know all about freezing piercing winds and terrible snow and sleet thanks.  I don't care for it, but I know that in WY its usually sunny so to me that's already a huge improvement from North Adams. 

She talks about Dairy Queen jobs, and in my head I'm thinking about how I do know to live very frugally and how I like doing that kind of work.  In my head in a host of ways it sounds like a step up from what I'm doing now.  Heck make it Target or Walmart and I'm totally sold on it.  And yes I know I'm a terrible person for having a college degree and prefering something as "blue collar" as a Wal-mart job.  I'm a terrible, spoiled person who has no understanding of what privledge I have. 

But that's the thing.  I understand that past getting a manager spot in one of those companies there aren't a lot of places to grow and that the money plus insurance would be unpleasant to make it something more than an in between.  I know that, and its not my target (pun haha) job.  I know to take the miserable office job over the retail whenever the option is available.  I'm just saying the work is work and if there were better benefits and steady raise structure like most office jobs, I'd be there in a heartbeat is all.  This statement phrased almost exactly this way drove my mother to tears, and I'm at a loss as to why.   She doesn't mean to (I don't think) but she does make me feel like a bad person sometimes.  I don't always understand why I upset her so much but I almost always feel bad about it.

Not bad enough to change my plans and not bad enough to feel like she deserves an explination.  I don't know how to explain my wants and desires to her anyhow.  I mean some of them, like going across the country in the car must be beyond words.  The whole idea of just yourself and a road and possibility must either be something you get or don't get.  You either see how the challenge and the potential freedom and opportunity and adventure exist or you don't.  You either appreciate what it means to undertake it alone, the demons a person might have to face, the thrill of it all, the chance to do things exactly how you want without aquiesing to others or hearing critiques and so on-or you just don't get it.  I don't think there's middle ground.

I mean for as many people don't get it (and most people don't-which I see why there are a lot of drawbacks) even when I explain it, it immediately clicked for Jeff.  I started to explain and he cut me off because he knew, and the look he gave me combo understanding and hunger for the same kind of experience, said it all to me.  The bf doesn't like it, but he does get it.  That he gave off grudgingly at all shows that he understands the idea even if it doesn't entirely sit well with him.

Anyhow all this fighting and arguing and pulling is wearing on me and it's taking time physically, but it's also taking time in my recover that makes it harder for me to do what I need to move.  She's a crafty woman. 

I've been breaking in bits though.  Instead of cushioning thoughts or feelings I've told her off a couple of times.  The mix of hurt and surprise is satifying and guilt inducing.  I don't know if she's surprised I feel that way, surprised I caught her, surprised I said anything...I don't know I'm way out of known territory with her. 

I mean I told her today that best case senerio I think of her as an unintentional obsticle in my decisions and in my attempts at happiness but more often when we talk like this for longer periods of time I can't help but see her as an intentionally crafty and manipulative person who is trying to live a life she couldn't manage when she was my age.  There was actually a three minute pause (that I loosely timed I had a cell phone and nothing else to do but stare at her and shift) in the conversation before she could figure out how to respond to that.  Of course it was something about my history of secrets. 

It's true that I hold a lot back from my parents.  I omit and I lie a lot, particularly to them.  I seriously considered pretending that I was planning on staying here all the while giving my two weeks, preparing, and then just one day when I was off to "work" I wouldn't return because I was actually headed out to WY.  

That's a ridculous and stupid senerio of course.  What's sad is that it isn't too far from the lengths I've gone not to involve them before.  But I thought it was time to do something new and different.  I know how they react to omission.  What happens when I just tell them?  Let's just say that part of me really regrets it now, but I'm unsure of whether I'd change it.  There would be no relationship with them if I insisted on moving like that.  There is still some hope that we might one day get a long. 

It's still small, but at least now I'm not at fault if it doesn't hold out.  Anyhow I'm worn from dealing with her constant snips and displeasures.  I don't like fighting if it's' hostile and it seems to take less and less for either of us to break out into open hositility, we've had understated hostility at least since I was 13, maybe longer.  It will all be better when I'm out, I'm sure, if I don't kill her or myself getting to that.

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Jul. 6th, 2008

Long rambly entry that pretty much covers internet and real life in odd patches

Feb. 6th, 2008

Not Really Enough Time for an Update But

Been meditating a lot around the idea of rain. I'm not sure what that has to do with anything but every time without fail, when I've gone into a meditative state, there has been the sound of rain. It's messing with me a little now because it actually is raining outside but over the past few weeks it hasn't been raining or snowing. The shower hasn't been on and no one has been doing dishes and still the pitter patter of rain is so distinct in my meditations. It's odd because while I've gotten feelings about this or that before I almost always know what they symbolize or what it means, and here I'm just guessing. Another thing that's odd is that I don't usually "hear" things. It isn't completely unheard of, but you know I'm into seeing or experiencing different things through meditation, not so much hearing.

At first I really thought that I was hearing things, but it has happened every time I've meditated for two weeks and it's never happened before. I can't help but wonder if it is some sort message and if it is a message, what kind of message? Rain, as I've said before makes me think of Jeff and of first love, spring, and romance. Rain also makes me think of MCLA because it's almost always overcast and raining here. It's what I get for picking the rainy side of the mountain. Rain makes me think of the day I rushed home upset from this place and almost toppled the car over a sharp corner of route 2.

The actual thought of rain I guess is more of a cleansing sort of thing. I know the rain isn't clean anymore, but the idea that it will pour down on me and erode away rough patches is there anyhow. All the loose debris will roll right off. I guess there's the whole nurishing life thing too and with that there's the potential to drown.

I'd like to think it's raining on me to finish shaping me, but it's just as likely that its raining on me and I'm drowning.

I applied to graduate, here's hoping I'm actually qualified.

I'm begining to wonder if it's possible to sleep and travel to the astral at the same time. Some of my sleep has been really deep recently. No dreams (That I remember), but just this deep bone heavy feeling. It feels like I'm trying to pull myself out of energy when I wake up and that's a little odd. I'm not good at waking up, but I've never been this out of it or this completely baffled and confused. I mean I don't remember having a body or what that's like or what it means or how to move it or anything in the morning. I'm getting 7-8 hours of sleep every night. I'm not taking any sleeping aids. It could just be a common sleep change, I mean I have woken up confused before, unsure where I am or still a little dream muddled, but this is just so much more intense than that. And it's different in so much as now I'm not aware I have a body or a presence at all when I wake up. There is no sense of me at all for a good five to ten minutes. Another thing that's been happening is that I've been going to sleep giving myself reiki and waking up still giving myself reiki. I've often done one or the other, gone to bed with reiki or woken up with it, but it seems like I might actually be reiking myself all night. Is that good or bad? Could this cause problems for me beyond it taking me much longer to wake up? Thoughts, ideas, theories on this one are really appreciated. It isn't problem now, but it is odd and I don't want to wait for it to be a problem.

Jan. 7th, 2008

So Am I Just Weird or What

A childhood friend is engaged. I go between being happy for her, horrified, and jealous. It's odd because if my bf asked me to marry him right now I think I'd have to slug him and at the same time I'd probably love it. I'm very happy with my bf. I see a lot of potential but we're in college. We have no idea where our lives are going and I'm not ready to tie myself to a possibly sinking ship.

I know it's paranoid. I know that if I really love him I should over come blah blah blah. I want to get married. I don't want to feel trapped or to find out later that was the biggest mistake of my life. I'm not ready to put all my eggs in one basket whatever.

I just don't know how anyone can date someone for less than a year and get engaged, but I'm paranoid.

Who knows, I might just be hung up on my mother's implication that marriage wasn't one of my main goals. I don't know how to take that. I mean should I feel flattered and take it as a sign of self empowerment? Should I be angry that she doesn't think I think finding a life parnter is important. I do think it's important, but I'm young. I know I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing. I know I want to travel around a lot and I know I want to play around. I really like who I'm with now and I see a lot of potential for us. But Gods know I'm not ready to get married.

I've always thought of it as something I wouldn't even worry about for another few years. I figured a few years working and a little understanding of the real world I haven't entered yet and I would be better prepared to think about marriage realistically. I mean I'm sure my friend is happy and I hope things work out for her but talk about bringing the pressure right home. Graduate, Get married, get a job, move in together and hope all the transitioning works out and you're still together.

I don't know how to feel about the fact that my mother plans on my sister marrying her current bf and marrying him before I even get engaged. I know my sister talks about marrying him after college often, but she's a freshman. I've always kind of written it off as juvenille romantic aspirations. I mean her bf is nice enough, but I don't think she's mature enough enough to take that kind of talk seriously. She doesn't even know what she wants to major in for crying out loud.

Maybe it's just sour grapes. Because I have a boy I think is a definite maybe. Because I do want to get married. Because I would like to be at a place in my life where I feel like I could get married. Because I really want a steady good paying career and a loving husband and kids. Maybe it's just been too long since I've seen a friendly face is all and I'm getting all moony eyed over a future I can't quite count on.

Sep. 16th, 2007

Two Poems of the moment

The First one called "So Yeah, Six Years Later" is for poetry class and its one requirement is that you know, you need to have one question in the poem.

The Second Poem is not for poetry class though it also fits the assignment, has some of the free write in it and I think sucessfully covers my Poem Idea that I wrote about earlier and its currently called "Really?"

Really? )

List of a whole bunch of stuff I've been meaning to write

List because I like them and because sometimes life isn't easy to sum up

  1. Have a bunch of little things to post for my own collection will be sorry to clog the f-list list that but, meh, I can be that way sometimes.

  2. I have been paying attention to international peace month I just haven't had time to post prompts or really write myself. For those who want a prompt, though unfortunately I won't be able to respond myself, todays prompt is Tranquility. When have you found it? What does it mean to you? Where or how do you get it? Do you think it would get boring if there were too much of it? Is tranquility synonymous with static/homeostasis? Any thoughts of feelings you have or that come to mind with it. Again doesn't have to be about you. Can be a character or a poem or just a block of text.

  3. Must post in </a></a>[info]writers_cafe all these nifty new character creation prompts. They are really helpful and really neat and want to share.</strong>

  4. Straightened my hair for the first time in years, must show the sister the pics....must talk to the sister at all because I wonder about her from time to time.

  5. Should email the brother to encourage him again.

  6. Have to call parents sometime tonight *le sigh*

  7. Have lots and lots to do. Feel both overwhelmed and underwhelmed by the tasks. Am exicted and annoyed. Have been stalling and am not quite ready.

  8. School is over whelming. Not a good think or a bad thing, just a thing. I like my classes and still find them a chore. Got my first A/ first grade back. Am pleased about it and at the same time I wonder if its earned of if the teacher's an easy grader. I can't help but doubt, me good or they are just easy?

  9. Have been reading so much news and yet really nothing. Wanted to do a write up on the woman in West Virgina (or Virgina?) who was raped. But there is nothing to say, I mean, just wow. I'm surprised what happened isn't an auto hate crime, and I'm surprised about the victims bravery (she allowed her name and her mother's name to be printed). Don't know if that's ignorance or bravery. One thing to put your name there and say yes this happened to me yes I am not a faceless person and no I am not ashamed, why should I be ashamed. I was attacked, brutalized, and tortured. On the other side I feel like this woman might have allowed or been coerced to do something she wasn't ready to do or that wasn't in her best interest. I feel like the papers can be animals, especially towards people who aren't used to them. Everyone wants their gore. They aren't really interested in a story or in anything but increasing the human fascination with pain and destruction. But as much as I am sunshiny in person, I am very dark in my heart. Perhaps the papers had the best intentions, perhaps she hasn't put herself in danger through the information. Perhaps her whole life isn't about to be stripped bare and scrutinized within an inch of her life because she was abducted, held for a week, forced to each feces and drink toilet water, stabbed repetitively, raped, and strangled. People so easily lose sight of this to focus on something like “Well she wasn't living with her parents so...” or “well she did wear that...” or “well look at how many lovers she had” or even worse, “She was prone to abusive friends and relationships, maybe its time she really learned about abuse”. I get so angry when people say this, try to rationalize something that doesn't have rational. I know its a defense mechanism for some “She did these risky behaviors and I don't so I'm safe” or something to try to justify, but there is no justifying this. This was something she didn't want something that she didn't deserve.

  10. I want to talk about the 16yr old threatening to rape a 12 yr old, but I don't know what to say. The coaches of the track team want to stress how good the girls were, and how composed they were. They stayed together as a group while running, they took down the license and they called the police. The police want to stress how sorry the 16yr old is now that he realizes that the girl was upset....HE SHOULD NEVER HAVE FUCKING SAID THAT!!!! It is always inappropriate even if she wasn't upset, rape is serious, it isn't something to joke about or trivialize. One in four men would rape if they knew they wouldn't be caught, and this little stat makes me sick, but it also makes me prone to believe those “I'll rape you” jokes. Sure I know they won't rape me, I don't really ever give people the chance (never am alone, always have a locked door...blah blah you name it I'm doing it to avoid that) but that you would joke about it, that you would find it funny or harmless, to me that makes you the one of four who would rape if you knew you'd get out of it. Seems though now a days discussing rape isn't serious, and the kid, with a juvenile record already, who last month was shooting paint balls at the same track team, who at the very least has anger issues and DOES seem to prey on younger girls got a slap on the wrist. No actions taken...what does this say to those girls now track coaches? That you can do ALL the right things and STILL be threaten, humiliated, and scared. Police will do nothing.

  11. Southwest Airlines officially sucks. I mean come on. Neither of those women were wearing anything that is past the norm and you are hassling them for their outfit. I, like many others, can't help but notice that these women have large chests. As a buck some woman I can tell you that there is no pleasing people who accuse you of being provocative because of your chest. You wear a conservative button up shirt and everyone is whispering about how the buttons are straining. Where a turtle neck and people complain about how the fabric stretches. Wear a potatoe sack and you don't “care about you appearance” and are sloppy. What do you want any of us to do. I'll match the look that is appropriate but someone has to point it out first because there is no way I can help looking top heavy.

  12. Lots of story idea. For Lauren I have a scene in the pediatric office. For my hunter I have a scene with him confronting a pack, and with Lily there is a nice drinking scene and then one at thanksgiving.

  13. Got a poem too something about my desire to become one with the bed. “Desire to meld with the mattress” “Lying like a Log, Laziness in mind” “Desperate desire to escape into the oneness of a dead world” depressing I think might be the over all theme here though and I want funny or harsh or ironic or even a bit cruel. Don't want this sad self pitying lay down and disappear bullshit. I am worth more than that (really). There is something worth being here for (hopefully). I am not suffering (well not compared to other years, this one is really probably the best I've had since freshman year and in some ways its better). Its just that anger is easier to fuel me than a quiet desperation. Anger hurts and cuts but it pushes and demands. It numbs better that tender carefully guarded hope. Guess there isn't anything wrong but you know my own worries, concerns for things I am helpless to stop. I'm just waiting for it to fall in a few months. I hate being so completely pathetic. A year ago (sept 25) my friend wrote a poem for me, one that I still think applies (sadly). From my comments in lj that sadly don't carry over here:

    Jess, just:

    She wishes she were lesser
    and lesser, lesser still.
    She knows she could be so much more,
    The juxtoposition makes her ill.
    Impassioned, truly, for nothing...
    But yearns the unity passion suggests--
    She can fake it, oh she can fake it
    (But it's a heartache nonetheless.)

    Perhaps the restlessness will never leave?
    Inquisitive, objective...has a price.
    Life's a struggle, breathe just breathe...
    Tis a... comforting! No! Ineffective! Device...?

    Stop the analyzation.
    "But my saving grace would fall!"

    "No wait, but if, You see,
    A piece of you and them in me,
    Energy mine in those and this and of us all..."
    You shh, just shh, if shh
    Fuck it all///.

  14. I'm thinking a lot about individuals. My energy has been focused on Kim because I can't decide how to feel about her. No question she is nice enough I will always be friendly to her, but what do I think. On one side she is friendly,easy to talk to, and she makes people feel welcomed like they belong. She has this passion and energy and still she isn't doing anything. She “works” many jobs where she doesn't do anything but place hold. I really value work, and while she's got a lot of good points I can't help but wonder if the action bely the words. Is she really empty and trying to convince people she's full? Does she really deserve the awesome recommendations she will get even though she didn't do the work? Are people who do this for her helping her or hurting her in the long run, because really if you aren't working and if you aren't helpful, shouldn't someone tell you that? After all it isn't really entirely her fault if no one has ever stopped and told her. Though to be honest I'm not big on sparing people's feelings for the sake of “kindness”, I think its really a disservice to that person. They have a right to know the truth and even if they hate you for it later, at least they can grow and move on. This “kindness” bull crap is why we have so many terrible want to be artists. No one has the balls anymore to say, “Hey you should scrap that, its great it means something to you but it isn't marketable and will never be marketable”, “You don't seem to have the skills”, “IF you want this you should do this” and so on. Everyone is all fake “its nice”, “I like it”, “it shows you and how you're feeling and therefor is art”. Just no, art is to some degree in the eye of the beholder but being a recognizable artist or actor or whatever is some degree talent, some degree luck, some degree connections, but also some degree managing to make something that is MARKETABLE that OTHERS like and value. It has personal meaning, great, I'm the public and I'm telling you it sounds terrible.

  15. Thinking a lot of Ian too. He and eye are similar. He has more talent and he's crashed more than me, but we are the same. So much potential, so much smarts and talent and we are wasting it all. We probably piss the hell out of people. Ian just makes me sad because he is suffering and I know it. I know why, and in my secret heart of hearts I agree with what he feels. I feel it so deep in my own being, and it has cut me in the same way its broken him. He's better with wording it, but he caught on later than I did. This little dark cloud has been part of me, an idea forming since second grade. Couldn't name it then and I certainly can't really articulate it now, but for Ian its been all at once. Some time I'll have to quote him because I know that pain. It makes me sad that he sees it because it is a confirmation that I'm not crazy but that there is something wrong, and it makes me more sad because the realization is destroying him and he could give and be so very much. There's nothing I can do about that though, try to be there if he needs me I guess.

  16. Haven't seen AJ much and want to keep it that way. In small doses he can be colorful but large ones he is a depression. Plus I don't have to worry about him too much, he's doing well in school, he's always doing well in school.

  17. Saw Kevin Friday at a party. I was all dressed up and he looked right through me like I didn't exist. Of course I was giving my scared as hell deer caught in the head lights, hide behind or in the bf face. And honestly he does scare me. He is violent and I know that being with Pines could have only encouraged this. He is a drunk and I know he is a cruel one. He has hurt me in ways that I'm not sure will ever heal. Zac seems to sense these kind of things because his whole body posture changes. No matter how drunk or sober we are, he seems to recognize the threat this boy and the whole frat/sorority is in my head (possibly in real life there have been confrontations, but none of them have been so bad that they justify this throat closing sweat inducing terror). They don't confront me (haven't actually since early November of last year). They don't acknowledge me at all actually, and I don't acknowledge them. Sometimes this is sad because friendly acquaintances have joined this group after our break up and gone from willingly holding conversations with me to giving terse and hesitant nods. Sometimes I wonder what he says that does this to them. Sometimes I am afraid I know. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just being too sensitive. Though if I'm sensitive to this, my bf is more sensitive because once in a while (it is rare because I am such an observant paranoid person) he stiffens before I do. He pulls me close and his eyes get guarded. It's these times that I know he isn't reacting just to me and how I react but to the actual presence and stare of these people where I get most sad. It would be more tolerable if I could convince myself that its all in my head.

  18. Anyhow, we left Friday's party early. This is part from Pines, part because we had a friend who was new to the scene and wanted to leave (we'd have left with her just because she wanted to go, but it certainly helped that I wanted to get the hell out), we left because suddenly I didn't want to be in a crowded dark place drinking gross punch and pretending to be someone I'm just not. We left because the cigarette smoke was so thick in the air I thought I'd be sick. We left because Zac is a good boy and all I have to say is that I want to go and we should tell the others before taking off and he handles everything for me. He never questions the distress, just lets me babble happily with my friend while we walk home while I wonder what happened and why I got like that. Later when everyone is in bed he just holds me and lets be be comforted by his presence. So good not to push me to talk about things he wants to know, questions and insecurities I may have placed in his mind that he deserves better than.

  19. Lucky's b-day was significantly less emotional an affair. On Wednsday we went out and just had a good time at the bar. Played some games got the guitar to place “Sweet Caroline” and “Journey” because everyone's first night as 21 drinking should include these songs. Drank sex on the Beaches, two to be exact and was very much drunk. Had the boy finished the last one and we left. Asked Lucky to come back with us (lives with me) but she wasn't ready to go. Learned later we should have insisted. Knew she was drunk but thought she should take care of herself, make her own choices. She got back alone (not cool) and then was sick by herself (even less cool). If we'd taken her at midnight she could probably have avoided the sick and the walk home alone, even if it isn't a long one, is one no one should do late at night. Still it was nice to have the boy to myself. I like being places with him and sharing him but I love having him all to myself. I am such a sappy girl with the adoration of cuddling close and whispering little secrets and he seems to be satisfied with just that too. I've never dated a boy who's been so patient, who completely lacks a set of demands or an agenda. I really like it.

  20. Want to talk about Harry Potter some, but I'm still working on it </a></a>[info]the_willow has inspired it but its still all jumbled and senseless. Maybe I'll hit that in a list later.</strong>

  21. Saw the “unknown” works of Claude Monet. Some of these “unknowns” were really famous and well known even to me. Some of them were charicterures though and I thought those were pretty cool not only because it was early on in Monet's life but because some of them were copied from the paper, other were clearly inspired by a cartoonist and still others were just done for himself. It was interesting to see Monet's hand at cartoons. Was surprised by all the crayon drawings, I know they were just a tool before Crayola came along and stigmatized them, I really still adore crayon now, there are a couple neat things you can do with them (though I suppose that this isn't anything that would be “great” art. Also the Clark is really a place for rich people. I come to this conclusion because well there were so many really expensive cars. I recognized the BMWs and Mercades and the arrogance in the drivers.

  22. We talked about Porches, which is a hotel in town that is one of the top ten hotels in the world to stay at. It is weird to think about that because well, its in the least well off part of town. It is facing this worn dead mill and the houses in the surrounding area are run down and some of them are clearly running drug operations. I wouldn't walk alone on the streets there, and somehow this is a nice environment for a hotel....I don't know I mean I like to feel safe at the hotel and on hotel grounds and I want to see something pretty, Porches fails these. Though apparently rich people like this whole thing. They want to see squalor and I don't enjoy viewing from behind glass where they eat their gourmet breakfast, whatever, its weird.

Think that might be all I have right now though. Meh. There you are tons of words for you all to enjoy and possibly marvel at or not. Just some of the endless thoughts I didn't know how else to get out. Hope this takes the edge off me a bit.

Aug. 23rd, 2007

Woot the ever popular work update

Apparently if you check ij at one in the morning and expect something new to be up for lunch break, you are sadly mistaken.  Not that this a huge surprise to me, just that it leaves me with little to do during my precious half hour.   

So work update.  I think I've been moved to write some more about my life, but it will probably be later as a more private post.  

Until then talking with Kathleen last night was good.  She told me not to worry about that other incident because, well she could be talking to a lot of people.  As a result, I've privatized that entry for the moment.  It may pop back up and it may not.  We'll see.  

Kathleen and I also came to the conclusion that our dear friend is getting less well.  Which brings me to ask, does anyone know what to do if a friend is getting steadily less mentally stable than they were before?  He was on a lot of meds and stopped cold turkery.  He was moving away from a very rigid dogmatic Christian base to a more open one and has suddenlt sprung back worse than he was before.  He's always been a little obsessive but now its to the point where it is dibilitating him in some ways.  Neither my friend or I can help him with this and our presences seems to make it worse.  The only thing I can think of doing is retreating from him until whatever this is takes its course...which may be forever.  So any thoughts?  

I have a couple of story ideas I want to tinker with.  I think that I can finally return to writing Escape Artist (which I'll post a fourth chapter soon, maybe later today).  I also think I'm going to write another short or maybe two in the modern day short I wrote a week or so ago.  I have two or three scenes that seem particularly clear to me.  

And you know, I'm not going to think of a job or future, because I find it depresses me.  I don't like my options and even though I'm cool with working a job that doesn't make me warm and tingly (I know the extras that give me a happy vibe so I don't need the job to do it) its more a concern of the job and out of college thing isolating me completely from peers or community that I would I think I might still live with my parents for at least a few months after college and I really really really don't want to do that.  I know the ij has some neat community but its not the same as face to face.  But alas, I'll either have to live or not think about it too much or both.  

I worry about the bf too.  But honestly, its far too early in the relationship to think about or talk about that.   

I'm also pretty consumed with the world wide thirty day peace prayer.  That's going to start Sept. 11th and I'm still trying to decide how I want to participate and whether I can organize others to do the same.  More thoughts on that after work though.  Now I don't have the time.

Aug. 6th, 2007

Meh some Reflections because it looks like I have time

Happy Belated Lughnasadh everyone...l..or if you're like me and take the ecclectic pagan holidays as very wavey guidelines (I celebrate for a week because I can) then Happy continued Lughnasadh.  So what have I been doing for the holiday, why being present in the now.  Like many others I've realized I have three weeks till college is back in my life.  I've been cleaning and packing in preparation for such a date.  Its slow going and I"m not sure what I'm going to take...but I'll have to figure it out soon. 

I've also been making a blanket in preparation for the fall.  I know we'll want it for the couch in the common room...even though is does seem to not look like it should, oh well.  I'm following the pattern as best I can but the stitch work doesn't seem to want to line up. 

I've been trying to work on Escape Artist, but I'm stuck.  I think maybe that story will be going on break for a bit because even though I know where I'm taking it I don't know how to write it.  Seems that I'm just better writing a story about a college drop out when I'm at college and constantly reminded of how much I don't want to be there.  Oh well, I think I'm going to start up another story because I have another idea that interests me more than this one does.  ::Shrug:: 

And of course I'm still back dating my writing like crazy because the idea is cool even if procuring such is time consuming.  

Recently I've been thinking about how its my last year at college.  I can't wait to get out, but its interesting to see others views.  Like apparently Alix is scared as hell about what she'll do she really has to worry.  It amuses me a little how she is pompous in areas I don't think she has right to be (going on and on about what a good person she is and how humble and good she is...yeah she is nice, sometimes, but I think the saintly way she tries to portray herself is quite the stretch) while she beat herself up about other things ( and here of course I'm talking about her body image, she's a beautiful girl and for some reason she insists that she is sickening, sure some of it may be for attention and reassance, but come on not all of it could be for show and I really think she' a little crazy over her appearance).  

I don't think as a kid or even now, I've ever really worried about what the next step would be.  I mean as it stands now, I'm not sure what I'll be doing next, but I'm not worrying over it either.  In time it will make itself clearer I'm sure.  And I have a feeling it will probably be more school for some sort of certification and I'm not looking forward to it,....but we all do what we have to when the time comes.

Zac isn't quite sure what he's going to do either, but he isn't too worried.  On one side he feels a lot of pressure from his parents to go out to Colerado where they are, but on the other side, he's not sure what he would do and his parents move so often he'd probably just get out there and they would be moving back here.  Not to mention that I think, even though he hasn't said it yet...neither of us have that some of his hesitance to make too many strong plans is that he isn't sure how our relationship is going to go and whether we'll want to make plans together.  I figure we can cross that bridge in December if we're still together, which I think we probably will be.  After all, no one can really start the job hunt until December anyway.

I'm thinking part of whatever has gone wrong in Lisa's life is part boy related and part the stress of college ending.  She's got to see how she just won't be able to maintain her current lifestyle on the outside (most college kids can't...though I think both Kathleen's basic life and mine are a bit of exceptions...sure we'll need to set up plans with friends more in advance, but other than that, I see little change really in either of our lives besides the location and perhaps the people....after all, I'm never going to see most of these people again).  

I wonder if some of my concern for AJ and his mental problems stem from the end of college too.  I mean when will he ever have the chance at the support system he enjoys now again?  And if he can't clear up some of those problems with all the help available to him now, we he ever be able to overcome those issues.  Sometimes I wonder if he wants to or even realizes how much they really do immpede him.

Ah well though I guess I'll figure it out when I get there.  Guess we all will.  Besides as much as I worry now, this will probably be the last year I ever associate with any of them beyond their blogs.