August 2012

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May. 6th, 2009

It's been a while.  So since I've last written, I was fired, collecting unemployment, and then getting desperate for work.  Since then I've moved back to MA and apparently broken it off with my significant other, which makes me evil, even though I wasn't the one who gave up.  I gave up on finding a job in Wyoming sure, but I very much would have like to bring him back with me to MA. 

I'm sure I'll be crushed later.  Right now I'm just pissed off that he wouldn't even consider coming out this way in a few months if I found something that was good for me out this way.  Since I went out to where he could "go to school", not that he is going to school or planning to go within the next few years.   I don't know someone who will commit so little of themselves after two years and after I've shown the most commitment I know how to show to their goals and dreams, just makes me angry.  Guess  I feel cheated and bitter.  Like I was never important to him or not important enough to be considered when I wasn't convient.  Guess his unconditional love was more conditional than my specifically stated conditional love.  

Anyhow, I'm back in the Mass area.  I have an interview with the temp agency tommorrow at 9:30.  I've cleaned up my resume, or my daddy helped me do so anyhow.  I've applied to ten or so paces.  What can I say, monster is a miserable engine but I'm doing my best with it.  

Since I've been home I've had two interesting dreams. 

In the first, I was in Wyoming and looking for something.  I don't know what, it was never really the same.  I spent a lot of time at stores being turned away and in the parking lot there were animals, like horses and chickens and bunnies and goats and whatnot.  I stole some of them but I don't know what happened to them.  I wanted to see Zac and at the same time I knew that I couldn't/wouldn't like what I came across.  So then I went home and worked on pink eye shadow.  I did one eye so well and then the other came out alright but uneven and I spent a long time looking for the stuff to redo the eye with.   When they both were ready to go I left to go clubbing only to remember I have no idea where clubs in cheyenne are (if the kind that I think would be fun exist at all in that state).  So I'm driving around with my eye shadow done up wishing for a dance and my bf only to remember that for some reason he doesn't want to see me or I don't want to see him, it's confused.

When I woke up I wasn't befuddled.  I knew where I was and why I was there.  There were no dream cobwebs of Cheyenne or illusions that Zac and I were still dating.  I don't know guess that makes a relationship really dead then, when you don't even forget momentarily. 

Anyhow, I don't remeber so much in the second dream except that I was traveling a lot at first with Zac who wanted to break it off and then when he did I was traveling with Jeff.  Before I know it, Jeff and I are kissing and Zac is back and wants to get back together but Jeff and I are already together.  It was akward and I was glad to wake up.  

Saw Kathleen yesterday and that was fun.  Will see AJ later when I'm less relationship sensitive and now I have to go because my brother just came home and has apparently decided he's going to go to prom after all.  Date and everything and the prom is Fri and we have to pull together a tux and convince our mom that he can/should go without too much fuss.  Write more later.
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Sep. 7th, 2008

Jeff update

Jeff got a facebook which meant I was able to ask him about the book he suggested to me in this post.  It's called Lord of Light be Roger Zelazny.

Just figured I'd throw that out there for my use and maybe others if they were interested. 

It's occurred to me that I've bee sloppy with my tags.  I'm going to do what I can to fix that.  I think I'm the only one who cares, but its late fore me and I like typing what I'm going to do.

Oh and no one who cares reads this, but Lauren is so not over Jeff yet.  Man that bit of interaction on his facebook is interesting.

Aug. 16th, 2008

I hung out with Jeff on Thursday

rambling )

Jul. 6th, 2008

Long rambly entry that pretty much covers internet and real life in odd patches

May. 31st, 2008

Blast From the Past

So I finally went on to google mail and in between all the spam and not applicable emails I have that are way to old was a post from an old friend of mine.  I was surprised that he'd emailed me at all.  I mean I did create that account just for him at a time when I was very much in love with him still.  I think a part of me will always love him to be honest, but regardless it doesn't matter now.  I'm far more in love with my bf and the fact that he's the only boyfriend I've had since this other one who I've actually preferred really says it all.

Anyhow he had a dream with me in it.  He was going into the Whole Foods in Boston he works at (he has a job...and it isn't something glamorous or even college degree required...I'm somewhat amazed and not at the same time  plus he's in Boston, I'd heard this but I  wasn't sure if he's still there and I wonder if he's still with her?  mmm hopefully I'll find out soon I'm such a curious bugger) where he hugged me though I seemed reluctant to hug him.  

He remembers the dream because it was so vivid...I wonder if I even sort of resemble the girl that he remembers...I know I don't think so, but who's ever cared what I think.  I wonder if he looks like the boy/man I remember?  Time changes a lot and I know I at least look different...probably am pretty different too.  I bet he's close to the same though.  Time has a way for leaving him behind...though I could be surprised...if I ever go so far as to meet him.  This little internet lingering might be as close as it comes. 

What's weird (besides the fact I didn't think I'd hear from him again that is) is that I've had a couple of dreams the last few weeks about running into him and him being happy and wanting to hug me while I hesitate before hugging him.  I don't think it's phrophetic or anything, just weird.  We know each other far too well and we've always been just slightly out of time with each other.  That we'd have such similar dreams though is a jolt.  He's never not been a jolt to me though.  That's what I like about him. 

I wonder if he still wants to run away to Italy with me and I wonder if he'd be miffed if he knew I'd gone there without him...it was supposed to be our thing at some undisclosed time.  Who knows if it ever would have or could have been. 

I know I'm rambling and what not.  I'm a little shell shocked though.  And I'm terribly exicted.  I'd love to meet up with him and hang out.  I'd love it more than I think is reasonable and that worries me.  I always have that worry in the back of my head that spending time with him will make me want to date him again.  Whether it's legit or not I can't be sure.  Goodness knows that I really really hope he's still dating someone.  Him not flirting with me will help infinitely.  Assuming we meet at all...which we might not, though I miss the conversations more than I can articulate.  I don't even know if it would be like that anymore.  I debate and argue and think and respond so differently than I did then.  

And all of this brings me to a new question I've never thought of before.  What do I tell the current bf?  Because I'm not going to cheat on him, would never cheat on him, but at the same time this kind of situation would make me a little uncomfortable if I were him.  I don't want him to be uncomfortable, but at the same time I want to at the least email back and forth and at the most meet him and maybe pick up a friendship.  I'd be cool with bringing the bf if he weren't a three hour drive away and there's a good chance that the other one's girl (if she's still with him, which all signs seem to say yes).

Meh I could just tell him the truth and see how that goes down.  I don't even know if he'll email me back yet, but if he does I'll see what that brings up and if all signs lead to meeting up then I'll deal with that.  I do tend to get very a head of myself sometimes and lets be honest this whole thing is so childish.  But I can't help it/  He's just one of those people that really bring out the kid in me.

  I could use it about know anyhow.  Fighting with my parents and brooding is all so stupid.  I have the strongest urge I've ever had to shout I'm 22 and you can't do that.  You don't have any purse strings or legal cards so you can't reasonably ask and expect me to answer.  Then of course I come to my senses and realize that yelling and acting like a brat doesn't actually support those points much.  It would be far better to just stay silent and save my money for a car and an apartment.  Who knows maybe applying for a job up by the bf and moving in with him really is in the cards.  I'll see.  Until then I'll try to hold it all together and not get ahead of myself.  Looking to far ahead right now is only going to depress me anyway.
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Oct. 10th, 2007

Feeling a Little Nostalgic

It's been raining since Monday. In spurts of course. Sometimes it's drizzles and sometimes it's like walking through Niagara Usually I hate the rain. The dark overcast makes me sad and it makes me want to curl up in bed with my comforter cocooning me while I snuggle my ginger heating pad. What can I say though, I'm easily depressed.

Zac loves this kind of weather. He likes the wet just rained air. Says it's the cleanest air after the hardest rain. He likes that the sun won't hurt his pale skin and apparently light sensitive eyes. We go out together and I sit on the cement steps watching the rain while he just stands in it and laughs. And I'll admit, there is something comforting with the pattering of it on the ground. It makes me think of ocean waves and drifting to sleep in the rocking. And I would love a cup of warm tea and not the nice stiff unsweetened kind I've been taking I want a rich chaitea velvet smooth feeling from the cream, smelling of far away places, and tasting of sweet sugar.

There is something calming and steadying about it. The rain itself can be mesmerizing. Just watching drop after drop, but that's not what I felt like last night. Had all this energy. It was like being a kid and I just wanted to splash around and make the biggest mess possible. Not that water and mud cause that much of a mess and not that as a lazy college student I'd put myself through washing a set of mud ridden water logged clothes, but still I just had the urge.

And instead of taking me back to my kid days with sticky sap hands and unruly long hair, I thought about my first real relationship and one of our first real dates. It was spring and it had been raining for weeks. For some reason we decided to go for a walk, even though there were sheets of water and even though neither of us had any rain gear. So there we are me in a jean jacket (one that I'll never wear after that day) and him in just his t-shirt....trying not to get wet in the middle of a downpour. We walked a healthy distance away from each other, unsure of what to do or how to act, even though we'd kissed already and even though it was obvious that we liked each other and probably should have been holding hands.

Awkward silences were always filled up with conversations. That's one thing, with him there were always the most fascinating conversations. He challenged me so much in so many stupid little ways intellectually. Yeah it was all talk and there was nothing to act on, but you know it was the kind of stuff that you had to work for, the kind of thing that just felt good. I think that's probably the thing I miss.

Anyhow, going through a wood path more puddles than anything else and walking over slippery tree roots makes it impossible to not fall into a puddle eventually. I, being clumsy, was of course the first to slip right into a knee deep puddle. And at first there was silence. For a moment he gave me this "What will she do" look, where the man (or boy at this time) is wary. He isn't sure which way his girl will go.

I laughed and then started to run. Loved the huge waves coming up behind me. Probably changed him from just soaked to coated in sticky pine needles and soaked with the first running jump. He stared dumbfounded for a moment before laughing and following me. We raced for a while, who could get to the deepest part of the puddles first. Who could stay ahead of the other, who got the other most wet (though we were beyond maximum density then). And before I knew it we were tumbling and rolling through the puddles kissing and laughing and generally breathless.

It was a good.

And it was such a classic little movie romance scene I can't even believe it. But that whole relationship was like the best scenes and the worst from cliche romance movies. Sometimes I think its ironic because he used to insist on being unique and doing the odd thing sometimes just to do the odd thing. Sometimes I think its fitting because it was during my "I want to be a famous movie star" phase and there I was, living out a made up high school Hollywood romance.

Of course in the movies they don't show you the aftermath. It was freezing when we got inside. Both of us were shaking from head to toe, and I was late for when I told my parents I'd be home. Jumped in the car more nerves now that anything else, shaking to much to get the key in the ignition. Shaking to much to see much of anything. Had my first real car crash that night. Too rushed to get home and too wet to pay attention. I side swiped someone while making a left. Thankfully there was no damage either car. The guy I hit felt bad for me. I was soaked and shivering and upset and young. We left without exchanging info. Took me a minute to pull back onto the road with all the adrenaline and now with the whole thing over I was tearing up. Too much to deal with I guess. Young love angry parents and a brush with death (in my head anyhow).

I never told anyone that half of the story. The part where with my license for less than a week I almost have a nasty spill. My parents still don't know. They yelled at me for being wet and late and all the time in my head all I could think about is a car crash I can't tell them about. I could only nod, because the accident the almost catastrophe is right on the tip of my lips.

And you know, its funny because these two events happened to me on the same day and I think about both of them from time to time. When I was younger I thought of them both a lot, and I never really connected the two. I mean yes same day same afternoon one directly after the other, but somehow its like two completely different years. There was the time I was out with a boy in the rain and the time it was raining so hard and I was shaking so much and so worried that I went out into traffic without looking.

I told the story how it happened one after the other, but when I was thinking about it yesterday, the car accident didn't pop into my head at all. Its like a little shadow at the end that never comes clear in the same moment as the other memory. Funny how different the story is how it happened and then how I think of it now is all.

Aug. 22nd, 2006

Last Cali Entry I'm throwing in here before the book is done

Cali was cool. Much awesomeness insued.  I'm sure to recount it later for livejournal, so I won't bother writing it all up now. 

Meh, repeative and stupid trains of though run through my head.  KEvin, Jeff, school, boyfriend, sex.  Always repeating and always pointless. 

Hoping for... I don't know with Kevin.  Maybe a relationship maybe make him jealous maybe nothing.  I want a second chance on my terms.  He's not that kind of guy though, everything has to be his way.  In my most inner set of truth, I know he isn't mature enough for me.  He'll never really be ok with the fact that I love him and always will, much the same way I love Jeff and always will.   I'm beginning to understand love in new and valuable ways.  Just not ways I believe Kevin could understand or appreciate. 

As for Jeff...I'm still coming to terms with the fact that I love him in some sort of undying sense of the words.  It's hard when I stop to realize I will probably always fel this for him...it's hart when I stop and realize that this is prettu much how I feel about Kevin and I'll probably always feel this for him.  a wash of raw emotion flows through me with too much intensity for me to discern anything but unfiltered feeling.  There are no higher thoughts or images in it for my brain to process and help keep my heart from drwoning in th tsunami. 

Love, sorrow, loss, laughter, joy all so rapidly and stronly there is little processed sensation but pain and possessiveness and an inability to regret. 

Gods I wish I could explain it to myself.  Then maybe I could make others understan.  Love isn't a drug or a fairy tale.  Nothing so simple can sum up so muc drand scale events. 

Enough rambling though.  It relieves little.  Sufice to say my mind and hear are in different places.  It's destined to be big and bold year with the life long lesson theme being love and all.  hat could go wrong?

I've decided to try to spend a yea as a pacificst and try it on.  I though a lot recently about violence, what's it purpose and what the implications of it are.  Violence is of course a method of control, so first what am I trying to countrol.  How does violence meet those needs?  Do I reall need control, can I really control, and does violence actuallyy acheive control? 

Violence is a scare tatic, one that once in place can not be removed if a person wishes to maintain control.  That's not really control though.  It is a system that opresses both parties.  I don't know what could replace violence on large scales, but I'll never know if I don't look.  Maybe the key is to eradicate fear.  Maybe violence is required.  I'm going to try and find out anyway.
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Apr. 18th, 2006

P Last Letter (second go at the subject mater of untitled on April1)

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Apr. 15th, 2006

P Forced Road

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Mar. 22nd, 2006

Could I blame you,
certainly. 
But you could apply that same certainty
To the simple fact that I won't. 
Maybe the universe hates us both equally...

Lisa I can't believe you don't like elispes, I thihnk they're great.  But then again I can also see where you might find them lame, overused and slightly emo.  Though, to their credit they are great pacing devices and sometimes put in mellow drama just the way they're intended without the cheese affect.  I like them when used properly. 

In other less random and disquieting thoughts, I'm about to partaking in the greatest acting feat of all of history  ^_^  Just kidding.  I'm actually just mantaining a regular day the same way I always would. 

kevin is out with the brother's all day and then he has to sleep there, I know he isn't looking foward to it.  I am slightly disquieted, and unsure as to exactly why.  I'll update with the latest news, when I know it.  For the moment its still a secret from me.  I seem to be all hung up in the past but I hope that will pass soon.  Until then, I'm sure there will be lots of random and disjointed stuff here on lj to look at.  Meh, have fun looking at it all.
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When I stop and think of you,
I don't know what to feel. 
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Mar. 20th, 2006

I've recently sent off a letter to Jeff detailing how I plan on going about "saving the world" its just an esoteric piece of junk, that is way to pompous and straight foward/ naive to be practical, but I figured I would post the majority of it up for those interested.  Meh.



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LE letter to Jeff

Dear Jeff, 
Sorry that I haven't gotten back to you sooner.  I've been caught up in school and what not and haven't been able to collect a moment to write.  I've been doing a lot of internal reflecting and as life happens to be, I think that I have a response to how I plan to save the world.  

I know you were planning on writing a letter, and email is impersonal.  I thought about it though, and honestly I'm going to type up whatever I write way before I print it because my hand is horribly out of shape and because my spelling is terrible, so email really is a faster mail for me.  

That and I'm going to want my own copy of what I think at the moment, for posterity sake.  I've realized recently that a lot of the older things I've written fall into two categories.  One category is the funny/ pathetic one where I realize how much I've out grown that view and how immature I was being where the other view is one where I really value what I've written and a window into who I was.

Initially I'd planned on responding to what you wrote, because as far as actual plans go, I didn't have any at the time you wrote to me on how to save the world.  However, I've really been thinking about myself, what I'm going to do after college in my own internal reflections and among other things (that I'll probably tell you about in a separate letter or next time we meet), I have somehow stumbled across what I plan to do to "save the world".  It is at best a tentative, poorly planned response that I'll probably add onto or completely change later.  I also want to note that I really don't think my response is appropriate to the original intentions of the question, but that's still not going to stop me from responding ^_^  

I've decided that saving the world is way to broad a topic, so I'm defining what I feel it exactly is.  Here's the list of what "Saving the world" would require.  
1. Creating some sort of global peace or universal understanding/respect/tolerance for others' differences and beliefs by all people *not the government* but the actual public itself as well as having some sort of government policy that stuck to nonviolent forms of problem or disagreement confrontation.  
2. Eliminating large misconceptions about health, such as: hygiene, exercise, proper diet, and major causes to common diseases as well as providing every person the ability and resources to apply such knowledge.
3. The preservation of nature because it is widely acknowledged as something precious and worthy or saving.  Not its protection for the sake of our own existence, or because we as "higher beings" "choose" to preserve it.
4. A return to the feeling of unity and connection/empathy for fellow man.  A conscious decision to foster togetherness instead of a feeling that we must compete against each other for livelihood and the idea that "everyone is an enemy".  These negative ideas might help the cooperate man get more out of his employees, but it also creates scenarios where it is to one's benefits to sabotage another's work and creates more setbacks in the long run than anything else.
5. The same time I want diversity.  I want people to feel free to think for themselves and create new and innovative ideas.  I want people to be able to disagree and debate without fear, I just want them to be informed and understand the other's point of view.  One's personal life and person beliefs are things that one should be free to have without fear of prejudice, as long as it doesn't involve cruelty to human life or the torture of animals.  On the same venue, if any one involved is a healthy, mentally stable, consenting adult(s), whatever the act or decision is, as long as it remains within the group that agreed (doesn't affect outside adult parties or children) is should be acceptable. 
6. I want everyone to take responsibility for themselves.  I want them to want to work and want to help contribute and support themselves and those they care about/community.  As the world exists now, there are people who are lazy or "free loaders".  I like to believe that this is not a built in pattern of human nature, but a creation of the society we live in today.


7. I’m sure there’s more so this is reserved for that when I think of it.

A couple of acknowledgements up front about these sorts of lofty goals.  They are unrealistic, and if possible would take a large quantity of people working towards the goal over a massive amount of generations.  That being said, I do think that it is possible and I do believe that the world and society in general is moving, however slowly to these goals.  Also I do believe that it is a worthwhile mission and goal even if I never live to see its accomplishment or significant movement.  Though some of these feelings might be easier for me to project than others because I do believe in reincarnation and I know that all the past lives of myself were dedicated to this sort of work and that this life as well as my future ones will be dedicated to this sort of life until there is movement towards my aspirations of peace.  

As for exactly what is required, that's rather a complex question.  My immediate responses come out something like:
1. A massive redistribution of wealth across the world (which of course I have no idea how to do). 
2. A massive purging of bigoted and wrong information replaced with the correct information (which would be hard to do on several accounts, one is that the prejudice information is so ingrained into some society's lives that trying to re-teach even the children would be difficult at best, also the media and other sources considered "reliable" lie and deceive so often that it would be hard to find a credible source to universally distribute, and it would be even more difficult to get people to believe the source was credible and not some form of propaganda...not to mention the financial amount that would be sunk in the attempt to gain and distribute said information).  
3. An effective model of the UN, which either has the power to enforce its will on national governments or that other governments respect and acknowledge the authority of.  
4. A form of governing body that has not yet been created.  Something that doesn't put the emphasis on Capitalism, as the faults of the United States seem to highlight the problems with the system, but it also can't be communism, as that too doesn't perform well in actuality.  Also, I don't believe socialism would work as it lack the motivation that people raised on capitalism need to thrive (though as I like socialism and slowly working towards a system similar to that might not be a bad thing).  I know there are other forms of government, but I have no desire or the knowledge to continue to impress the idea that currently known governments are inappropriate vehicles to create to fix the world.
5.  The actual food materials/health materials available to everyone so that one can live a healthy life as well as the time and information on how to exercise appropriately.
6. Completely different forms of technology that is less damaging to the environment
7. A definitive agreement on the extent of "animal rights"/what is or isn't "animal cruelty" and universally applicable laws on the subject (is it appropriate to kill animals for food or clothing?, are there certain circumstances that make is appropriate to kill animals for food and if so what are they?, what about plants' rights?  what does or doesn't exclude them from the same rights as animals and if it is decided that it is wrong to eat both plants and animals then what will the human race consume for substance?) 
8. and beyond all reserved for later inspirations, these are the immediate corrects I see that need to be made to move toward my above mentioned goals (though I'm sure if we did this there would be significant fine tuning as well as things I inevitably left out.  

Of course reading these requirements it becomes apparent that no one man or organization has the resources to complete even one of these tasks without significant resistance (in my own mind I do think that each of these tasks are impossible, I can't think of any one plan that is morally acceptable (you know the whole not breaking one's own aspirations by using military force or forcing people to conform) which would ever reach these ends ever, but I've always been a bit short sighted and abstract).  So the question of course becomes how do I personally plan on attempting or beginning the changing process.  My answer is somewhat flippant I suppose, but regardless, my plan is to live my life by my own beliefs.  

That sounds silly, and really condescending, I almost have trouble typing it, and I can't image telling someone that to his or her face.  But it’s my plan.  I am constantly searching for the truth and the common misconceptions of religion, and I intend on being outspoken with my knowledge as well as sourcing it so others can follow my research to check its accuracy. I do believe that most hatred and prejudice in religious terms comes from misunderstanding and fear, not actual intolerance. There are some fundamentalists in every religion that will disagree, but I can respect that and respect that I can’t force knowledge on everyone. In time the majority will become the sum, and fundamentalism will disappear, I won’t be there to see it, but I’m certain that it will one day occur.  I plan on living in and fostering community debate and acceptance of differences. I want people to see the way religion influences them and acknowledge it as an intricate part of their morals that they can’t foist on the rest of society.




I plan on opening an alternative healing center that will include holistic massage, energy work, and herbal remedies. I think that in living my life by my own codes and helping to heighten society’s awareness of different potentials and truths I’ve done my part. I think if everyone did their research in a topic they found interesting and actively spread the information while living their lives the way they would in their ideal world, we could, over time, “save the world”. I know as it stands there are a lot of bad people. I’ve read all about the Dominionst (my new political topic of interest) agenda and how well they are spreading it, but I think the majority of the population has more common and what I would consider quality morals and sentiments. The majority would outshine this smaller population and in the end I think others would see the logic and reasoning in these more humanistic principles over stricter black and white scenarios.




Part of it is I feel like making small scale changes that personally affect an individual will stick better and be a stronger message in the long run of life. I guess that part of it is I’m hoping for a domino effect, where I help those I come in contact with the resources and skills I’ve cultivated and those people will help others they come in contact with how they can who will help….so on and so on. I’m also hopeful that the people I come in contact with will find my help to be a high enough quality that they will recommend me to others and in that manner my methodology will speak for itself and win other people over.




I guess another large component to how I feel has to do with this idea of sacrifice I have been thinking on a lot recently. I don’t think that sacrifice has to be something the restraining of how someone is or the suffering of self for other’s good. I think that idea of sacrifice will cause resentment and drive people away from any sort of “charity” work or work for others. I think one should only become more centered in one’s own self and what one is through sacrifice. I’m not sure if that makes any sense at all, but it’s a concept in motion, and once I’ve got it more concreted I’ll throw out some examples. I guess one that I can think of right now is for example the simple fact that I don’t like going to visit the elderly, they scare me and I find the whole experience unfriendly. There are plenty of people who like that work and I should allow them to throw themselves into that work full force, while I tackle forms of charity I enjoy that I’m sure other people don’t like.




The idea of self love is growing in importance to me. But thoughts of that, are still to ethereal for me to throw out right now.




I think that’s it for now…its really not a lot, and somehow I thought it would be more. I’m sure I’ll have a lot of add ons once I think about it more, but that’s it for now.




I hope you’re having a blast at school, and I look forward to when we see each other again. I know that this isn’t a complete response to the topic, but I figured I’d give you what I have for now and flesh it out later ^_^. Well, hoping the weather is good where you are and you’re having good and enriching experiences.




-Jess

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You see there is a fundimental difference in how we react to the world.  
                    I want to help and you want what's best for yourself.


We are so very much a like,


but at the end of the day,


 Even though I can't sit through movie violence


I'll stomach any sort of actual hurt, if it means I can help. 

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Aug. 14th, 2005

Free writing of whatever enters my head...not expecting much

Tears come most unbidden to the fragile shell.  I would like to think that I am more than this.  I would hope that this isn't "as good as it gets".  But I'd also like to tell him to go away, and not can make a memory leave.  You haunt my dreams and your words echo ceaselessly in my mind.  I would like it very much if you went away and I suffered your tourture no longer... and at the very same time I hang out your words and breathlessly await for news.  I would like to doubt that it will come, but again I know you too well.  You have not forgotten me nor would you forsake your promise. 


It infuriates me tha tI think of you when I should be trapped in these feelings with another.  Some how the two weeks that I mourned him seems dishonorable.  Not because I should mourn him longer, but because my subconsious heart and mind betray my will as they turned thoughts to you. 


Have no misunderstandings.  I never loved him, but I cared greatly.  I was hurt by hurting him, and he will go out for blood in a way you did not.  I will burn this year for my choices and I could not care less.  I am burning bridges rapidly as I further commit myself into a completely inefficient, indulgent, and self destructive path that leads to the demise of all possible sucess and the salvation of my soul...who would have thought that the price of one is bought with the other?  Probably the same person who knew that I almost chose sucess over my soul. 


Does is make you laugh?  That all my ambitions, goals, and means to a fantastic end have been scattered to the proverbial winds?  Its alright if it makes you laugh, it made me laugh too...although I'm sure my tone was one of a slightly more twisted cackle to your pleasant chuckle...though you never been one to kick someone when they were down. 


However to be both honest and fair, I am not down about my path's change, despite some misgivings.  I have always been a strange creature in that manner though.  Change only seems to excite and entice me.  I have no true fear or apprehension about it.  I have no regrets or doubts.  While I do my sare of combing and reflecting on the ancient past, I never look back on the recent past without prompting and I never have regrets.  I am completely aware that I have repeated regrets in a way tgat nakes ut siyndt as if I am hiding something and perhaps I am, but consioult I did it as a way to explain how I can compltetly walk away and disentangle myself from all that was.  It makes me look cold abd naybe I am, thought I doubt it, perhaps it is less about being could and remorsless and more about adaptablity.  But I am too close to learn these truths. 


You know I do have an ultimate all consuiming passion in this mess somewhere right?  I mean wveryone does, its jist a matter of finding it is all.  Now I know you're laughing, how could you not?  You probably know my passion even though I don't.  I'd ask you, I love to hear what you'd say, but the exercise would be pointless.  You'd never tell me...and even if you did I'm too pigheaded to listen. 


It doesn't really matter.  I don't need your help or anyone elses.  I can find it all by myself, yes I know it would be quicker and easier with help.  I know that there is not shame in help, but what you and all others I know fail to realize is that it is so much more satifyinh to do it myself. 


Besides there is no one at the MCLA who can help me on my quest.  Not that it really matter, I have some leads.  I know my passion isn't either math or soley English.  In some ways I am sad to see them both go.  I could have been very skilled at both and I do enjoy them quite a bit, but I lack a passion for them.  Ocassionally I mourn the loss of such a beautiful dream, but even as my seolve wavers, I know that as tremendous as that dream is, its not mine.  Much of my sadness in its loss is merely the respect on would give to the destruction of anything truely great.  I know whatever sprouts up from these ashes will be neither as great or as respected as my last dream.  Following God and religion along with art is rarely respected at all, but even as I cringe at society's blatant shunning, blissful contentment washes over me at the idea. 

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Apr. 13th, 2005

Oddly enough I feel like crying. 

I don't know why Spring makes me so depressed.  Its weird because I love the spring, I've always loved it.  Its my favorite season, damn it.  Sunshine and flowers are my friends, and yet I'm here, in a pit of something or other that I know from its familarity but do not understand. 

 

I had a dream a few nights ago, it was weird and i don't understand that either.  I only remember peices of it, but I'll try to write it down accurately...so much jumbling.  So at first I was home, on some sort of break, and I was sad and scared, so if felt just like being home (stupid coward that I am).  Then Jeff drove over in a black are, which is weird in so many levels.  One level its odd because while Jeff has his liscence now, he didn't back when I knew him.  Antoher reason is strange is because even though Jeff has his liscence, I'm pretty sure he never drives, and he would never drive to my house.  Not to mention all the symbolism in the black car...its just odd.  Any how he came over the house and appologized for everything, and I appologized for my own part in it, and then he started going on about how he doesn't want to lose me and he wants us to stay close and blah blah blah.  I'm really happy about this in the dream because I really want to stay close friends with Jeff, even though I don't know how to so I'm nodding enthusiastically and what not, when I hear the garage door open and I freak, because my dad is home and I start shouting "crap my dad is home!  You have to go, he'll kill you if he sees you, he'll kill you, he'll kill you....."  And then my mom comes on the scene and actually puts aside her dislike of Jeff to help me hide him so my dad won't find him cause even in real life my dad would probably hurt Jeff if he got the chance.  I manage to sneak out of the house with Jeff and we hang out, and after a while it becomes clear to me that Jeff thinks we're on a date, and I'm thinking to myself "no no no no no no no no no no no no no", but in the dream I sort of go along with it for a while because I want to be close with him.  ITs weird because at that point in time parts of actual life come back to me and I think about AJ, and how allowing this illusion to go on even if we never kiss or anything is a betrayal to him.  I think about how much I care for AJ and about how I've grown out of a more serious relationship with Jeff.  This part of my dream made me realize that I could never have and never want anything more than a friend relationship with Jeff again, which makes me strangely happy and sad.  Happy because I know I made the right choices and sad because in some ways  I still regret them. 

 

Then the dream changes a bit, I'm still "going out with Jeff" but for some random reason Ietie has called me (he's a kid in my Semiotics class, but he was acting as part of the MCLA representation) and asking me about why I orginially joined MCLA and whether or not I was still interested in the tiger training program....which is weird only because the tiger training program thing at MCLA is this reoccurring motif in my dreams, sometimes I'm in the program and sometimes I'm just randomly applying for it and sometimes I'm talking about why I dod or don't want to do it.  The fact that it reoccurs so much often makes me wonder whether or not its real, until I realize how stupid an idea that is, why would MCLA have a tiger training program? 

 

Then there was the weird clip of something or other or me and Kathleen driving away from MCLA, it was a big deal we like had to escape the college or something and then we came back to my house but were still slinking around and hiding and then KAthleen mysteriously dissappeared and my mom entered the scene and asked how long I would be staying, and i was like till break is over and she looked confused and walked a way. 

 

Such a weird vivid dream, but anyhow my time here at the labs has run out and I'm off to TA, love you all and talk to you guys later.  Oh, and sorry about the random poems in the live journal, i had meant to free write and that's what came out.  Oh well. Bye

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