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Jul. 6th, 2008
May. 31st, 2008
Blast From the Past
So I finally went on to google mail and in between all the spam and not applicable emails I have that are way to old was a post from an old friend of mine. I was surprised that he'd emailed me at all. I mean I did create that account just for him at a time when I was very much in love with him still. I think a part of me will always love him to be honest, but regardless it doesn't matter now. I'm far more in love with my bf and the fact that he's the only boyfriend I've had since this other one who I've actually preferred really says it all.
Anyhow he had a dream with me in it. He was going into the Whole Foods in Boston he works at (he has a job...and it isn't something glamorous or even college degree required...I'm somewhat amazed and not at the same time plus he's in Boston, I'd heard this but I wasn't sure if he's still there and I wonder if he's still with her? mmm hopefully I'll find out soon I'm such a curious bugger) where he hugged me though I seemed reluctant to hug him.
He remembers the dream because it was so vivid...I wonder if I even sort of resemble the girl that he remembers...I know I don't think so, but who's ever cared what I think. I wonder if he looks like the boy/man I remember? Time changes a lot and I know I at least look different...probably am pretty different too. I bet he's close to the same though. Time has a way for leaving him behind...though I could be surprised...if I ever go so far as to meet him. This little internet lingering might be as close as it comes.
What's weird (besides the fact I didn't think I'd hear from him again that is) is that I've had a couple of dreams the last few weeks about running into him and him being happy and wanting to hug me while I hesitate before hugging him. I don't think it's phrophetic or anything, just weird. We know each other far too well and we've always been just slightly out of time with each other. That we'd have such similar dreams though is a jolt. He's never not been a jolt to me though. That's what I like about him.
I wonder if he still wants to run away to Italy with me and I wonder if he'd be miffed if he knew I'd gone there without him...it was supposed to be our thing at some undisclosed time. Who knows if it ever would have or could have been.
I know I'm rambling and what not. I'm a little shell shocked though. And I'm terribly exicted. I'd love to meet up with him and hang out. I'd love it more than I think is reasonable and that worries me. I always have that worry in the back of my head that spending time with him will make me want to date him again. Whether it's legit or not I can't be sure. Goodness knows that I really really hope he's still dating someone. Him not flirting with me will help infinitely. Assuming we meet at all...which we might not, though I miss the conversations more than I can articulate. I don't even know if it would be like that anymore. I debate and argue and think and respond so differently than I did then.
And all of this brings me to a new question I've never thought of before. What do I tell the current bf? Because I'm not going to cheat on him, would never cheat on him, but at the same time this kind of situation would make me a little uncomfortable if I were him. I don't want him to be uncomfortable, but at the same time I want to at the least email back and forth and at the most meet him and maybe pick up a friendship. I'd be cool with bringing the bf if he weren't a three hour drive away and there's a good chance that the other one's girl (if she's still with him, which all signs seem to say yes).
Meh I could just tell him the truth and see how that goes down. I don't even know if he'll email me back yet, but if he does I'll see what that brings up and if all signs lead to meeting up then I'll deal with that. I do tend to get very a head of myself sometimes and lets be honest this whole thing is so childish. But I can't help it/ He's just one of those people that really bring out the kid in me.
I could use it about know anyhow. Fighting with my parents and brooding is all so stupid. I have the strongest urge I've ever had to shout I'm 22 and you can't do that. You don't have any purse strings or legal cards so you can't reasonably ask and expect me to answer. Then of course I come to my senses and realize that yelling and acting like a brat doesn't actually support those points much. It would be far better to just stay silent and save my money for a car and an apartment. Who knows maybe applying for a job up by the bf and moving in with him really is in the cards. I'll see. Until then I'll try to hold it all together and not get ahead of myself. Looking to far ahead right now is only going to depress me anyway.
Anyhow he had a dream with me in it. He was going into the Whole Foods in Boston he works at (he has a job...and it isn't something glamorous or even college degree required...I'm somewhat amazed and not at the same time plus he's in Boston, I'd heard this but I wasn't sure if he's still there and I wonder if he's still with her? mmm hopefully I'll find out soon I'm such a curious bugger) where he hugged me though I seemed reluctant to hug him.
He remembers the dream because it was so vivid...I wonder if I even sort of resemble the girl that he remembers...I know I don't think so, but who's ever cared what I think. I wonder if he looks like the boy/man I remember? Time changes a lot and I know I at least look different...probably am pretty different too. I bet he's close to the same though. Time has a way for leaving him behind...though I could be surprised...if I ever go so far as to meet him. This little internet lingering might be as close as it comes.
What's weird (besides the fact I didn't think I'd hear from him again that is) is that I've had a couple of dreams the last few weeks about running into him and him being happy and wanting to hug me while I hesitate before hugging him. I don't think it's phrophetic or anything, just weird. We know each other far too well and we've always been just slightly out of time with each other. That we'd have such similar dreams though is a jolt. He's never not been a jolt to me though. That's what I like about him.
I wonder if he still wants to run away to Italy with me and I wonder if he'd be miffed if he knew I'd gone there without him...it was supposed to be our thing at some undisclosed time. Who knows if it ever would have or could have been.
I know I'm rambling and what not. I'm a little shell shocked though. And I'm terribly exicted. I'd love to meet up with him and hang out. I'd love it more than I think is reasonable and that worries me. I always have that worry in the back of my head that spending time with him will make me want to date him again. Whether it's legit or not I can't be sure. Goodness knows that I really really hope he's still dating someone. Him not flirting with me will help infinitely. Assuming we meet at all...which we might not, though I miss the conversations more than I can articulate. I don't even know if it would be like that anymore. I debate and argue and think and respond so differently than I did then.
And all of this brings me to a new question I've never thought of before. What do I tell the current bf? Because I'm not going to cheat on him, would never cheat on him, but at the same time this kind of situation would make me a little uncomfortable if I were him. I don't want him to be uncomfortable, but at the same time I want to at the least email back and forth and at the most meet him and maybe pick up a friendship. I'd be cool with bringing the bf if he weren't a three hour drive away and there's a good chance that the other one's girl (if she's still with him, which all signs seem to say yes).
Meh I could just tell him the truth and see how that goes down. I don't even know if he'll email me back yet, but if he does I'll see what that brings up and if all signs lead to meeting up then I'll deal with that. I do tend to get very a head of myself sometimes and lets be honest this whole thing is so childish. But I can't help it/ He's just one of those people that really bring out the kid in me.
I could use it about know anyhow. Fighting with my parents and brooding is all so stupid. I have the strongest urge I've ever had to shout I'm 22 and you can't do that. You don't have any purse strings or legal cards so you can't reasonably ask and expect me to answer. Then of course I come to my senses and realize that yelling and acting like a brat doesn't actually support those points much. It would be far better to just stay silent and save my money for a car and an apartment. Who knows maybe applying for a job up by the bf and moving in with him really is in the cards. I'll see. Until then I'll try to hold it all together and not get ahead of myself. Looking to far ahead right now is only going to depress me anyway.
Aug. 26th, 2007
mood: 
aggravated
aggravatedI just updated my profile...probably should have months ago now. A lot of it was dragged from the lj here, but some of it is new. I added to the authors and works I liked reading and writing and thinking about. A lot of them are either children's books or classical authors or poets. This is really because its been so long since I've sat down to read for pleasure. We read a lot in college, but its hardly ever entirely by choice. That's alright I still get something from it. The enormous list of poets sort of amuses me though because for the most part I don't enjoy poetry, yet I've taken so many poetry classes that its impossible not to have a small army of names up and ready. As far as the kids books go, well its just that some of those are still having an impact on my writing. I know what I wrote was that these were works I liked, but what I mean was that these were works that I still think about often and that still affect my thoughts and writings....oh god, I didn't add harry potter to the list. I'm a terrible person
*Note to self to go back and add Harry Potter later*
"Second Note go back to add Kik's Delivery Service and also to add Wolf's Rain*
Went on a long image hunt to find a Sakura background I had a while ago. I am happy to report that I've found it and that it is up. I know it sounds silly to go on a hunt for something lie that, but I really liked it and I missed it. My dad said something I had about the background I had before (a Princess Monoke theme) and even though I know he hates anime, and even though he would hate this background just as much, I feel better. I liked the old background and it will probably go up again at some point in time, but I was just not feeling it anymore. I wanted something with a dark background instead of the oh so much white of the other one.
I wish my parents would stay out of my business. I mean I am twenty-one. They should stop asking me why I do or don't like certain things when really what they are trying to do is make me ashamed/ get me over to their mind set. I know they don't like anime. I know they don't like livejournal (ironically enough, I don't like it anymore either), insanejournal, or any other bloggish thing. I know they don't like my interest in writing either original or fannish things. They don't like my interest in femminism (apparently they worry that I'm a lesbian...which I'm not, but should it really be a problem?) and they don't like my wariness of Christians. I suppose the last on I understand, since they are Roman Catholic, I guess its more than fair that they are upset that I've chosen to go a different way in faith matters. I suppose its also fair that their desire for a Christian nation and Christian ideals probably if affronted by my desire for freedom of expression and thought with out any impeeding or over bearing actions from a religion I don't follow.
I know this sounds like a bitchy parents rant, and it is. In some ways I should be over this. In a lot of ways I can't be over it until I'm finaincially independent. I mean when people are holding purse strings over you're head, its hard to let things go. I will go so far as to agree that since they do pay for my college and they do house me over the summer, that there is a certain amount of rule following and respect that I have to give them. What isn't acceptable is for them to constantly change the rules on me. If had been informed that sending me to college was a business deal and not something my family was doing of their free will because they wanted to help me and wanted to send me to college then I would have made them sign a contract with me in the beginning of the event. I wouldn't be negotiating and wheeling and dealing at this late hour where really I have no choice but to just suck it up. It isn't anywhere near as bad as slavery and it isn't as crippling as the loans I'd have taken out to got to college on my own, but in some ways my parents have paid for me and in some ways I am giving more to go that if I were paying for the whole mess myself.
Certainly the amount of resentment I feel for them wouldn't be this high if we weren't in this sick little fight for dominance. And sometimes I wonder if the past few years have made me too aware that money is power and that either you have it or you suffer for it. I wonder if my focus on money and its need is 100% healthy. I have anxiety and paranoira issues naturally and I don't really need to be developing any more, thanks.
Yesterday my dad shattered the glass on the front door while doing yard work. He was freaked and with what I'd though was good reason. The door is expensive and it was hard for my mom to find one she like...I figured that she'd kill him....and then she didn't. She actually took the whole thing in stride. I was flabergasted. I wonder when she's going to blow up about it.
My bro will be coming home today. He wasn't supposed to return until Tues, but the power at football camp went out so he's going to be home earlier...I don't know if that good or bad for him. Guess I'll find out when he gets here.