August 2012




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Oct. 25th, 2009

A little imagination...

Oct. 10th, 2007

Feeling a Little Nostalgic

It's been raining since Monday. In spurts of course. Sometimes it's drizzles and sometimes it's like walking through Niagara Usually I hate the rain. The dark overcast makes me sad and it makes me want to curl up in bed with my comforter cocooning me while I snuggle my ginger heating pad. What can I say though, I'm easily depressed.

Zac loves this kind of weather. He likes the wet just rained air. Says it's the cleanest air after the hardest rain. He likes that the sun won't hurt his pale skin and apparently light sensitive eyes. We go out together and I sit on the cement steps watching the rain while he just stands in it and laughs. And I'll admit, there is something comforting with the pattering of it on the ground. It makes me think of ocean waves and drifting to sleep in the rocking. And I would love a cup of warm tea and not the nice stiff unsweetened kind I've been taking I want a rich chaitea velvet smooth feeling from the cream, smelling of far away places, and tasting of sweet sugar.

There is something calming and steadying about it. The rain itself can be mesmerizing. Just watching drop after drop, but that's not what I felt like last night. Had all this energy. It was like being a kid and I just wanted to splash around and make the biggest mess possible. Not that water and mud cause that much of a mess and not that as a lazy college student I'd put myself through washing a set of mud ridden water logged clothes, but still I just had the urge.

And instead of taking me back to my kid days with sticky sap hands and unruly long hair, I thought about my first real relationship and one of our first real dates. It was spring and it had been raining for weeks. For some reason we decided to go for a walk, even though there were sheets of water and even though neither of us had any rain gear. So there we are me in a jean jacket (one that I'll never wear after that day) and him in just his t-shirt....trying not to get wet in the middle of a downpour. We walked a healthy distance away from each other, unsure of what to do or how to act, even though we'd kissed already and even though it was obvious that we liked each other and probably should have been holding hands.

Awkward silences were always filled up with conversations. That's one thing, with him there were always the most fascinating conversations. He challenged me so much in so many stupid little ways intellectually. Yeah it was all talk and there was nothing to act on, but you know it was the kind of stuff that you had to work for, the kind of thing that just felt good. I think that's probably the thing I miss.

Anyhow, going through a wood path more puddles than anything else and walking over slippery tree roots makes it impossible to not fall into a puddle eventually. I, being clumsy, was of course the first to slip right into a knee deep puddle. And at first there was silence. For a moment he gave me this "What will she do" look, where the man (or boy at this time) is wary. He isn't sure which way his girl will go.

I laughed and then started to run. Loved the huge waves coming up behind me. Probably changed him from just soaked to coated in sticky pine needles and soaked with the first running jump. He stared dumbfounded for a moment before laughing and following me. We raced for a while, who could get to the deepest part of the puddles first. Who could stay ahead of the other, who got the other most wet (though we were beyond maximum density then). And before I knew it we were tumbling and rolling through the puddles kissing and laughing and generally breathless.

It was a good.

And it was such a classic little movie romance scene I can't even believe it. But that whole relationship was like the best scenes and the worst from cliche romance movies. Sometimes I think its ironic because he used to insist on being unique and doing the odd thing sometimes just to do the odd thing. Sometimes I think its fitting because it was during my "I want to be a famous movie star" phase and there I was, living out a made up high school Hollywood romance.

Of course in the movies they don't show you the aftermath. It was freezing when we got inside. Both of us were shaking from head to toe, and I was late for when I told my parents I'd be home. Jumped in the car more nerves now that anything else, shaking to much to get the key in the ignition. Shaking to much to see much of anything. Had my first real car crash that night. Too rushed to get home and too wet to pay attention. I side swiped someone while making a left. Thankfully there was no damage either car. The guy I hit felt bad for me. I was soaked and shivering and upset and young. We left without exchanging info. Took me a minute to pull back onto the road with all the adrenaline and now with the whole thing over I was tearing up. Too much to deal with I guess. Young love angry parents and a brush with death (in my head anyhow).

I never told anyone that half of the story. The part where with my license for less than a week I almost have a nasty spill. My parents still don't know. They yelled at me for being wet and late and all the time in my head all I could think about is a car crash I can't tell them about. I could only nod, because the accident the almost catastrophe is right on the tip of my lips.

And you know, its funny because these two events happened to me on the same day and I think about both of them from time to time. When I was younger I thought of them both a lot, and I never really connected the two. I mean yes same day same afternoon one directly after the other, but somehow its like two completely different years. There was the time I was out with a boy in the rain and the time it was raining so hard and I was shaking so much and so worried that I went out into traffic without looking.

I told the story how it happened one after the other, but when I was thinking about it yesterday, the car accident didn't pop into my head at all. Its like a little shadow at the end that never comes clear in the same moment as the other memory. Funny how different the story is how it happened and then how I think of it now is all.

Aug. 9th, 2006

M One Up