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May. 27th, 2009

Letter to Zac Break up post and what not

Zac,

So my emotions are finally in such a state of flux that I don't know what they are. I think I'm angry and hurt which is mostly amusing because one reason we dated was that I didn't think you could hurt me. I'd had my share of know down brawls and I was done with them. I needed someone safe and secure.

I still don't know what your raised voice sounds like. I don't much care either.

I thought our relationship meant more. I should have known you have no sticking power. Between an unpleasant place and the possibility of better living, you chose the known quantity. I wasn't safe or sure enough for you to consider the risk.

You choose the stupid risks over those that might actually land you somewhere. I left thinking I just didn't get it, that you were some mystery. You know what, no one gets it!

There is so much I don't get:

1. Why didn't you pick a major and finish. You knew the debt and you meandered around. I was a luxury you didn't have.

2. Why Wyoming over Ian's?

3. How could you just give up without thought? What did I do that made you decide I wasn't enough to even consider and in light of choosing not to, why didn't you lie? You couldn't wait until after I left to break up?

You are on of those people who can never be at fault because you never choose. You are at fault by not choosing sometimes as much and then you never got what you wanted from the whole mess.

Can you even make a decision? Are you capable of being ahead of the curve instead of behind it?

I don't think I want to talk to you or abou you again. You have hurt me so much without meaning it. You don't mean anything ever though.

I'm so hurt, angry, and sad. I don't regret but I don't know if I'd be amenable to seeing you again, even on an as friends basis.

Perhaps the saddest outcome is that I don't hear you. With those I spend so much time with, there are imaginary mental counter parts with whom I speak to in place of the actual. You don't have on because you never have anything to say. You believe people like talking just to be heard, but I don't. I want the response, dialogue, reactions, thoughts. I want another view and balance. You never gave me this. I think you could have but didn't.

I did value your acceptance. Open arms and keen but kind eyes was something I needed, but one can't be done to the exclusion of the other. It's always been hard for you but I'm not binary girl. Either or's aren't my mindset.

What I miss most about you are the touches. It's something that you'd think I could get elsewhere. In some specific scenarios, I know I could do better even. You'd be surprised how reluctant I am to replace those comforts or how many of those warm hugs and rubs fall flat. Sad melancholy those people meant to chase away deepens. Your touch meant support, love, affection, acceptance. Even as I know your body lied, created a support system the rest off you had no intention of giving, I miss it. Its nice to feel that with no strings attached even if it's a lie.

All of this is to say that while I'm a liar and emotionally unavailable at times, you are a deceiver. While I don't love you, can't love what is really there: a scared boy who wants a stability and love from his parents that they will never be able to provide. Someone who chases this illusion subconsciously and single mindedly to the destruction of all else-- and if this isn't you either, I have no clue who you are. Shy, fearful in so many ways I'm not, you were good for me in spite of it all. I'm mostly sorry I wasn't good for you in some way. I hope you figure yourself out. I hope you find what you need. Most of all, I hope you find your joy. I'm sorry I wasn't more helpful in those pursuits. Goodbye.

Never Again Yours.

Dec. 5th, 2007

Another Angry Poem to Suit my Mood Aparently

Oct. 10th, 2007

Thinking about body "De-Toxing"

My town house mate and I were talking about her allergies and she went on to say that she might stop eating for a few days to help her "de-tox". Now anyone who knows me knows that fasting for any reason really isn't my thing. I'm one grumpy bitch when I'm not eating, and so of course I'm against this new age idea of "de-toxing" that seems to be getting more and more popular.

One thing my room mate pointed out that might have helped get to the trend going is that a lot of people use "de-toxing" as a method of losing weight as well as cleansing the body. Some people see losing the weight as what they are "cleansing" there body of.

To me de-toxing is exactly about what it sounds like, trying to cut negative influnces and remove negative remains both physically and spiritually from your life. A lot of people maintain that it is merely a physical aspect- a way to clear out all the chemicals we eat and to flush out extra fatty foods we've indulged in as well as excess horomones and other baddies we find in regular food regime.

I have a couple of problems with this. The first is that the kind of methods I've heard of to "de-tox" (and I've got a huge range) are in no way scientifically proven to help remove chemicals and in fact I don't believe there are any scientific studies done on whether or not any of these systems have any positive effect on bodily health.

The second problem I have is that I know for a fact some chemicals (DDT and PCT's) aren't water soluable. They won't come out of fatty tissue and trying to remove them in any way once they are into your system is a ridiculous idea. I mean you can avoid them to a certain degree, but most people are born with a certain level of them in them from their mom anyhow. I have to assume that DDT is not the only chemical where this is true.

A third problem is that I don't think that "de-toxing" once in a while is something that would on a purely physical level be effective. I mean being healthy is a constant struggle. You have to constantly eat the right foods and exersice. You can't go on a day or a week or even a month retreat and expect to balance everything out. Yes sometimes having the right work out once in a while is helpful, but I don't view de-toxing in that light.

For me anyway keeping myself emotionally, spiritually, and physically healthy is a whole hell of a lot of work. It involves constant aspects of "de-toxing" on a regular basis (meditation, yoga, retreating from others, spending time in quite thought, taking days or weekends just to work on me, conisistantly drinking lots of water and sticking to healthier food choices because beginning a negative food cycle is what really gets me into trouble). I can't imagine that going away for a weekend or a week and fasting while meditating would de-tox someone from months or years of McDonalds or months/ years of emotional wear and tear.

Something like that takes constant efforts and if you are living a life eating the regular chemically processed food (nothing wrong with that) and the horomone injected meat (again I'm eating it as we speak) and drinking or doing any kind of substance, a weekend or a week of fasting isn't going to "purge" your system.

Another problem I have is how does not eating remove what you've already put in? Being mindful of what you eat might. A lighter vege based diet for a week I could see as helping to "cleanse" possibly Not purely physically, but mentally. And not completely cleansing but as a process of someone trying to get there.

I don't know. I guess my largest problem are the those de-tox programs that have you fasting and taking laxatives at the same time. I mean that isn't healthy. I can see how people get conned into thinking that laxitives might push the bad things out. I mean at least they we're talking about moving things out, but still depending on the suppliment you may just be throwing more bad things into you.

Also I'd like to take a moment to say that natural=/=better for you. There are products that I wouldn't go organic on because I don't think its better.

I think the closest I could get to de-toxing would involve taking a weekend to just mediate and do yoga while I ate just green veggies and drank water. Or I guess I would be up for having eight glasses of water in the moring and waiting a few hours to let that "sift through and push out impurities". Of course this morning regime suggests that you start with four cups of water in the morning and work up to eight or nine. It requests that you go to the bathroom as often as you need. It still lets you eat and encourages you to eat a full dinner and lunch. And it warns you that the water will flush out essential vitamins and minerals too. I feel like these directions help to make the actual de-tox system more responsible and better to try. I guess if you get something from it, that's great....but there isn't inherently anything there and I'm not sure why all of the sudden we're stressing chemicals when our bodies have always been about chemical reactions. That's all.

And yes, I am strongly anti-fasting.

Aug. 9th, 2007

RL Cause a real world update needs to be done too

We've got a temp working Amy's old job.  Its nice that I don't have to do all that work all on my own, but at the same time its weird to have a temp working there.  I feel akward when my boss bitches about Amy in front of the temp.  You know like, shhhh you don't want to make her feel like a replacement.  I know she is a replacement and a stand in at that, but I don't know it just seems so rude and futile to currently refer to an Ex-employee.  It kind of makes me think of being a rebound date for someone.  And you know the whole time you're out with the person doing whatever, maybe having a good time and maybe not, but certainly trying to make the best of the event, that other person is talking about their last ex and how they did this right and this wrong and blah blah blah.  Maybe its not really like that in real life though, maybe that's just my take, I mean I don't have a lot of work experience, maybe that's what happens after you fire someone.  It isn't how it went down in retail. 

I felt bad because while I was helping Tanya (the temp) I told her about how her computer prints funny and I said, "Well that's what Amy told me anyway".  I know, way over kill on my not wanting to trample anyone's feelings.  Certainly as a temp Tanya has to be used to walking into situations where the person who had the job previously unexpectedly quit or was fired, but still I feel kind of bad mentioning it.  Then I feel silly for feeling bad.  Then I wonder how I would feel and how I would want others to act to help make me feel welcome (especially because Tanya and I work in very close quarter).  Of course, I'm not sure.  How I try to make people feel welcome works well with children and my peer group, but I've noticed its not what people of older generations do and if you act that way sometimes its seen as condescending when that's not at all how I meant it.  So basically I try and stay out of her way, I answer questions when she asks me, I sometimes drop over to her computer and  help her if she's spent a long time on one screen and I think she might be stuck, and other than that I keep quiet.  I hope she doesn't feel like I'm snubbing her or something.  Though, I'm generally very quiet in the office as a rule.  To be honest, I'm sure I've over analyized this.  She probably doesn't think much of me one way or the other.  Certainly, if I were her, I wouldn't.  What would I care about a college kid who's leaving in a couple of weeks, especially if I knew my own position was temporary at the company too.  Best just to do the work, collect the check and book it.

Other than that, my brother and mom are up in NJ right now hanging out with my Grandfather.  Guess they're going to Six Flags....apparently I've been there before, but I don't remember (my parents thought it was cute to carry me around to lots of places when I was really young and now they love telling me about all the many many places I've been and can't remember).    Oh well, as I've said before I don't know why you would take a kid to a theme park when they are young.  And now I guess is a good time to elaborate on that thought.  

Between the ages of two and seven I apparently have been to Disney, Canopy Lake Park, Six Flags in Springfield MA and in NJ, Yogi Bear Park, and many more amusementish parks.  I've always really liked amusement parks.  Some of my earilest memories involve roller coasters and floom rides and merry go rounds, but I still don't think that the memories I have are worth the money or the extrodinary strain I'd think it would put on a parent to create these memories.  

One example is the fact that I have no memory of Six Flags from my childhood at all.  Not a car ride or a line or anything.  Likewise I also went to Seasame Street Park and while I remember the second time I went (I was eight), I don't remember a thing about the first time I went (I was five then) and what's even better is that part of the reason I remember the second trip is because my parents made such a big deal about this being my second time at the park and even then, three years after the first trip, I couldn't remember my first time at Seasame Street.  I wondered then if that would be like what growing old would be like, having other people tell you you've done stuff you can't remember.   And on top of me not remember Seasame Street park, its themed after what was one of my favorite shows, if you can't remember a themed park, how is a kid going to remember something NOT themed? 

As far as Disney is concerned...I remember the ride down to the park.  It was long, three days.  We had a trailer and one of the nights we stayed in a parking lot.  My sister was still a baby and she cried a lot.  The two of us were in bunk beds in the trailer and when they made me take the bottom bed for the night I was caged in the next morning because of the fence we had to put up to keep her from falling off the bunk.  I rode the tea cups while I was there, which is one of my favorite rides, and the wait was very long.  As a treat my mom and dad let me do the ride a second time at night, and I can remember thinking that the whole thing was surreal (not with that wording) with all the stage lights on it and good mad hatter gear.  And I remember Micky, we ate somewhere where he was too. 

As far as Yogi park goes.  I remember that there was a big hill.  I fell once from it.  There was a tree there I liked a lot and there was a really nice lake.  One night when we went to watch the nightly Yogi cartoon, the projector stopped working halfway through and I was sad.  I had one of those pink plastic pads you draw on and then pull up to make the picture go away.  Thought I'd be an artist.  

Now keep in mind all of these memories feel as real as a dream does.  Why would anyone pay so much and go through the strain of watching a kid in an amusement park for those memories?  I mean I remember being happy and laughing and having a good time, but I felt equally strong about going to a playground or the zoo or playing with my favorite toy or just going for a walk with friends and family.  I don't see how and amusement park is worth it is all I guess.
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Aug. 7th, 2007

Christian rant behind the cut

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May. 6th, 2005

RA aj

"I'm not the one who is so far away

when I feel the snake bite enter my viens,

never do I want to be here again

and I don't remember why I came."

-Voodo by Godsmack 

 

I don't know guys I feel like complete shit today.  I want to cry, but I know I won't.  I don't cry for the most part, but  I think that I would feel better if I did.  I've done a lot of walking and thinking and "clearing of my head" and really its just seemed to make it worse.  When I'm up I'm really up, and I don't want to discount that.  I had a great time this past weekend in Boston.  Hanging out with Alix and chilling at Anime Boston was great...I also loved going to the aquarium and it was in a lot of ways really just what I needed.  At the time it had completely stopped my anger at AJ and I was fine after my big rant and utter fury at the boy a week ago.

I also have had good times this week, I mean I saw Boondock Saints and that was great.  Kathleen and I offically exercised once this weekend and it wasn't so bad.  My computer is almost completely healed and Kathleen and I had a great time chilling with Tim. 

 

Likewise though I took a whole day off classes on Wendsay amd I've just been everywhere really.  I called my mom the other day and we talked for a while about a bunch of stuff.  I really wanted to talk to her about somethings that I just couldn't say on the phone.  I feel like I should prepare her in some way for them, but I don't know how to do that.  All those times I was at the shrinks and she wanted me to talk about "blah" and what I really needed to do was talk about something else entirely.  I know its a little late, but it always takes me time to work around to saying what needs to be said.

Part of what has brought this up is my disscussion with Prof Cardinal today about my family essay.  It was just a draft and it was terrible.  I knew that when I handed it in, and I knew that she would be upset.  I have done some really good work and some really bad work in that class as a whole.  I want the end results to be good, but a lot of times everything is just so mixed.  Its hard to write about things that I feel as deep as I feel my family.  I know that what I would write about them would sound horribly emo and angsty, everything in that subject is too charged to touch.  Some of it is so good and some of it is so bad, and I know the depth of feelings that I have on the negative side make me sound like a weak pathetic melodramatic whiner, and I don't want to be her.  I know that soooooo many people have problems worthy of complaint space in their familys and I know that mine issues are piddling in comparison and that I need to get over myself and my issues.  I've been yelled at so many times over that sort of shit it does make me guarded and afraid to say too much or not enough.  I don't want to be one sided, I did my share to incure my suffering...in fact what went on is mostly my fault, but it isn't all my fault either. 

I'm also worried about the whole AJ thing in general.  I like him a lot, no doubt and he is a great person.  I worry where our relationship is going though.  We've been going out for a while and I have to figure things out soon because there are some things he'll be expecting soon and I have to sort everything out before that.  I worry that even though I do care about him that I really am going out with him as a crutch.  That I like the fact he is always there and he'll give me a hug and hold me and even if he says nothing the act alone in inmeasuable comforting to me.  Even though I know he isn't aware of it I feel sheltered by him, but I know I can't go out with him just to use him as a crutch and a sheild.  That can be part of a reason to go out with someone but it is the wrong reason if it is the sole reason one is dating someone.  I feel like I should break up with him, but every time I think about actually doing it I get really upset. 

I've been trying to think about why that is too.  Part of the reason I'm so upset is because I know that he will hate me if I break up with him.  I know that he will yell at me and make angry gestures and I'll go from being cute and little to a cunt bag he will never want to talk to again.  And that hurts and makes me want to cry...in fact I have cried a little over it when I was talking to my mother about ths subject.  Another part of it is that seeing him makes me smile, and I know its silly but I like when he is around and if AJ were to suddenly leave, there would be an empty space in my life which I couldn't fill very easily. 

Logically I know that while AJ is a nice guy, he doesn't have enough intellectually to offer me.  I also know that he doesn't have the ambition or drive I need in a man.  I know that he will drag me down and keep me in the long run from being free to do what I want.  I know that his loyalty is to the point of entrappment.  I know that he doesn't love me, and he doesn't even really like me, I'm just the best of what's around.  I know that I will always have to compromise and placate him while he will never do the same for me.  I will have to yell and scream to get him to move, and that AJ will never look at me and see anything special. 

I know that if I ever did fall in love with AJ, it would be one sided and painful for me, as someone who does not know themselves can not know let alone love someone else.  I know that if I had sex with AJ it would be like getting married to him and that if I broke up with him after that  I would become a dirty cheap whore interested in only one thing....

And still I don't want to break up with him, and I don't know why.  It is the damnedest most annoying thing, because I think I really should break up with him sometime over the summer, and yet somehow I think that next fall I'll still be going out with him...ah well. 

I'm also terrified about a summer job.  Somehow I have to pull it off, I just don't know how yet is all. 

And I want to write, but I don't have the time.

So much work and so little time, time is trapping me right now, but oh well.  I'll get through.  But I think I'm going to stop this before it gets worse.  Thanks and maybe I'll take a quiz or two.  Talk to you all later bye.

Mar. 7th, 2005

Alright, silly question but I fear it must be asked, what is our obsession with death?  I mean seriously like every poem EVER written (or at least it feels like that) is about death.  Death is neither good nor evil people, and we need to get over the fact that living=dying and enjoy what we have.  I am so tired of hearing shit cliche metaphors for death that invovle sleeping, dreaming, change of seasons, winter, exhaustion, change, confusion, the ultimate adventure, the last journey blah blah blah.  ARG!!!!!!  I don't get it.  Yes, I am growing old and I am eventually going to die.  I could die tommorrow.  I could die in the next second, whatever.  What's the big deal though?   Why is EVERYONE hung up on the inevitable?  The next poem or book I am forced to read by the school that talks about death is going to be brutally ripped apart and then I am going to twist the meaning into something, no ANYTHING else. 

Gods Damn it all, why do we have to read so much about depression.  Sure pain is a large part of life, but so is joy, and that joy is more precious.  Roar, you know how many times I have been told now that nothing with a happy ending can be artistic, or that tragedies have more artistic value?  ARG, pompous depressed assholes are full of sooooooooo much shit.  Yes, I do like SOME tragedies and they DO have artistic value, but they aren't the sole works of value in this world.  I think that is is much more beautiful and of artistic merit to see joy that transcend pain, like Ordinary People, it is a sad and up lifting book and I appreciated it because the main character rises out of tragedy and is stronger and more resilent.  I also like Star Girl a lot and I think that has a lot of deep meaning and artistic value.  Peirs Anthony's Immortal series, while perhaps not "artistic" persay are very clever, they are happy and have a lot of things to ponder, consider, and value. 

I don't know why all this depressing trash must intrinscically have value to me or to life in general.  A Separate Peice, for example, I will never understand that shit.  I'll never be able to accept it or wrap my brain around what happened in that book.  I can and do respect the fact that many people think its a great book, and at the same time it holds nothing for me personally.  I Know Why the Caged Birds Sing, would be more properly named if it were called Blame the White Man and make Him Feel as Guilty as Possible for Crimes that He Did Not Commit.  That was complete trash with nothing that I personally appreciated or enjoyed.  Admittedly, I think that plot in a lot of classics are shit, but can see artistica value in other  aspects, like Hamlet, I hate the story and think that the whole thing is a big bitch session with a side of killing and unhappiness, but I oculd talk forever about meaning and character  relationships.  I love Death of a Salesman and I think that it is horribly sick at the same time.  The line "you end up worth more dead than alive." is so forelorn and hopeless. 

I'm wracking my brain for anything that I have read recently, whether good or bad that had a happy ending or a hopeful one, and my mind keeps racing in blank circles.  I can't think of  almost anything.  I want to strech it and say, well Freida was somewhat of a happy ending, but in there it is happy because she was released from her pain in life through fucking death!  It is inspiring because of the art work and all the wonder she found inspite of the pain.  I guess one could argue that Garden State had a happy ending in many ways, yeah the Garden State was strangely happy and beautiful.  I saw A Beautiful Mind recently again and I think that movie is one of the most uplifting and moving things I have seen in a long time....Return of the Kings has a happy ending....

I guess I'm just tired of the monotony of the mundane tragic ending, and even as I read this work for school it makes me bitter and angry.  I feel like they are trying to sqeeze all the joy out of life and there is so much to be had.  Pure joy isn't simple to have, I mean you have to work for it and fight like crazy to mantain it, but it is those little moments that make people's lives.  Joy shapes people just as much as sorry and we can relate to it just as quickly and easily as sorrow.  We can share and empathize in it. 

I used to think that one of the reasons that there is more tears on pages than laughter is because we want to quantify pain.  We want to give it a specific amount to let us know that it isn't infinate and never ending.  Why we want happiness and good times to roll on forever, so we don't write about it,  We are too busy experiencing it and we secretly worry that by writing down our happiness we will show its limits and weaknesses. 

Now I think its more a sick refusal to enjoy life. The whole "Your life may be going well, but look at how much someone else's sucks," and then you are too guilty to be happy, or there is a small pang of sorrow for another's troubles.  These tragesies also make the smaller woes in life seem little and meaningless, you know the whole "Your so worked up about blah while over in Ethopia these poor children have no parents, food, clothes, shelter, and are slowly dying from the common cold".  I hate it all so much, why can't we take a break from our sorrow to experience other's happiness, why can't we acknowledge that each of our sorrows, regardless of the triviality are valid and worthy of consideration and time to work through and understand.  Guilting other people doesn't bring about action or solutions, it just kills the mood and makes that person either angry or feel little and insignificant.  None of it is fair.

Its stupid, almost a sick test.  "If you can endure all these horrible depressing works throughout childhood and adulthood without suffering a nervous break down or some sort of depression then you are a better stronger person."  I know I am not one of those better stronger people.  And after a while it only numbs people to others woes.  It makes us less empathetic and we focus more on our own issues.  Roar, I dislike it all so increddibly much.  It makes me angry.  All this violence and horor does one of tow things, it numbs people or it gives them a sick facination to see more.  Neither is good and arggggg. 

I'm going to quit while I'm behind, love you all dearly though and please pay no attention to my ceaseless ranting ^_^
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