August 2012

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Mar. 18th, 2010

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Life is a little better. I'm still having trouble getting out of bed, but sunshine is infectious in a good way. Went to the doctors and they've confirmed there is nothing medically wrong with me blood work and all. I did blood work but not scans. The doc didn't feel it was likly there was anything to see, after all I have known "mood issues" that show up in odd ways all the time. My mother has decided I look ill, and that's not encouraging. She is intentionally the last person I let in on mood drops if I have any control at all on the situation. Even when she does her best to help (and half the time she is "helping") we just are too different from each other. She might have empathy but she doesn't do the meaningful relating part well.

I've been wearing a lot of make-up and jewelry recently, I want a nice new style that sticks (or shops the funk out or at least makes me look incredibly put together so no one will notice what I don't want them to notice). I've been growing my hair out some. I like it at the length it's at this moment or maybe a tad longer, but I don't think I want anything past my ears ever again. I was looking at old pictures to help find some young Kyle pics for graduation. Seems that while my long hair was beautiful, it was never beautiful on me (at least not in any of the pictures I can find). There's this jump between my mid back length hair and my curled to my ears hair in Senior and it's just like, 'Oh, there I am.' The other long haired girl is obviously me too, but I was looking for that happier more self assured person and even though in almost all my pictures I have this put upon forced smile--but I look sooooo much better without the hair.

I wonder where I picked up that weird picture pose. Emma is always thrilled to be in pictures she's in the middle of almost all of them striking cute excited "look at me" poses that I know no one coached her into. There's several pictures she wasn't meant to be in but she jumped into last minute fully posed and ready to go. It's humorous really.

My brother has a few forced pics but most of them are him caught off guard in delight and general pleasure.

I'm sulky or forced happy. Most of the time I find a way to turn my head away. Dunno the three of us are so very different no one can ever accuse my mom or dad of trying to make us similar or coach us to a certain way of being (or they could be it obviously was very ineffective).

In other news: I love that new song "Mountain Men" by Crash Kings. No idea what it means, a lot of people online seem to think it's some kind of kink sexy. I think its really just about two people out hiking and adventuring spontaneously and enjoying life though. It made me think of the rockies and living out that way even before I saw the music video. I also like how the chorus talks about "sipping sunshine", it makes me wonder if sunshine is the antithesis of moonshine (booze) and does that mean they are drunk on life or the experience of being out there alive and moving or is sunshine some kind of code for another drug? Dunno I love the song and it's possibilities.

I finally updated firefox and I love the personalities app. Currently enjoying random pretty anime theme. If anyone knows of a good personality theme for escaflowned, FFX, FFX-2, Samurai Shamploo, Mars, Boys Over Flowers, or anything Clamp let me know. I'd love that.

AO3 updated and I have a profile pick. I'm using the Dollhouse "Pimps and Killers (in a Philanthropic way) by hobbitofkobol. It really doesn't fit with the fic I read, the comments I leave, or the works I'm writing write now but the bold colors and the cheek suits me right now. The more I play on AO3 the more I love it. Right now I'm getting into several Watchmen fics, which I'd never have read any Watchmen fics without AO3. They're interesting and I like the different little snips of the original comic that people include. What I've been reading has sort of made me want to write a little drabble for something. Just a 100-500 word tack on to something, but I haven't isolated exactly what or where I want to say something, so I'm waiting.

Speaking of "Watchmen" I know it makes me a huge geek but I really want to see that movie "Kick-Ass". It looks like it could be really enjoyable. I love the names of the super heroes "Kick Ass" , "Red Mist", "Hit Girl" and "Big Daddy". Full of win. I love Hit Girl's costume too, I mean that wig is to die for. I like how she comes out of no where in the commercials and is somehow the most violent and aggressive of the superheros. I also like that Kick Ass is the geeky sort of weak looking guy who takes a serious beating when he dresses up and seems to just get up and keep going. Dunno, I've always been fascinated with regular people transforming themselves into some kind of idealization. Super heroes in particular seem to mean something culturally to me. I like to think it's similar to how mythology might have spoken to people of their day, rising about the mundane world to be something more. Choosing or feeling obligated to do this large task that it seems like no one else could or would do that still needs to be done. It goes along with my fixing people thing I guess.

Later today I'm going to help my tutor child and see how they did on their test. I really really hope it went well, but I have some reservations about several parts of the test that I don't think he managed to perform swimmingly on. I've only been working with him since Saturday and I have some worries that Mom's expectations. This might be my last session and its too bad because there is a lot I know I've done well and more I could do. Then again he might have aced the test or perhaps I haven't given mom enough credit in recognizing the limit to what I can do on short notice.

Cosi and I are not getting along but then that shouldn't be a surprise. They had me work all seven days last week which led me to a new vow not to ever go into work on days off. They've been a little annoyed about that new secret promise, and I suppose it's so common that I come in they think it's part of my job description. Well they can see all the help I've been in a more concrete way now I would hope or at least they will. If not, screw 'em they have shown no consideration for me, there is no reason for me to show them consideration.

Along these lines the kids at Cosi's were having a conversation about their preferences in a sexual partner, and I may have been too blunt in stating some thoughts I'd had. One of my co-workers whose nice to me but possibly a questionable person starting going on about how he was exicted that spring was coming up because there would be bikini shots of the ladies soon. He was encouraging one of my co-workers to post bikini shots in her facebook and she retorted with a you must like Asian chicks cause I have no rack and most guys who like Asians like the stereo typically flat chested girl. The male in question retorted that he would be the judge of what she had to offer in a swim suit.

At this point in time I cut in with the whole "it has nothing to do with how you look and everything to do with how male co-worker A feels like he's sneaking something on the fly by checking out girls he believes are wholesome, young, or minimally unsuspecting. He doesn't like women he likes the idea of having power over women and defiling them or their purity. He likes to think that he has power over you and viewing your pictures in his home and jacking off or even commenting on your general appeal is a power play that thanks to the internet he's allowed to indulge. It's also why he can't seem to get any in real life because women recognize that and generally find it gross." I probably shouldn't have said that (or at least left of the last part anyhow), but really how often am I supposed to listen to the strip club, "I want a young girl to train", "It's technically legal", "it's not stalker-ish if it's freely posted" before I lost it? That the female co-worker is still too young/inexperienced to get what was going on (none of the nudge nudge wink wink behavoir was in play) really just ticked me off.

I can't stop this guy from being a grungy asshole, but really I shouldn't have to listen to it for at least an hour every day either. If this makes him think twice before opening his gross mouth then good for me I think. I guess I don't regret it or feel bad at all then. Well I hope it doesn't negatively affect my job then.

Dec. 29th, 2009

So On to the Real World

Dec. 7th, 2009

Don't Judge Me

So I'm going to go see New Moon. I hate the concept of the books (I've never tried to read them so I can't out right dislike the writing though I loathe the plot) and I find the fangirls (and fanboys as it happens) generally pathetic and somewhat upsetting. This team Jacob/ team Edward stuff that everyone is embracing grates on me in so many ways. I mean Bella, no matter how simpering and pathetically she is portrayed is a person and not a game or a favorite toy for two "powerful and mysterious" forces to fight over. Secondly, we know what happens. I mean who doesn't know the outcome of the series by now? So why are we routing on a predetermined outcome?

I hate that the series is so popular amoung youth and adults that they are using these movies to sell cars. It was bad enough there were shirts, toys, perfume, makeup and so on but cars. CARS!

I hate all the vampire series that have cropped up trying to take some of twilight's success. I mean I just Do. Not. Like. any aspect of the phenomina. I'm fiercely annoyed that I can't look at anything without there being a reference or reminder or a sale pending on the series. I think that harry potter and lord of the rings might have been similar, but since I liked those things and chose to wrap myself in them, it's hard for me to tell if my annoyance is that I dislike twilight or I dislike my inability to escape or both.

That being said a new girl my age at work asked if I would go with her and I said yes. I don't generally have a lot of friends and I have less in the area now that I usually do. I thought a companion even a casual one that I'd have to sit through Twilight to possibly gain would be worth something. I mean you don't turn down someone's first offer to hang out unless it's dangerous because there may never be a second one.

So I'm going and I'm going to focus on what I liked and not think about anything thing else as hard as I can. So it looks like the guy playing Jacob, is a cute looking guy so there should be some eye candy. From the trailers the wolf transformation looks cool to watch at least. Um, I think there should be less screen time where I have to deal with Edward in this one than in others I could have been dragged to. The scenery looks like it could be pleasant. The girl playing Bella is probably a good casting call. There might be a neat score of music. I'm told the fight scenes are epic-but it was a bunch of love struck teens I was talking to so...

Yeah, I'm this desperate, but fuck it, I had good nights out watching shitty movies. I had a blast a Beowulf after all and that might have been one of the worst movies I've ever watched. Another positive thing no matter how much I hate the plot it is not humanly possible for the thing to suck as much as the whole mess that was Beowulf.

On related notes Zac is in Little Rock Arkansas and living with his sister while trying to help raise her baby. I want to talk about this and my feelings and I don't. Maybe in another few days. I was too emotional to even utter the words or think of the idea for a few weeks. Now I can wrap my head around it some and there's a lot of bitterness and darkness to a degree I'm a little surprised with myself. Am I this angry and vengeful? Is it all morose thinking or am I just being realistic.

I don't know I know some personal private information on the situation, I want to respect by not musing with it publicly, but I have a lot of reservations whether or not this situation is beneficial to anyone involved.

In spite of it all I do want him to be happy. I wish he and his sister a lot of luck and hope they can pull a sense of family together for little Hannah. She's going to be one in a few months. To think it's been so long and she was such a beautiful baby. Probably is still a beautiful baby and starting to form into a beautiful little girl.

Beyond Zac I worry for Ian too. He's out now alone in WY. I know his job won't cover the cost of the apartment he's living in. I know he has substance abuse problems and apparently is trying out AA meetings-though I don't think he has the sticking power for that without a stronger support system. I worry about him so far away from his parents especially without a friend in the area. I feel a little guilty because I didn't want things to be easy for him, but I never wanted him to be hurt or for him to lose his friendship with Zac.

Snow is on the ground here and its cold. I feel like so many people around me are going through little winters in their lives right now. Options are closing off and doors are locking them out and whether it's there own choice or not, I still don't want people out in the cold. I'm worried for them and I'm worried for me. I am just worried I guess and without a proper outlet at the moment.

Nov. 3rd, 2009

My mother woke me Up *insert the tears*

So yea, I'm a awake but a but grouchy. Both my mom and my dad have very early morning exercise and be at work schedules. I'm glad that they're exercising and not letting their lack of weight loss put them off their diets or exercise routine. I don't mind being vaguely awake and aware of those grumblings when they're moving around. I don't really mind when they call out to talk to me and make me fully awake either but I can't fall back asleep and when they leave I'm just tired and grouchy with nothing to do

It's all good, I'll drink tea later and life will pick up.

As a side note now that my facebook picture hunt addiction is over and my try to revive the insanejournal has proven it's not enough (can only post so often, sometimes I have nothing to say, not committed enough for a nanowrite, and can only respond to some friends and coms) I am addicted to facebook apps. I've got cafe world, farmville, fish town, and happy fish. I have others that I tried and just didn't make it to the temp addiction phase. So yeah I'm a little lame.

Moved around all my icons again. Since I only have about 100 free slots whenever I plan a massive update I delete a few I'm not using and add in the newbies. Sometimes i have more space at the end of the swap around. My fannish icons are getting less and less these days but I think that's because I'm not participating in the fandom as much as I should/thought I would. Need to find some Dollhouse and Fringe groups stat.

In other related notes, I've been slowly backdating old journals I never posted because I didn't have internet and journals I wrote by hand.  While going through my Senior high school journal I realized that beyond being pretentious and righteous and a know it all I sometimes had interesting thoughts and connections, but there's a lot of muck to rake through first.  

Also thanks to my backdating, all my Wyoming journals are off the first page of my journal.   There's more in between I should type in but I'm stuck at a particularly angsty journal I don't want to write in or look at again maybe ever. C'est la vie. 

Finished my application for an educator's liscence.  Hopefully the second set of tests will be worked up and graded soon and I'll have everything I need to start applying for jobs.  It's not an ideal time to hunt but we've all got our crosses to bear on that front.  Minimally tutoring of some sort should be approachable.
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Jul. 31st, 2009

Updates

I have been writing a lot in my paper journal on my back and forth from here to Boston.  I''ll probably back date and add those entries in later for my own records.  I think there will be a lot of time spent journal writing that way this summer.  It makes me super glad  I got a small cute owl journal earlier this year. 

Today is pretty much the day I'll have off for a little while.  Not complaining about it at the moment, just saying.  

I'm still really into the work I'm doing at the fund, which is good because it's only been three days and it would be terrible if I suddenly stopped liking it.  I find that I'm surprisingly a tiny bit embarassed to explain or talk about what I do to other people.  Which is odd because I've never felt that way about working for fast food or working as a secretary.  Maybe it's the way people rush to tell me I'm doing a good thing and have a strong moral compass and so on.  It's like they are justifying the work for me or something.  I don't like the feeling that people are making excuses for why I do what I do. 

And I'm not doing something embarassing.  I'm a grassroots activist with strong focuses in bringing information to the public, getting support and bringing momentum to campaign against big buisness lobbists.  You do that one person at a time door to door or on the streets.  Then you follow up with publishing as much as you can in any newpaper, magazine, or other work that will have you.  You petition and send letters to congressmen and reps.  None of this is embarassing stuff.  It's empowering and interesting and potentially hope laden.  I'm confused by my own reactions when explaining the job really. 

Met this kid Todd the other day who goes to MCLA.  Got a million little bits of gossip from him and I was loving it.  We had a ball and I'm sorry that I won't be seeing him again.  Makes me think this job is really going to give me more of a chance to reach out and make some more friends or friendly aquantences.  The ones I have are great but I need a few more really.  And I know I'm done with college and need to move out of that mind set into something else, but I dunno, as long as I'm not trolling college activities and classes looking for friends, it's probably ok for me to float for a little while. 

  I also noticed that if a gay guy tosses around the word whore all the time it doesn't bother me.  Maybe because he never really meant it as any one thing, just something to say inbetween like cool or awesome would be for most.  Maybe it's my own persceptions of who can or can't call someone a whore.  I don't know, it's got me thinking.  Because I know people have used that word causually in convo and it's pissed me off, so I'm trying to figure out why now, while I've recently been hyper sensitive about language and its usuage, hearing whore bantered around made me laugh and shrug most of the time.  Is it a preconcieved notion I need to address with me or is it really a case of context and usage?

The veneer of the Fund has been tarnished for me and I'm relieved. I learned that it's all about the money and being liked as far as staying goes.  They do actually throw away some of the petitions when they become unwieldy instead of saving them all.  They keep people they don't like or trust or whom don't follow protocal if they make money and if you don't make money and are liked you can stay forever.   It makes me less nervous to know who I'm playing ball for and to know it's all the status quo.  I think it might be enough for me that the money and effort is going to the cause and that there's a middle ground between horribly earnest and intense people and people who don't care at all.  It's more human. 

And I'm off to Jason Maraz soon so I'm happy all around.  Will tell more about the Mohegan Sun and all else afterward, but I'm stoked.  ^_^
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May. 27th, 2009

Letter to Zac Break up post and what not

Zac,

So my emotions are finally in such a state of flux that I don't know what they are. I think I'm angry and hurt which is mostly amusing because one reason we dated was that I didn't think you could hurt me. I'd had my share of know down brawls and I was done with them. I needed someone safe and secure.

I still don't know what your raised voice sounds like. I don't much care either.

I thought our relationship meant more. I should have known you have no sticking power. Between an unpleasant place and the possibility of better living, you chose the known quantity. I wasn't safe or sure enough for you to consider the risk.

You choose the stupid risks over those that might actually land you somewhere. I left thinking I just didn't get it, that you were some mystery. You know what, no one gets it!

There is so much I don't get:

1. Why didn't you pick a major and finish. You knew the debt and you meandered around. I was a luxury you didn't have.

2. Why Wyoming over Ian's?

3. How could you just give up without thought? What did I do that made you decide I wasn't enough to even consider and in light of choosing not to, why didn't you lie? You couldn't wait until after I left to break up?

You are on of those people who can never be at fault because you never choose. You are at fault by not choosing sometimes as much and then you never got what you wanted from the whole mess.

Can you even make a decision? Are you capable of being ahead of the curve instead of behind it?

I don't think I want to talk to you or abou you again. You have hurt me so much without meaning it. You don't mean anything ever though.

I'm so hurt, angry, and sad. I don't regret but I don't know if I'd be amenable to seeing you again, even on an as friends basis.

Perhaps the saddest outcome is that I don't hear you. With those I spend so much time with, there are imaginary mental counter parts with whom I speak to in place of the actual. You don't have on because you never have anything to say. You believe people like talking just to be heard, but I don't. I want the response, dialogue, reactions, thoughts. I want another view and balance. You never gave me this. I think you could have but didn't.

I did value your acceptance. Open arms and keen but kind eyes was something I needed, but one can't be done to the exclusion of the other. It's always been hard for you but I'm not binary girl. Either or's aren't my mindset.

What I miss most about you are the touches. It's something that you'd think I could get elsewhere. In some specific scenarios, I know I could do better even. You'd be surprised how reluctant I am to replace those comforts or how many of those warm hugs and rubs fall flat. Sad melancholy those people meant to chase away deepens. Your touch meant support, love, affection, acceptance. Even as I know your body lied, created a support system the rest off you had no intention of giving, I miss it. Its nice to feel that with no strings attached even if it's a lie.

All of this is to say that while I'm a liar and emotionally unavailable at times, you are a deceiver. While I don't love you, can't love what is really there: a scared boy who wants a stability and love from his parents that they will never be able to provide. Someone who chases this illusion subconsciously and single mindedly to the destruction of all else-- and if this isn't you either, I have no clue who you are. Shy, fearful in so many ways I'm not, you were good for me in spite of it all. I'm mostly sorry I wasn't good for you in some way. I hope you figure yourself out. I hope you find what you need. Most of all, I hope you find your joy. I'm sorry I wasn't more helpful in those pursuits. Goodbye.

Never Again Yours.