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Dec. 31st, 2007


One of my poems from the portfolio warnings inclued bitterness and implied sexually implicit material.
Tags: ,

Dec. 5th, 2007

A Kind of Shitty Poem

Jun. 29th, 2007

Well, I'm bored.  A little anyway.  I should call Zac, I haven't really talked to him all week...but I don't really want to talk to him right now anyway.  I know I'm a terrible person.  But I don't like talking on the phone for one thing and another thing is just that I don't have anything to say.  The only think I hate more than not talking to someone is calling them when I have nothing to say to them.  No planned topics.  No cute little stories.  No speeches or preps.  Just a "hi"  Oh why hello"  *many inhalations laters and stating of the same repeative stuff*  "Well I'd better get going"  "oh alright see you".  Besides he's at work anyway and I'm busy plotting my future. 

Kathleen is right.  I problably won't be able to take off to Arizona.  I'll probably stay in the area and go to community college to get certified in either nutrition, massage, yoga, or sonography.   I'm thinking nutrition first because its most legit and then I'll expand out into yoga and or massage.  Sonography is only on the list because they make a lot of money, the feild is only expanding, its not an invasive procedure and I love babies. I know it sounds really random, but it makes sense for me.  I wish I'd done that in the first place.  I fucking hate college, it is not my kind of place.  But I've never been a person that could tolerate bullshit....Man I picked the wrong major.  lol (but not really) 

Kathleen may also be happy to hear that my character in Escape Artist turns out to not be anything like her really at all.  What do you know words have a way of doing that.  I mean this character drinks and she has a car and no boyfriend and meh how she reacts I guess that Kathleen could react that way, but you've indicated that if these circumstances came about you wouldn't be as...kind I guess as I've made Melissa.  I'm trying to decide if she's too nice or if she just knows her friend is a spaz so she sort of expects it. 

So the words in Paralyzer by finger 11 almost ruin the awesome beat it has going on...almost.  The beat really rocks.  Plus the words aren't bad, I just really am in the mood for more mushy gushy undying lovey dovey lyrics. 

Not that you could tell with what I've been listening too.  I mean Naive by Kooks, Capital G by Nine Inch Nails, Forever by Papa Roach, and now Paralyzer aren't exactly love songs.  With the execption of Capital G they do all adress love but none of it really takes on some true romantic idea of love.  Just as well, I don't really think that exists anyway.  Love is fucked up as a general rule.

Oh, I do want to thank you Barbara for your advice.  I always love advise and pointers ^_^  Plus it was kinda helpful.  I mean maybe I could make my interests marketable, the fields are growing. It can just be frustrating for me because a lot of the time I feel like all this time in college has been a colossal waste of time.  Oh well.  I have learned a lot about different kinds of writing and I've learned a lot about people, even if that really only serves to sharpen some of my cynical humor. 

That's one thing in writing I've never been able to manage.  I don't have that light happy jaunty humor or even that ridiculous humor some writers have that I really admire.  I'm funny but its usually very dry and on the dark side.  Strange how that works out.  You know how a lot of the times you can call the kind of writer a person will be for how they act?  I'd have never called that all my writing would be so humorous and at the same time depressing.  Oh gods, I hope I'm not secretly (or not secretly to everyone but me) one of those people that are depressing to be around but you can't help but hang out with anyway because, you know, its that car wreck you've got to see to the end.  Meh (yeah that's my teen though I"m not longer a teen, disaffected youth sound that I use as often to cover the level I'm affected as it is to show how little I care.  Woot facades...or is it?) 

Probably going to visit AJ on Sunday.  I'd like to see 1408 when we hang out, but who knows.  I also want to eat Portuguese with him at that resteraurnt, but I'll have to see.  I'm not even 100% sure I'm going.  We started to make plans, he side tracked and then had to call me back.  Then we lost service.  The next time he called back I didn't pick up or the time after that.  I was busy and you know to be honest AJ wears on me a lot faster now than he did when we were younger (I say that like its been a long time but it hasn't, truth is I'm just tired and a little worn out and often AJ just causes headaches and I can't help him or me).  Terrible friend, I've got it.  It's almost comforting that he's a bit of a terrible person so we're even.  It's more comforting to know that he's only talking to me because his real friend and him are in a fight.  At least he's given up on the "dreams" where supernatural forces predict our marriage.  That war really beginning to piss me off. 

Saw that Lisa has returned to the lj world with surgery to boot.  Here's hoping for a pretty poem or at least an interesting one if it can't be pretty (not that I'd expect any less) soon. 

Hell yeah, I'm just dropping all the lj names this entry.  I guess I'll add Alix, though her update is before I went to North Adams a week ago now.  I guess she keeps up via lj.  I read your lj too Alix, but you know most of the time your life has very little to do with people or things I'm completely familar with.  Plus you don't explain what's going on, its all emotion and no action.  Not that I'm complaining because certainly lj is totally for whatever you want it to be for and I probably shouldn't understand what's going on in it.  Me personally, I like to give stories because I like reading what I've written later, but I'm kind of a nariccist (spelt terriblily) like that.  I'd like to think lots of people read the lj cause I write good stories (don't worry I know better often the lj doesn't make sense or I'm just not that exciting, plus the grammar and spelling can make it hard for even me to know what I meant).  Though mine is longer than yours too so kudos for reading the entries at all.  

I'm going to shout out to Davey because even though I haven't read through all of his jouranling, I saw it and I like Dave, even if we don't talk much.   DAVE YOU ROCK!!!!!  And I hope that whatever you are or aren't doing you're happy. 

I need to let go of some of my resentment to Kevin too.  I didn't even really think I felt much of anything about him anymore.  He's one of those people you can just forget like that for a while, you know?  Anyhow, I saw his lj screen name on the home page (because his birthday is coming up in a couple of days) and I just got so angry.  I went to his lj to post a comment that told him just how much he sucks (even though he hasn't updated since 2005 and he's probably forgotten this site exists just as he's forgotten I exist...which is probably what I should do too (in reverse not about me))  when I remembered he'd get an email telling him someone commented on his lj.  That could have been really embarassing and really stupid.  I'm stupid to still have this lingering resentment towards him.  I don't know what it is even.  Its just there and its really deep.  I have no clue what it means other than the fact it probably isn't healthy.  Sure our relationship wasn't healthy and sure our parting was less than pleasant.  It's been a year.  I really never see him.  I don't get it.  I'm really happy with Zac.  He's a really sweet guy that I'm just comfortable around and what not.  I don't ever miss Kevin or even miss our relationship.  Its not that.  While apparently I do want Kevin to die, I don't have a problem with the idea of him dating other people, in fact I get this great image of him with a really dumb ditzy blond that kind of clicks as perfect (and is probably true to life if you add in some mental problems).

And still he just evokes these weird deep reactions (not positive, I mean besides killing him he also makes me want to flee in terror sometimes).  I mean this past week Zac and I watched a movie at beta right, and at the end when it went quiet we could hear pines.  And I heard like girls and boys voices and froze and listened, like who's over he there?  And boom there was this like immediate irrational fear along with a desperate need to just run.  Seeing him wouldn't even mean anything to me if he was there as he doesn't acknowledge me and with this haircut and my glasses he could really pretend to not know who I am.  I don't know how to react to that unreasonable panic that I might have to see him and I sure as hell don't know what to do with all that anger I get over him sometimes.   Meh, such is my life sometimes.  I'm emotional by nature, just usually I understand this kind of thing so much better. 

I'm going to make spicy Udon soup tommorrow because I can and because I think it will be yummy.  Alix has had me hankering for it since she ordered it at Jae's.  I almost got that, but then I realized I'm not a huge fan of Jae's Udon.  Its not bad, but for some reason I really like the Udon over at Chopsticks better.  Meh

Whatever random not at all transitioned things will my brain thing of.  I'm an English major and still each paragraph should be like a completely separate entry and not just a paragraph.  Its not even flowing in my brain in coherent thoughts.  USually the jumping makes sense to me, but tonight it is just random jumping.  Whatever (ha a different word than meh, that also is the same dispassionate tone). 

I've definately got a poem rattling around in my brain.  Its been there growing and shaping for almost a month now.  Its dark and kind of gruesome.  I don't want to write it, but at the same time I'm getting kind of desperate to get the imagry out of my head.  On the other side, my brain will continue to fiddle with it, written or not until its worked it all out.  I think it might be three quarters done.  I'm trying to decide if its really orginal or really cliche.  BUt like everything else, everything there is to say has already been said, it will all come down to the final presentation. 

I can tell that I'm bored and my brain is being under worked partly because I'm writing a poem and keeping track of it in my mind but most because my brain is keeping track of everything and doing math problems with it all for shits and giggles.  I don't even think about it and I'm crunching numbers in my head just because.  Right now I"m adding and in a minute I'll divide.  What is it you ask, well it started out with how much paper I used in the photocopier today (1785 sheets) and since then I've been doing the well the copier holds amost 7000sheets of paper and I've filled it twice this week.  Its quickly degenerated to taking the reminants of these numbers and just adding shit to it for no good reason.  I guess I miss math somewhat.

My thoughts are scattered as hell today...well all week really.  I thought this would help clear it up, but not at all.  Oh well.  I think I'll quit before I'm more behind, which will happen if I keep thinking about all the other shit I want to write and do.  Meh see ya'll

Jan. 29th, 2007

I hate Kevin.  I mean really actually hate him.  I feel like I'm suffocating with all this anger and malice towards him. What did he do recently to make me feel this way?  Nothing at all.  I just woke up from a dream that he was part of and I hate him.  I don't think I've ever felt this way towards a person before.  Its not just anger, its like complete disguist for him.  I don't want him to just fail at life and go away, I want him to die, I mean really die.  If I could watch that would be preferable.   I'd like it if he fell prey to a stoke and died in slow painful convulsions.  Though, alcohol posioning would be more fit, I'd love to watch him drink himself into the grave.  The stupid look and that completely idoidic grin on his face as he pounds his fourtith man shot.  He sways on his feet and for the first time his obliviously little grin falters.   He staggers and all his peers laugh unaware of the danger or perhaps they really don't give a fuck, its so fun to be drunk just watch how even the  biggest heaviest drinker of us forgets about our limitations.  He's going to puke...or pass out he doesn't know which and he tries to get to a toliet.  He staggers and falls, can't even walk he's so drunk and his "friends" laugh and reminse about when this happened to them, meanwhile Kevin shakes as death's chilly hand caresses an already doomed man. He can't do anything.  Control of his body is completely lost, he can't control the shaking, it's a struggle to breathe, and he is so tired, that he might just sleep there on the floor.  A smart man would panic, even that drunk a smart person knows what is going on, knows that the last thing they can do is go to sleep, they've at least got to puke first or they aren't going to make it, a really smart person would know that you can't let yourself sleep.  He might not be able to even call out to someone else, but he would fight not to sleep.  Kevin isn't a smart man though, it would be unliekly he would struggle for his life, and as his eyes dropped for the last time I would swoop in, people would think I was still that worried and anxious girl who helped him home on more than one occasion,  and any annoyance that they might have to scrape him off the floor themselves would disappear.  As they completely forget about the man on the floor, I'd stare into his eyes in his last moments fluttering for death, glazed over and confused and I would laugh as the fucker closed them for the last time.  

Now what dream could make this senario so satifying?  The answer is easy, there is no dream alone that could make this such a fullfilling little fantasy.  I mean all I can even remember of the dream is little pieces.  Me and some friends at a weird basketball game with Kevin just being a huge ass.  Me at the pines house post break up and fighting with the boys.  Me listening about their god damn stupid formals and me wanting to wring their necks.  Nothing that was said, while asshole, is worth it, and nothing they did, while some of it had that outrageous unbeleivable dreamness to it was worth it.  I don't know what's come over me at all.  I feel like part of me has snapped forever.  I don't think that if I saw him I could control myself, I think I'd do everything possible to attack him.  I'd want to punch him, but I'd probably just leave, because there is not damage I could instil on him that would equal the hurt and destruction he has done to me.  Nothing short of killing him would make it equal.  I can't kill him because I don't have the strength or the resources and because I'm not going to jail for that son of a bitch.  But if I had the resources and I knew I'd get away with it, I would waste that asshole by any means necissary, even if I had to tolerate a little gore to get it done.

Dec. 15th, 2006

P Dearest

Tags: ,

Oct. 26th, 2006

P Socialite 101

Socialite 101

Drop dead drunk
Drugged to delirium
Dizzy dancings under disco ball light play round and round.
Decadent decor in the fashion of dim lights
Desperately desire to deceive the dingy reality.

Am I the girl dressed delicately dreaming of the party to die for
Downing beers like they are more delicious daiquiris?
Deepened depression deemed it right
To drown my esophagus

Drops downpoured into deep devastation within.
Just the thought demands a dirty bile-filled tongue
To dutifully dislocate from a much offended mouth.

Dis-empowered, my body stays in a daze
Displeased by demands to rise sent from the dictator that was my brain
Disturbed, I shake uncontrollably on the cold tile
All hope of making it to bed dashed.
Did I devour enough booze for an "overdose"?

Too mentally damaged at the moment to be disgusted.
Dare myself to stand,
Sliding like there's dishwasher soap down
Desperate to deter more damage
I dangle from the towel wrack
My intestines churn in dangerous warning
Damn it, face first in the toilet for what won't be the last time.
Dumb is what I've been
Definitely not too dented to determine my decisions were disgusting.



Author's Notes

This particular piece is really dedicated to my first Thursday at college where I somehow managed to consume 15 drinks without dying.  I don't have any clue what I was thinking.  Well actually I do.  I just wanted to "get so drunk I couldn't feel feelings" anymore.  Some of it was depression.  Some of it was social pressure.  Some of it was trying to impress/showup an old flame.  Some of it was trying to be friendly and cool with a new roomie.  A lot of it what me just trying to escape.  I think the poem speaks for the outcome and my thoughts in hindsight all on its own though.

As far as ratings go, I would give this pretty high marks. I like the way I managed to work the d sounds into the poem through out. It doest a good job of tripping the reader up and sort of making them sound like they are drunkenly stumbling along with the poem. I also like the comentary on society today. While its a little pesimistic, it really is what a large portion of the college scene and young people's social life is about. It shows contempt and dislike for the actions but at the same time desire to partake even if the after affects include illness and possibly death.

Oct. 21st, 2006

I'm lonely.  Very very lonely.  You know why I started dating Kevin?  More than I cared about him.  More than I wanted someone to be there for me.  More than I felt threatened and I thought that he would take care of me.  I started dating him because I was lonely, and really at the end of the the only one I really can't stand to be alone with is me.  I don't know what the hell to do with myself. 

I miss companionship ever so much and I'd do just about anything for it.

Oct. 10th, 2006

P My Haiku

Tags: ,

Oct. 9th, 2006

Is it wrong that I'm still furious at him?  I know my anger gives him power, and that he doesn't even think about any of this at all.  I just want to wail on him until he's nothing more than a pathetic bruise.  I know I don't have that kind of power.  I want to eat him alive.  I want to see hom beg for mercy.  I want him to admit he's wrong.  I want the boy I knew and cared about to return and I hope somehow that vanquishing this monster will restore him.  It won't.  The man I loved probably never existed anywhere besides my head and though I don't feel anything beyond affront for that placed in front of me, I miss what was there. 

I know I"m better off without.  Strong more confident and capable, but still is it terrible that I miss what I had and that even if that can not be mine I wish that boy was still what is walking around.  This stranger hiding in a familar's mask hurts to watch more than the familar would.  I gues if this is what makes him happy and this is what he wants, what can I say to refute except that I find it distateful.  We're not even friends.  I can't even intervene in that way.  I'm disgusted and I don't know if its with him or me.

Oct. 6th, 2006

Alright, the ENTIRE CONVERSATION because people will all hear his chuck and listen to him without ever asking me.  And so that I can not skew it at all.  There are not edits or adds, this is exactly what was said how it was said.  And GOD I AM SOOOOO FUCKING PISSED OF AT HIM HE IS THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE TO EVER LIVE ASS FAR AS I AM CONCERNED RIGHT NOW.  I can only hope that he is shit faced out of his mind right now.  And even that doesn't make up for this.  Nothing will.  He is not my friend offically I want NOTHING to do with him EVER again.  I won't even say hi to him and I'm going to stop all acknowledgement of positive qualities and defenses for hime because he just doesn't deserve it at all.  ass hole.

 (5:51:19 PM):
 pledging beta?

Tigeresslilly8 (5:51:33 PM): what makes you ask that?

Auto Response from Nivek714 (5:51:42 PM): HOME............ leave some love

Nivek714 (5:52:06 PM): dont ask questions you already know the anwsers too
Tigeresslilly8 (5:52:35 PM): I can ask whatever I want, besides going to rush=/=pledging and RAs can't pledge
Tigeresslilly8 (5:52:55 PM): so its kind of a silly question
Nivek714 (5:53:22 PM): yea.....its is silly
Tigeresslilly8 (5:54:12 PM): so yeah why are you asking anyway? 

Auto Response from Nivek714 (5:54:15 PM): HOME............ leave some love

Nivek714 (6:38:24 PM): casue u were the one tthat said they hated all greeks

Auto Response from Tigeresslilly8 (6:38:24 PM): people are stupid  and need to leave me alone

Auto Response from Nivek714 (6:38:28 PM): HOME............ leave some love

Tigeresslilly8 (7:52:48 PM): no I don't hate all greeks.  In fact I like Beta a lot, I don't really have a problem with pines boys and any other distaste I have for other greeks is slightly unfounded and something I have to get over a little
Nivek714 (7:58:10 PM): well u hated them b4
Tigeresslilly8 (7:58:57 PM): no I didn't, they were there, I was potentially threatened by them and some of their behavior.  I don't really hate anything never really have
Nivek714 (7:59:29 PM): yea u have and u hated whalen
Nivek714 (7:59:40 PM): so whats with the change of heart
Tigeresslilly8 (7:59:50 PM): I dislike whalen because he is a HUGE ASSHOLE
Tigeresslilly8 (8:00:00 PM): it has nothing to do with his pines affliation
Nivek714 (8:00:24 PM): yea...
Nivek714 (8:00:27 PM): hard to believe
Tigeresslilly8 (8:01:02 PM): what do you mean hard to believe?  Whalen is a voilent crude drunked asshole who isn't even decent on the eyes
Tigeresslilly8 (8:01:24 PM): what the hell good qualities could he have that would make anyone sane want to hang out with him
Tigeresslilly8 (8:01:43 PM): and in that way I think his association with pines brings pines down in my eyes in some ways
Tigeresslilly8 (8:01:52 PM): it doesn't mean I hate all of pines or all frats
Nivek714 (8:01:52 PM): well what qualites do the rest of the guys have
Nivek714 (8:01:53 PM): ?
Nivek714 (8:03:25 PM): yea well u hated all the greeks u called my sisters bithces and know its like ur bf
Tigeresslilly8 (8:03:29 PM): honestly I like James, I think he is a really cool kid for a lot of reasons.  I also think 8-ball is nice, and even though I can't warm up to cock face he is always really nice and friendly to me and that goes a long way, also I like shawsy and I really like shawsy's gf
Nivek714 (8:03:37 PM): bf= bestfriends
Tigeresslilly8 (8:03:49 PM): well I don't really like your sisters at all
Tigeresslilly8 (8:03:52 PM): any of them
Tigeresslilly8 (8:04:01 PM): but that doesn't mean I hate pines girls
Nivek714 (8:04:11 PM): yea it does
Tigeresslilly8 (8:04:14 PM): I just haven't met any really nice ones
Tigeresslilly8 (8:04:23 PM): or really talked to them much in fairness to them
Nivek714 (8:04:27 PM): if u hate the girls u hate pines girls
Tigeresslilly8 (8:04:43 PM): I don't hate them
Tigeresslilly8 (8:04:49 PM): I barely know the cunts
Tigeresslilly8 (8:04:56 PM): I just don't like them from what I've seen
Tigeresslilly8 (8:05:01 PM): they could surpruise me
Nivek714 (8:05:03 PM): y are u being such a bitch
Nivek714 (8:05:18 PM): there was no need to call them that
Tigeresslilly8 (8:05:18 PM): how am I being a bitch?
Nivek714 (8:05:35 PM): callin my sisters and friends cunts
Tigeresslilly8 (8:05:37 PM): whatever, I oly see them being bitchy
Nivek714 (8:05:41 PM): do i talk shit about urs
Tigeresslilly8 (8:06:05 PM): well you'd be hard pressed to point out friends of mine treating other people like shit
Tigeresslilly8 (8:06:14 PM): and I"m not hard pressed to dp the same
Tigeresslilly8 (8:06:35 PM): am I judgemental sure
Tigeresslilly8 (8:06:43 PM): unfairly so most definately
Nivek714 (8:06:46 PM): yea well its rude to do that
Tigeresslilly8 (8:06:50 PM): after all I do barely know them
Nivek714 (8:06:58 PM): exactly
Tigeresslilly8 (8:07:11 PM): you want tme to lie and give you bullshit answers or "lessen" the langauge fine
Tigeresslilly8 (8:07:14 PM): I can do that
Nivek714 (8:07:17 PM): so i dont know any of ur friends so i am nice to thme
Tigeresslilly8 (8:07:29 PM): pines girls are sweet loving people who are generally accepting
Nivek714 (8:08:03 PM): if ur gonna act like a little kid its not worth talkin
Tigeresslilly8 (8:09:07 PM): well no one is forcing you to talk to me.  You brought up a subject.  I am responding to it in an honest and frank manner.  Then you said don't do that, so I shut up and said whatever you wanted to hear.
Tigeresslilly8 (8:09:16 PM): If anything I'm placating not childish
Nivek714 (8:09:41 PM): if anything u got something wrong with u
Tigeresslilly8 (8:09:56 PM): yeah attacking my person definately is mature
Tigeresslilly8 (8:10:02 PM): congrats on leading by example
Nivek714 (8:10:45 PM): no its not an attack but an idea u should think about
Tigeresslilly8 (8:12:09 PM): maybe you should do the same
Tigeresslilly8 (8:12:19 PM): and not talk to disturbed people if that's how tou feel
Nivek714 (8:12:31 PM): so whats wrong with me
Tigeresslilly8 (8:13:11 PM): there's not enough memory or time to store all that shit
Tigeresslilly8 (8:14:10 PM): I don't know why you're always interested in attacking me and being a jerk
Nivek714 (8:14:11 PM): wow that was very mature im proud that u are actin ur age
Tigeresslilly8 (8:14:14 PM): its not my problem
Tigeresslilly8 (8:14:26 PM): and I won't act my age if other people aren't
Nivek714 (8:14:31 PM): if im a jerk then dont come around my house anymore
Tigeresslilly8 (8:14:45 PM): you weren't there
Tigeresslilly8 (8:14:53 PM): I never have gone there when you were around
Tigeresslilly8 (8:15:04 PM): and if you're talking about the pine's house that's fine t
Nivek714 (8:15:06 PM): yea with niki
Tigeresslilly8 (8:15:07 PM): too*
Tigeresslilly8 (8:15:14 PM): I won't if you don't want me to
Nivek714 (8:15:18 PM): try umm both
Nivek714 (8:15:32 PM): the houses are for grown up people
Tigeresslilly8 (8:15:32 PM): you'll have to tell her yourself
Tigeresslilly8 (8:15:46 PM): and I think its pretty bitchy of you to ban her because you have problems with me
Tigeresslilly8 (8:15:55 PM): but whatever that's your deal
Nivek714 (8:16:17 PM): im not banning her
Nivek714 (8:16:21 PM): shes welcome
Nivek714 (8:16:29 PM): and so are u if u act ur age
Tigeresslilly8 (8:16:29 PM): ok then whatever
Nivek714 (8:16:30 PM): when ther
Nivek714 (8:16:33 PM): e
Tigeresslilly8 (8:16:34 PM): I won't go
Nivek714 (8:16:40 PM): not my chose
Nivek714 (8:16:44 PM): but its a good one
Tigeresslilly8 (8:16:54 PM): haven't I?
Tigeresslilly8 (8:17:05 PM): I don't seem to recall not acting my age there
Nivek714 (8:17:17 PM): u dont remember kappa
Tigeresslilly8 (8:17:19 PM): in fact I'm pretty sure I've never been anything but nice to anyone there
Tigeresslilly8 (8:17:29 PM): oh that
Nivek714 (8:17:41 PM): callin me names and lookn dumb
Tigeresslilly8 (8:17:49 PM): meh I wasn't even pissed just drunk as hell and didn't want to see you
Tigeresslilly8 (8:17:55 PM): whatever I don't really care
Tigeresslilly8 (8:18:02 PM): is that why you're attacking me?
Nivek714 (8:18:03 PM): so u start attackin me??
Tigeresslilly8 (8:18:19 PM): cause you're going to have to refresh me on what I said, I don't happen to remember
Tigeresslilly8 (8:18:26 PM): other than I started yelling
Tigeresslilly8 (8:18:35 PM): and considering that's the only time I've been like that
Tigeresslilly8 (8:18:46 PM): and I"ve been around you drunk many times this year
Nivek714 (8:18:48 PM): u called me an asshole and all these fucked up names for no reason
Tigeresslilly8 (8:18:56 PM): I don't know why you're picking that one out
Tigeresslilly8 (8:19:09 PM): lol, I wished i remembered it better then
Nivek714 (8:19:17 PM): casue u seem to be drunk alot and treat me like shit when u do
Tigeresslilly8 (8:19:39 PM): can you name another time that I treated you like shit when I was drunk?
Tigeresslilly8 (8:19:43 PM): at all?
Tigeresslilly8 (8:19:53 PM): or are you just generalizing from one incident?
Tigeresslilly8 (8:20:12 PM): as far as me being drunk a lot I'm drunk a lot less this year than I was last year
Nivek714 (8:20:13 PM): no at beta
Nivek714 (8:20:18 PM): u did the same thing
Nivek714 (8:20:23 PM): for no reason
Tigeresslilly8 (8:20:24 PM): when at beta?
Tigeresslilly8 (8:20:35 PM): I don't remember that one at all what day?
Nivek714 (8:20:48 PM): there first party
Nivek714 (8:20:59 PM): u prolly dont remember casue u were trashed
Tigeresslilly8 (8:21:29 PM): I was trashed I remember running into you, I remember you saying we had to talk and i was mean to you at my house but not at beta
Tigeresslilly8 (8:21:53 PM): and Kathleen is really the one who yelled yelled
Tigeresslilly8 (8:22:28 PM): and considering the time before that you were a huge asshole to me what the fuck did you expect when I saw you trashed next after that?
Nivek714 (8:22:28 PM): no this has nothing to do at what hapened at ur TH
Tigeresslilly8 (8:23:47 PM): at beta, I didn't yell at you, I saw you come in, I waved and walked away, saw you downastairs we started to talk it was a little fiesty, Niki came over.  You went out with her to get her cigarrettes and then you two came back and we didn't really talk or run into each other after that
Nivek714 (8:24:25 PM): no not that party
Nivek714 (8:24:30 PM): the one after
Tigeresslilly8 (8:26:12 PM): hmmmm, that incedent didn't happen at beta, it happened at kappa.  I've never yelled at you at beta house before.  That night I went out with Lisa and ended up staying on without them, cleaning with the betas for a while, getting kicked out going towards home and running into mike talking to him and then you came out
Tigeresslilly8 (8:26:35 PM): and i was kind of yelling at you cause it was fun not so much cause I was angry
Tigeresslilly8 (8:26:46 PM): but I'm not going to do it again and I've only done it once
Tigeresslilly8 (8:32:27 PM): The only other time we've ran into each other mutally drunk was at pines girl house.  I definately didn't yell at you, I said hil like twice, I waved a couple times when you passed and you kissed me, but nothing fiesty at all happened
Tigeresslilly8 (8:32:57 PM): and I saw you for like the fifteen minutes I was at the pines gusy party, but you didn't see or acknowledge me nor did I approach you
Nivek714 went away at 8:34:29 PM.
Tigeresslilly8 (8:35:40 PM): alright then bye

Auto Response from Nivek714 (8:35:41 PM): around

Tigeresslilly8 (8:36:15 PM): glad to see you have nothing to say to me in response, hope I clarified any previous miscommunications
Nivek714 went away at 9:11:48 PM.

Sep. 11th, 2006

Taking some Me time...even if I don't have it

I keep reminding myself that things happen for a reason, but the only thing I know is true with certainty is that I love him and I don't think that its ever going to stop...I dread seeing him because I don't know what to do and this weekend has not made that easier.  I know I'm supposed to pretend it never happened.  Maybe he doesn't remember.  Maybe he thinks I don't remember.  None of it matters.  It is a foolish game and I am a foolish girl, but whenever I stop and think all I can think of is that I love him.  I'm not ready to move on and its my task to do it just the same.  The only real solice I have in this is that I've done it before and I will do it again.  I'll mourn hard now when I can and while I feel it and then I'll move the fuck on with my life.  Nothing but now matters.

I make my own life much harder than it needs to be, and I keep telling myself this social thing will work itself out.  So you have a connection an allegence to your ex-boyfriend's posse, big surprise, it will wind itself up neatly in time.  So you want to be friends with your new roomie and Steve that will or won't work itself out, more won't than will at the moment, but I'm not really trying like I should.  I do like to go out.  I do like to party.  Honestly though, I just don't have the rest of my shit together well enough to pull it off.

I want to keep in contact with my RA buddies but we always seem to be missing each other now.  Some of townhouse isolation is starting to sink into my skin I guess.  Part laziness part no where I'm sure I'm welcome enough to go.

School is kicking my ass a little.  I'm going to love Miller's class, not for Miller, but for all the increddibly chill people there.  I feel like a loser saying that Miller's class is one of the few things I'm looking foward to this week.  But whatever, its time I get back to school and nerdy stuff, its really where I belong.  I might hate school but I love to learn and I really relate better to nerds than I do the partier people.  They're all great people, but with the nerds I always have something to say. 

I love Goldstein's class too and can't wait for that...but the readings are kicking my ass a little.  Whatever, I've done my best to read through em, what more could he want from me right?  

Power of words is a long suck ass joke.  I'm either going to laugh or rant about the class a lot.  

McRae is a joke, love the man to death but a one page response on what we read, doesn't even begin to cover it.  I've read one stanza of one poem and hit the requirement.  I'll read the rest....just I don't have to.  Study group there is good it will force good studentness upon me.  

Womens Studies has good books, but um....well the teacher was a no show on Thursday, we'll see tommorrow if that improves. 

RAdom is also kicking my ass a little.  My first activity wasn't what I would call stellar, but it was done and you know live and learn.  I missed my block meeting and that was sooooooooooooo stupid of me, I'm an idoit, but I did what I could to fix it and what else do people really want from me?   Oh well I'm just overwhelmed between my feelings and duties and while sometimes I'm up right now I feel pretty down.  Not down down just a little sad.  Its all good though, this will pass and life will be what it is. 

*has a lot of reading to do though and therefor must run*


Sep. 9th, 2006

P Just Me

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Aug. 22nd, 2006

Last Cali Entry I'm throwing in here before the book is done

Cali was cool. Much awesomeness insued.  I'm sure to recount it later for livejournal, so I won't bother writing it all up now. 

Meh, repeative and stupid trains of though run through my head.  KEvin, Jeff, school, boyfriend, sex.  Always repeating and always pointless. 

Hoping for... I don't know with Kevin.  Maybe a relationship maybe make him jealous maybe nothing.  I want a second chance on my terms.  He's not that kind of guy though, everything has to be his way.  In my most inner set of truth, I know he isn't mature enough for me.  He'll never really be ok with the fact that I love him and always will, much the same way I love Jeff and always will.   I'm beginning to understand love in new and valuable ways.  Just not ways I believe Kevin could understand or appreciate. 

As for Jeff...I'm still coming to terms with the fact that I love him in some sort of undying sense of the words.  It's hard when I stop to realize I will probably always fel this for's hart when I stop and realize that this is prettu much how I feel about Kevin and I'll probably always feel this for him.  a wash of raw emotion flows through me with too much intensity for me to discern anything but unfiltered feeling.  There are no higher thoughts or images in it for my brain to process and help keep my heart from drwoning in th tsunami. 

Love, sorrow, loss, laughter, joy all so rapidly and stronly there is little processed sensation but pain and possessiveness and an inability to regret. 

Gods I wish I could explain it to myself.  Then maybe I could make others understan.  Love isn't a drug or a fairy tale.  Nothing so simple can sum up so muc drand scale events. 

Enough rambling though.  It relieves little.  Sufice to say my mind and hear are in different places.  It's destined to be big and bold year with the life long lesson theme being love and all.  hat could go wrong?

I've decided to try to spend a yea as a pacificst and try it on.  I though a lot recently about violence, what's it purpose and what the implications of it are.  Violence is of course a method of control, so first what am I trying to countrol.  How does violence meet those needs?  Do I reall need control, can I really control, and does violence actuallyy acheive control? 

Violence is a scare tatic, one that once in place can not be removed if a person wishes to maintain control.  That's not really control though.  It is a system that opresses both parties.  I don't know what could replace violence on large scales, but I'll never know if I don't look.  Maybe the key is to eradicate fear.  Maybe violence is required.  I'm going to try and find out anyway.
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Jul. 28th, 2006

You're lying to me and I don't understand why.  

That or you're lying to them.  

The same betrayal you've complained about becomes your trade mark.  It confuses me and hurts.  The worst is I'll just never understand it and I'll never ask.  Especially when  I know what I'll get it a lie.

How can I trust any of it when at the end I've unraveled so many lies and deception.  Maybe what I thought was there was something I never had. 

Jul. 27th, 2006

I wish I had better recorded the past year's events.  Sorry, that's lame sounding, but it was so different and I learned so much and I had so many good times with Kev and they're all over and I have so few recorded memories....just looking back at them and making myself sadder than I was already....God I miss Kevin.   

I know I'll get over it....

I know it is for the best for the both of us

I know better now than later

I know that sometimes love isn't enough

I know that it would never work out

It doesn't help my suffering now

I miss him.  And it hurts more than I knew it would and it doesn't get better the way it should.  

I wish I was shitfaced.

Nivek714 (11:20:46 PM): you in a mood?
Nivek714 (11:20:48 PM): no way

All the things i could have said.  But I was good.  However for venting purposes: "Shut the fuck up you stupid prick.  You have no fucking clue what I'm talking about.  You don't know how upset I am or how much you've hurt me cause I don't fucking want you to.  You have no right to me any more or to assume you know shit because you don't.  Step the fuck off." 

Isn't enough he took my heart?  Does he have to keep talking to me and making me pretend everything is ok when its not?  I know he doesn't realize, I know that even though it hurts I long for any communication to reassure myself he doesn't hate me.  But the other side is, that every moment reasures me we are fine, when we're not and we're not going to be.  He doesn't love me and that's ok.  Its not ok that I can't have a conversation with him or about him without tearing a little.

Jul. 26th, 2006

I've always admired dido's "White Flag" because the main character of the song just told how she felt with no regrets and its really ballsy to go up to someone who's rejected you, where you know that there is no chance for anything with anymore and say "I love you still.  I know that means nothing to you, and I know I'm not supposed to say it anymore, but I do and not saying it doesn't change that I feel it."

Its like a release, you know of that feeling.  I mean, if you love someone, you love them.  Its not a feeling, in my experience that ever goes away or ever hurts less.  Don't get me wrong, you do get over it.  You aknowledge the hurt, and eventually over time you adjust to the ache and it hurts less, except on rare occassions where it flares with a vengence, but you know those are some of the times its more poginantly clear I'm alive and that its worth it, because for anything to hurt that much there must have been something just that great to move me to feel that level of pain and separation.  Besides I'm a master of covering up all that feeling bullshit anyway, it doesn't get you anywhere.  Revel in the good stuff publicly, mourn for the lesser times privately and move the hell on as fast as possible cause a party is going to have to come in soom.

See, (back to Dido and white flag folks) I'd always worry that would weird the other person out or just make things too socially akward.  I mean if you never say all that, you can pretend that you don't love them.  You can be friends, you can still be close, after all, that person will never love you again, sometimes close has to be close enough....even if it will never be enough.  Even if there is a big gaping ache, sometimes you just cut it out and keep moving like it never happened, because socially its easier. 

After all, people proclaiming undying love or just love in general, in my experience is quite akward and often causes a mix of fiestiness and sorrow.  Sorry, I'm destined to be morbid.   Broke up with Kevin last Sunday, for those who didn't get the memo (most of you probably don't care or read anymore anyway ^_^).  That makes it 8 monthes and 26 days of dating the offically longest relationship...I know I broke up with him but he forced my hand in it I didn't want to and yeah I still love him, but I'll build a bridge and until then I'll probably be a hostil romance hating bitch so yeah sorry y'all have to deal.

Apr. 4th, 2006

P Stairwell

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Mar. 27th, 2006


People suck so much sometimes.  This weekend has been so the drama for no real reason.  I guess I should just be glad its all over, but meh sometimes life just sucks for all of us.  

I want AJ to be better.  I want Kevin to be done pledging, I want things to just magically work out for me without any work and no I don't want to share what I mean when I type that.  

I pretty much want it all if that isn't too terrible to ask and I want it now.  I want to be somewhere very far away and instead I'm stuck here and not dealing the way I should but screw it all.  I'm going to hell eventually anyway and right now everything is at some sort of sick sense of calm even if I feel like its all messed up and wrong.  

I'm afraid that boy will hurt himself.  There was a time when I knew how to react and help him with shit, but its not my place and my ability has been stripped of me.  Whatever, its just angsting where there is no need.  He's fine, he always is.  He doesn't need me and never did, its all ego and I just don't know what to do to appease my abused senses.

I don't like Scott and I don't want to.  I should, the guy hasn't ever done anything to me and I have no reasons, I just can't on principle.  He tries to be friend I just brush him of.  I guess its just he seems oily, like a used car salesman.  I'd probably find those people agreeable enough, just not trustworthy, but what Scott seems to want (to me) is to control others and that screams danger to me.  Whatever though, he's nice to me and I'll just be careful.  I have no right to think as I do.  

The Jess Dennis, Druggy Dan and Scott triangle make me nervous and uncomfortable even though its none of my business and I shouldn't care what others do or don't do.  If they are fine with it why is my big nose there to start with?  I'm such a busy body sometimes.  

I want a hug, but really that doesn't make anything better.  I want to cry, but I'm afraid I'll never stop.  I'm afraid of what I'm becoming and I'm worried about what I am.  I don't know if this is for me and least of all, I don't know what I can do for it.  I'm silly and not reacting well to circumstances I've seen coming for a long time.

I want to write and I can't make the words I want to speak pop out on the page.  ITs a great idea I just can't seem to force it out of me...maybe later.  Its short I can wait.  

I worry a lot about the whole PINES thing and I shouldn't.  Kevin is my boyfirend and pledging isn't going to transform him.  He will always be who he is.  I don't even know the Pines boys (for the most part).  I'm scared of the Pines boys, they intimdate me and I get such bad vibes...I don't want to go to the semi because I am afraid and that's retarded.  They are going to be nice to me.  I can't run from everything.  I want so much to be there for Kevin and look the part for his sake.  I'm worried that I won't hold my tongue the way I should.  I'll be far to riled to drink and my sobriety will make me stand out more.  I'm worried of what I'll do.  There won't be anyone to talk to or cling to and I don't want to pathetically follow Kevin around the whole night.  I don't want to be like the wife in "Devil's Advocate" who's terrified that her husband is going to leave her alone at the party, because I won't be able to function alone there and  I will be scared and at the same time I don't want to annoy him.  This is so high school angsty of me and stupid.  The flip side is that I could say I wasn't going and lt Kevin go with someone else, but there's not way in hell I'm doing that.  I want to go for Kevin and be there with him.  I want to try to get along with the Pines guys, and I want to give them a fair chance.  How I feel about them isn't fair.  IT is harsh and judgemental and I want to show I can get over myself and my concerns.

Jeff hasn't gotten back to my letter and it makes me sad.  I know that I was a bitch that didn't respond to his letters for a long time and I shouldn't take it personally but I am.  I do worry.  I know I hurt him and its what I had to do and I don't regret it, I only regret the actions I took this past August that may have led to the downfall, and even then I can't regret them.  It was beautiful and what I said was true.  I do love Jeff, but not in a boyfriend girlfirend way.  I do plan on always having some sort of contact with him.  I do think about him a lot and those thoughts do make me smile.  He has left a perminate mark on my life and I hope I've done the same.  We'll never be more than friends and I know that hurts him and it hurts me to hurt him so, but I can't give him what he needs and he doesn't give me what I need.  Thats really what it comes down to.  I want so much to hear from him to reassure me that he doesn't hate me and he hasn't given up on our friendship.  Even if I sometimes and a bit of a bitch.

I'm so fucked, and yet I'm still not a starving child in Africa so life is good.  That's the comparison of this year, as long as I'm not a homeless starving person/child in a third world country my life is good and I should be greatful.  I know I'm quite a bit spoiled and being a huge drama whore, but you know no one can help how they feel and if I can't write it in my journal where the hell should it go?

Mar. 3rd, 2006

I'm not sure what's gonna come out of my mouth, call it a free write on life

I love live journal No really live journal is the shit.  I love all the different font colors and the idea of sharing with everyone and no one all at once.  IT rocks my socks.  The whole thing is like "well if you care to know all my inner most secrets and thoughts are out on the online for anyone and everyone to read...but only if you're in the mood ^_~   

On the flip side, I dont like when people read it before I get a chance to talk to them directly.  Its all like whoa man I need a place to vent, hello livejournal, and then you're all like yeah I'll Talk to that person about it later, but they get online and read all your shit before you can see them.  That kind of sucks...and at the same time it doesn't.  Cause for me at least, I am really anti-confrontational, it really drains me to have to face someone.  Even if I'm furious, when I go to approach a person I'm all self consious and like "yo maybe this isn't worth it, maybe I just don't care that much."  Now not only have I vented it all out and feel better, but the other person has seen it and knows what the fuck is up.  Of course that person is all fiesty and like "hey mother fucker have something to say to me say it to my god damned face," 

Its usually at this point that in my head I'm always thinking, "Well this is why I hesitated to say something.  It was this sort of hostility that I was kind of fearing,"  But you know no one can say that good stuff.  Cause the person is all like: "Well if you had approached me instead of pulling this B.S., then I wouldn't have resorted to this hostility.  I wanted to be an adult, but no, that's not how you wanted it.  Well you want to be childish, I can be too!!!" 

LOL, seriously though, what I was initially getting at I think was to say that recently I've been posting a lot of private lj posts, which isn't to say that I'm shutting you guys out, cause I'm not.  Just I've been working through a whole slew of emotions and I have no idea where all that shit came from.  I didn't want anyone to worry for me unnecissarlily and really I'm much better now.  That and I still don't know how much of it all I want to share or not. 

I sit down to write lj and the most fantastic things type out onto the screen sometimes and I'm all like "Fuck where did that come from?"  So of course I have to go back and really look at it and pull it apart and wonder exactly why.  A lot of the times when things catch me that much by surprise I've got to look at it alone first before I can hand it out to others.  You know, the whole making sure that what you feel is valid and not too avante guard for the rest of the world.  I know that sound conceeded and you know what, I am very conceeded.  I do think that often I feel and take things differently than other people, and while that's neither bad or good, its not something I want to specifically show people all the time.  A lot of the time I am just too damn dramatic for my own good and I'll make a massacre out of a paper cut (and we're talking the barely grazed the skin kind of paper cut ^_^) 

I guess I'm a bit of a hypocrit.  I want people to be very open and trusting with me, but I'm very guarded and closed off about what I will give back personally.  In some ways I would like to give back more to others, I would love to be more open and sharing, but I'm afraid.  I care a hell of a lot about what other people think.  I know I always say that I don't care, and a lot of the time I can even act completely disinterested.  Here's the trick to that, when I know where I stand and exactly how I feel, then I don't care about popular opinion, but if its something I'm even a little shakey or unsure of I won't do it. 

I've often thought that I was ready to share something only to find out that I'm not.  Like in creative writing, I thought that I was ready to share my poems and short stories with the class, turns out I'm not.  Its not even handing in the paper, its not so bad to give something out with the knowledge that someone will one day read it and critique it.  Its reading it out loud in class later.  I could even tolerate someone else reading it, because I can pretend that its not my poem/ short story...but to have to say it, everything I thought was good suddenly becomes posion.  I find myself desperate to learn when I decided to suck so much a writing and how on earth I could have ever thought I would be any good.  And then the critiques never help, when no one says anything all I can think is that its so bad that no one found it worth the corrections.  I get so upset and I just want to dissappear  or cry those silent streaming tears until the current has carried me away an all that remains of me is a slight puddle. 

In reality, I think most of what I write is pretty good.  I think that I have a decent amount of talent even.  Don't get me wrong, I have duds and things I like much more than others.  The work I have that I think is good I really do think of as outstanding work though, and I do think some of it is at a high enough level to be published, so its no a lack of confidence.  I can't put my finger on it at all. 

Its not like I read poorly either.  I'm pretty good at reading out loud, and provided I don't get nervous I'm really good at expressing and getting meaning across. 

You know what it is?  Its that for me, what I write is often a snapshot of exactly what I think or feel at the time that I write it.  Now sometimes that isn't valid in later context, but it is an allegory or direct words of what I believe to be truest for me at the time.  This beings said, that makes everything I write for myself (like this journal or a poem or a short story) very very very very very personal to me, and very revealing.  In a lot of ways its worse than forcing me to strip in front of a crowd.  Only a very few trusted people can hear certain selected pieces and for those people and only those people will I be comfortable to read whatever I wrote out loud to. 

I know that sounds silly, and it really is.  I mean anyone can read it, I don't have to think about someone reading it.  You know, its all good, like they can choose to address it or not.  When something is read out loud its a big elephant in the room.  Depending on what it is, there are follow up questions I want to ask, and there is always a certain response I want from that person and of course they can't know this or deliver it to me.  In some ways I guess it could just be too much expectation on my part as far as response goes. 

ITs so weird cause I'm not even really that afriad of being cut down.  I mean I've gone up and I've gotten that before, to be honest it doesn't bother me.  In a lot of ways it rolls right off, as long as someone can validate why they said what they did its all fair game you know. 

I know that this entry is going to bother Kevin in particular if he gets to read it, which he probably won't.  Its going to bother him to know that though I will read my work outloud, I won't read it to him, hell I won't let him look at most of it even.  Now that sounds unfair, especially since when he reads it all he ever ends up saying is very good things.  There are a couple parts to this.  One is that when I let Kevin look at stuff he ends up reading out loud and saying it in tones that it was never meant to have with pauses where they don't belong and it makes me a combination of furious that the work is being butchered by his lack of presence and terriblily embarassed that the words sound like such shit and can't stand alone without the intended sounds with them.  Another thing is that for whatever reasons kevin has a way of making me increddibly self concious of what I"m doing and saying and suddenly I feel really bad about myself and what I've written and all I want to do is turn back the clock to when I was five and I could run to my room and hide under my fluffy pink bed safe from any sort of attack.  ITs not his fault, he's a good supportive boyfriend, and I don't know what's wrong with me,  I'd like to say that its just with the territory of bf, but that's really not true.  I guess what it is with him is even though we have moved past the point of proving ourselves to each other I still constantly feel the need to prove myself and reassert my worth.  I know he thinks he knows me, and he probably does know all there is to know about me, but at the same time I can't help but wrack my brain over what he'll think. 

By nature, I am VERY emotional.  Not many people really grasp how emotional I am because I try to remain as stoic as possible in day to day life.  Just the fact that how I act in day to day life is as stoic as I get should tell you something.  Of course this leaves me with a lot of bottled emotions and feelings, things that I don't even know how to express normally anymore, so what I do with them is I write them all down somewhere in some way.  Sometimes I'll go too long without writing and all this feeling will flood me and I'll just break down and for the life of me I won't know why.  I'm a little unhealthily detached from my emotions, I can be furious and have no idea why, or scared or sad or deppressed or isolated.

I guess I don't know how Kevin will react to that part of me.  I know he doesn't really like those sort of emotions and I'm afraid to show just how much of those cards I carry around with me.  You'd never know from talking to me that I am more emotional than a good deal of the people considered "too emo" and "annoying" by myself and others.  I belong with a catergory of people I most often make fun of, and I don't want Kevin to ever have hard proof of that.  I don't want him to ever have toe oppertunity to make fun of that piece of me because it would hurt beyond measure if he ever did.

Anyway, I started this live journal just typing to see what would come out.  I have all these thoughts I feel like I should put down on paper, you know because they are pieces of my life I want to chronical, like lj is here for, but I can't seem to force them out.  Instead well all got caught up in this introspective garbely gook. 

Regardless, I'm sorry I have privated so many entries.  You're going to have to trust me on the content level being quality, but to confidential and uncertain for me to share.  Sorry again, I know you guys would all be good and supportive and the kind of friends people always dream of having, I'm just not ready to discuss it yet.  Or walk by you and know that you probably have read about a new facet of me even if you act like nothing new has happened. 

Anyhow, I've been doing a lot of herbology work.  My grand master herb list is getting longer and longer all the time, got to love that.  Also my herbs by symptoms is almost half way copied which is great. 

 I've also taken the time to reread Gardner's 161 laws and the transaltion to modern English of them.  I can't begin to tell you how glad I am that I'm not a Wiccan and that I did my research enough to know that I am not and can not be a Wiccan without initiation from a LINEAGED COVEN.  I might post the laws up here with my personal critique of them later for shits and giggles. 

I would also suggest anyone Pagan or New Agey read some of the "Oh My Gods!" online comic cause it rocks my socks XD

Started a new painting in class and it is definately soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much better than my last painting.  Kudos to me.  And that's another weird thing.  It doesn't bother me to show people my art work, even really terrible art work, but it does bother me to show them my writing.  I don't mind when people watch me paint or draw and I won't write if someone else is reading it over my shoulder....I'm an odd cookie >.< 

Meh, gonna end this here with a poem cause KEv is AIMing me and I dont want to keep him waiting, its a silly one..sort of.  Tell me if I should hand it in for creative writing or not.  I need to hand in two poems vote this one in or out ^_^


You make me feel awkward in my skin.

I can feel the thin film of sweat build,

Even though the room is cold.

I stutter when my voice

Could easily command attention.

I shift nervously

Because all I can perceive is eyes

Filled with negative judgments barely held back.

I hate this

And I detest you for putting me in this place.

If I wanted to speak up I would.

How dare you tell me how to present

The things I write

Are written because they are thoughts

I never wanted to utter out loud.

They were meant to be presented as they are.

Not with a nervous and quavery voice

But the bold face look of font.

So the words could speak strongly on paper

When my voice can't.


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