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Jun. 25th, 2010

Life

Life updates:

1. Was promoted at Cosi to shift supervisor and I could be promoted again within six months. Right now I'm making $11/hr and will be up to $12/hr in 39 days, not that I'm counting.

2. Wakefield is up in the air, they keep putting me off and I'm wondering if they have it in their budget to hire me or anyone for that position or if they don't want to turn down my Aunt's favorite nephew's grandchild and can't find a nice way to turn me away.

3. The vic is dead, breaks went on me. We're trying to sell the car on Craig's List because my dad can't stomach the idea that she'll be torn into pieces in a junk yard.

4. I can not afford a car new or used. I don't have enough to buy it out right and even though I have school loans, for some reason those don't count so taking out a car loan would be my first loan which no one is willing to share enough that I could by a car with with any kind of reasonable interest. Banks suck as do car dealers and car salesmen. I don't know why this shit has to be so hard.

5.My family is sharing cars until my car shit can be sorted out, which will probably be in mid August when I'll be more comfortable with my promotion and have saved up enough to go from $1500 down on a car to about $2000 down and be more comfortable with car payments-- maybe. Perhaps there are sales or something else that I'll be able to use then. I don't know the whole situation makes me nervous as fuck and often I just want to cry about it (now if only that would help).

Anyhow getting rid of the Vic has brought up a lot of WY shit. Just memories and dreams and amorphous floating thoughts. Not a bad place just not a good place either. It makes me miss Zac a little and I had thought I was past that. I mean I don't date miss him I just companion and partner miss him. A lot of the romance in our relationship had kind of faded anyhow by the time I'd left him. We tried, but our lives were too much on edge for a lot of that. We knew we were losing that fight. But travel partners, friends in struggle and all those good metaphors were as golden as ever. I could use a room mate or a friend like him right now is all.

Anyhow working in Wareham makes me think of WY too. The people there have a lot of similar characteristics to those in WY. They aren't as rough around the edges and they aren't homophobes, but the J-man is very present in their lives. They are very serious about a job that most people think of as a "fake" job. There are warm and inviting and generally lack the classic New England snobbery/ cold fish syndrome that I hate so much. Aloof is not my choice emotion in myself or others.

I feel like part of me is finally knitting back together that was lost. About eight months ago I'd gone to get an aura reading and confirmed that my aura had drastically changed. It isn't back the way it was before, too much has happened for that, but it isn't blue anymore either (not that there is anything wrong with blue in general, but I'm not really suited for that amount of that level of energy).

Some spiritual stuff later but I'm not up for a write up on it right this moment.
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Mar. 11th, 2010

Le Sigh

So I think I might actually be depressed. With the lovely time of the month over, I actually feel worse. The weather (minus today) has been beautiful, I've finally got a teacher's license in hand, I even have a tutoring job starting today, and I have a possible editting job looming.

I feel awful. I'm tired all the time even though I'm sleeping well. My food diet hasn't changed and it includes lots of iron and b12. My head doesn't hurt but it feels all heavy and every now and then there's a lightening storm of pain that is sudden and random. Emotionally, I feel miserable and things are getting better. I don't understand.

I mean I'm writing, fanfiction, but still writing makes me feel good usually or at least it distances the numbness and general dark cloud.

I think if I were so inclined, I could write a poem or two, but I don't think I'd like the subject matter much. I already know I miss Zac. Why now and suddenly and sharply in this moment is a bit of a mystery to me, but meh. I miss him.

I know missing Zac is sort of like missing empty space. You weren't using it, you didn't know it very well, really what you liked most about it was the freedom of possibility that having it gave you. Beyond all that once you'd filled the empty space you might not like it so much anymore, and even if you did still adore it, it would be something completely different.

Which is to say that Zac isn't particularly rare or special (at least some of the qualities in him I valued most weren't), and it seems a bit of a waste to pine after him this way. I mean I knew how we were living was going to be temporary and both of us needed to change some to make it really work. I left because he wasn't going to change and I couldn't make that fly by myself.

Maybe I'm just lonely. Seems highly likely. I mean I'm surrounded by people at work and at home who don't get it and no amount of explaining would make how I view life and interact make sense. I'm far too intense in some places and not engaging enough in others. For all the people happy enough to approach me and make small talk for a few moments, in the long run I'm off putting. It's mostly my own fault, I know that, it doesn't make picking up someone or something to be less sad easier.

I miss being whatever I was before this. I dunno what specifics that entails, but I know I really miss that woman or at least I miss feeling like her.

I feel very incomplete and sad these days. I'm starting to consciously think the worst in people. I need to get up and drive and never look back, but as that can't/won't happen. I need to find something else I can turn to.
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Dec. 14th, 2009

About to Emotionally Bleed Out Across Insane Journal

Dec. 7th, 2009

Don't Judge Me

So I'm going to go see New Moon. I hate the concept of the books (I've never tried to read them so I can't out right dislike the writing though I loathe the plot) and I find the fangirls (and fanboys as it happens) generally pathetic and somewhat upsetting. This team Jacob/ team Edward stuff that everyone is embracing grates on me in so many ways. I mean Bella, no matter how simpering and pathetically she is portrayed is a person and not a game or a favorite toy for two "powerful and mysterious" forces to fight over. Secondly, we know what happens. I mean who doesn't know the outcome of the series by now? So why are we routing on a predetermined outcome?

I hate that the series is so popular amoung youth and adults that they are using these movies to sell cars. It was bad enough there were shirts, toys, perfume, makeup and so on but cars. CARS!

I hate all the vampire series that have cropped up trying to take some of twilight's success. I mean I just Do. Not. Like. any aspect of the phenomina. I'm fiercely annoyed that I can't look at anything without there being a reference or reminder or a sale pending on the series. I think that harry potter and lord of the rings might have been similar, but since I liked those things and chose to wrap myself in them, it's hard for me to tell if my annoyance is that I dislike twilight or I dislike my inability to escape or both.

That being said a new girl my age at work asked if I would go with her and I said yes. I don't generally have a lot of friends and I have less in the area now that I usually do. I thought a companion even a casual one that I'd have to sit through Twilight to possibly gain would be worth something. I mean you don't turn down someone's first offer to hang out unless it's dangerous because there may never be a second one.

So I'm going and I'm going to focus on what I liked and not think about anything thing else as hard as I can. So it looks like the guy playing Jacob, is a cute looking guy so there should be some eye candy. From the trailers the wolf transformation looks cool to watch at least. Um, I think there should be less screen time where I have to deal with Edward in this one than in others I could have been dragged to. The scenery looks like it could be pleasant. The girl playing Bella is probably a good casting call. There might be a neat score of music. I'm told the fight scenes are epic-but it was a bunch of love struck teens I was talking to so...

Yeah, I'm this desperate, but fuck it, I had good nights out watching shitty movies. I had a blast a Beowulf after all and that might have been one of the worst movies I've ever watched. Another positive thing no matter how much I hate the plot it is not humanly possible for the thing to suck as much as the whole mess that was Beowulf.

On related notes Zac is in Little Rock Arkansas and living with his sister while trying to help raise her baby. I want to talk about this and my feelings and I don't. Maybe in another few days. I was too emotional to even utter the words or think of the idea for a few weeks. Now I can wrap my head around it some and there's a lot of bitterness and darkness to a degree I'm a little surprised with myself. Am I this angry and vengeful? Is it all morose thinking or am I just being realistic.

I don't know I know some personal private information on the situation, I want to respect by not musing with it publicly, but I have a lot of reservations whether or not this situation is beneficial to anyone involved.

In spite of it all I do want him to be happy. I wish he and his sister a lot of luck and hope they can pull a sense of family together for little Hannah. She's going to be one in a few months. To think it's been so long and she was such a beautiful baby. Probably is still a beautiful baby and starting to form into a beautiful little girl.

Beyond Zac I worry for Ian too. He's out now alone in WY. I know his job won't cover the cost of the apartment he's living in. I know he has substance abuse problems and apparently is trying out AA meetings-though I don't think he has the sticking power for that without a stronger support system. I worry about him so far away from his parents especially without a friend in the area. I feel a little guilty because I didn't want things to be easy for him, but I never wanted him to be hurt or for him to lose his friendship with Zac.

Snow is on the ground here and its cold. I feel like so many people around me are going through little winters in their lives right now. Options are closing off and doors are locking them out and whether it's there own choice or not, I still don't want people out in the cold. I'm worried for them and I'm worried for me. I am just worried I guess and without a proper outlet at the moment.

Nov. 30th, 2009

On Family and Other Sour Spots

I hate family holidays. It's not as bad as it used to be. There isn't a mind numbing soul obliterating anxiety about them anymore as there used to be. There's just a dull ache of worry and some slight stomach tremors. Really the worst bit was that I thought I'd probably never have to go to a shin dig like this again. I would go one day, I just would never have to.

I didn't want to talk about where I'd been what I'd been doing and how I was. I'm better but not so well that I can always talk about Zac or Wyoming or what was a fairy tale life that while childish and unsustainable was also beautiful. I just can't talk about it especially with people who don't get it and no one in my family gets it.

Instead I gave short answers and listened to long unending diatribes of how awesome everyone else is. I was glad they were well but I could have done without the jabs at where they were compared to me. I sincerely hope I never did that to them or anyone else, though my successes are so few and far between, I'm sure I've had little opportunity to knock some else further down that way.

In particular my cousin, who works at Fenway went on and on about how boring but glamorous her job was, how much she hated living at home (though she does nothing there but sleep and hang out), and how wonderful her parties and nights out were. I wanted her to be successful. I was prepared to hear about her success and joy so it didn't even sting that much when she kept slighting me and where I was or discarding some of the work I have to do like chores and house upkeep and whatnot.

What did sting was to find out later that her job at Fenway pays $9/hr she works no more than 30hrs a week and she doesn't get benefits. She'd sat there and scorned my retail work as less and demeaning when we make the same hourly rate, I work full time and my job gives me benefits. I don't have an hours commute by public transportation to pay for or anything.

In other more pleasant news my bro got a letter from Mass Maritime and we think it might be his acceptance *hopefully*. I've got to wait for him to come home and open it but I'm super hopeful for him. It's very exciting.

Also, they've finally corrected the comp and literacy portions of the mtels, I should finally have results and hopefully a license on the 9th. Maybe I've be able to pick up some second term work or start vigorously looking for the fall. I'm apprehensive and excited. I don't know what I'll do if this doesn't work and my parents feel strongly I'll need several other back up plans that I'm not sure how to approach but I'll have to figure something out soon I guess.

Oct. 25th, 2009

A little imagination...

May. 28th, 2009

My First Attempt at a Second person-Clearly too emotional to make it work

In the timeless optimism of the summer, you will make him a promise you can't keep. You're too young too sure, but most of all too hopeful. The warm golden days fill you along with the knowledge that this man-boy is everything you need. He makes you feel comfortable in your own skin. Every move you make is no longer some form of compromise or half bitter.

Of course it will seem reasonable to tell him you love him and promise to move with him and support him. You'll think his bright smile and eyes filled with endless gratitude is a good sign.

Even in your leap of faith, there will be conditions. Your boy needs a job, he must find a way to finish college, and he must have a place beyond the parental home for you to stay at.

You don't believe he'll manage it of course. It makes you sad, but it also comforts you some. The promise to follow him seems a bit silly now. You still love him and the discontent you feel with your surroundings is stronger. Every day you do to a job that's miserable. The call of school can be heard. It promises a change even if it is also something you don't want. Unfortunately, this promise is false. Graduated now and there is no change from one monotony to the others. It's one more phantom limb in your life.

He will do as you ask and he will call for you when least expected. You will be relieved and worried.

May. 27th, 2009

Letter to Zac Break up post and what not

Zac,

So my emotions are finally in such a state of flux that I don't know what they are. I think I'm angry and hurt which is mostly amusing because one reason we dated was that I didn't think you could hurt me. I'd had my share of know down brawls and I was done with them. I needed someone safe and secure.

I still don't know what your raised voice sounds like. I don't much care either.

I thought our relationship meant more. I should have known you have no sticking power. Between an unpleasant place and the possibility of better living, you chose the known quantity. I wasn't safe or sure enough for you to consider the risk.

You choose the stupid risks over those that might actually land you somewhere. I left thinking I just didn't get it, that you were some mystery. You know what, no one gets it!

There is so much I don't get:

1. Why didn't you pick a major and finish. You knew the debt and you meandered around. I was a luxury you didn't have.

2. Why Wyoming over Ian's?

3. How could you just give up without thought? What did I do that made you decide I wasn't enough to even consider and in light of choosing not to, why didn't you lie? You couldn't wait until after I left to break up?

You are on of those people who can never be at fault because you never choose. You are at fault by not choosing sometimes as much and then you never got what you wanted from the whole mess.

Can you even make a decision? Are you capable of being ahead of the curve instead of behind it?

I don't think I want to talk to you or abou you again. You have hurt me so much without meaning it. You don't mean anything ever though.

I'm so hurt, angry, and sad. I don't regret but I don't know if I'd be amenable to seeing you again, even on an as friends basis.

Perhaps the saddest outcome is that I don't hear you. With those I spend so much time with, there are imaginary mental counter parts with whom I speak to in place of the actual. You don't have on because you never have anything to say. You believe people like talking just to be heard, but I don't. I want the response, dialogue, reactions, thoughts. I want another view and balance. You never gave me this. I think you could have but didn't.

I did value your acceptance. Open arms and keen but kind eyes was something I needed, but one can't be done to the exclusion of the other. It's always been hard for you but I'm not binary girl. Either or's aren't my mindset.

What I miss most about you are the touches. It's something that you'd think I could get elsewhere. In some specific scenarios, I know I could do better even. You'd be surprised how reluctant I am to replace those comforts or how many of those warm hugs and rubs fall flat. Sad melancholy those people meant to chase away deepens. Your touch meant support, love, affection, acceptance. Even as I know your body lied, created a support system the rest off you had no intention of giving, I miss it. Its nice to feel that with no strings attached even if it's a lie.

All of this is to say that while I'm a liar and emotionally unavailable at times, you are a deceiver. While I don't love you, can't love what is really there: a scared boy who wants a stability and love from his parents that they will never be able to provide. Someone who chases this illusion subconsciously and single mindedly to the destruction of all else-- and if this isn't you either, I have no clue who you are. Shy, fearful in so many ways I'm not, you were good for me in spite of it all. I'm mostly sorry I wasn't good for you in some way. I hope you figure yourself out. I hope you find what you need. Most of all, I hope you find your joy. I'm sorry I wasn't more helpful in those pursuits. Goodbye.

Never Again Yours.

May. 6th, 2009

It's been a while.  So since I've last written, I was fired, collecting unemployment, and then getting desperate for work.  Since then I've moved back to MA and apparently broken it off with my significant other, which makes me evil, even though I wasn't the one who gave up.  I gave up on finding a job in Wyoming sure, but I very much would have like to bring him back with me to MA. 

I'm sure I'll be crushed later.  Right now I'm just pissed off that he wouldn't even consider coming out this way in a few months if I found something that was good for me out this way.  Since I went out to where he could "go to school", not that he is going to school or planning to go within the next few years.   I don't know someone who will commit so little of themselves after two years and after I've shown the most commitment I know how to show to their goals and dreams, just makes me angry.  Guess  I feel cheated and bitter.  Like I was never important to him or not important enough to be considered when I wasn't convient.  Guess his unconditional love was more conditional than my specifically stated conditional love.  

Anyhow, I'm back in the Mass area.  I have an interview with the temp agency tommorrow at 9:30.  I've cleaned up my resume, or my daddy helped me do so anyhow.  I've applied to ten or so paces.  What can I say, monster is a miserable engine but I'm doing my best with it.  

Since I've been home I've had two interesting dreams. 

In the first, I was in Wyoming and looking for something.  I don't know what, it was never really the same.  I spent a lot of time at stores being turned away and in the parking lot there were animals, like horses and chickens and bunnies and goats and whatnot.  I stole some of them but I don't know what happened to them.  I wanted to see Zac and at the same time I knew that I couldn't/wouldn't like what I came across.  So then I went home and worked on pink eye shadow.  I did one eye so well and then the other came out alright but uneven and I spent a long time looking for the stuff to redo the eye with.   When they both were ready to go I left to go clubbing only to remember I have no idea where clubs in cheyenne are (if the kind that I think would be fun exist at all in that state).  So I'm driving around with my eye shadow done up wishing for a dance and my bf only to remember that for some reason he doesn't want to see me or I don't want to see him, it's confused.

When I woke up I wasn't befuddled.  I knew where I was and why I was there.  There were no dream cobwebs of Cheyenne or illusions that Zac and I were still dating.  I don't know guess that makes a relationship really dead then, when you don't even forget momentarily. 

Anyhow, I don't remeber so much in the second dream except that I was traveling a lot at first with Zac who wanted to break it off and then when he did I was traveling with Jeff.  Before I know it, Jeff and I are kissing and Zac is back and wants to get back together but Jeff and I are already together.  It was akward and I was glad to wake up.  

Saw Kathleen yesterday and that was fun.  Will see AJ later when I'm less relationship sensitive and now I have to go because my brother just came home and has apparently decided he's going to go to prom after all.  Date and everything and the prom is Fri and we have to pull together a tux and convince our mom that he can/should go without too much fuss.  Write more later.
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Apr. 29th, 2009

SAVE THE DATE

Zac and I broke up this day...well probably technically on the 30th but the convo started today

Sep. 27th, 2008

Yesterday's Still Adjusting Notes

Mate and I celebrated our year and a half drunk anniversary yesterday.  We've got two, one where a drunk baby asked me out and I told him that I'd say yes, but couldn't until he came and asked me out sober (happened on the 28th, so the anniversaries are close, we usually just celebrate the most convenient one).  The other one sports a red faced, can't make eye contact, flower toting, nervous as anything stuttering mess.   I found both rather pleasant.    

We found out that there is delicious Chinese in the area that gives you enormous portions that we'll feast on today as well.    I had some Asti to celebrate the occasion and he joined me before swapping to gin and tonic.      I drank most of the bottle and that makes it the most alcohol I've drank without getting ridiculously drunk.  Heck, it's the most I've drank since college.   Let me say that drinking in college and drinking in the real world is very different.  Maybe what's different is drinking with just the bf vs drinking in false joviality with a lot of peers all interested in doing stupid or ridiculous stuff.  

Anyhow I feel worlds better today than I have been feeling.  I'm still waking up at quarter to eight without prompting, but I'm sleeping and eating in a WY schedule now and I feel awake and alert and  better oriented and happy.  I was really grumpy yesterday and pretty miserable.  I feel bad because I met the mate's dad and sister for the first time and though I think I was probably ok, I wasn't really on my A game.  Though, I don't really think it's fair to ask someone to be on their A game after the travel I did.   I mean I met his mom my first full day here and then his dad and sis the second.   I understand why they would want to meet me, but at the same time I needed some down time too.   

Doesn't matter, I feel better now and I'm fairly certain that if I didn't make an A+ impression, I at least didn't make an ass of myself. 

One thing I love about Wyoming, the summer I felt I missed in New England I'm enjoying here.  The kind of weather I very much wanted in the spring and summer is here now.  I was having trouble coming to terms with fall and now, I get a chance to enjoy the summer weather, even if it is out of season.  The flowers are still in bloom here.  There are sunflowers everywhere.  It's in the 70s.  There's just the right amount of cloud coverage.  I even sort of like the cowboy thing.  I mean it's kind of campy and I can see it growing on me....as long as I don't have to take it too seriously that is.  They've got a silhouette of a guy riding a bucking horse they call cowboy Joe and I'm already growing a bit of a soft spot for him.   

One thing no one talked to me about when they spoke of the Midwest, was just the sense of space.  There's so very much of it here.  I think it's the combination of flat and the lack of trees that does it, but I mean things just go on and on.  My first impressions of that look is that I like it, we'll have to see if it sticks.  I do tend to over romanticize things quite a bit.  

And no one prepared me for the Midwest's beauty.  I mean the corn and the wheat fields and the sunflowers and the fields of little yellow flowers that I think will be squash and the cows and horses.  It was just amazing.  And yeah, I'm pretty sure I touched on this already, but I don't think I can emphasize how much I liked it or how worth seeing it really is. 

Of course I'm one for green in my scenery and I like rolling plains.  I like the sun.  I have always liked the out doors and had an interest in farm life.  I can see how if you didn't like those things, the Midwest might not be a trip worth making.

It's noon and I'm letting the mate sleep, but I can't believe how long he can lay in bed.  I was up at eight, he got up at ten to demand snuggles and I managed to escape around eleven fifteen.  It's not that I don't like cuddling, but if there isn't talking or plans to move or sleep involved, I'm far too fidgety for that.   I we cuddled last night, now we're burning daylight though and there's stuff I want to do.  Go out shopping and getting the stuff we forgot for one thing.  Peak at the Barnes and Nobles because I have a big gift card for there and I could always use the books.  

Finally unpack all the plates so I'm not rummaging around for bits and pieces.  It would be much easier if he unpacked the plates because I can't reach the cabinets at all.  I'm too short.  I don't mind using a chair or whatever, but hopping up and down to get the supplies and then to stick them in the drawers is more work than him just shoving all the stuff where he wants it.

At least we signed up for wireless.  We'll have that on the second.  Till then its hit and miss stolen internet for me. 

Tags:

Sep. 2nd, 2008

So Very Busy

In pink because I'm hopeful that makes my stress and worry lower a bit.  Though to be fair there is a lot of exictment there too.  

  • Saw Kathleen this weekend, for what I thought at the time would be our last face to face for a while.   I'm pretty sure I'm going to see her again for a Dar Williams (here's hoping her new CD with "buzzer" is out) concert though (if you read this before I email yes to you, the answer is yes pending on ticket prices).   Anyhow I'm definately going to miss her, it's a little sad to see our college best friendness be stretched, but I suppose it will be good too.  After all going somewhere new and doing something completely different has to be (hopefully will be) at least as good as it is bad.  Maybe I've totally messed that up though.  Meh.  
  • been helping my brother with all of his many summer reading essays and he's not too bad a writer.  My mom made it sound like he was terrible and, well he isn't.  I guess I should have pulled that from my high marks in English compared to my mother's rather acidic criticque of my own work.  Either way, I'm glad it will be easier on him...even if he does fight me a bit on how much correction is required to make the essay actually meet the ruberic AND fit into your basic thesis formed paper.  It's not entirely his fault they wanted him to cram so much info in one essay, personally I think really there should be a summary paper and a reaction paper as opposed to forcing the two together, but that's just how I do things I guess. 
  • I've noticed how some habits you think are dead really aren't.  A few weeks ago my bf was talking to me about how he'd downloaded all of The Killers because they reminded him of me.  Now I like The Killers, but I couldn't for the life of me figure out why they would remind him of me.  I mean if I were to pick an artist, it would be something less mainstream, like Frou Frou, Loreena Mckinett, Tori Amos, and what have you.  What I hadn't figured in to this equation is that I sing and hum a lot, most often if there is a song to go with like the Killers (which I would be more likily to hear because it is both on my playlist and on the radio as well as on many other's playlists) but I also sing whatever is stuck in my head when I'm happy or when I need filler or when I want cheering up or just because.  I didn't think about that because I didn't think I did that anymore.  My mother hates humming, singing, and whistling.  She always told me I had a terrible voice when I sang that would drive people away (of course none of my friends think this and I have some pretty honest and musically inclined friends, but to each their own).  I didn't want to hear all that so I stopped singing and phased out humming when at home.  Turns out I still do it as long as I'm not at home.  I noticed that at work, since I'm in an isolated area, I'll often catch myself singing out loud and have to stop.  It's just weird to think something like that, which I thought I grew out of is still very much a core little snippet.  I don't know, I guess it just sort of hit me how much I change/shut down when I'm at home. 
  • I've been having really stressful upsetting dreams but when I wake up, there's just that emotion and little snippets of what was going on.  For example, I know that last night's dream was about packing and moving but it was also about hiding from some dream version of Nazis who pretty much wanted me dead.  I know it's just stress from the waking world but it still is unsettling.  I wish the anxiety would leave me be when I'm sleeping.  
  • I'm making a baby blanket for my bf's sister.  I'm trying to hold reiki energy while making it too, but I'm not sure how well that's going to work out for me.  It's hard to be a clear radio as Mrs V woud call it when one is snarking over snarls, tangles and lost loops.  I'll just have to try harder I guess. 
  • My bf started moving into our apartment today.  I know I'm not there and not going to be there for a bit, but I can't help but feel thrilled. The landlady didn't just clean the carpet, but she just put in a new fridge, stove, and dishwasher.  She hadn't mentioned that when we were looking at it (and by we I mean my bf while he kept me informed of course).  I'm glad we stuck with this appartment pick even if the kitched is insanely small. 
  • While talking to Kathleen it occurred to me that I think I really do want to try my hand at getting some of my work published.  I haven't felt this free in years and it's so odd.  I mean on one hand I can see that my slightly emotionally abusive mother has a pretty strong hold on me still because when I tried to tell my bf that I wanted to work on getting published as part of my career goals in WY I lost all basic control to talk and blurted out "what do you want me to do for work when I get there?"  It's the kind of answer I give my parents when they are working on me.  It isn't the kind of answer I should give my bf.  I should be able to just say what my plan is and he should accept it.  Hell I know he supports me, I know he would want me to explore all opportunities I can perceive to the fullest degree and I still choked up in telling him.  It doesn't matter now, I mean I did end up explaining what I meant along with my freeze.  I'm really exicted about the whole chance.  I'm pretty sure I won't get too far, but at least I'll have tried it and seen if it was for me now. I'm going to be posting more about this job and other work related thoughts though, so I'll leave this for now. 
  • I need to throw up a pagan post at some point in time so know that's reserved too. 
  • MUST CLEAN.  Though I'm beginning to see an end, so that's always happy.  I'm thinking about doing the same thing my sister did in regard to packing my clothes anyhow, which will cut all that down immensely.   Still being finicky with books but Gods know I can get through it. 
  • I am THRILLED to give my two weeks on Fri WORK SUCKS.  
  • Saw Barack's speech on Thurs and I soooooo want to be part of his speech team.  Wonderful writing.  Really moving.  
  • Haha McCain you pick poor vp choices

Jul. 19th, 2008

My Week, Let Me Show You

Yeah so Coldplay isn't exactly giving me a glowing example of my taste.  You know though, I really am a bit addicted to "Violet Hill", I'm thinking it's going to be the bf's and my song....not the most hearting true, but not the least either.  I mean the whole snow theme really goes with North Adams and what place is ours more than that?  Alright the rest of it is a bit....

Well there is always trouble for me isn't there.  No point in holding it back.  He called me and the whole graphics art thing fell through.  Everything over there is falling apart for him.  No surprise.  And I'll admit when he called me on Tuesday to explain this to me I was pissed.  Beyond pissed, beside myself might be a better choice, because I want the get the fuck out of here and because if he can't pull his finances together, I can't continue to date him because I can't marry him and we're at a point where if I'm not ready to move towards that, then I'm to connected to stick.  He owes too much money not to have a plan and I'm far too nervous a person to fly blind.  

I guess it pissed me off because there have been so many ways he could have avoided this.  At every chance he got to make a choice he made the absolute worst one there was to make, and I know a thing or two about bad choices.  Man this kid kicks my ass at fucking up. 

But it isn't my life, and he's pulled himself out of things tight spots before.  Not all is lost.  I'm just letting it go however until September and then if he hasn't pulled it together than it's over.  I'll be telling him just that tonight.  I don't want him to talk to me about his jobs or his plans at all until then because it just upsets me.  If he actually wants my advice, we could talk about it, but if he just is going to tell me x, y, and z then no, he can just save it.   I'll hear it all in September.  

It's all good though.  Tuesday I watched a ton of Daira to calm down.  You know I could find it on youtube then and on Friday when I went to show Kyle, it was all gone.   Interesting that. 

Not to mention, I'm not an eggs in one basket kind of lady.  I've got many baskets and many many eggs.  So the boyfriend thing is no good, whatever, when has that last worked out?  

I'm thinking about going for my divinity license.  My mom wants to quit her job at the church and she thinks I'd be a good replacement.  I know, I know, a pagan running CCD is odd, but I think it might be a good idea.  I don't have problem with teaching any religious doctrine as long as I can specify that this is what group X believes.  I like the age group (bratty pre-teens and young teens are actually right up my ally cause they are just beginning to become aware of themselves and I have a lot of respect for what it does or doesn't take people to become self aware) and really it's more about giving the kids all the info they need to make an informed decision about commiting to the church.  Teaching them the doctrine, is a way to do that.  Also the church needs a youth minister and if I take those kind of jobs, I'll get to help create programs I think the young folk might actually like to do and what not, but I'll get to go to BC for a divinity degree at a 75% discount.  Plus I can keep my other job. 

Anyhow, at the least I'm going to start teaching and understudying, if it works out, then yay.  If I hate it, it won't be a huge surprise either. 

My yoga is really improving.  I'm noticably stronger and more fexible and I haven't even beeing that faithful in my practice, but well, you know how life goes.  You do the best you can.  Since I'm going to be around here for a bit (probably, never can be 100%), I might consider taking a week or two off in Jan if all goes well to get a yoga teacher certification.  Too early to tell, but if progress is steady, I might be very sucessful at that. 

I didn't like college.  I think getting that degree was a waste of time and money, but the degree is providing a base job to help fund some of my little excesses.  Maybe the point of college for me was getting a degree that will earn me seed money for the real career.  I still feel like I'd be farther along if had made other choices, but no one is  happy right after college anyway.  At least I didn't jump right into grad school to buy me time from the real world (not that everyone who goes to grad school is doing than and not that I could get into grad school with my gpa if I had wanted to, but still). 

I did do some writing on Sunday and that was good.  My little detective story is beginning to pick up.  I sort of know where I want to go with that, so that's exicting.  It's odd for me because I'm working with mostly male characters and that's newish for me.  It's not like I shy away from male characters, but the last time I made a man the lead of a story was in 9th grade, and that novel was beyond convoluted.  It isn't even worth salvaging..though goodness knows I tried often because there are aspects.  If the thing was cliche, over done and rehashed to hell, there are a few scenes that are really worthwhile.  Of course I was going through my whole soul mates, one true love, black and white, fate, lord of the rings-you get the idea- phase. 

Wow, I've spent a lot of time this week rehashing older projects.  

Anyhow, the detective thing is cute.  Funny and light, which is exactly what I feel up to writing right now.  I'm in a rambly random mood, you know?  No need to try to write the great American novel, especially if I don't think it's ever going to be publishable.  Publishing isn't something I'm so much pursuing anymore.  I like writing and I'd like it if someone read some of the stuff, but I'm not even really sure books and magazines are the way to go with that anymore, you know?  I've started reading books and magazines again, and most everything I read is still from online.  I read tons of fanfiction and from authors who show something that really was amazing, I read their original work, when they have it.  That's really my big fiction reading push and that's all I feel moved to read. 

This whole Twilight series has me a little bummed though too.  I mean those books sound like utter tripe.  Don't get me wrong, I ate up that tripe when I was of a certain age  ::cough 14-18 cough:: and those books have a place.  It doesn't mean I can't think the books are a little gross.  I mean a girl who's got a vampire admirer who thinks they are soul mates and it too afraid he'll hurt her if he has sex with her?  What the hell?  All my soul mate series books involved sex, that was kind of half the fucking (pun, hehe) idea.

An the whole, "I'm a dude so when I'm in the zone I have no control" so not cute.  Also the whole "must protect womenz from everyone, including my own ill intentions....even if she wants such intentions"  not exactly a picture I want to color in for young teens. 

Might I add that a vampire who has lived thousands of years and never had any kind of love affair sexual or not until he meets this girl is either a liar or the most boring vampire on the face of the earth.  What kind of Johny no imagination thought this up?

Why am I ranting about a book series I haven't read that I'm not going to read that is very similar to most teen books of suck, well cause my sister actually asked me if I wanted to read them!  I didn't say any of this to her because you know it was sort of sweet that she tried to think of me at all, but does she have no taste, does she really think what I read and am into is comprable to this bullshit.  What am I saying, of course she does.  It's alright though, I've got to remember these suggestions come from a girl who read Prep and felt uncomfortable because there were too many similarities between herself and the bad characters in the book.

What bitter, maybe a little, yeah.  But I love writing and I love reading and it's ok if that's all that ever is.  

Speaking of bitter, can I just say that my love for Barak isn't absolute or even close.  I've lost a lot of respect for him since he became the Democratic canidate.  He's no where near the asshat McCain is, but he still sucks a little.  I don't like him moving towards the center at all.  I don't care if its some shitty political tactic (one that alienates his stronghold and I have a lot of doubts that it woos any fence sitters), I don't like it and it either makes him a liar or someone with quite a few views I don't agree with. 

I'm still voting for him.  He's still got good policy on a lot of topics.  Even if he didn't my options are limited, though I already have my second pick all lined up if he fucks up to much.  What, I'm in Mass, not like McCain has a snowball's chance in hell here, I could vote of a car and it wouldn't effect the election and I won't vote for Barak just because he's a democrat.  His speaking skills have left a lot to be desired and his abortion stance ignores Doe (not to be confused with Roe).  

I guess I thought if I read more news and politics, I'd really like him is all.  I thought a lot of abstract things from what I  knew of his campaign that aren't true.  And no I'm not an expert or even well enough versed that I'd be comfortable debating much.  I'm just well enough versed to know there are a lot of inconsistences and a lot of things I don't like in the gaps with him.  I'm very uneasy I guess. 

It's just beginning to occur to me there are things worse than Bush and I think it's possible that McCain is in that catagory--I obviously don't feel that way about Barak, but I don't feel good about him either is all.

Visisted my friend this past week.  He's had an ugly break up and as sad as it is to say, this was probably really stabalizing for me in a lot of ways.  I mean I do feel terrible for him and I'll do whatever it takes to help him back on his feet,  but it doesn't change how this can be reassuring for me.  First off, I like being the spiritual and mental counselor and he always puts me in that position.  A lot of my exes do that for me.  I like to think it's because I'm good at it and this aspect of my personality was something that was highly important for them when we were together and still is valued while we're friends.  But it just could be that I'm quite good a throwing out the right words for the right people

It also helped me come to some conclusions about my relationship as I think best about my relationships when I make them secondary to something else.    And it reminds me why I'm interested in holistic healing and why I would find getting deeper into that so rewarding.  

Today I went to the flower show with my mom.  That was good.  I finally just up and told her everything about my career plans and my intentions with my boyfriend.  It might have gone well, I'll see in a few weeks. 
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Jul. 6th, 2008

Long rambly entry that pretty much covers internet and real life in odd patches

Dec. 31st, 2007

Tell You What

Poem No need for warnings here unless you don't do things a little sweet, cause this has a slightly sugary taste

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Dec. 30th, 2007

Happy Post Christmas "Bliss"

Let's do this Cliff Notes Style because goodness knows I have a lot to write and not as much time as I'd like. Turns out I'm ten time busier at home than at school...who'd have thought. (I know I wouldn't)

Couple of notes before I got on. 1. I'm about to intertwine my Internet life and my real life. If the notes don't apply, are boring or are super geeky please feel free to skip them. 2. These thoughts and notes are in no particular order they are all things I just want to either throw out to the community at large or that I just want to jot down. 3. There will probably be a lot of back tracking and the time line is going to be fuzzy. Sorry.

Alright here we go.

  • Since I've been poking around at the ij I now own a ton of awesome icons. I want to take a moment to thank all the talented icon creators here. I think I've got like 136 icons and I love them. Thanks to anyone who helped make this possible I love a ton of the work I've seen and hope to see more of it.

  • Noticed that the [info]asylum_promo became a modded group and I'm stoked. I know or at least recognize all the mods and from their posts I know that they will be fair and come up with some rules that will hope regulate the community. For the record, things I'd like to see change over at the promo include: not pimping something more than once a week, putting any pictures behind a cut, not repeating the same asylum name over and over again in a post cause it's incredibly annoying, and possibly a separate asylum for advertising rps. I like rps and I like hearing about them, but I just think it could do with a separate space.

  • Sorry [info]pagan_times has been so dead recently. Its on my list of things to hit but I've got a large list so excuse me if I don't get it till Tues or Wed.

  • I saw the Golden Compass and LOVED it. Loved it so much I went out and got the book. The book is better, but I've got to say the movie is a really good take and while a lot of the religion aspect is gone, the anti-establishment vibe definitely still exists. But I am So PROMISING a post about the book and the movie with spoiler warnings and ij cuts and what not.

  • I kind of want to do a write up on Beowulf even though the movie was terrible. I'm not sure about that yet. I know it's been like a month and all, but we'll see.

  • My bf did make it out home eventually. There was a huge storm going on and for a while we weren't sure what would happen. I was really really worried for him. But you know a side from a lot of delays and staying overnight in an odd hotel, he didn't get stranded or miss his plane or get hurt, so I guess it all worked out.

    I had the worst nightmares about it though. One of them where a series or worse weather kept coming and then I "woke up" and ran out of my room to answer the door to who I thought was the bf only to realize it wasn't and I should have known better because he was at the airport, but then that person told me the bf had died and I woke up for real with the worst feeling. Of course he was fine and it worked out but that dream was really scary. Then there was the one I had about half a week later where I was the one trying to get a flight and I couldn't seem to catch it and I was so lost and running from a murderer while trying to please my family. Guess I let my anxiety get the better of me on this one. The really funny part of this is that I'm not at all afraid of flying. I like it even cause the flight gives me time to think and prepare myself for where ever I'm going and what I'm doing. I mean I've been on a plane where the turbulence was so bad that the air bags were deployed and over half the plane (including me) got sick, and I never worry twice about flying. I sometimes worry about catching connecting flights, but even then the fear is minimal, so its an odd topic for my subconsious to pick for nightmares.

  • I got home fine too. I was worried that there would be some anger cause of my lack of calling. Family was just happy to see me and I felt a little sheepish avoiding them like that. Sometimes I really wish that this power play my parents and I are locked in wasn't so damned brutal. I mean I don't want to be in a power play with them at all. I'm thinking it's going to have to come to a head soon, and I don't know what I'm going to do if it gets ugly, but one hurdle at a time right?

  • Bf was terribly sick on Christmas and he missed his family ski trip which is really sad cause he loves skiing, especially in Colorado and he doesn't get a lot of chances to do it.

  • My mom was sick for Christmas too and I felt a little bad for her. She's stressed and since she hasn't thrown a fit yet this year I can't help but hope that she's really mellowing. Who knows maybe it really is all my fault she gets all wound up. Go figure

  • Before I left I wrote a third part to Surprise Surprise. I haven't looked too closely at it since I've been home so I don't know if I'm going to keep it. I think it might be better if I cut bits but I'm not sure yet. The meat of the section is a conversation between the hunter (where we still don't learn his real name but do get one of his aliases) and a werewolf pack leader. I currently have some set up with the hunter on the subway getting to his meeting with the pack leader. In it we talk a little history of the pack and how it is different than other packs. We also talk a little about Kiyoshi. I don't know if it's needed. I mean it might come across as boring and also it might just be too jumbled but at the same time I'm really not interested in giving the whole set up in one chapter. I just want to throw out what the audience needs to know.

    Also it isn't funny an in this bit our hunter is finally doing some research. Of course it's possible by now that the audience is ready for a lite something because you know, until now it's been action and some people might want more on what's going on. Besides, couldn't have him hunting down werewolves the whole time without a little research and without showing that he has informants and connections. I don't know though if what I've written creates more questions than it gives answers, which if you're going to throw in section that finally begins to help illuminate the reader on what the hell is going on, then it's really important that it actually does that.

    Another problem I'm having right now is that the pack leader is black and I don't know how to drop that in the story well. Part of it is that I haven't actually had any really detailed character descriptions in the story up till now. Sometimes we'd discuss clothing or facial expressions, but never the whole hair color, eye color, height, skin color deal. Even if I'd been doing that I don't know how to throw in the skin color factor. I guess I could just come out with it...actually I think I'm coming up with a thought on it as we speak. This is really important to me because the story does take place in a New Yorkish city where diversity is a huge thing and since white is the default skin color I want to make sure that I have POC's properly represented and mentioned.

  • I'm going to be posting my poems up soon. Some will be friended and others won't. I would love feed back on them and I'll be sure to put up some warnings with them as several of them are what I consider to be explicit or potentially upsetting.

  • Was given a nativity ornament as a gift and the person was very sheepish about it after learning that I'm not Christian. I wasn't sure how to respond to their awkwardness at the time. I'm not used to family and family friends acknowledging that I'm not Christian. My friends, peers, and the Internet at large knows I'm pagan. I've told my immediate family, who pretend it's a phase, though they have told the extended family on several occasions in an attempt to shame me, but it's never been brought up or acknowledged beyond those awkward instances of attempted shaming. Often I forget that they have any idea and as a result I was unprepared for this kind of reaction that acknowledges that perhaps we don't share a faith and the nativity might not be appropriate. Part of me was pleased that this person had thought of it at all and part of me felt something I can't even pinpoint in my own mind. I don't know, it's just that this ornament was something the person got in Peru for me. The craftsmanship on it is amazing and I have to say whether or not I'm religiously moved, the piece is beautiful. I like it and appreciate it the same way I like and appreciate any other cultural or religious work that is different than my own. I guess the point was that the gift is entirely appropriate even if it isn't appropriate for the reasons that the giver thought they would be. I do like the gift and even if I didn't, that she thought to get me something was nice. I don't know, I guess it doesn't have the effect she hoped and that's why she's sorry, but I think it's kind of silly for people to expect anything religious to hit other people even of the same religion the same way it hits them.

  • On that line, my day made a quiet comment about me going to hell that I didn't pick up until it was too late. I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised by it or even taken aback, but I was a little. I guess I had it coming since I've refused to go to church (though I did go for Christmas mass to humor everyone) and told him that I'm not afraid of evil or the devil. Meh, whatever. I just wish that when he'd muttered "it's a dry heat" I'd picked it up fast enough to say, "I don't worry too much about the temperatures of imaginary places, but thanks for the forecast". It probably would have been in bad taste for Christmas Eve anyhow...though I guess talking about how your child is damned on Christmas Eve is probably in equally bad taste.

  • Christmas sermon was about hope and how hope of the physical was a weak poor man's substitute for hope of the spiritual nature. This got me thinking why is the physical so much less than this nebulous spiritual to so many people of so many differing faiths? Don't get me wrong, I'll prattle on about energy, the astral plane, souls, and purpose as much as the next person. But I've got to say that my primary focus is in the here and now, which very much includes the physical. I'd think that since what is right in front of our faces is sometimes what's hardest to see that we would want to focus on that at least as much as the spiritual. I mean if God wanted his followers to be all about the afterlife and glory eternal, then why create a physical world at all? If we weren't supposed to pay some kind of attention here and for attachments and hopes and dreams and get caught up in the fleeting then why have it at all. I mean if one thing is fleeting while the other is eternal, shouldn't we go after the fleeting thing first, the other stuff will still be there. I don't know though, maybe I'm taking him too literally.

  • While at work I had a thought about mandalas. I was thinking about how traditionally Buddist monks painstakingly make them and then destroy them and how in a lot of ways that 's a lot like doodling. I mean people discard doodles when they're done and what people doodle and how they doodle does say a lot about the kind of person they are and the mood they are in. I mean it isn't as focused as making a mandala is and the level of craft isn't there, but some aspects still remain. Just a thought, silly and fleeting, I figured I would throw it out there. Who knows maybe classes, boring office jobs, and other things that draw people to doodle actually help hone another part of us. Like blocking whatever the thing is that will kill us with boredom actually brings our mind to another frame of consciousness that helps us just show some small piece of the subconscious I do wonder if this could be focused into something more and I do wonder if those doodle trances a lot of people get into where it takes them a moment to respond when someone talks to them is sort of like a pre-meditative state. I know for me there are some similarities, but I don't know about others.

  • Mom and Dad say my work cloths suck and I need new ones. The ones I have are perfectly serviceable They told me everyday this week that I looked nice and then told me on Saturday that I looked old and frumpy and they were going to pay to update my work look. They made a big deal about it being something that "shows who I am" and that it was something "I liked". They haven't entirely grasped that who I am is not an office person and that the clothes I enjoy wearing are not appropriate office wear. Some of the problem I have with picking out office wear is that it's hard for me to get nice office clothes because I think all of it looks ugly (no offense to people who like that look I can see why it would be appealing for the right personality and I am aware that there are many people who wear those kind of outfits very well). I think my dad might have put it best when he said "Office wear doesn't have to be as boring as you think it does, plenty of people wear eclectic fun things to work now a days and you can too. Just that to you that eclectic stuff probably registers as normal." So I know that I don't have the foggiest of what to get for that kind of clothing. It's why my mother or my aunt come with me. They pick out clothes, I try them on, and we get what fits and whatever they think looks best.

    This has been the drill for three years now and suddenly my mom wants to mix it up. She comes with me but she wants me to pick out the clothes. Ok, I work in an office where the youngest person next to me is in their late thirties so I have not office wear role models here to base my picks off of. I know what I'm wearing is apparently too old.....so how the heck am I supposed to go about picking stuff. And then when she gets aggravated she starts picking things and every time I go to take it from her she says "do you like it?" and I look at her in confusion. Then she puts it down and says "if you don't like it we won't get it"--when has that mattered and more importantly why should it matter. "Your office cloths need to reflect you". We spent hours like this with me trying to lie about whether or not I liked the ugly clothes and her repeating mantras of "it would be easier if you looked for yourself and picked something out" "your clothes are a reflection of how far you can go in a job" and "you need this to make a personal statement about you".

    I don't ever want to make a fucking personal statement about me at work. I don't think a lot of my personal information is office appropriate and since a lot of my look outside work is centered around that, I don't see how I should be bringing that into the office. I know what she wants is to show them that I can be put together and that I'm up beat and going places. I think my smile and quick processing ability should do that for me.

    I understand not looking sloppy. I understand accessorizing. I'd understand if she wanted me to wear certain colors or styles, but this fucking bull shit about the office being me is driving me batty. My office me is a persona and one that has very little to do with who I am. Just as my dutiful daughter routine is a persona, though admittedly that one is much closer to the real me that the office one.

    Another thing I resent is feeling like buying me this wardrobe is a power play. I know I should be thankful. Office clothes are expensive and even if I just got some new ones this summer, more new clothes doesn't hurt. But some of it is just the way it's handled. The whole "we will do it now", "we have decided that what you wear is inappropriate so you will change it", "you will go with your mother, you will smile, you will agree, you will think she's brilliant, you won't frustrate her or be pouty or disagree, you are lucky and you will act that way". I mean I don't think I need it and I just don't want any of the stuff that bad. I know I'm being ungrateful and I know that some of it has to be in my head but I feel constantly like I'm in a power struggle with my parents for control of my own life. I feel manipulated and cheated. Part of this is a problem because I am really interested in pursuing a career in reiki and alternative healing and I've been doing a lot to work on that. Some of this including scheduling interviews, email people who have made this work, and networking with other people in this field. I've really just gotten started with all this in the past few days, but it's going well and will be going better when my parents stop trying to distract me with things that I don't need to do like go clothes shopping for outfits that I hopefully won't need in a year or two.

  • Speaking of power play chronicles, my mother offered to pay to get my hair cut, very generous, but now she won't let me get it cut where I want. She said "when are you going to get it done" and I said "Monday or Tuesday" and she said "Since you haven't made an appointment you won't be able to do it then, it's New Years" and I said "I was going to go to Cost Cutters, they'll have time" and she replied "I said I would pay for the hair cut and when I said that I meant a real one. Cost Cutters isn't an appropriate place to go" where I said "Cost Cutters does cut hair and it's where I got my last hair cut. You liked that one or were you lying when you said that?" and she said "No I liked it, but you just must have been lucky". We didn't talk after that about it. I know she thinks she's won, but I figure I'll just go and pay for it myself like I planned to originally. I appreciate her offer but I don't appreciate the second guessing, the judging, and posturing that go with it.

  • And it goes on and on with my fucking hair. When I came home she offered me these sample shampoos and conditioners. I accepted them and thanked her. I've used them and they are nice, but I really like the shampoo and conditioner I'm using already. The original reason I got the product 'm using now is that they were made naturally and I was trying to get rid of a couple specific chemicals used in most shampoos. For a while I was using baking soda and water, then I swapped to natural shampoo and condition at my mother's insistence that my hair smelled (the project started in the winter and when the summer hit there is a legit possibility I needed something more which is why I did go get some product). I love the products I got. My hair has never looked nicer. My curls are nice, the frizz is the lowest it's ever been, my hair is incredibility soft feeling, and I have a really nice shine going on (not overly shiny, just healthy shine).

    There is one problem with the products I'm using and that's the fact that the hemp in the product has made my hair a lot darker. I went from a dirty blond to dark brown. This does make me look a bit paler, but I've always been pale. It also obscures a lot of my natural highlights, but you know what, I'm so happy with everything else about this product that I don't mind the darker hair. To be honest, in some lights the darker hair looks even nicer that the dirty blond did. It's mostly bright light that does that, but hey I love direct sunlight so it's really not a problem.

    This dark hair color for whatever reasons is a huge problem to my mother. She started harping on it over the summer and eventually relented that since the product was so nice for everything else and the dark brown really was pretty in some lights, it wasn't too big a deal. Apparently this was a lie since we had a long conversation about it on Thanksgiving and when I came home she had new expensive product samples for me to try. The products aren't as nice as the ones I've been using and they have the chemicals in them (you know the ones that I was trying to get rid of in the first place)...though my hair has been slowly getting lighter while I've used these products.

    My mother wants to get me these product to replace what I have and I told her no. There's a couple reasons first is the chemical problem, the second is that my other products work better, but the last is that when I was using mainstream brand shampoos and conditioners I had to change what I was using every two or three months because it stopped working and after eight months of use my natural products still work very well. Why would I go to something more expensive, chemically harmful, that would stop working in a few months when I have something that works?

    None of this is her business and here she is trying to throw money at me to control me with so she can have whatever way she wants. I couldn't' believe how rude she and my father were about it either. I get that you think my chemical concerns are stupid, I think your concern over splenda is stupid, but I know it isn't my business and I'm far too polite to go around insulting you for it. Tonight they ganged up on me over the product. My father told me that discounting the color changing properties of my hair products would be like discounting a soap that changed my skin tone. First of all, people change hair color all the time, second of all people do change their skin color with self tanning solution all the time and people do go out of their way to find it in lotion and foundation. In fact I have a foundation that works well and also happens to darken my skin slightly. I got it because it worked well not because it gave my skin a slightly more tanned look (in fact I think I would like it better without the slight tan cause now I have to worry about my neckline and what not), so it looks like I do buy other products that alter my coloration for reasons other than the color changing property and still use them so long as they are flattering. And since both of them said it was flattering over the summer I don't see why it's ugly now.

    A lot of times they let things go when they think it will be a phase though so it's possible and apparent at this point that this was another of the many lies they tell me hoping I'll grow out of something. It would be easier to get me to stop it early on with honest and frank commentary. Now that I've been lied to about it why would I trust your opinion or advice? And now that I'm used to the color and everyone who sees me often is used to it, I don't see how it could or should be effecting me negatively. It looks natural on me and all that jazz. Whatever though, some of this is my fault for not just being blunt and telling them to shut up. Most of the time I just say nothing and continue as I have been. This makes them angry since a lack of reaction makes them believe they've won. All it means is that I want them to shut up and I know my silence does this faster than an argument could. They call this passive aggressive. I call what they do to me manipulate and passive aggressive. I guess my friend is right, I"m not going to be able to live here long after college, it at all. I'm thinking I should add looking for a place to live on the list of things to do, because I'm not going to make it even six months here.

  • Flip side, I've loved spending time with my brother. He's a really good kid and I missed him. I'm glad he's gotten more talkative and his attempts at humor, even when they miss are cute and I'm glad to see him making the attempt. And he's already better at making jokes than Ian is so all is well.

  • Haven't spent a lot of time with my sis. Probably won't

  • Miss my bf, but not as much as I thought I would. I was really lonely for him when I was at college and he wasn't, but being home is enough separation I guess to keep it from being as hard.

  • Am in the process of some reiki contacts and plans will give more details when I have them.

That should cover it. Until my next post. Love you all and hope to be updating more frequently.

Oct. 10th, 2007

Feeling a Little Nostalgic

It's been raining since Monday. In spurts of course. Sometimes it's drizzles and sometimes it's like walking through Niagara Usually I hate the rain. The dark overcast makes me sad and it makes me want to curl up in bed with my comforter cocooning me while I snuggle my ginger heating pad. What can I say though, I'm easily depressed.

Zac loves this kind of weather. He likes the wet just rained air. Says it's the cleanest air after the hardest rain. He likes that the sun won't hurt his pale skin and apparently light sensitive eyes. We go out together and I sit on the cement steps watching the rain while he just stands in it and laughs. And I'll admit, there is something comforting with the pattering of it on the ground. It makes me think of ocean waves and drifting to sleep in the rocking. And I would love a cup of warm tea and not the nice stiff unsweetened kind I've been taking I want a rich chaitea velvet smooth feeling from the cream, smelling of far away places, and tasting of sweet sugar.

There is something calming and steadying about it. The rain itself can be mesmerizing. Just watching drop after drop, but that's not what I felt like last night. Had all this energy. It was like being a kid and I just wanted to splash around and make the biggest mess possible. Not that water and mud cause that much of a mess and not that as a lazy college student I'd put myself through washing a set of mud ridden water logged clothes, but still I just had the urge.

And instead of taking me back to my kid days with sticky sap hands and unruly long hair, I thought about my first real relationship and one of our first real dates. It was spring and it had been raining for weeks. For some reason we decided to go for a walk, even though there were sheets of water and even though neither of us had any rain gear. So there we are me in a jean jacket (one that I'll never wear after that day) and him in just his t-shirt....trying not to get wet in the middle of a downpour. We walked a healthy distance away from each other, unsure of what to do or how to act, even though we'd kissed already and even though it was obvious that we liked each other and probably should have been holding hands.

Awkward silences were always filled up with conversations. That's one thing, with him there were always the most fascinating conversations. He challenged me so much in so many stupid little ways intellectually. Yeah it was all talk and there was nothing to act on, but you know it was the kind of stuff that you had to work for, the kind of thing that just felt good. I think that's probably the thing I miss.

Anyhow, going through a wood path more puddles than anything else and walking over slippery tree roots makes it impossible to not fall into a puddle eventually. I, being clumsy, was of course the first to slip right into a knee deep puddle. And at first there was silence. For a moment he gave me this "What will she do" look, where the man (or boy at this time) is wary. He isn't sure which way his girl will go.

I laughed and then started to run. Loved the huge waves coming up behind me. Probably changed him from just soaked to coated in sticky pine needles and soaked with the first running jump. He stared dumbfounded for a moment before laughing and following me. We raced for a while, who could get to the deepest part of the puddles first. Who could stay ahead of the other, who got the other most wet (though we were beyond maximum density then). And before I knew it we were tumbling and rolling through the puddles kissing and laughing and generally breathless.

It was a good.

And it was such a classic little movie romance scene I can't even believe it. But that whole relationship was like the best scenes and the worst from cliche romance movies. Sometimes I think its ironic because he used to insist on being unique and doing the odd thing sometimes just to do the odd thing. Sometimes I think its fitting because it was during my "I want to be a famous movie star" phase and there I was, living out a made up high school Hollywood romance.

Of course in the movies they don't show you the aftermath. It was freezing when we got inside. Both of us were shaking from head to toe, and I was late for when I told my parents I'd be home. Jumped in the car more nerves now that anything else, shaking to much to get the key in the ignition. Shaking to much to see much of anything. Had my first real car crash that night. Too rushed to get home and too wet to pay attention. I side swiped someone while making a left. Thankfully there was no damage either car. The guy I hit felt bad for me. I was soaked and shivering and upset and young. We left without exchanging info. Took me a minute to pull back onto the road with all the adrenaline and now with the whole thing over I was tearing up. Too much to deal with I guess. Young love angry parents and a brush with death (in my head anyhow).

I never told anyone that half of the story. The part where with my license for less than a week I almost have a nasty spill. My parents still don't know. They yelled at me for being wet and late and all the time in my head all I could think about is a car crash I can't tell them about. I could only nod, because the accident the almost catastrophe is right on the tip of my lips.

And you know, its funny because these two events happened to me on the same day and I think about both of them from time to time. When I was younger I thought of them both a lot, and I never really connected the two. I mean yes same day same afternoon one directly after the other, but somehow its like two completely different years. There was the time I was out with a boy in the rain and the time it was raining so hard and I was shaking so much and so worried that I went out into traffic without looking.

I told the story how it happened one after the other, but when I was thinking about it yesterday, the car accident didn't pop into my head at all. Its like a little shadow at the end that never comes clear in the same moment as the other memory. Funny how different the story is how it happened and then how I think of it now is all.

Jul. 30th, 2007

Real world News and Notes...maybe even some Reflections

Hello IJ, I've returned from my weekend away.  I had a blast seeing all my friends and hanging out.  AJ wasn't too annoying, I managed to anger Kathleen a bit through the AJ and Zac was chill as always.   

I want to take a few seconds to pay homage to the the awesomeness that is Zac.  I mean he really is amazing.  He likes "dorky" things like playing online Myst games, reading online comics, and in general being a gaming on line loser.  And he seems to be self consious and a little embarassed about it.  I love hearing all about every dorky forum detail.  I love that he wants to tell me how much fun this or that or the other thing was.  I like that he tries to work out Myst puzzles with me on the phone.  And what I like best of all is that Zac's predisposition to forum geekiness means that I can talk about my own forum interests, escipades, and general high jinks.  Certainly people know I like talking about them, and I also know that most people find the whole thing weird and dorky, but not Zac.  He has follow up questions and all that goodness. 

I also love that Zac is really into cartoons and cartooning.  I don't have to try and explain my interests in manga or comic books to him.  I can talk about various styles and all sorts of things and not only does he listen but he's actually interested in what I'm saying.   

I love playing around with Zac's different interests in creating an online cartoon.  Even if he never does it I love playing around with different ideas and characters and looking at his different sketches.  He doesn't think he has the creativity, I just don't think he's got the confidence or the little extra push. 

I love talking about my story ideas and swapping with Zac's cartoon one.  I love hearing about the weather in Colorado or the look of the place or the feel of it.  

I love learning more about Zac's family and more about how his parents managed to always move so often.  I'd really like to live like that for a little while anyway.  I love hearing about the different places Zac's family live.  I love hearing about Zac's Grandma who won't leave the house and who's 4'9" and needs to get a stool to slap people.

I'm really lucky all around and the more I talk to Zac and hang out with him the luckier I feel.  Is it sad that I just saw him yesterday and I miss him a little? 

And now a note on AJ.  He didn't piss me off too much.  I mean 6 hours in a car was destined to affect me in someways.  Though one of which is that I pity the kid.  He really is mentally unhealthy and and unstable.  He really has some fucked up thoughts and feelings about body image and relationships in general.  He really really really really was saddened when Kathleen and I had our bfs and he had no one.  That's happening to him with all his friend (Fred doesn't count) and in someways I feel bad.  Bad that he wants someone sooooo badly and that's what he needs  least.  Bad that he manages to get someone and they are always exactly the wrong thing.  But mostly I just feel bad because he is so uncomfortable with himself and being by himself.  I can remember times where I've been the single one surrounded by dating couples and I didn't feel left out or like an extra wheel.  But I don't get the third wheel thing much anyway.  If you don't want me there then don't invite me and if you do want me there then why should I feel akward (Assuming you aren't sucking face or something)?

It always really gets me how AJ has never been even mildly happy to be single.  Part of the reason I knew I was ready to date again was because for a few months I didn't want to date anyone at all. I was really just rocking out the single card and all the freedome and options it gave me.  In fact, I had a week of hyperventilating after I started dating Zac because I was all like "what have I done" "oh noes there goes all my beautiful freedom"  "I don't want to tell people I'm dating someone, I want to be single still".  Of course this passed and so far its been proven worth sticking out those concerns, however there was a time when it was touch and go.  AJ never has that time. 

Another thing that pisses me off is when AJ is all like "your religious beliefs are wrong".  It always starts out with questions.  I don't mind the questions.  I like talking about my religious experiences and feelings and beliefs.  I don't even mind trying to flesh them out for people who find my thoughts and experiences foriegn to what they know, such as AJ does.  I do have a problem when they aren't trying to understand or see what I'm saying.  They just want to try and force what I think into Christianity.  The more it becomes apparent that the two don't jive (Though I think both outlooks are nice ones) the more hostile AJ gets.  Suddenly its all "well I don't care that this is your experience or whatever because its the devil who gave that to you to turn you away from Jesus" and all "Well you're wrong and going to hell for following that".   .....Yeah, cause I need that lecture.  And because you are the one to give it too me and of course because you know as a Christian you are so suposed to judge others.  That whole "let the one without sin cast the first stone" and the law of agape are all just little easily over looked scraps of paper. 

Never mind explaining something to AJ is like talking to a bag of rocks.  I mean, at least the rocks are quiet and let you finish your thoughts.  They don't try to inerupt you to make you look stupid when all they are really doing is showing their own intolerance and ignorance. 

Plus rocks don't try to tell you that all the near death experiences is  what makes you wrong.  Apparently everyone who has on has one that is exactly the same and clearly Christian.  No one bothers to mention that most of those studies are done in Christian countries or in areas with Christianity is so ingrained into the social structure that it probably has a large control on the subconsious.  Never mind that most novel, movie, and media potrayals of near death experiences have ingrained a certain idea into our heads.  Never mind that just like the heart and lungs of the majority of people work the same way and so therefor shut down in similar manners the brain could be the same way causing the same set of random imagery. 

Rocks won't tell you that the world has to be finate because an infinate one doesn't make any sense.  Yeah, finate makes more sense.....I mean there being a random wall you crash into at the end or reality is totally logical to me -_-

Also rocks won't tell you that creation makes more scientific sense than everything always existing because of the big bang....talk about misunderstanding the big bang theory and science.  Matter can never be created or destroyed, duh.  You can not make something from nothing or turn something into nothing.  

The big bang is all about stuff being condensed and then exploding out.  That says nothing about the amount of stuff or the creation/ destruction of said stuff, it just talks about the relative prox, of stuff in realtion to other stuff.

Ok done on the AJ rant. 

One snipe at Kathleen in regards to driving and not about the Six Flags because at Six Flags 1.) I understand no one knew where they were going. 2.) I understand you can't turn around on the highway.  3.) I understand you aren't good with directions and Grahm is easily flustered and 4.) AJ and I really pretty much knew how to get where we needed to go.  

Nah, I want to snipe at how you judge what is or isn't half way to MCLA.  I mean I get that those sort of things are your forte and its cool, I mean I pick up political debates where I obviously have no idea what I'm talking about.  I just find it amusing that you would argue with me about how far along I am on the trip when you can't even tell me how to get to Grahm's house.  

Other than that I"m sorry if I took away from your six flags experience.  I know the lj post seemed to state otherwise, but I do feel bad that I may have cut that short.  I really really really really really don't care when you guys go on upside down rides.  1. I expect it.  2. I like the time to sit think and calm down from all the aldreniline 3. I like hearing about the ride afterwards 4. I no where near so immature that I would pout about you guys wanting to go on rides I didn't want to. 

It is a shame that Zac has a misplaced sense of loyalty and feels the need to sit out with me.  I mean I really want him to go on those rides and experience them and have a good time.  Really really really.....though I appreciate the thought and do think he'd be nice to lean on/ nap on while waiting I would really prefer he had the experience.  If he sits out everytime I do he's going to find that I'm a serious scaredy cat and that his life is as a result boring. 

I'm also sorry if I made you guys feel like you had to rush to leave the park.  I'm always torn between being the asshole who's got to be there when the park opens to when to park closes to being the person who would rather just take it back and relax.  I'd rather relax, but there is a penny pinching stingy person in me who's screaming that I'm wasting money....and to be honest, I'd gotten what I'd came there for after riding the superman.  Everything else was just a little frosting on the cake for me....though I'm thinking that blizard ride's water is getting grosser and grosser looking each year and maybe we should consider not doing it again, even though it is fun cause Gods I'm not sure that water is safe.  (Grahm should add that in his letter of complaint and he should mention how hard it is to find the water fountains if you don't have a Jess with you who's sort of memorized the park).

As long as we are discussing six flags I want to talk about all the kids there.  I know I know that its a theme park are really little kids are not only welcome but encouraged, however I'm thinking that six flags is a really really expensive trip for little kids who are too young to go on any of the rides it costs mucho denerio to go see.  I mean the bumper cars and stuff is pretty generic and I"m sure you could get it for cheaper.  Certainly if it was the water park you were after I know those tickets are cheaper from water country (more up scale than the six flags water park too) or water wiz.   Plus with kids you're also stuck getting a nine dollar ice cream and at least one four dollar drink.  Plus those kids get cranky out all day in the sun and you probably will have to either go to the park later in the day or leave eariler as a result.  Not to mention as an adult you probably don't fit on/ don't want to go on the rides you're taking the kids too.  So now you're little more than a glorified coat rack that is paying through the nose to be in excruciating heat in less than sanitary conditions (though I am always highly surprised by how clean the park is).   Not to mention that while swearing and wearing bathing suits is prohibited in the park, that does not mean that people don't do it quite frequently so you are still exposing you kids to "unsavory" stuff while the park violates the right to free speech and the right for teens to be sluts.   And on top of all that you've exposed your kids to all kinds of drunks, drug addicts and probably pedophiles who litter the park.  I just don't get why you would take a kid younger than ten to six flags.
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Jul. 25th, 2007

IL Dude switching to ij is hard work.

Man swapping to ij is really really tiresome and long.  I can't wholesale repost my journal and doing it in pieces is taking hours...

Lj wasn't cooporating with my yesterday, so I didn't get anything done.  Now I've just finished all of 2004 and man that was a haul.  52 posts up and only 216 left to go....ick.  

At least Tweak is beginning to grow on me...he's almost cute...almost is the keep word.  But his sayings are cute and sometimes funny.   I have to admit that there are some things I really like about ij better than lj.  I mean the asylums as communities is a cute name touch.   And asylum is particularly appropriate because that's why so many of us are here ^_^  

I'm also looking forward to getting more involved in fandom...I've always kind of been on the fringe of it, but I think I'd like a more active reading, reviewing and maybe even writing role.  I really do like writing and if it helps get people to read my work and give me pointers that why not?

I am having some trouble looking up and finding more religious and politically based aslyums, but it will come in time.  I didn't find it all the first day on lj either. 

I really have to change my smilely faces.  Going between lj and ij helps to illustrate that while these emocons have their charm, there aren't for me.  Le sigh. 

In rl news, I got a cavity filled.  Dr, Berry is so gentle and nice, he almost makes the whole thing not a terrible ordeal.  

My bf is up in North Adams partying with soriety girls -_-  It doesn't really bother me because I trust him, but it definately sounds funny.  It's the day before our drunk three month aniversary and three days before our offical.  Those things aren't big deals until one or more but its nice to keep track of anyway.  I really do like him a lot.  I can't tell if its that honeymoon period in our relationship where we are both crazy about each other and we're annoyingly cutesy and nothing goes wrong or if this is really going to be how our relationship goes.  Fingers are crossed that our relationship really is just this sugar coated cavity causing mess.  Who knows though? 

You know, I'll actually see him on our three month, now that I'm thinking about it.  Here's to hoping sororiety life hasn't corrupted my sweet boy.  

This still isn't an offical ij update, because I'm still working on all this coding bullshit, but don't worry.  I'll get too it in time.  Until then, I think I'll head back to backdating backdating and more backdating.   Looks like Harry is just going to have to wait.   
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Jul. 23rd, 2007

RL What I should have posted the 23rd on lj if I hadn't been caught up with lj_biz

This past weekend in North Adams was great.  I really do like Zac quite a bit.  He is just the sweetest, most attentive, caring person I've known in a while.  And perhaps the most refreshing thing about him isn't that he's easy going or that he lets me have my way all the time (both are also kind of nice) but its that he really listens to me and is sincerely interested in the people around him. 

I went to pick him up from work on my way in Friday and the owners of the pizza shop her worked at gave me a really big and friendly greeting.  They seemed really exicted to see me and get to know me.  Another one of Zac's charms, he seems to make everyone feel really close to him.  

We didn't end up seeing Harry Potter as we got caught up just talking and cuddling, but the weekend was still great.  I ended too soon and I find I really can't wait to go see him again this week.  It's sappy, I know, but its true. 

He's recently joined gaia and I'm wondering how long that's going to last.  Big forums like that aren't exactly the sort of thing I see him into.  But it will give him something to do when he's not playing Myst or doing homework I guess.

I can't wait until I have some more free time so I can get into the last harry potter.  As things stand now, I just don't have the time, but maybe later.....  

Meh, writing what you wanted to write the day before the day after isn't satifying at all.  I can't even bring myself to write down the tatters of the dream I remember left.  Some of it is just frustration because I really want to move my lj and can't right now because lj is down.  Le sigh.  At least I got to start moving other works in today.  And I began reconnecting with some people...so I guess its' all good ^_^ 

Well, this isn't really the official first ij post, because it should have gone on lj, but its still nice to finally have one post that stands solidly in the 2007 window.  Meh, looks like I'll probably spend some more time tooling around still before bed and it is going to take a whole hell of a lot longer to move than I thought...maybe be months.  ::lone tear:: 

It will be worth it though.
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