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Feb. 10th, 2010

I Know You Too Well

Dear Various Members of Cosi Staffing,

I know you. I know your motivations and thoughts and feelings and personalities. I know far more about your lives than you will probably ever know about mine. And so I would kindly like you to stop before I turn the knowledge I've gathered into weapons.

I get that generally speaking your a group of miserable people. You live at home with your parents and never plan on leaving them or getting a self sustaining job or getting the training for a self sustaining job. Most of you can't be bothered to get insurance even though there is a fine for not having it.

You think a good night is one where you get so drunk you can't remember anything. Not remembering is apparently better than living your life.

You go to strip clubs where you harass the strippers and take liberties that are creepy, threatening, and get you kicked out of the clubs. Yes you are the jack asses that make that racket particularly miserable.

When some one joking implies you aren't hot (not that you are unattractive just that you are not the epitome of masculinity) you retort that at least you wouldn't beat the person senseless. Then you stare at a co-worker whom you believe dated/is dating at guy with domestic abuse charges on record. Because what might have happened to her is funny or what might have happened proved she's at fault/has a low standard/should be grateful about your magnanimous generosity you've shown by not beating her senseless. You're outraged when she is defensive and moody with you after this.

When a co-worker knowingly makes a sex joke where they are the butt of said sex joke, instead of laughing and moving on you feel the need to twist that joke around on them. To make like one small "that sounded wrong" joke speaks volumes to them personally and that there sex life is who they are and that if one can see innuendo then they must be sluts.

While one male co-worker can talk about conquests and one night stands and everyone wants to hear every detail. Everyone wants to congradulate them. Everyone thinks it's wonderful and gives extra kudos when they hear the girl was sixteen and drunk while the male is twenty-two. That's all still fine. No one even blinks.

These comments will encourage several of you to go farther and express desire for another co-worker's younger sister (who is fourteen). You will talk about how she is a tease who knows what she's doing and is definitely interested. You will talk about how she is the same as her older sister except younger and therefor better. You have no problem with saying several of these nasty things in front of the co-worker who's sister is the topic of this conversation. You are surprised she doesn't take this as a compliment to both herself and the sister.

When a female co-worker likes flirting and maybe more, not that anyone is sure because she has never mentioned it or brought it to work with her, there is endless gossip out how she's a horrible slut. How she will sleep with anyone. How she looks for love in all the wrong places. How she should pick up men her own age (because flirting with men eighteen-twenty when you're twenty four is apparently obscene).

None of this is to say that you don't have redeeming qualities. I've seen you be kind and thoughtful. You are a good honest worker and no matter what kind of fucked up life you have at home, I would pick you to be on the team during a lunch rush. You have good taste in music and it's quite cute when you burst into spontaneous song. You let me ramble on about random loosely related topics you probably have little interest in least manage to appear interested. You never snap at me when I make mistakes or when a customer is being fussy and I'm the messenger bring back the third plate of food to you.

You aren't bad people, you've just bought some bad shit. I don't hate you, I don't even dislike you except keenly in patches when you're being an unintended tool.

And now we come to the main point. You are smart enough to know not to treat me like several other female co-workers. Objectification and gossiping to my face would never be tolerated. Flirting past the most generic versions or the most startled exclamations would be violently rejected. You are smart enough to leave me out of that, though sometimes I relate to and act in a perfect mimicry of the women who work at Cosi who you're sure like that attention. I suppose my appearance and that warning edge I have when we tread into that territory effectively send the hint.

You should not take my appearance vs my ability to occasionally appear in ways you find more pleasurable as a right to ask why/how I've done "this" to myself. You make it sound like wearing glasses and having short hair are the same as scarring myself. Don't ever say with wonder and awe that I'm a very pretty girl. Don't tell me how I'm not what you expect and how I completely befuddle you. Don't burden me with confusing revelations that you like me/ are attracted to me even though I am physically and maybe mentally so many things you don't like in women or in people in general.

I won't be flattered. I won't help you wade through your hang ups and ridiculous standards. I won't be interested in having a relationship with you. I don't think we're meant to be together because your attraction to me transcends all your natural inclinations. And I sure as hell am not breaking down a list of my personal choices and why I made them. Maybe I like my hair short. It's easy to take care of, it looks good, and it has the added bonus of usually keeping asshole like you from hitting on me (it still would if we didn't work together so often that you've gotten past the all of "this" that I've done to myself). Because I dress in a way I find pleasing, and I don't give a damn what men or women or anyone else thinks about the look.

Anyhow the point isn't "don't talk to me" the point is "don't ask me ridiculously stupid and insulting questions". Because the first thing that comes to mind when you ask me these things isn't flattery or the fact that maybe this will lead to growth for you, it's all those gross ugly unmentionables I started this rant with. I think of those and I think of the idea that you might like me or find me pretty and I feel like somehow I've taken part in something very dirty. So next time you want to say something nice to me, please don't. Thanks!


Jul. 31st, 2009


I have been writing a lot in my paper journal on my back and forth from here to Boston.  I''ll probably back date and add those entries in later for my own records.  I think there will be a lot of time spent journal writing that way this summer.  It makes me super glad  I got a small cute owl journal earlier this year. 

Today is pretty much the day I'll have off for a little while.  Not complaining about it at the moment, just saying.  

I'm still really into the work I'm doing at the fund, which is good because it's only been three days and it would be terrible if I suddenly stopped liking it.  I find that I'm surprisingly a tiny bit embarassed to explain or talk about what I do to other people.  Which is odd because I've never felt that way about working for fast food or working as a secretary.  Maybe it's the way people rush to tell me I'm doing a good thing and have a strong moral compass and so on.  It's like they are justifying the work for me or something.  I don't like the feeling that people are making excuses for why I do what I do. 

And I'm not doing something embarassing.  I'm a grassroots activist with strong focuses in bringing information to the public, getting support and bringing momentum to campaign against big buisness lobbists.  You do that one person at a time door to door or on the streets.  Then you follow up with publishing as much as you can in any newpaper, magazine, or other work that will have you.  You petition and send letters to congressmen and reps.  None of this is embarassing stuff.  It's empowering and interesting and potentially hope laden.  I'm confused by my own reactions when explaining the job really. 

Met this kid Todd the other day who goes to MCLA.  Got a million little bits of gossip from him and I was loving it.  We had a ball and I'm sorry that I won't be seeing him again.  Makes me think this job is really going to give me more of a chance to reach out and make some more friends or friendly aquantences.  The ones I have are great but I need a few more really.  And I know I'm done with college and need to move out of that mind set into something else, but I dunno, as long as I'm not trolling college activities and classes looking for friends, it's probably ok for me to float for a little while. 

  I also noticed that if a gay guy tosses around the word whore all the time it doesn't bother me.  Maybe because he never really meant it as any one thing, just something to say inbetween like cool or awesome would be for most.  Maybe it's my own persceptions of who can or can't call someone a whore.  I don't know, it's got me thinking.  Because I know people have used that word causually in convo and it's pissed me off, so I'm trying to figure out why now, while I've recently been hyper sensitive about language and its usuage, hearing whore bantered around made me laugh and shrug most of the time.  Is it a preconcieved notion I need to address with me or is it really a case of context and usage?

The veneer of the Fund has been tarnished for me and I'm relieved. I learned that it's all about the money and being liked as far as staying goes.  They do actually throw away some of the petitions when they become unwieldy instead of saving them all.  They keep people they don't like or trust or whom don't follow protocal if they make money and if you don't make money and are liked you can stay forever.   It makes me less nervous to know who I'm playing ball for and to know it's all the status quo.  I think it might be enough for me that the money and effort is going to the cause and that there's a middle ground between horribly earnest and intense people and people who don't care at all.  It's more human. 

And I'm off to Jason Maraz soon so I'm happy all around.  Will tell more about the Mohegan Sun and all else afterward, but I'm stoked.  ^_^
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Oct. 1st, 2008

Surprises of the Negative Variety:

In case anyone was having a bad day and thought they were the idiot in the room, please stop. Today that idiot would be me. I don't know why I thought the substitute teaching thing would be easy to do. I guess I just assumed that WY was like MA. In case anyone was wondering, it's not.

Where you don't even need a degree in MA to be a sub, in WY you need a degree, 65 in class hours, and a state permit that includes teaching courses, teaching time, WY constitution info, a background check, and finger printing. Just getting the permit is $100, no mention that I can't find on how to get class room hours. Oh and even if I did all this, the district if probably freezing applications in the coming week-guess everyone with a license wants in.

I guess it's good that WY is careful with their children?

So plan one was foiled and I hot trotted back to monster. It doesn't help that all the jobs are really unappealing or that the interenet here is on the fritz (like now I'm typing this into a word processor because there is no wireless to steal.

Oh well, maybe I'll pick up a few PETCO applications after all, because I think I'd like working with animals. With my luck you probably need licenses for that too. Meh, I'll go tomorrow.

Anyhow, brainstorm with me, what kind of jobs would I actually like to do? I like children and animals. I like teaching and nurturing. I suppose if I had a nurse's license that might work. That would carry over from state to state too (with a test or two anyhow) or maybe an nurse's assistant. I'll look into that when the internet is back.

I also like team focused activities, writing, finding creative solutions. I've got an English degree. What kind of entry level work can I do with all that?

I know when the web is back I'll have to look into temp agencies and see if someone somewhere will take me even for a temporary period.

I'm not desperate yet, but I am worried. Worrier by nature really. Send me good wishes and hopefully within the month I'll be able to figure something out. I won't be one of the people who lives off their significant other. For one thing the mate can't really afford it (well technically he could but it would be very close). For another I can't stand to be at home all that time without work. Maybe I really will go work with him. They'd take me and the pay isn't terrible. Plus we'd have the same hours so we wouldn't always be missing each other.

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Sep. 5th, 2008

I Did it!

Gave my two weeks today.

So the good news was that it wasn't as hard as I thought and as bad as my job is, my boss really is a nice guy.  He was fair and understanding about  it all. 

The bad news is that I was so relieved and so interested in being accommodating I agreed to work three extra days to train a replacement if my boss could arrange someone (hey Kathleen, is Anne still looking for a job?).  My bf is going to be pissed when I tell him (sometime later tonight when and if he calls).    And I'm worried for my dad (he insists on escorting me and I don't want him to have to take too much time off).  

At least all went relatively well and it could have been much worse.  I'm more relieved and happy than worried really.

C'est la vie.      
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Aug. 16th, 2008

I Really really hate my job