August 2012




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Mar. 18th, 2010

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Life is a little better. I'm still having trouble getting out of bed, but sunshine is infectious in a good way. Went to the doctors and they've confirmed there is nothing medically wrong with me blood work and all. I did blood work but not scans. The doc didn't feel it was likly there was anything to see, after all I have known "mood issues" that show up in odd ways all the time. My mother has decided I look ill, and that's not encouraging. She is intentionally the last person I let in on mood drops if I have any control at all on the situation. Even when she does her best to help (and half the time she is "helping") we just are too different from each other. She might have empathy but she doesn't do the meaningful relating part well.

I've been wearing a lot of make-up and jewelry recently, I want a nice new style that sticks (or shops the funk out or at least makes me look incredibly put together so no one will notice what I don't want them to notice). I've been growing my hair out some. I like it at the length it's at this moment or maybe a tad longer, but I don't think I want anything past my ears ever again. I was looking at old pictures to help find some young Kyle pics for graduation. Seems that while my long hair was beautiful, it was never beautiful on me (at least not in any of the pictures I can find). There's this jump between my mid back length hair and my curled to my ears hair in Senior and it's just like, 'Oh, there I am.' The other long haired girl is obviously me too, but I was looking for that happier more self assured person and even though in almost all my pictures I have this put upon forced smile--but I look sooooo much better without the hair.

I wonder where I picked up that weird picture pose. Emma is always thrilled to be in pictures she's in the middle of almost all of them striking cute excited "look at me" poses that I know no one coached her into. There's several pictures she wasn't meant to be in but she jumped into last minute fully posed and ready to go. It's humorous really.

My brother has a few forced pics but most of them are him caught off guard in delight and general pleasure.

I'm sulky or forced happy. Most of the time I find a way to turn my head away. Dunno the three of us are so very different no one can ever accuse my mom or dad of trying to make us similar or coach us to a certain way of being (or they could be it obviously was very ineffective).

In other news: I love that new song "Mountain Men" by Crash Kings. No idea what it means, a lot of people online seem to think it's some kind of kink sexy. I think its really just about two people out hiking and adventuring spontaneously and enjoying life though. It made me think of the rockies and living out that way even before I saw the music video. I also like how the chorus talks about "sipping sunshine", it makes me wonder if sunshine is the antithesis of moonshine (booze) and does that mean they are drunk on life or the experience of being out there alive and moving or is sunshine some kind of code for another drug? Dunno I love the song and it's possibilities.

I finally updated firefox and I love the personalities app. Currently enjoying random pretty anime theme. If anyone knows of a good personality theme for escaflowned, FFX, FFX-2, Samurai Shamploo, Mars, Boys Over Flowers, or anything Clamp let me know. I'd love that.

AO3 updated and I have a profile pick. I'm using the Dollhouse "Pimps and Killers (in a Philanthropic way) by hobbitofkobol. It really doesn't fit with the fic I read, the comments I leave, or the works I'm writing write now but the bold colors and the cheek suits me right now. The more I play on AO3 the more I love it. Right now I'm getting into several Watchmen fics, which I'd never have read any Watchmen fics without AO3. They're interesting and I like the different little snips of the original comic that people include. What I've been reading has sort of made me want to write a little drabble for something. Just a 100-500 word tack on to something, but I haven't isolated exactly what or where I want to say something, so I'm waiting.

Speaking of "Watchmen" I know it makes me a huge geek but I really want to see that movie "Kick-Ass". It looks like it could be really enjoyable. I love the names of the super heroes "Kick Ass" , "Red Mist", "Hit Girl" and "Big Daddy". Full of win. I love Hit Girl's costume too, I mean that wig is to die for. I like how she comes out of no where in the commercials and is somehow the most violent and aggressive of the superheros. I also like that Kick Ass is the geeky sort of weak looking guy who takes a serious beating when he dresses up and seems to just get up and keep going. Dunno, I've always been fascinated with regular people transforming themselves into some kind of idealization. Super heroes in particular seem to mean something culturally to me. I like to think it's similar to how mythology might have spoken to people of their day, rising about the mundane world to be something more. Choosing or feeling obligated to do this large task that it seems like no one else could or would do that still needs to be done. It goes along with my fixing people thing I guess.

Later today I'm going to help my tutor child and see how they did on their test. I really really hope it went well, but I have some reservations about several parts of the test that I don't think he managed to perform swimmingly on. I've only been working with him since Saturday and I have some worries that Mom's expectations. This might be my last session and its too bad because there is a lot I know I've done well and more I could do. Then again he might have aced the test or perhaps I haven't given mom enough credit in recognizing the limit to what I can do on short notice.

Cosi and I are not getting along but then that shouldn't be a surprise. They had me work all seven days last week which led me to a new vow not to ever go into work on days off. They've been a little annoyed about that new secret promise, and I suppose it's so common that I come in they think it's part of my job description. Well they can see all the help I've been in a more concrete way now I would hope or at least they will. If not, screw 'em they have shown no consideration for me, there is no reason for me to show them consideration.

Along these lines the kids at Cosi's were having a conversation about their preferences in a sexual partner, and I may have been too blunt in stating some thoughts I'd had. One of my co-workers whose nice to me but possibly a questionable person starting going on about how he was exicted that spring was coming up because there would be bikini shots of the ladies soon. He was encouraging one of my co-workers to post bikini shots in her facebook and she retorted with a you must like Asian chicks cause I have no rack and most guys who like Asians like the stereo typically flat chested girl. The male in question retorted that he would be the judge of what she had to offer in a swim suit.

At this point in time I cut in with the whole "it has nothing to do with how you look and everything to do with how male co-worker A feels like he's sneaking something on the fly by checking out girls he believes are wholesome, young, or minimally unsuspecting. He doesn't like women he likes the idea of having power over women and defiling them or their purity. He likes to think that he has power over you and viewing your pictures in his home and jacking off or even commenting on your general appeal is a power play that thanks to the internet he's allowed to indulge. It's also why he can't seem to get any in real life because women recognize that and generally find it gross." I probably shouldn't have said that (or at least left of the last part anyhow), but really how often am I supposed to listen to the strip club, "I want a young girl to train", "It's technically legal", "it's not stalker-ish if it's freely posted" before I lost it? That the female co-worker is still too young/inexperienced to get what was going on (none of the nudge nudge wink wink behavoir was in play) really just ticked me off.

I can't stop this guy from being a grungy asshole, but really I shouldn't have to listen to it for at least an hour every day either. If this makes him think twice before opening his gross mouth then good for me I think. I guess I don't regret it or feel bad at all then. Well I hope it doesn't negatively affect my job then.