August 2012

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Jun. 10th, 2012

Delphic Maximum #4: Respect Your Parents

I really struggled with what to write for this particular maximum. I have the benefit of following a lot of established and well written bloggers through these maximums and their answers have helped to prompt more insight than I use in my writing. I take whatever my gut gives me and write it out before I've processed all the complexities and subtleties the subject offers. Part of that is nice because it would be days before I had everything I think written down and part of it is frustrating because sometimes what should have been my main point is lost in a side tangent because it took me three pages to write the core of what I wanted to get out.


So far, everything I've written has a tone of denial or been conditional in a way that I know my mother would source as my inherent contrary nature. Any absolute offered or implied absolute, I feel required to challenge. Even thinking of what she would say to these responses, knowing she would never read them and knowing that she would never be able to get over the non-Christian nature of them to be truly critical, rankles me.


My relationship with my parents is troubled and our primary area of stress ties to my non-Christ based faith. This stress does strain our ability to adequately display love or respect for each other.


And I do love my parents quite a bit. I want to please them and make them proud of me. I want us to agree on our standards for living and morality. I just won't do any of this at the expense of my sense of self or what's right, a strength of character than I credit entirely to my mother.


I still go to them for advice and I consider their advice heavily. It tears at me when I have to go against it, if that's the case, but it doesn't stop me from following me first. This consideration for their words and contributions should show respect. True, it is a respect I would offer anyone who gives me advice or shares their life experience with me, which makes me wonder if there is a certain quantity of respect one needs to give and if I've given my parents their fair share. Would they be insulted to know how I weight their words vs others? Do they feel slighted every time I do my own thing and does that come down to a lack of thought or respect or is it truly just a different world view? How much is enough, am I right or are they or is there some object middle ground? It's heart breaking for me and I wonder how many others feel this way in a quite corner of the world where they don't voice it.


I do think most people world over want to respect their parents and elders. We argue over what that means. We all want to assert that we value this without thinking about it and we want to assert that we do respect our parents. I know I am hurt by the idea that I don't respect my parents adequately but in the same moment I am hurt by the concept that I must follow their path or there is no true respect or understanding between us.


Because my relationship is fraught with the same insecurities I've had since teen-dom, this maximum makes me think of being young and how I treated my parents then. It was not always with the respect they deserved, particularly where paganism was involved. I violently rejected Catholicism. Now, I wish I could have been kinder. There was fault on both sides, but I have a lot more sympathy for their thoughts and feelings on the subject now. I feel like I'll always be trying to make up for that mistake. Its not something I regret what I told them then is essentially true though I regret how harsh and intense I was about it. Who knows, maybe nothing but that kind of rejection would have ever made them understand, I know on some levels now, they don't get it still.


In some regards, though I listen and consider counsel from my parents, I don't feel I respect them now because I am always holding back and couching what I mean to be at the level I think they can handle. Is it disrespectful for me to hold back my truth feelings and understandings for the sake of another's comfort? Is it it inherently disrespectful to reject another's view point or to believe one knows better even when the other has or possibly has more experience than oneself in the subject?


I don't think that a person has earned respect just because they reach the age or fertility, had sex, and were able to birth another human being. I've never been one to agree with the idea that one should have to respect any other being just because. My parents have been good to me. They provided for me above and beyond the bare minimum required. They have stood beside me in battle for what they think is part of my rights or part of what I've earned. They look out for me and my interests as best as they can. This sort of person whether a friend, family member or partner, should be cherish, valued and respected. It's always hard when their standards and yours don't line up though, particularly if the person in question was a care taker for you is all.

Nov. 30th, 2009

On Family and Other Sour Spots

I hate family holidays. It's not as bad as it used to be. There isn't a mind numbing soul obliterating anxiety about them anymore as there used to be. There's just a dull ache of worry and some slight stomach tremors. Really the worst bit was that I thought I'd probably never have to go to a shin dig like this again. I would go one day, I just would never have to.

I didn't want to talk about where I'd been what I'd been doing and how I was. I'm better but not so well that I can always talk about Zac or Wyoming or what was a fairy tale life that while childish and unsustainable was also beautiful. I just can't talk about it especially with people who don't get it and no one in my family gets it.

Instead I gave short answers and listened to long unending diatribes of how awesome everyone else is. I was glad they were well but I could have done without the jabs at where they were compared to me. I sincerely hope I never did that to them or anyone else, though my successes are so few and far between, I'm sure I've had little opportunity to knock some else further down that way.

In particular my cousin, who works at Fenway went on and on about how boring but glamorous her job was, how much she hated living at home (though she does nothing there but sleep and hang out), and how wonderful her parties and nights out were. I wanted her to be successful. I was prepared to hear about her success and joy so it didn't even sting that much when she kept slighting me and where I was or discarding some of the work I have to do like chores and house upkeep and whatnot.

What did sting was to find out later that her job at Fenway pays $9/hr she works no more than 30hrs a week and she doesn't get benefits. She'd sat there and scorned my retail work as less and demeaning when we make the same hourly rate, I work full time and my job gives me benefits. I don't have an hours commute by public transportation to pay for or anything.

In other more pleasant news my bro got a letter from Mass Maritime and we think it might be his acceptance *hopefully*. I've got to wait for him to come home and open it but I'm super hopeful for him. It's very exciting.

Also, they've finally corrected the comp and literacy portions of the mtels, I should finally have results and hopefully a license on the 9th. Maybe I've be able to pick up some second term work or start vigorously looking for the fall. I'm apprehensive and excited. I don't know what I'll do if this doesn't work and my parents feel strongly I'll need several other back up plans that I'm not sure how to approach but I'll have to figure something out soon I guess.

Jul. 6th, 2008

Long rambly entry that pretty much covers internet and real life in odd patches

May. 31st, 2008

Blast From the Past

So I finally went on to google mail and in between all the spam and not applicable emails I have that are way to old was a post from an old friend of mine.  I was surprised that he'd emailed me at all.  I mean I did create that account just for him at a time when I was very much in love with him still.  I think a part of me will always love him to be honest, but regardless it doesn't matter now.  I'm far more in love with my bf and the fact that he's the only boyfriend I've had since this other one who I've actually preferred really says it all.

Anyhow he had a dream with me in it.  He was going into the Whole Foods in Boston he works at (he has a job...and it isn't something glamorous or even college degree required...I'm somewhat amazed and not at the same time  plus he's in Boston, I'd heard this but I  wasn't sure if he's still there and I wonder if he's still with her?  mmm hopefully I'll find out soon I'm such a curious bugger) where he hugged me though I seemed reluctant to hug him.  

He remembers the dream because it was so vivid...I wonder if I even sort of resemble the girl that he remembers...I know I don't think so, but who's ever cared what I think.  I wonder if he looks like the boy/man I remember?  Time changes a lot and I know I at least look different...probably am pretty different too.  I bet he's close to the same though.  Time has a way for leaving him behind...though I could be surprised...if I ever go so far as to meet him.  This little internet lingering might be as close as it comes. 

What's weird (besides the fact I didn't think I'd hear from him again that is) is that I've had a couple of dreams the last few weeks about running into him and him being happy and wanting to hug me while I hesitate before hugging him.  I don't think it's phrophetic or anything, just weird.  We know each other far too well and we've always been just slightly out of time with each other.  That we'd have such similar dreams though is a jolt.  He's never not been a jolt to me though.  That's what I like about him. 

I wonder if he still wants to run away to Italy with me and I wonder if he'd be miffed if he knew I'd gone there without him...it was supposed to be our thing at some undisclosed time.  Who knows if it ever would have or could have been. 

I know I'm rambling and what not.  I'm a little shell shocked though.  And I'm terribly exicted.  I'd love to meet up with him and hang out.  I'd love it more than I think is reasonable and that worries me.  I always have that worry in the back of my head that spending time with him will make me want to date him again.  Whether it's legit or not I can't be sure.  Goodness knows that I really really hope he's still dating someone.  Him not flirting with me will help infinitely.  Assuming we meet at all...which we might not, though I miss the conversations more than I can articulate.  I don't even know if it would be like that anymore.  I debate and argue and think and respond so differently than I did then.  

And all of this brings me to a new question I've never thought of before.  What do I tell the current bf?  Because I'm not going to cheat on him, would never cheat on him, but at the same time this kind of situation would make me a little uncomfortable if I were him.  I don't want him to be uncomfortable, but at the same time I want to at the least email back and forth and at the most meet him and maybe pick up a friendship.  I'd be cool with bringing the bf if he weren't a three hour drive away and there's a good chance that the other one's girl (if she's still with him, which all signs seem to say yes).

Meh I could just tell him the truth and see how that goes down.  I don't even know if he'll email me back yet, but if he does I'll see what that brings up and if all signs lead to meeting up then I'll deal with that.  I do tend to get very a head of myself sometimes and lets be honest this whole thing is so childish.  But I can't help it/  He's just one of those people that really bring out the kid in me.

  I could use it about know anyhow.  Fighting with my parents and brooding is all so stupid.  I have the strongest urge I've ever had to shout I'm 22 and you can't do that.  You don't have any purse strings or legal cards so you can't reasonably ask and expect me to answer.  Then of course I come to my senses and realize that yelling and acting like a brat doesn't actually support those points much.  It would be far better to just stay silent and save my money for a car and an apartment.  Who knows maybe applying for a job up by the bf and moving in with him really is in the cards.  I'll see.  Until then I'll try to hold it all together and not get ahead of myself.  Looking to far ahead right now is only going to depress me anyway.
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Aug. 26th, 2007

The friendlist is slow today and I'm in a bit of a lazy mood, so I don't know what's going to come out of my mouth.  

I just updated my profile...probably should have months ago now.  A lot of it was dragged from the lj here, but some of it is new.  I added to the authors and works I liked reading and writing and thinking about.  A lot of them are either children's books or classical authors or poets.  This is really because its been so long since I've sat down to read for pleasure.  We read a lot in college, but its hardly ever entirely by choice.  That's alright I still get something from it.  The enormous list of poets sort of amuses me though because for the most part I don't enjoy poetry, yet I've taken so many poetry classes that its impossible not to have a small army of names up and ready.  As far as the kids books go, well its just that some of those are still having an impact on my writing.  I know what I wrote was that these were works I liked, but what I mean was that these were works that I still think about often and that still affect my thoughts and writings....oh god, I didn't add harry potter to the list.  I'm a terrible person

*Note to self to go back and add Harry Potter later*

"Second Note go back to add Kik's Delivery Service and also to add Wolf's Rain*

Went on a long image hunt to find a Sakura background I had a while ago.  I am happy to report that I've found it and that it is up.  I know it sounds silly to go on a hunt for something lie that, but I really liked it and I missed it.  My dad said something I had about the background I had before (a Princess Monoke theme) and even though I know he hates anime, and even though he would hate this background just as much, I feel better.  I liked the old background and it will probably go up again at some point in time, but I was just not feeling it anymore.  I wanted something with a dark background instead of the oh so much white of the other one. 

I wish my parents would stay out of my business.  I mean I am twenty-one.  They should stop asking me why I do or don't like certain things when really what they are trying to do is make me ashamed/ get me over to their mind set.  I know they don't like anime.  I know they don't like livejournal (ironically enough, I don't like it anymore either), insanejournal, or any other bloggish thing.  I know they don't like my interest in writing either original or fannish things.  They don't like my interest in femminism (apparently they worry that I'm a lesbian...which I'm not, but should it really be a problem?)  and they don't like my wariness of Christians.  I suppose the last on I understand, since they are Roman Catholic, I guess its more than fair that they are upset that I've chosen to go a different way in faith matters.  I suppose its also fair that their desire for a Christian nation and Christian ideals probably if affronted by my desire for freedom of expression and thought with out any impeeding or over bearing actions from a religion I don't follow.  

I know this sounds like a bitchy parents rant, and it is.  In some ways I should be over this.  In a lot of ways I can't be over it until I'm finaincially independent.  I mean when people are holding purse strings over you're head, its hard to let things go.  I will go so far as to agree that since they do pay for my college and they do house me over the summer, that there is a certain amount of rule following and respect that I have to give them.  What isn't acceptable is for them to constantly change the rules on me.  If had been informed that sending me to college was a business deal and not something my family was doing of their free will because they wanted to help me and wanted to send me to college then I would have made them sign a contract with me in the beginning of the event.  I wouldn't be negotiating and wheeling and dealing at this late hour where really I have no choice but to just suck it up.  It isn't anywhere near as bad as slavery and it isn't as crippling as the loans I'd have taken out to got to college on my own, but in some ways my parents have paid for me and in some ways I am giving more to go that if I were paying for the whole mess myself. 

Certainly the amount of resentment I feel for them wouldn't be this high if we weren't in this sick little fight for dominance.  And sometimes I wonder if the past few years have made me too aware that money is power and that either you have it or you suffer for it.  I wonder if my focus on money and its need is 100% healthy.  I have anxiety and paranoira issues naturally and I don't really need to be developing any more, thanks. 

Yesterday my dad shattered the glass on the front door while doing yard work.  He was freaked and with what I'd though was good reason.  The door is expensive and it was hard for my mom to find one she like...I figured that she'd kill him....and then she didn't.  She actually took the whole thing in stride.  I was flabergasted.  I wonder when she's going to blow up about it. 

My bro will be coming home today.  He wasn't supposed to return until Tues, but the power at football camp went out so he's going to be home earlier...I don't know if that good or bad for him.  Guess I'll find out when he gets here.